Fanfiction Four
by Cygna Vamp
Summary: What if Road Worrier ended differently? Daria and Co. become superheros, of course! NEW CHAPTER, FINALLY!
1. How It All Began

Fanfiction Four  
  
By Uatu, the Watcher  
  
As told to cygna vamp  
  
PART I: How It All Began  
  
There are more realities than there are grains of sand in the universe. With each reality,   
  
there are different truths, different falsehoods. These realities are known to writers af the genre   
  
"science fiction" as parallel universes.  
  
As The Watcher I have seen many parallel universes. Quite often, the fate of humanity   
  
rests in the hands of but a few unexpected beings. For example, in your world there is a girl   
  
named Daria Morgendorfer who on a summer's day went to an Alternapalooza concert with her friend;   
  
Jane Lane, Jane's brother: Trent Lane and Trent's friend: Jesse Moreno. Motor problems caused them   
  
to miss the concert. Daria learned that Trent liked her as she was, yet she was still too shy to   
  
reveal her feelings for him. In another universe, all of this was so except for one detail. On the   
  
drive home, Trent took the wrong fork in the road- changing everyone's lives forever.  
  
"Umm, I think we're lost." Daria said, observing the unfamilliar twisting road.  
  
"I must've taken the wrong fork somewhere." said Trent. "I'll just turn around and...no,   
  
scratch that." They passed a One Way sign. "I'll just keep driving untill we find someplace to   
  
ask directions."  
  
Daria looked to the back of the van. Jane was asleep in Jesse's arms. What did she see in   
  
that big dumb lummox? She wondered. She didn't have time to wonder. A colassol semi truck was barreling   
  
towards the van.  
  
Jane woke with a start. Jesse was on top of her and the world seemed to be shaking. "What's   
  
happening?" she yelled. "What are you doing?"  
  
"Hang on." he said as the side of the van caved in, allowing a viscous green goop to enter.  
  
Trent finally relaxed his grip on the wheel. He opened his eyes. The windshield was shattered,   
  
green goop with a faint glow was oozing in. The van was upside down. Trent looked at himself, half   
  
expecting to see a sucking chest wound. To his surprise, he was unharmed, yet spattered by the   
  
green goop. Good thing I wore my seat belt. he thought. He looked to the passenger seat. Daria   
  
was not there.  
  
Trent quickly undid the belt and crawled out a window. He saw the overturned semi and the   
  
metal barrels that had smashed against the van. There was a symbol on one barrel that Trent   
  
recognized as the logo of one of his favorite bands-Radioactive. Of no importantce, he had to   
  
find his friends. He called for them. "Daria!" No answer. "Jesse! Jane!"  
  
"I'm OK." said a goop splattered Jesse, climbing from the wreckage. "Jane's OK too." He   
  
lowered a hand to help her get out. She too was covered with green goop. As soon as her feet touched   
  
the groud she burst into flames.  
  
"Jane! You're on fire!" Trent observed.  
  
"Huh, so I am." Jane said, looking at her body of fire. "Funny, it doesn't hurt at all."  
  
"Stop drop and roll or something!" advised Jesse.  
  
Jane tried it. All she did was scorch the earth beneath her. "Look, other than being on fire   
  
I'm OK." said Jane. "Where's Daria?"  
  
"She wasn't in her seat." said Trent. "She must've been thrown out."  
  
The three seached for her, calling for her. A moan came from the van. "I'm OK" said Daria.  
  
"Daria! Where are you?" Jane called.  
  
"In the Tank." She answered. "I must've blacked out. I'm getting out now."  
  
But no one came out of the van.  
  
"Daria," said Jane. "Do you need help getting out?"  
  
"What do you mean?" asked Daria. "I'm already out. Can't you see? I'm right in front of you.   
  
Jane, why are you on fire?" There was a pause as Daria took a look at herself. "Oh,crap, I'm   
  
invisible, aren't I?"  
  
"Max is going to have a fit." Trent said, looking at the totalled van.  
  
They observed a man in coveralls standing near the road. "I didn't see them! I didn't see   
  
them!" he muttered.  
  
Trent knew this was the negligent driver and decided to give him a piece of his mind."Where   
  
the Hell did you get your license, a cereal box?" he inquired. "That was a one way street. You   
  
could've killed us all! My sister is on fire because of you."  
  
"I-I didn't mean to." the driver stammered. "I was in a hurry. Look, here's twenty bucks."   
  
He took out his wallet. "No one has to know." The driver began to run away.  
  
"Oh no you don't!" Trent grabbed for the man. To Trent's surprise, his arms stretched out   
  
for two yards to catch the driver. Whoa- how'd that happen? he wondered.  
  
A moan came from the semi. Another man in coveralls was pinned under the cab. "Please help   
  
me." he moaned. "I tried to get out, but it rolled over on me. I think my legs are broken."  
  
Jesse went over to the injured man. "If we all lift together," he said "maybe we can budge   
  
it enough for him to roll out." To demonstrate, Jesse gave what he thought was a token pull. Next   
  
thing he knew, he was holding a 6 ton diesel cab over his head.  
  
"Whoa." was all he could say.  
  
"Good God Almighty." murmured the injured trucker as Jesse set the semi upright. "Earl,"   
  
he finally said. I told you this was a one way street! Why didn't you listen?"  
  
"No one ever uses this road." was Earl's lame excuse.  
  
"My name is Ned." said the injured man. "I want to appologize for Earl's driving and all   
  
the mess this toxic waste made.And thank you, young man, for helping me."  
  
"It's cool." said Jesse.  
  
"There's a CB in the truck, so one of you can call for help." said Ned.  
  
"I'll do it." Daria volunteered. The door seemed to open itself as an invisible Daria got   
  
inside. She picked up the mike. "Umm...hello?" she spoke into it.  
  
"This here is The Black Fox." a voice answered. "What's your 20?"  
  
"Uh, we had an accident on a service road just off of highway 70. This guy has broke both legs."  
  
"Don't worry darlin', I'll have a meat wagon over there pronto. Black Fox out."  
  
Daria hoped "meat wagon" meant "Ambulance". She got out of the truck.  
  
"Hold him." Trent said, pushing Earl into Jesse's arms. "Daria," he said. "Where are you?"  
  
"Right in front of the truck." she answered.  
  
He approached her. "Keep talking so I know where you are." He reached a hand out in to the   
  
air in front of him.  
  
"Down, to the left." she instructed. "I meant my left, sorry."  
  
Trent touched something solid yet soft and covered in fabric. "Here she is." he said.  
  
"Umm...You might not want to touch me there." Daria was glad no one could see her blush.  
  
"Oh...sorry." Trent took his hand away. "Look, I think we should split as soon as the   
  
ambulance gets here."  
  
"Good idea." Suddenly, Daria reappeared, covered in green goop, but visible.  
  
"Hey, I'm not on fire anymore!" Jane observed. "My clothes seem to be OK- even if they are   
  
slimed. I don't even smell like smoke. Weird."  
  
When the ambulance came for Ned, the quartet did indeed "split". They ran for cover in a   
  
nearby woods and assessed their situation.  
  
"OK," said Trent. "The Tank is totalled. We were slimed by toxic waste. Jesse has super   
  
strength. Jane was on fire for a while but now she's fine. Daria went invisible and I can do this."   
  
He stretched an arm up to the top of a tall pine and plucked a needle.  
  
"This is scary." said Jane. "I've heard what they do to mutants."  
  
"Is that what we are now?" asked Daria. "Mutants?"  
  
"Looks like." said Trent.  
  
"All we have to do is keep this a secret." said Daria. "We'll be fine."  
  
"I dunno," said Jesse. "I kinda liked being able to help Ned back there."  
  
"And catching Earl before he got away was pretty cool." said Trent.  
  
"Maybe the Friends of Humanity will back off if we help a few people." said Jane.  
  
"Jane, your opptimism scares me." said Daria.  
  
"All for being superheros?" Trent put out his hand.  
  
"I'm in!" Jesse placed his hand on Trent's.  
  
"Me too!" Jane put her hand in the circle.  
  
"Oh, what the hell." Daria added her hand.  
  
On that day, the four greatest superheros Lawndale would ever know were born.  
  
"All we need now are some freakin' supervillians." said Daria.  
  
IN THE NEXT ISSUE OF THE FORMIDABLE FOUR:  
  
"Anyone for a barbeque?"  
  
"Just like the light of a new day, it hit me from out of the blue."  
  
"...did I give you permission to be a hero?"  
  
"I saw this in a Superman movie once."  
  
"I'm on one of those hidden camera shows, right?" 


	2. Some Heros Come Along

PART II: Some Heros Come Along.  
  
"Tell me again what you did to the Tank!" said Max.  
  
"It wasn't my fault." said Trent. "Like I said, this diesel truck carrying toxic waste came   
  
rushing at us the wrong way on a one way street."  
  
"And now you all have superpowers." There was an uncomfortable silence in Max's garage as   
  
the four tried to explain the unexplainable. "I find this pretty hard to believe."  
  
"Well, believe it or not, that's what happened." Trent replied.  
  
Oh great. thought Daria. Now the theme from The Great American Hero is going to be stuck   
  
in my head all day.  
  
/Look at what's happened to me./  
  
/I can't believe it my self./  
  
/Suddenly I'm on top of the world.  
  
/Shoulda been somebody else./  
  
/Believe it or not I'm walking on air./  
  
/I never thought I could feel so free./  
  
/Flying on a wing and a prayer./  
  
/Who could it be?/  
  
/Believe it or not it's just me./  
  
"If you need proof," said Trent. "I guess we'll have to show you." He nodded to Daria. She   
  
took the hint and went invisible.  
  
Max started to see Daria disappear before his own eyes. "It-It's a trick!" Max laughed.   
  
"I'm on one of those hidden camera shows, right? You-you used mirrors or something, it's an   
  
illusion, right?"  
  
"This is no illusion." Trent stretched his arm to the other side of the garage and picked   
  
up a hammer lying on a workbench.  
  
"How did you...?" Max started.  
  
Jane scooped some charcoal briquettes into a grill. "Flame on." she said, shooting a thin   
  
jet of fire at the coals. Immediatly, they flamed up brightly. "Anyone for a barbeque?"  
  
Max's jaw was dropped in shock. Jesse took a charcoal briquette out of the bag. "I saw this   
  
in a Superman movie once." he said and ground the coal into a rather rough diamond. "Here," he   
  
said, giving it to Max. "That should pay for the Tank."  
  
"Know something?" said Trent. "I kinda am in the mood for a barbequed burger."  
  
"In the refrigerator." gasped a breathless Max.   
  
In a brief amount of time the four friends discovered the grasp of their new powers. Daria   
  
could make herself invisible at will and make items invisible with her touch. She soon learned how   
  
to make and control invisible force fields. Jane learned to make her body a pillar of flame at will.   
  
To her shock which quickly turned to delight, she discovered that her body of fire could fly. Not   
  
only had she mastery of her body temperature, but she could also throw jets and balls of flame.   
  
Trent learned his new stretching ability was almost endless. It seemed as though bones and flesh   
  
had turned into infatiguable elastic, alowing him to stretch any part of his body into any shape   
  
or size. Jesse soon learned that not only had he immeasurable strength, but his body was well   
  
near indestructable.  
  
They soon found opportunities to put their powers to work that summer. They started small   
  
by foiling a bank robbery.They were all there so Trent and Jesse could cash the checks they got   
  
for performing at a bar mitzvah. Later, they would all go to a movie. A large man suddenly pulled   
  
a gun on the teller. "This is a stick up!" he yelled. "We'll be taking all the money we can carry!"   
  
His three accomplices took out bags and began collecting cash.  
  
Daria went invisible and snuck up on the first robber. To his shock, some force was trying   
  
to pull his gun away. "What the Hell!" he screamed, dropping his gun in surprise. To the robber,   
  
it seemed as if his gun was now floating in midair.  
  
"Give the money back." Daria demanded.  
  
The three accomplices decided to run for it. Trent stretched his leg across the room, tripping   
  
them. "Have a nice /trip/?" he couldn't resist saying.  
  
"Flame on!" Jane encircled two of the robbers with a ring of fire. The last one was quick   
  
and made it out the door. Jesse followed. The last robber jumped into the gettaway car and gunned   
  
the motor. He wasn't going anywhere. Jesse had lifted the rear axle of the car clear off the ground.  
  
The headlines of /The Lawndale Picayune/ the next day read "Four super powered young people   
  
foil bank robbery." Daria, Jane, Trent and Jesse were all in the photograph.   
  
"Oh my God, Daria!" yelled Jake. "You could've been killed!"  
  
"/Why/ didn't you tell us you had superpowers?" Helen demanded. "And what's more, did I   
  
give you /permission/ to be a hero? Now, I'm glad that you're finally taking some interest in   
  
other people, but this is just too much."  
  
"I don't have to take this." said Daria, and went invisible.  
  
"Don't think your superpowers are going to get you out of this, young lady!" Helen berated   
  
an empty seat cushion. It truly was empty. As soon as she turned invisible, Daria got up and left   
  
the room. I could get to like this new power. she thought.  
  
The Lanes were always rather clueless as to their children's activities, so no change there.   
  
Jesse's mother died when he was a child and his father only came home long enough to sleep off his   
  
drinking binges. All he received at home was further hero worship from his brother, Danny.  
  
Some weeks later, Max bought a new van; one in much better condition than the last. He   
  
dubbed it The Tank II and invited the other three Mystic Spiral members plus Daria and Jane to   
  
go on its maiden drive. They came to a barricaded road. An apartment building on that street had   
  
caught fire.  
  
"Holy crap!" said Max, getting out to see the conflageration. The firefighters were tending   
  
to a hysterical woman.  
  
"My son is up there!" She yelled. "He's on the top floor! He's only five!"  
  
"I'm going in." Jane stated.  
  
"Wait," said Max. "when you get there, look in the closet."  
  
"Uh-sure." said Jane. "Flame on!" She soared into the air to the top floor window.  
  
Jane entered the blazing room. She was not affraid of the fire- she was fire. She could   
  
tell from the melting toys and the burning race car bed that this had been a child's room. Jane   
  
could not see or hear a child, so she took Max's advice and went for the closet. The door turned   
  
to ash with her touch. There, passed out from smoke inhalation, was a small child.  
  
To late, Jane realized she couldn't touch the child in her flame form. "Flame off." she   
  
muttered. She coughed, the heavy smoke already affecting her. "C'mon, kid, wake up!" she shook him.   
  
He didn't. Jane wrapped her red overshirt over the child's mouth and nose. Now she was affraid.  
  
Maybe if I can flame on everything but my arms and chest, she thought, I can get us to the   
  
window. I don't know if I'll be able to fly. Well, I certainly can't stay here. Jane picked up the   
  
child, flamed on anything that wouldn't hurt the child, and ran for the window. "Little help!" she   
  
screamed.  
  
Trent stretched his body up to the window and took the child."Jane, your arms!"  
  
"I had to turn them off to pick him up."  
  
"You've been burned. Flame off and I'll take you down."  
  
Trent wobbled under the weight."Remember, Janey, I don't have Jesse's super strength."  
  
"I'm not heavy!"  
  
"Nope. You're my sister." Trent lowered himself to the ground. A greatful mother came for   
  
her son. Paramedics put the boy on oxygen. Another medic tended to Jane's arms. Adrenalized, she   
  
hadn't felt the embers strike her flesh. Now, the pain was getting to her.  
  
"Max," she asked as they went back to the van. "How did you know about the closet?"  
  
Nick had a theory. "Maybe he has some mutant psycic power."  
  
"Nah," said Max. "When I was a kid my house caught on fire. I thought the closet was safe."  
  
The next morning's headlines read "Super heroine injured in fire."   
  
Lawndale, Massachusets was now the proud hometown of four superheros. Their helpful and   
  
couragous acts made them local celebrities. Mystic Spiral was in more demand as a party band.   
  
The Zen was packed everytime they played. /The Lawndale Picayune/ called them the Formidable Four   
  
and hosted a contest to choose codenames for the heroes. Daria picked "Phantom" as her codename.   
  
Jane took up the moniker "Flamin' Jane". Jesse's nom de plume was "Hercules". Trent would be   
  
otherwise known as "Sir Stretchalot". The winners got a private meet and greet session complete   
  
with photos and autographs.   
  
"Just like the light of a new day," Daria sang as she sat on Jane's bed. "It hit me from   
  
out of the blue, Breaking me out of the spell I was in. Making all of my wishes come true."  
  
"What was that?" Jane asked, looking up from a sculpture she was welding together, using   
  
her new fire control powers.  
  
"Nothing." said the recently dubbed Phantom. "Just a tune stuck in my head ever since that   
  
incident with the toxic waste."  
  
But with fame and plaudits there comes a price, as the Formidable Four would soon learn....   
  
IN THE NEXT ISSUE OF THE FORMIDABLE FOUR:  
  
"They're still ugly and dressed funny."  
  
"Sandi is a toad face!"  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"Think the punch is laced with cyanide?"  
  
"Dry it UP! Dry it UP! Dry it UP! Dry it UP! Dry it UP! Dry it UP! Dry it UP! Dry it UP!"  
  
"Go to Hell!!!"  
  
"As corny as it sounds, that's actually a good idea."  
  
(a/n) Believe it or not, Joey Scarberry wrote the theme to The Great American Hero. Other notes:  
  
I've based this more or less on The Fantastic Four comics, property of Stan Lee and the other good  
  
folks at Marvel. Daria is property of MTV.  
  
OK, I think I've seen Johnny carry people in his 'flame on' mode, but I'm not sure how it  
  
works. Remember, they're still getting used to their powers. They won't test the limits if it   
  
means someone might get hurt.   
  
The writers of Daria shortchanged Jesse's character, so I had to give him a backstory. Jesse's  
  
mom died of breast cancer when he was 10. His father became an alcaholic soon after. Jesse has   
  
been more or less raising his younger brother Danny ever since. Danny was mentioned in the Daria  
  
Diaries. He seemed to really admire his big brother. Danny was never on the show, but it's rumored  
  
that he's the same Danny that Quinn sold phone cards to. If you're wondering why I didn't make  
  
Jesse completly like the Thing, it's like this. I decided Jesse has enough angst in his life   
  
without throwing in 'boo-hoo, I'm an ugly orange rock monster and no one loves me.' Remember,   
  
Jesse can be prejudged by his looks too. Someone may believe that because he's good-looking and  
  
quiet, he must be stupid and shallow. I think we can do better than that. Keep reading. 


	3. The Wrath of Wart Girl

Fanfiction Four III: The Wrath of Wart Girl  
  
The school year started for Jane and Daria started in a most unusual way. To start with,   
  
students who had previously avoided them suddenly wanted to be their best friends. Wisely, the   
  
girls took their classmate's praise with a grain of salt. They knew it was not Daria and Jane   
  
everyone wanted to know, but Phantom and Flamin' Jane. Even more bizarre, the principal threw   
  
them a surprise party in the middle of English Lit.  
  
"Now, who can tell me what the myth of Psyche and Cupid teaches us?" asked Mr. O'Neil.  
  
"Um... Be nice to your mother-in-law?" Brittany dimly answered.  
  
"Don't open other people's mail?" offered Kevin.  
  
O'Neil sighed. "Tell the class, Daria."  
  
Daria was quite used to this. "The myth explains how detrimental petty jealosies can be.   
  
Venus could only let go of her self-centered rage when she realized it was hurting someone she   
  
loved, namely her son, Cupid."  
  
"Very good, Daria!" he said. "Roman-Greco gods are presented as very human, with loves,   
  
fears, jealousy..."  
  
Just then, Ms. Li barged in, wheeling in a sheet cake. "Step aside, Mr. O'Niel," she said.  
  
"I wish to honor the two superheroines of Laaaawndale High!"  
  
"Gimme strength." Daria mumbled.   
  
"Sorry," said Jane. "That's Jesse's department."  
  
"Ms. Li," Mr.O'Neil said meekly. "We were just discussing mythology and..."  
  
"Who cares about some dusty myths, O'Neil? We've got a pair of heros in this very room and   
  
I've brought a cake and punch on their behalf. Now, line up everyone!"   
  
The whole class queued up to receive a piece of cake with the words "Our Heros, Phantom &   
  
Flamin' June" written in yellow and blue royal frosting.  
  
"Think the punch is laced with cyanide?" Jane joked to her friend.  
  
"I know it's not like Ms. Li to give out free refreshments." said Daria. "She has an ulterior motive."  
  
"Don't look a gift cake in the mouth." said Jane, getting in line.  
  
"No girls!" said Ms. Li. "To the front of the line with you!"  
  
"Hey! They misspelled my name!" said Jane.  
  
"I'm not hungry." Daria said as they returned to their desks. "I think I'll disappear for   
  
awhile, before I get asked to sign another autograph." Daria vanished.  
  
"More cake for me." Jane decided.  
  
Sandi Griffen glared at the female half of the Formidable Four. "Who do they think they   
  
are?" she rhetorically asked the rest of the Fashion Club. "They rescue a kid, stop a few robbers   
  
and they suddenly think that makes them special or something."  
  
"They're still ugly and dressed funny." observed Stacy. "But people seem to like them. I   
  
don't get it."  
  
"There's lots of things you don't get, Stacy." said Sandi.  
  
"Quinn," asked Tiffany. "isn't. Phantom. like. your /cousin/. or. something?"  
  
"Yeah." said Quinn. "Thank God no one in the family cares that she's doing all this hero   
  
crap." God, thought Quinn. I don't know what I'd do if Mom and Dad started favoring Daria. I'm   
  
the favorite, and I plan to keep it that way.  
  
Sandi burned with envy. How dare Jane sit there and enjoy that cake, so superior in her   
  
new status she doesn't even think about calories and saturated fat. And Daria or Phantom or   
  
whoever just dissapears, thinking she's to good to let others see her. Fine. No one wants to   
  
look at her homely face anyway. I wish to Hell they'd both disappear and never come back so   
  
people would start worshipping me again, the way it's supposed to be.  
  
At the end of the day an anouncment came over the intercom. "Attention" said Ms Li. "Will   
  
Phantom and Flam-uh I mean Daria Morgendorfer and Jane Lane report to the principal's office."  
  
Daria gave Jane an "I told you so" look and they headed for the office.  
  
"Girls," said Ms. Li. "First, I want you to know that I've heard of your exploits over the   
  
summer and I am very, very proud of you."  
  
"Let me guess." said Daria. "Now you want us to use our powers to bring honor to Laaaaawndale High." Daria mocked Ms. Li's pronounciation.  
  
"Very astute, Miss Morgendorfer." Ms. Li didn't pick up on the taunt. "These powers of yours   
  
can be used in ways you never dreamed of. For example, as you may know, our library has a rather   
  
leaky roof. Unfortunatly, we do not have the funds to fix it."  
  
"You would if the football team didn't demand new uniforms." said Jane.  
  
"Hear me out." said Ms. Li. "Now, suppose I took out a fire insurance policy on the library   
  
and it met with an accident." She gave Jane a knowing wink.  
  
"Ms Li, you're asking me to commit arson."said Jane.  
  
"And Daria," Ms. Li continued. "Your powers are limitless! During games, you can always   
  
walk out on the field and trip up the opposing team. And of course there's espionage and clandestine acquisition."  
  
"Isn't that a fancy way of saying 'theft'?" asked Daria.  
  
"Girls," said Ms. Li. "Just think of all the funds you could raise for me, I mean Laaawndale High."  
  
"Your Freudian slip is showing." said Daria.  
  
"This conversation is over." Jane said as they got up to leave.  
  
"I hold your grades in my hands!" Ms. Li threatened.  
  
"Don't worry about our grades." Jane told Daria as they walked home. "Jesse introduced me   
  
to his brother, Danny. He's only 14, but he's a computer genius and he'd do just about anything   
  
Jesse asked him to. He could just hack into the school computer and change our grades back.   
  
He's done it before."  
  
"So, you and Jesse are a couple now?'  
  
"Not really." said Jane. "Jesse's sweet, but I can't get him to communicate." Jane smiled.   
  
"Remember the little girl from the meet and greet the /Picayune/ sponsered? The one who named   
  
Jesse 'Hercules.' Astrid, I think her name was."  
  
"I remember her mother said she had anemia. I also remember she kept gazing at Jesse with   
  
stars in her eyes. I think you have competition."  
  
"Daria, she was only 11, and looked like she was 8. It was nice of Jesse to give her a piggy-back   
  
ride. Still keeping in touch with the hunk who named you Phantom?"  
  
"Harrold's a 35 year old computer programmer, married with a baby. Neither of us really   
  
have time. How 'bout you and Rita? Have you heard from the girl who named you 'Flamin' Jane'?"  
  
"She sent me an E-mail. She's dating Walter, the guy who came up with 'Sir Stretchalot'."   
  
Jane chuckled. "Oh, he was a character. He belonged to the Society for Creative Anachronisms.   
  
Liked to dress up and pretend it was still the Middle Ages."  
  
"Trent was a good sport about the whole accolade ceremony Walter insisted on."  
  
"And Jesse said he wanted to do more with sick kids. Like entertain at a hospital or something."  
  
"As corny as it sounds, that's actually a good idea."   
  
The next morning, Sandi awoke and went to the bathroom. She stopped to admire herself in   
  
the mirror when she noticed something strangly amiss. Resting on the bridge of her nose was a   
  
huge pus filled wart. She screeched."AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"Sandi!" shouted Mrs. Griffen. "What the Hell is wrong with you?" She saw the wart. She screeched.   
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"What's up?" asked Mr. Griffen. "Dear Lord!" He tried not to be violently sick.  
  
"Eeew! Gross!" Chris said admiringly.  
  
"Ha Ha!" laughed Craig. "Sandi is a toad face!"  
  
"Well, she can't go to school like that." Mrs. Griffen said flatly. "We're taking her to   
  
the dermitologist. Chris, get me your ski mask."  
  
The Griffens waited anxiously for hours in Dr. Hubbell's office. He came out with a distraught   
  
and warty Sandi. "I'm sorry," said Dr. Hubbell. "The prognosis is not good."  
  
"Dr. Hubbell," said Mrs. Griffen. "We want that wart off our daughter's nose. Money is no object."  
  
"Mrs. Griffen, you can't solve this problem by throwing money at it." said Dr. Hubbell.   
  
"Come into my lab. I'll explain everything." In the lab, he showed the Griffens an X-ray of   
  
Sandi's head. "The wart on the bridge of your daughter's nose is directly connected to a nerve   
  
that leads directly to her brain. An incision in this area could kill her- or worse."  
  
"A topical ointment then?" Mrs. Griffen pleaded.  
  
"I'm sorry." Dr. Hubbell appologized. "The dermal surface of this wart is the thickest and   
  
most irregular I've ever seen. Nothing known to medical science can safely remove this wart."  
  
"NO!" cried Mrs. Griffen. "You don't understand, Dr. Hubbell! My daughter is a total moron   
  
with no skills or talents. Her looks are all she has going for her!"  
  
Sandi tried to fight the tears in her eyes. She knew her mother spoke the truth, but it   
  
hurt to hear it from her. She didn't even have her good looks anymore.  
  
The Griffen's kept Sandi home for a week, hoping the wart would go away on its own. When   
  
it didn't, they had no choice but to send her back to school.  
  
Sandi kept her head down and hid her face behind her books. As she opened her locker, Stacy   
  
approached. "Hey, Sandi," she said. "Where have you..." Stacy saw Sandi's reflection in her   
  
make-up mirror. Stacy screamed and fainted. Pandemonium insued.  
  
"Omigod! What happened?"  
  
"Stacy fainted!"   
  
"Jesus H. Christ! What the hell is that thing on Sandi's face?"  
  
"That's the biggest damn pimple I ever saw!"  
  
"Gross! She looks like a rhinocerous or something!"  
  
Sandi covered her face with her hands and ran from the crowd. As she raced down the hall   
  
she crashed into Chet Mason, the hunky tight end from the football team.  
  
"Where's the fire, Sandi?" he asked. "Ya wanna go to Pizza King after..." Chet saw Sandi's   
  
face and retched. "Never mind." he said.  
  
All day, Sandi had to deal with stares, horrified looks and whispers. She ate lunch alone   
  
for the first time in her life. Even the Fashion Club abandoned her.  
  
After gym class, Sandi prepared for her shower. Something hit her in the back of the head.   
  
Every one laughed. It was a tube of Cortizone 10.   
  
"Who threw this?!" she demanded.  
  
"I did!" said Angie. "Whatcha gonna do about it, Pinnochio?"  
  
"Dry it up!" Andrea threw a bottle of witch hazel at her.  
  
"Dry it up!" Brooke threw a box of Clearasil pads at her.  
  
Skin care products rained on the naked Sandi.  
  
''Dry it UP! Dry it UP! Dry it UP! Dry it UP! Dry it UP! Dry it UP! Dry it UP! Dry it UP!"  
  
"I'm sorry." said Daria. "But not even Sandi deserves this." She created an invisible   
  
force field over Sandi. The girls became bored with bouncing pharmesuticals off an invisible   
  
field and left.  
  
"Who asked you to interfere, Ghost Girl, or whoever?" Sandi asked.  
  
"It's Phantom." said Daria. "And you're welcome."  
  
Sandi trembled with rage, jealousy, despair, and sorrow. How dare this geek become more   
  
acceptable than her! "I hate you, Quinn's cousin!" she screamed.   
  
When she got home, Sandi made a life changing decision. She would rather be dead than live   
  
with a gargantuan wart on her nose. She took a butcher knife, and began cutting at the wart.  
  
Sandi did not die. However, as soon as the sac of bloody pus fell in the kitchen sink,   
  
Sandi began to chuckle maniacally. Mrs Griffen walked into the kitchen.  
  
"Sandi! What the hell are you...."  
  
"Sandi is dead! Only Wart Girl remains! You won't be so lucky, Mommy Dearest!"She plunged   
  
the knife into her mother's shoulder. The thing that was Sandi continued to stab, oblivious to   
  
the rivlets of blood and the rasping screams. "Say I'm ugly, Mommy! Tell me what an untalented   
  
moron I am! Still think I'm clumsy, Mommy? Say something, Mommy! Speak, damn you, speak!"  
  
"Please stop, Sandi." Mrs. Griffen sobbed. "You're hurting me!"  
  
"Go to Hell!!!" Sandi finished off her mother, slitting her throat.  
  
Mr. Griffen came home at that time. "Son of a bitch!" he yelled.  
  
"I was the daughter of a bitch." said Sandi. "Wanna play a game, Daddy?"  
  
"Oh God, OH GOD!" he yelled.  
  
"God is dead. Just like you!" She stabbed her father in the stomache and began twisting   
  
the knife. "Die, Daddy, die!" When she was done, she ran out of the house. She didn't stop running   
  
untill she came to the old creek in the outskirts of town. She found a sewage drainage pipe and   
  
hid in there. She sat there for hours, rocking back and forth.  
  
For 5 years, Dirk had made the sewers his home. It was hand to mouth existance, but the   
  
Morlocks had been kind to him. They were more like a family than his own had been. No one made   
  
fun of his glowing eyes or the huge nodule on his head. No one hated and feared him for  
  
his psychic abilities. The Morlocks were all a strange lot. It was his turn to scavenge for food.   
  
He saw a girl with nut-brown hair sitting at the entrance. He tried to sense her mind, but he   
  
got next to nothing. It was like trying to make some sense out of a fuzzy TV station. "Who are   
  
you?" Dirk asked.  
  
She looked up at him. Her face reminded Dirk of a picture he saw once of a rhino after   
  
some poachers were done with it. "Are you a mutant, too?" he asked.  
  
"N-no one loves me." she sobbed.  
  
"You can live with us. My name is Dirk, some call me Psy-node. You're safe with the Morlocks."  
  
"I'm Wart Girl."  
  
Sandi may have been insane, but she kept elements of her personality. Namly, her bossines,  
  
her natural charisma, her desire for power and leadership. She quickly gained followers among   
  
the Morlocks.  
  
"Do you think it's fair," she asked at one of her rallies. "that while we are so shunned   
  
from humanity that we have to live with rats and waste water the rest of the world lives in nice   
  
air conditioned houses and stuff themselves with more food than is good for them?"  
  
"NO!" the Morlocks chorused.  
  
"We may be ugly, but we have powers far superior to those pitifully weak above grounders! I say we take back the world above ground!   
  
To Hell with humanity!"  
  
"TO HELL WITH HUMANITY!!!!" Was the rallying cry.  
  
The Morlocks came upon Lawndale like a wolf upon the fold. Most people who saw them were   
  
wise to run away. The rest found themselves thrown far distances, knocked down, frozen in place   
  
or simply driven insane. Stores were smashed and looted by the hoard of the ostracized mutants.   
  
Dr. Shar's Cosmetic Surgery Clinic was broken into.   
  
"AAAAAIIIIIEEEEE!!!!!!" Screamed the receptionist. "SEVERELY ugly people!" She ran away.  
  
"Look," said Dr. Shar. "I know you people need work more than anyone I've seen but I don't   
  
do walk ins. Now, if you'll make an appointment, I'll see about giving you group rates. Miss, I'm   
  
affraid I'll have to ask you to put that li'l old scalpel dow-ow-bleaaghargh!" Wart Girl snuffed   
  
out yet another life.   
  
Another band of Morlocks pillaged Axl's Tattoo Hut. A female covered in huge quills got her   
  
hands on a tattoo gun. "'Ere, now," yelled Axl. "Get yer 'ands offa that!" She hurled one of her   
  
quills at him like a javelin. It went through the window. "Ah, 'elp yerself."  
  
Meanwhile, window shopping at a music store across the street was Trent Lane, AKA "Sir Stretchalot."   
  
Right after the spearlike quill shattered Axl's window the tattoo artist ran out screaming. A   
  
chick that bore a strange resemblance to a porcupine followed, brandishing her new weapon. Trent   
  
ducked in an ally way and whipped out his cell.  
  
"Yo!" Jane answered.  
  
"Janey, strange things are afoot at Dega Street. This looks like a job for the Formidable Four."  
  
"To the Formobile!" cried Jane, hanging up the phone.  
  
"Um...you mean Jesse's Range Rover?" asked Daria.  
  
"Uh...yeah."   
  
The Morlock's rein of terror was halted by the Formidable Four. "Hold it right there, Sewer Slime!" shouted Flamin' Jane.  
  
"Who dares stop me?" demanded Wart Girl.  
  
"We are the Formidable Four." said Sir Stretchalot. "And we won't let you destroy our city."  
  
"It's the only one we have." said Hercules.  
  
"You've literally cut off your nose to spite your face, Sandi." said Phantom. "You've bullied   
  
around for too long! Now that we've finished our Sailor Moon shtick...."  
  
"We shall punish you!" they chorused.  
  
"I am not Sandi! I am Wart Girl! Morlocks! ATTACK!!!!''  
  
"Well," said Phantom. "We didn't train all those months at Kenji's Dojo for nothing." She   
  
became invisible as Morlocks surrounded them.  
  
"Flame on! You're about to get whupped by the ever lovin' blue-eyed Jane!" Hercules and   
  
Sir Stretchalot gave her a look. "What?"  
  
Phantom started dealing out karate chops to the neck. This was difficult even for an   
  
invisible fighter. Many of the Morlocks didn't have necks.  
  
Flamin' Jane scattered fireballs left and right. "Lo-o-ove is a burning flame." she sang   
  
as she worked. "That makes, a firey ring." She encircled some Morlocks with a fire jet. "And I   
  
fell, to my desire. I fell into- a ring of fire." One Morlock broke through her defences. He was   
  
7 feet tall and appeared to be made out of baked clay. He began to bear down on the Heroine of   
  
Heat when Hercules grabbed the behemoth and hefted him over his head. "Thanks, Jess!"  
  
"No! No one can beat the Golem!" The Morlock shouted.  
  
"I just did." Hercules threw the Golem at a clutch of rampaging Morlocks.  
  
Sir Stretchalot was all over the field- literally. His stretching ability allowed him to   
  
judo throw one enemy while sweep kicking another. The Golem was back on his feet and going for   
  
the occupied Rubbery Rocker. Phantom trapped the monster in an invisible dome.  
  
"Oh, look!" said Jane. "A mime show!"She kept singing- badly. "I fell into a burning ring   
  
of fire." She hurled a sheet of flame at her attackers. "I fell down, and the flames went higher.   
  
And it burned, burned, burned..."  
  
"Shut up Jane." said Daria.  
  
"YOU!!" Screamed Wart Girl. "Dana, Darla, whoever-wherever you are. It's all YOUR fault   
  
that I'm this walking freak show! I'll get you yet!"  
  
Phantom was about to come up with a witty retort when she was struck with a sudden urge to   
  
reveal herself. It seemed silly, even suicidal, but she couldn't resist. She willed herself to   
  
become visible.  
  
Sandi brandished a scalpel in one hand and a bone saw in the other. "THIS ENDS HERE, BRAIN!!" she bellowed.  
  
"Bring it, Bitch!" Phantom challenged. Suddenly, she was attacked by another sudden urge.  
  
*Kneel, kneel before the Goddess of the Wart! Accept your fate!*  
  
"What?" Phantom asked the voice in her head. "No! I won't do it!"  
  
*Kneel, scum! You deserve to die! On your knees!*  
  
Phantom's legs collapsed under her. She wanted to fight. She wanted to put a force field   
  
between herself and Wart Girl. She wanted to run. She could do nothing.  
  
Flamin' Jane saw him. A gangly youth with glowing eyes and a bulbous node atop his head   
  
was staring straight at Phantom- who was kneeling before a murderous Wart Girl. Flamin' Jane   
  
volleyed a fireball at him. He went down. The spell broken, Phantom defended herself with   
  
an invisible shield. Wart Girl screamed with rage as the shield turned her blade. Phantom enveloped   
  
her long time foe in an invisible sphere.   
  
"Here is your leader!" Phantom hoisted her captive in the air. "She is not infalable!"  
  
"Man, fuck this shit." said the porcupine girl.  
  
"I'm going back to the ssssssssewer!" hissed a reptillian mutant. The Morlocks who could, left.  
  
"Come back!" Wart Girl cried, pounding on the wall of the sphere. "Don't leave me!"  
  
Sir Steretchalot took out his cell and called the police. "Hi, Captain Granger, Sir Stretchalot.   
  
We're gonna need your boys at Dega Street.....Nah, we've got it under control. All we need is   
  
someone to take these creeps into custody"  
  
The police came and arrested all the Morlocks who didn't escape. Phantom took away her   
  
force field so they could arrest Wart Girl.  
  
"Sandi Griffen," the officer said, cuffing her hands behind her back. "You are under   
  
arrest for three counts of murder and inciting a riot. You have the right to remain silent...."  
  
"I am not Sandi." she wept. "I am Wart Girl."  
  
The next day, the Formidable Four watched the news from Casa Lane. The story was about   
  
yesterday's incident.  
  
"Turn it off." said Daria. "Living it once was enough."  
  
"What do you think will happen to Sandi?" Jane asked.  
  
"Massachusettes doesn't recognize the death penalty."Daria said. "Her lawyer will probably   
  
plea insanity. All things considered, that plea will be successful."  
  
"She's gonna be locked in a padded room for some time." Jane decided.  
  
"What's wrong with padded rooms?" Daria asked.  
  
"Damn shame about the two little Griffen boys." said Trent. "Saw what their sister did to   
  
their parents and turned into a pair of gibbering idiots."  
  
"They were halfway there anyway." said Daria.  
  
"Sick, Sad World is on." Jane turned on the TV.  
  
"Mutants tried to overthrow Lawndale, Massachusettes." said the announcer. "Could your town be next? Stay tuned to Sick, Sad World!"  
  
IN THE NEXT ISSUE OF THE FORMIDABLE FOUR:  
  
"Eeew! Boys are icky!"  
  
"If Daria had more of a Farrah Faucet hair do..."  
  
"If you really THINK being a SUPERHERO is more IMPORTANT than learning about the HORROR that was the VIETNAM WAR then by   
  
all means, go right AHEAD!"  
  
"You will die, you worthless pig of a man!"  
  
"Do not think I will hesitate to strike simply because you are female."  
  
"Don't worry, this will only hurt a lot!"  
  
"Well, it's not the first time I made friends with someone who bit me."  
  
(A/N) Don't flame me! "Ring of Fire" belongs to the late, great Johnny Cash. I realize this fic is a bit gory. don't worry, I won't make a habit of it.  
  
But Dr. Shar had to die. If I could think of a plausable way to do it, I'd kill Val too. They were one-shot characters but they were annoying as hell.  
  
It's true, by the way. Massachusettes does not recognize the death penalty. I tried to base Sandi "Wart Girl" Griffen on Mole Man, but she came  
  
out more like Callisto, just missing a nose instead of an eye. I myself once saw a show on the Discovery Channel where they showed a rhino  
  
after the poachers were done with it. Here's the sad part. The poor rhino was still alive. It suffered while it's horn was being sawn off.  
  
The "Plug it Up" sequence was inspired by Steven King's /Carrie/.  
  
The next story will feature some O/Cs. The Kenji of Kenji's Dojo mentioned earlier is one of them. 


	4. I Am Woman, Hear Me Lay The Smack Down

Fanfiction Four IV: I am Woman, Hear Me Lay the Smack Down.  
  
Daria and Jane were in O'Neil's English Literature class. "Now class," he said. "What was   
  
Moby Dick really about?"  
  
"Um, a fish?" Brittany answered.  
  
"Daria...." Mr. O'Neil sighed.  
  
"First of all," Daria started. "The title character is a whale, not a fish. And that's only   
  
what the story was superficially about. The focus of the story is a man who gets hurt and rather   
  
than see it as a learning experience he let's his anger consume him. His desire for vengeance ultimatly   
  
kills him."  
  
"Very good!" Mr. O'Neil praised. "But next time, try to use smaller words, kay?"  
  
"I'm so sick of having to explain everything." Daria told Jane as school let out. "It should   
  
be so obvious. And because teachers always make me tell the class everyone thinks I'm just a boring   
  
know-it-all."  
  
"I don't think you're boring." said Jane. "But I thought the theme to Moby Dick was Man   
  
verses Nature, or something. I do know a whale isn't a fish."  
  
As they walked outside a carhorn honked. Trent was waiting in his green Ford. Jesse was   
  
in the passenger seat. "Oh yeah," said Jane. "We've got training with Kenji today."  
  
At the dojo, the Formidable Four awaited their trainer. Kenji Osaka entered the training   
  
hall. He was a middle aged Japanese man in the traditional white gi. "Good afternoon, Formidable   
  
Four." he said, bowing to his private students.  
  
"Good afternoon, Kenji-sempei." they chorused, bowing. Kenji had long since taught them the   
  
proper manners to use in a dojo.  
  
"Today, we will work on our flips. This is useful knowledge when you are attacked from behind.   
  
Daria-san. Try to attack me from behind. You may go invisible if you wish."  
  
"Alright." Daria vanished and went for Kenji's back. It was an unusual sight. Kenji seemed   
  
to jerk back for a moment and then thrusted his body forward, nearly bending in half. An imprint   
  
appeared on the mat with a thump and Daria's grunt. "An unseen attacker is a most dangerous   
  
foe." he said. "But not an undefeatable one. Daria-san, if you will become visible, I want you   
  
to practice this technique with Jane-san."  
  
Daria reappeared. "Keep those flames off, Jane-san." she said.  
  
"You must call me Jane-chan!" Jane got in position.  
  
"Know what this reminds me of, Jess?" Trent whispered. "Remember that old TV show, /Charlie's   
  
Angels/? If Daria had more of a Farrah Faucet hairdo..."  
  
"No talking in class." Kenji admonished.  
  
When the session was over the Formidable Four bid good day to Kenji and went to the locker   
  
rooms for showers and to change into street clothes. After that, pizza for dinner. Meanwhile,   
  
Kenji put away the mats, looking forward to dinner with his family at home.  
  
But Kenji would have no such dinner that night. A tall figure dressed in a black gi and   
  
matching hood lept from the rafters.  
  
"Who are you?" Kenji demanded.  
  
"Your worst damn nightmare, you man you!" replied a woman's voice.  
  
"Do not think I will hesitate to strike, simply because you are female." Kenji took his stance.  
  
"You'd better not!" answered the ninja.   
  
The ninja launched a flying kick at Kenji, which he skillfully dodged. (Insert bullet time   
  
sequence here.) Kenji counterattacked by grabbing the woman's leg and throwing her. She was not   
  
down long. She jumped up, connecting the palm of her hand to Kenji's chin. He responded with   
  
a series of chops and kicks. She attempted to strike his head. He blocked, kicked and tossed.   
  
She landed halfway across the room. She ran at him in a screaming rage. Kenji merely stepped aside.  
  
"You are nothing but a chest pounding coward, like all men!" said the ninja. "You can dish   
  
it out, but you duck and block as many of my moves as you can!"  
  
"You are without discipline." said Kenji. "With offence must come deffence. You will do well   
  
to learn this."  
  
"And you will do well to learn," said the ninja. "that some people fight dirty!" She threw   
  
a smoking bomb at him. The thick gas overcame Kenji. He blacked out.  
  
Kenji woke up in a dark room strapped to a large heavy chair. The ninja stood over him.  
  
"Who are you?" he asked. "If you are INS, I was sworn in 8 years ago and I pay taxes. If   
  
you are the Yakuza, I am a simple instructor. I have nothing you want."  
  
The ninja removed her mask. She was well into her forties with long brown hair and crow's   
  
feet. "Ah, but you do have something I want, Mr. Osaka. Your skills. It seems you men have a few   
  
uses after all."  
  
"And if I refuse to fight for you?"  
  
"Oh, that won't be an issue. You see, everyone thinks I'm just Janet Barch, high school   
  
science teacher and bitter divorc`e. No one has an inkling of the fantastic machines I have created   
  
in my secret laboratory here in this abandoned building. You are sitting in one right now. Meet   
  
your two new students, Kenji Osaka!" Ms. Barch opened a closet door.  
  
Inside the closet were two teenaged girls, both bound and gagged. One was an African American   
  
with a pink blouse and long dreadlocks. The other wore a cheerleader's uniform and wore her blonde   
  
hair in two pigtails. Ms. Barch removed the gags.  
  
"Ms. Barch, you've really gone off the deep end this time!" said the girl with the locks.  
  
"When my Kevvie hears about this...!" The blonde threatened.  
  
"Your Kevvie can't do shit!" yelled Ms. Barch. "Now, I believe a little brainwashing is in order."   
  
She strapped the girls down in 2 chairs simular to the one Kenji sat in. Ms. Barch pulled a lever,   
  
causing a ray gun to strike them with a stream of lightening. The girls screamed and convulsed as   
  
flashing volts of electricity ran through them. Kenji had to look away. It was just to horrible   
  
to watch. "They're quite alive, Mr. Osaka." she assured him. She loosened them from their chairs.   
  
They stood with blank looking eyes.  
  
"Tell me, my dear," Ms. Barch said, toying with the first girl's dreadlocks. "What do you   
  
think about Michael McKenzie?"  
  
"Like all men," she said. "he is nothing but a sex-crazed pig. Women have been oppressed   
  
by patriarchy for far to long!"  
  
"Very good." Ms Barch turned to the cheerleader and played with her pigtails. "And you,   
  
dear, what do you think about Kevin Thompson?"   
  
"Eeew! Boys are icky!"  
  
"So you kidnap children and brainwash them." said Kenji. "What do you want with me?"  
  
"Shut up, you stupid male!" said the first girl.  
  
"I wanna go beat him up!" said the other.  
  
"That's the spitit!" said Ms. Barch. "Mr. Osaka, I have 2 uses for you. the first involves   
  
4 of your students." She took out an old newspaper clipping. The headline was "Local martial arts   
  
instructor offers free private lessons to Formidible Four" Kenji remembered posing for the photo.   
  
"The old Kidnap Sensai trick always brings the heroes out of hiding."  
  
"You will be no match for them." he said.  
  
"That's where you come in, Osaka! Not only have I invented an instant brainwashing ray,   
  
but I have also invented a learning accelerator. What took you years of training and discipline   
  
to learn, these girls will learn in minutes." She lowered a metal cap onto his head. "Don't worry,   
  
this will only hurt a lot!"  
  
The girls sat back in their chairs with metal caps on. Ms. Barch pulled the switch. Kenji   
  
tried very hard not to yell out in pain. When it was over he nearly collapsed with exaustion. Only   
  
the straps held him up. The girls, however, looked quite refreshed.  
  
"A display of your new skills, girls." Ms Barch requested.  
  
The girls bowed to her and went into a tandem kata. They splintered a few boards. They began   
  
to spar, but were to evenly matched for a winner to be determined. My own children, thought Kenji.   
  
They are not so skilled. What does this madwoman have in mind?  
  
"Brittany, Jodi," she said. "Go into the next room and change into the black gi you find   
  
there. Then I want you to go into the night and kidnap all the young women you can. But leave   
  
Phantom and Flamin' Jane for me!"  
  
"Yes, Mistress." Jodi said with a bow.  
  
"Yes, matress."Brittany said with a bow.  
  
"That's Mistress you dumass blonde!"  
  
The next morning, Trent woke up to the ringing of his cell phone. "Mm..hello?." he mumbled.  
  
"Am I speaking to one of the Formidable Four?" The caller was a woman with an Asian accent.  
  
"Sir Stretchalot speaking." Trent stretched his arm downstairs for a breakfast bar.  
  
"This is Hoshiko Osaka, Kenji's wife. My husband did not come home last night. You were   
  
his last class. Do you know what happened to him?"  
  
"I'm sorry, ma'am. We left class as usual. Kenji seemed pretty normal."  
  
"Kenji never does this. He always comes home for dinner. If he couldn't, I'm sure he'd call."  
  
"Tell you what, Mrs. Osaka," he said, biting into his breakfast bar. "I'll round up the   
  
rest of the team and meet you at the dojo. We'll get to the bottom of this."  
  
"Domo Arigato, Stretcha-san."  
  
"No prob." He hung up, got dressed, and went downstairs. Ah great. He thought. That Mr. Roboto song is stuck in my head now.   
  
/Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto, for coming just when I needed you. Thank you./  
  
Trent drove over to Jesse's house. He learned from past experiences that if all was quiet,   
  
it was best just to walk in. Sure enough, Mr. Moreno was passed out on the couch, snoring in his   
  
drunken slumber. Trent slipped past him and went upstairs to Jesse's room. He had left the door   
  
ajar and was still in bed. Trent always smiled when he saw Jesse's room. It was somewhat neater   
  
than his own. Every inch of wall space was covered with posters of his favorite bands. Among   
  
Aerosmith, Queen, Smashing Pumpkins, Korn, Creed and an ad for The Crow was an incongruant   
  
Mariah Carey. His weight set collected dust in a corner. Of course. Trent thought. Lifting those   
  
would be like lifting pillows for Jesse. "Yo, Jess," he said, trying to rouse him. "We got trouble." Jesse snorted as he woke.  
  
"Trouble?"  
  
"Great big trouble." said Trent.  
  
"Right here in Lawndale City?"  
  
"Skip the song cue, dude. Mrs. Osaka just called. Kenji's missing."  
  
"You wanna get the girls?"  
  
"Yeah, let's go"  
  
Trent and Jesse tiptoed past Mr. Moreno and got in Trent's car. "Dude," said Trent. "You've   
  
really gotta do something about your dad."  
  
"Don't start on that again, Trent." Jesse sighed. "I've told you. there's nothing I can do."  
  
"The man's a ticking time bomb. You gotta do something."  
  
"What? Threaten to beat him to death if he takes another drink?"  
  
"Hold an intervention, something."  
  
"Trent, I can't do that."  
  
"Jesse, last year you couldn't bench press a mini-van. Now you can."  
  
"Let's just get the girls so we can find Kenji."  
  
"Fine." Great, Trent thought. Now he's mad at me. Which means he'll give me the silent   
  
treatment untill he's not mad anymore. At least Old Man Moreno can't hurt him anymore- physically.  
  
While Trent was speaking with Mrs. Osaka, Jane and Daria were switching classes. "Strange."   
  
commented Daria. "Almost all the girls are absent today."  
  
"And we had a sub in Ms Barch's science class." said Jane. "Could they be connected?"  
  
"Nah." they both decided.  
  
"Hey, girls," said Mac. "Have you seen Jodi? I came to pick her up for school and her   
  
parents said she was gone. They tried to accuse /me/ of running off with her."  
  
"Sorry Mac," said Daria. "We're just as mystefied as you are."  
  
"I'm worried." said Mac. "She doesn't pull stunts like this." The warning bell rang. Daria   
  
went to her history class. Jane went to her math class.  
  
While she was in Mr. DiMartino's history class, Daria's pager vibrated. She took a look.  
  
/EMERGENCY. COME OUTSIDE-TL/  
  
"Mr. DiMartino," she said. "May I be excused? Formidable Four business."  
  
"WELL, Daria," he said, right eye bulging. "If you really THINK being a SUPERHERO is more   
  
IMPORTANT than learning about the HORROR that was the VIETNAM WAR then by all means, go right AHEAD!"  
  
"Thanks for understanding." Daria got up and left.  
  
Daria met up with Jane in the hall. "You got Trent's message, too?" Jane asked.  
  
"I wonder what the emergency is." Daria said.  
  
"Hell, maybe he just wants to ask us out for pizza."  
  
"Fat chance, Jane."  
  
Trent explained everything on the way to the dojo. A small, neat Japanese woman was waiting   
  
outside. "Hi, Mrs. Osaka." said Trent. "Hope I didn't take to long."  
  
"The door is open." she said. "Kenji did not lock up last night."  
  
They went inside to look for clues. They did not have to look long. A note was pinned to   
  
the wall with a shurikin. It read "If you want to see Osaka alive again come to the abandoned   
  
bra factory on Anthony Blvd. Do not involve the police. -- The Man Hater"  
  
"Oh yeah." said Jane. "This has 'trap' written all over it."  
  
"But what choice do we have?" said Daria. "We can't leave Kenji to someone called Man Hater."  
  
"Any guesses who Man Hater is?" Jane asked.  
  
"Hitler." Trent offered. Everyone stared at him. "What? It's always Hitler." he shrugged.   
  
"Sounds a lot like Ms Barch to me." said Daria.  
  
"Who?" asked Trent.  
  
"Our science teacher." said Jane. "Her husband walked out on her some years ago and she's   
  
hated men ever since."  
  
"Mrs. Waters!" said Jesse. "Trent, you remember Mrs. Waters, right?"  
  
"Oh, yeah. Always bitching about her husband. Went into over drive when he wised up and   
  
left her. When the divorce was final in our senior year she went back to her maiden name, Barch."  
  
"Dude, remember the empathy bellies she made us wear?"  
  
"I'm trying to forget."  
  
"You guys gotta tell us this story later." said Jane. "Right now, we've gotta go save Kenji."  
  
The Formidible Four arrived at the abandoned bra factory. The interior was dark, with   
  
industrial sewing machines looming in the shadows. They hadn't been there long when four ninjas   
  
in black lept from the rafters. Daria recognized one who had two blonde pigtails poking out of   
  
her hood.  
  
"We have come for Kenji Osaka." Trent said, getting into fighting stance.  
  
"You will die, you worthless pig of a man!" said one of the ninjas.  
  
Jane recognized the voice. "Omigod! Jodi?"  
  
"You. Will. Join. Us." said Tiffany.  
  
"Let's get 'em, Angie!" said Brittany.  
  
The fight started. "They've been brain washed." said Jane. "Don't hurt them- much." She encircled   
  
Brittany with a tight ring of fire. Brittany did a flatfooted leap in the air, did a backflip   
  
followed by a handspring. Cheerleaders aren't that agile. Jane thought. Kenji is the only   
  
person I've seen do that.  
  
Trent had his hands full fighting off a savage Tiffany while Jesse deflected Jodi's shurikin.   
  
"Little help, here?" Trent asked.  
  
"Dude, I can't hit a girl!" said Jesse.  
  
"Jesse, chivalry is dead."As if to demonstate, he performed a perfect sweep kick. Tiffany   
  
effortlessly hopped back on her feet, ready to fight.  
  
"You. Will. Pay. For. That."  
  
"What's this about not hitting girls?" Jodi demanded of Jesse. "You think you're better   
  
than us?" She tried to chop at his neck. He caught her by the arm. He put her in a restraint   
  
hold and picked her up. He carried her kicking and screaming to a supply closet. He locked her   
  
in, barricading the door with one of the half ton machines.  
  
Angie went after Jane with a fire extinguisher. Coated in a thick foam, Jane found her   
  
powers to be useless. She tried to fight the girl hand to hand but found Angie to be strangly   
  
superior. Angie struck Jane with the extinguisher, causing her to black out.  
  
Daria found her invisivility not as an effective advantage as usual. She was constantly   
  
being flipped over on her back. I don't understand. she thought. Kenji is the only one who's   
  
been able to take me on while invisible. Suddenly, Daria felt as if she were being electrocuted.   
  
The sensation faded. She looked over at Trent and Jesse. And burned with hatred towards them.  
  
Trent felt someone trying to grab him from behind. He did the flip Kenji had taught him.   
  
To his surprise, he saw no one fall in front of him. A hard punch landed on his jaw.  
  
"Ow! Daria?"  
  
"Shut up you scum-sucking man!"  
  
"Have you forgotten who's side you're on?"  
  
An evil laugh came from the rafters. Ms Barch lept down, dressed in her ninja attire. She   
  
had a ray gun in one hand, a bottle of seltzer in the other. "May I introduce my Hate Ray 4.0."   
  
she said. "More portable than the one I used on these girls, the ray will still cause females to   
  
have a seething hatred for anything male. Observe." She fired a ray at the prostrate Jane while   
  
spraying off the foam with the seltzer. Jane woke sputtering. She glared at Jesse and Trent.  
  
"Alright! Which of you creeps squirted me?"  
  
"We didn't." said Jesse. "It was..."  
  
"Oh, that's so typical of a man." Jane cutted in. "Blame someone else for your mistakes.   
  
Know what I have to say to that? FLAME ON!" She threw a fireball at them.  
  
They both ducked. "Janey," said Trent. "Calm down, I'm your brother."  
  
"You're gonna be my dead brother in half a minute!"  
  
"Dude, we better retreat." said Jesse.  
  
"I won't leave them like this!" said Trent.  
  
"You can run like the little cowards you are." said Ms Barch. "Or you can fight me, a slew   
  
of girls with the same fighting skills as Osaka and your teammates. All the same to me."  
  
Trent and Jesse took their leave. "What we do now, kimo sabe?" Jesse asked in the car.  
  
"I'm not leaving the girls with that bitch." Trent answered. "No way in Hell."  
  
"They all fought exactly the same way Kenji does." Jesse observed.  
  
"Man Hater might have gotten Kenji to train them, but that good? Over night?"  
  
"If she has a ray that makes girls hate guys, no telling what she has."  
  
"We'll come back tonight. We'll find her secret lab and see if we can find an antidote."  
  
"Cool."  
  
The day passed to slowly. Mrs. Osaka was told what happened and what the plan was. She was   
  
worried, but trusted their judgment. The evening news was all about a bunch of girls who had seemed to   
  
vanish that morning. As soon as the sun set, Trent and Jesse were in rescue mode.  
  
They returned to the abandoned factory. "The window at the top floor is open." said Trent.   
  
"I can stretch up that high. You can use me as a rope and climb up."  
  
Jesse went with Trent's plan, half expecting Liberace to pop out of a window at every step.   
  
They found themselves in Ms Barch's chemestry lab. It was full of beakers, tubes and the like.   
  
A hamster cage sat in a corner with its fluffy tennant. Jesse tried to pet the hamster and nearly got   
  
his finger bitten off. "Must be female." he decided. "Trent,which of these do you think is the   
  
antidote?"  
  
"Well, just a guess, but I'd say that jar that has 'antidote' written on the label." Sure   
  
enough, there was a jar on a cabinet with such a label.  
  
"Cool. Get it, Stretch."   
  
Trent had just grabbed the jar when one of the ninjas from before bursted in, brandishing a   
  
kendo stick. "Who's there?" she yelled. "You!" she pointed the kendo at Jesse. "You clobbered me   
  
from behind and stuck me in a closet, you, you MAN you!" She rushed him. Jesse dodged   
  
and took up a broom lying on the floor. He sparred with the girl until he could manuver himself   
  
behind her. He pinned her arms to her side and picked her up. "Let me go!" she screamed. Trent   
  
removed her hood. Long black dreadlocks spilled out. The girl's eyes burned with hate. Trent   
  
took a capsule out of the jar and popped it in her mouth. Jesse rubbed her throat, forcing her   
  
to swallow. Her body went limp. Jesse put her back on her feet. The hatred was gone from her eyes,   
  
she no longer seemed dangerous.  
  
"Who- who are you?" she asked. "What happened?"  
  
"You don't hate us?" asked Trent.  
  
"How could I?" she asked. "I don't even know you. My name is Jodi, Jodi Landon. Oh, wait,   
  
I recognize you from the paper. You're Sir Stretchalot and Hercules- the other members of the   
  
Formidable Four along with Jane and Daria. Let's see, last thing I can clearly remember is doing   
  
homework in my room when someone grabbed me."  
  
"Can you remember anything else?" asked Jesse.  
  
"Like what happened to Jane and Daria?" Trent prompted. "Or Kenji Osaka?"  
  
"Osaka," said Jodi. "Japanese man in a karate gi? Barch has him strapped to a chair in a   
  
room down the hall. He's attatched to a learning accelerator. That's how we learned to fight so   
  
quickly."  
  
"And the girls?"   
  
Jodi had to think a moment. "Jane and I were left here on guard duty. The rest went to   
  
kidnap other girls. I remember now, Daria said she was going after her sister."  
  
Jodi led them to where Kenji was being held. The man had no strength left and flopped over   
  
like a ragdoll when released from the chair. Jesse got to work destroying the machines. "Jodi,"   
  
said Trent. "I want you to take Kenji home. He'll tell you where he lives."  
  
"No," Kenji weakly protested. "I want to fight."  
  
"Kenji-sempai, you can barely stand. Jodi, take some of these pills in case you meet the   
  
other ninjas." Jodi led Kenji away. "Jesse, take some of these pills," he gave him a handfull,   
  
"and find Jane. I'll take the rest and find Daria."  
  
"Cool."  
  
As soon as Trent left, Jesse started searching for Jane. He went downstairs to the warehouse area.   
  
"Back for more, you spineless excuse for a human being?" called Jane. She was hovering near the   
  
ceiling, in her flame form. Jesse got a brilliant idea.  
  
"You're not so great, Jane! If you were, you'd turn your flames off and fight me hand to hand!"  
  
"Oh yeah?" Jane descended. "Flame off!" She made a grab for him. He grabbed her insted and   
  
held her over his head. "No fair! If I can't use my flames you can't.." Jesse stuffed a capsule   
  
in her mouth. She went limp. "Jesse, what, What have I done? I-I attacked you, and Trent."  
  
"Water under the bridge." he said. "Man Hater and the other ninjas went to get more girls."   
  
He handed her some of the pills. "This is the antidote for the Hate Ray. We'll be ready when they   
  
come back."  
  
Meanwhile, Daria had gone to her house and was attempting to wake up Quinn. "Mmph, Daria,"   
  
Quinn mumbled. "Whaddya want? I need my beauty sleep."  
  
"Quinn, you have to come with me." Daria said.  
  
"And why would I go anywhere with you? I swear, Daria, ever since you started this Formfitting   
  
Four or whatever you've started to think you're special or something."  
  
"The Formidable Four is no more. I couldn't stand another minute with those moronic men.   
  
Look, Ms Barch has started another superhero team and we all want you to join."  
  
"I'm sorry Daria, my hearing must be going. It just sounded like you said you wanted me to   
  
join your superhero team. You know how Mom and Dad feel about this whole crimefighting thing."  
  
"They're part of the problem, Jake especially. We're the solution."  
  
"Daria, you're scaring me."  
  
"Everything will be clear once I get you to Ms Barch's hideout." She grabbed Quinn's hand.  
  
"Wait! Let me at least brush my hair first!" Just then, Trent hoisted himself through the   
  
window. "Eek!" cried Quinn, wrapping a comforter around herself. "Can't you see I'm in my jammies?"  
  
"Yeah, I didn't know Hillfigger made sleepwear." he replied.  
  
"Out of our way, you disgusting MAN!" said Daria.  
  
"You'll feel very different in a minute, Daria." he said, getting out a capsule.  
  
"We'll see about that!" She went invisible and lashed out at Trent. Trent focused as Kenji   
  
taught him. Daria kicked him. He grabbed her foot. After a brief struggle, he found an empty   
  
Doc Martin in his hand. The other boot flew out of nowhere. "I fight better barefoot anyway."   
  
said Daria.  
  
Trent made his way to Quinn's vanity. He picked up a bottle of lotion and began squirting   
  
it in every direction. "No!" yelled Quinn. "I need that to keep my pores cute and tiny!" Trent   
  
ignored Quinn's pleas and kept squirting untill a line of it seemed to rest on thin air. That's   
  
where Daria was.  
  
"Big honkin' deal!" said Daria. A green jacket and yellow shirt hit the floor. A fist struck   
  
Trent's shoulder. He managed to grab it and restain it behind what he hoped was her back. "Let   
  
go of me you pervert!" Daria yelled. Trent groped her face until he found her mouth. He nearly   
  
got bitten, but he managed to force the capsule into her mouth. Daria went limp and reappeared.   
  
Trent let her go. Daria suddenly realized she was wearing only a bra and jeans, and Trent was   
  
in the room. With an "Eep!" she took Quinn's comforter away and tried to cover up. "Omigod, what   
  
just happened?" Daria asked.  
  
"Everything's fine now." said Trent. "Man Hater hit you with a ray that caused you to hate   
  
all men. Jesse and I found an antidote. C'mon, we gotta help the other girls."  
  
"Umm, could I put on some clothes first?"  
  
"Yeah, sure." Daria went to her room to put on a shirt.  
  
"Why can't I just have a normal family?!" wailed Quinn.  
  
In the car, Daria felt like she had some appologizing to do. "Trent, I'm sorry I called   
  
you a scum-sucking man and any other insults."  
  
"Forget about it." he said.  
  
"I'm also sorry I attacked you."  
  
"It wasn't your fault."  
  
"I'm also very, very sorry you had to see me topless."  
  
"Please, don't ever appologize for that."  
  
Back at the factory, Jesse and Jane laid in wait for Man Hater or her ninjas. Brittany and   
  
Angie came in, dragging a very angry girl. "Let me go now!" she demanded. "You better not have hurt my father!"  
  
"That's Mima." Jane whispered. "Kenji's daughter." They revealed themselves. "Let her go!"   
  
Jane demanded. Brittany let go.  
  
"You can't take us both!" said Brittany. Mima elbowed Angie in the throat and karate chopped   
  
Brittany's neck. Jesse and Jane stood in amazment. For once, a citizen who could defend herself.  
  
"They are very skillful." said Mima. "As skillful as my father. But they are very, very stupid."   
  
Jesse administered capsuls to the unconscous cheerleaders. "Have you found my father?"  
  
"Jodi took him home. You might want to go there."  
  
"No." said Mima. "I came to help."  
  
Jesse and Jane shared a look and shrugged. Mima may have looked like a cute Asian teenager,   
  
but she could pack a punch. Tiffany came in later with Stacy willingly following.  
  
"Gee, I don't know, Tiffany." she was saying. "It feels weird going to a party so soon after-you   
  
know- what happened to Sandi." Stacy looked like she was fighting tears over the thought.  
  
"It. Will. Be. Fuuuun." Tiffany assured her.  
  
Jane, Jesse and Mima made short work of Tiffany. At the onset of the ambush, Stacy ran   
  
screaming into the night. Jane dosed Tiffany with one of the capsules.  
  
"Whaat's. Going. On?" she asked.  
  
"Yup, back to normal." said Jane.  
  
Tiffany noticed Angie and Brittany piled up in a corner. "Are. They. Sleeping?" she asked.  
  
"Uh, yeah." said Jane. "Why don't you join them?"  
  
"O.K. Night-night." Tiffany laid next to them and dozed off.  
  
Trent and Daria arrived. "You guys missed one heckova party." said Jane.  
  
"Invite us next time." said Daria.  
  
Man Hater entered with Andrea and Brooke in tow. "What the hell!" she yelled when she   
  
saw the sight. "Girls! ATTACK!!!"  
  
"Not today, Man Hater!" said Jane. "Flame on!" She volleyed a fireball at her. Man Hater   
  
bounded out of the way. Jane freed the captives after dosing them with the capsules. An invisible   
  
fist struck Man Hater. She went for her Hate Ray. Mima kicked it out of her hand. Jesse took up   
  
the metal gun and crumpled it up in one fist. He picked up the protesting Man Hater and put her   
  
in an airplane spin. He tossed her to Trent, who tied her up in his elastic arms.  
  
They took Man Hater to the police station where she was booked for assault and kidnapping.   
  
"And I would've gotten away with it." she said. "If it hadn't been for you meddling kids!"  
  
"I can't believe she just said that." said Daria.  
  
"C'mon." said Jesse. "I wanna take Nibbles home with me."  
  
"Nibbles?" asked Jane.  
  
"There was a hamster upstairs. I brought her cage down to the car after dropping one of   
  
the pills in her food bowl. She doesn't bite anymore."  
  
"So, how come you call her Nibbles?" Jane asked.  
  
"Well, it's not the first time I made friends with someone who bit me."  
  
"Who was?"  
  
"Well- it was you."  
  
"I never bit you!" Jane protested. "Did I?" She looked at Trent, who smiled knowingly.  
  
"And you tried to take my firetruck." Jesse reproachfully added.  
  
"I did not!"  
  
"Oh, this should be an entertaining story." said Daria.  
  
"Jesse and I were 5." said Trent. "We were in the kitchen, playing with some toy cars when   
  
Janey crawled in and grabbed Jesse's firetruck. When he tried to take it back, she chomped down   
  
on his arm."  
  
"Well, he should learn to share!" said Jane. A laugh was had by all.   
  
IN THE NEXT ISSUE OF THE FORMIDABLE FOUR:  
  
"You wanna talk about my girlfriend's ass some more, bitchlet?"  
  
"Pretty good, even if you do taste like Cherry Coke."  
  
"That reminds me, you owe me a shirt."  
  
"Now that you've declared vengeance and became a wicked-cool super villian, I was wondering   
  
if you need a sidekick."  
  
"What's wrong with the V word? I'm the V word."  
  
"...we /will/ wear the same pair of pants two days in a row."  
  
"Never thought I'd come back to this hellhole."  
  
(A/N) "Mr. Roboto" is property of Styx, thank you very much. The OCs I promised are Kenji Osaka   
  
and his family. In case you haven't noticed, I don't do accents. Mima Was brought from Japan to   
  
America when she was 5, so she barely has an accent any way. She wears her black hair to  
  
just past her chin where it flips up slightly. She wears a middy blouse and blue pedal pushers.   
  
Mima has been trained in martial arts since she could walk so she's very graceful and confident.   
  
She's usually a nice girl, unless she's ticked off. I may put her in another story.  
  
In this story I described Jesse's bedroom. He's the only one of the four who's room has not  
  
been shown on the series. My explanation is he has a lot of problems at home so he comes to the   
  
Lane house a lot to get away from them. I pictured his room as not neat and not messy, but   
  
somewhere in between. I gave him an interesting hobby, collecting rock posters. Jesse looks like  
  
he works out, so I put a weight bench in his room too. Now that he has super strength, weight   
  
lifting has lost it's challenge for him. He'll use the weight bench to hold his new pet's cage.  
  
Man Hater was based on the FF character Hate Monger. Who in one issue /did/ turn out to be  
  
Hitler in disguise! He used a hate ray to make The members of the Fantastic Four hate each other.  
  
So don't blame me if you thought that part of the story was lame. :P  
  
If you're wondering, I didn't pluralize the words gi and shurikin for a reason. The Japanese  
  
language has no plural forms. You can have one kimono, two kimono or a closet full of kimono.  
  
So, properly, a Japanese word will never be used in plural. (Shurikin, BTW, are better known as  
  
'throwing stars'.) 


	5. The Birth Of QB Doom

Fanfiction Four V: The Birth of Q.B. Doom  
  
In your world, Lawndale High was visited by former alumni Tommy Sherman. A former star   
  
quarter back for the Lawndale Lions, he was given the undeserved honor of a goalpost named for   
  
him. In a twist of fate, the goalpost fell on him, killing him. A tree was planted in his memory.   
  
In the reality where the Formidable Four existed, the story ended quite differently.  
  
Everything was the same untill Sherman began insulting Daria in the hallway.  
  
"You know what you are?" he said. "You're just a misery chick. You don't want everyone to   
  
know what a loser you are!"  
  
"You watch what you say to them!" said Jodi.  
  
"And why should I?" asked Sherman.  
  
"Don't you watch the news? They're Phantom and Flamin' Jane of the Formidable Four! They're   
  
/real/ heroes, unlike some people who pretend to be."  
  
"Aw, you wouldn't know a hero if one bit you on your big black ass! Fuck you all. I'm going   
  
to go have a look at /my/ goalpost."  
  
Jodi's eyes flashed in a way they hadn't since she was under Man Hater's power. "I'd like   
  
to kill that bastard for that 'black ass' remark." she said.  
  
"I'll help." Jane offered, lighting the tip of her finger.  
  
"Just tell Mac." said Daria. "He'll take care of him."  
  
"Yeah. By the way, thanks for saving me from Ms Barch."  
  
"That was the guy's doing." Daria admitted. "I'll be sure to tell them you appreciated it."  
  
Meanwhile, "the guys" were sitting outside on the bleachers.   
  
"Kinda weird, huh?" Trent asked Jesse. "Never thought I'd come back to this hellhole."  
  
"Yeah." Jesse agreed.  
  
"Good thing Kenji's back to his old strength. Can't keep a good sensai down, huh?"  
  
"Guess not."  
  
"Think the girls'll want pizza or milkshakes after school?"  
  
"Yeah, cool."  
  
"Something bothering you, Jess?" While normally taciturn around most people, Jesse usually   
  
had more than two words at a time for his best friend. And silent as he was, Jesse usually listened.  
  
Jesse sighed "I dunno. This place brings back a lot of memories- memories I'd just as soon forget."  
  
"Hey, there were good memories. Remember that forge-uh-handwriting replication business you   
  
had going? For kids whose parents were never around to sign report cards and permission slips."  
  
"You were my best customer."  
  
"You gave me a discount for finding clients. And then there were the poker games we had on the   
  
roof during gym class. Man, you cleaned up there, to."  
  
"That reminds me, you owe me a shirt." They had a laugh over their private joke.  
  
"Hey," said Trent. "Remember the time we all went into the woods looking for a dead body?"  
  
"Um, we never did that."  
  
"Oh yeah, that was a movie. I forgot." The two laughed.  
  
"I'm still trying to forget Tommy Sherman." Jesse said. "It's his fault we missed graduation."  
  
"Ah, graduation ceremonies are pretty empty gestures anyway."  
  
"And- we all know what he did later that night."  
  
"No, Jesse, we don't. Probably no one will ever know. All we know is a jury of 12 found him   
  
innocent. That's what they call justice, I guess."  
  
"Candy didn't get justice."  
  
"Whoa, speak of the devil."said Trent. Tommy Sherman swaggered onto the field.  
  
"Well, well." he said. "If it isn't the long-haired stuttering fag and his freaky boyfriend!"  
  
"Go fuck yourself, Sherman." said Trent.  
  
"I hear you fag boys think you're heroes now. Yeah, you're nothin' but a pair of punk losers!   
  
I don't see your goalpost. Plus, they tell me you hang around the misery chick and that artsy-fartsy   
  
girl who would look good if she had tits."  
  
"You better watch your damn mouth!" Trent started to get up.  
  
"Cool it, dude." Jesse whispered.  
  
"I'll say what I want 'cuz I'm Tommy Sherman! And Tommy Sherman says what he wants and there   
  
ain't a damn thing you can do about it! I am the best there ever was and ever will be!" The wind   
  
started to pick up. "Someday, after you two faggots get married you can tell your adopted kids you   
  
knew me when!" The goalpost swayed in the wind. "You can tell 'em 'Tommy Sherman was the greatest   
  
hero any gridiron ever knew.' but, you guys were to wimpy for football, so you wouldn't understand."  
  
"Uh, dude, the goalpost..." Trent started to warn him.  
  
"Yes! My goalpost! A fitting tribute to my prowess on the field!" He didn't notice his "tribute"   
  
was swaying precariously in the wind.  
  
"Listen, it's gonna..."  
  
"Quiet, worm! I'm in my moment!"  
  
"WATCH OUT!" Trent advised, as he stretched his arms out to shove Sherman to safety. The goalpost   
  
fell to the ground with a crash. A crowd soon gathered.  
  
"Omigod the goalpost fell down!" someone yelled.  
  
"Is Tommy Sherman OK?" asked Kevin.  
  
"He's fine." someone said. "I saw the whole thing. Sir Stretchalot saved him!"  
  
Some football players tried to help Sherman get up. "Leame alone!" he said, oblivious to a trickle   
  
of blood issuing from his mouth. " I can get up by mythelf."  
  
"Wha-what did you say?'' a player asked as Trent and Jesse came down to the field.  
  
"I thaid I can get up by mythelf! Are you deaf or jutht thtupid?" Sherman realized what he   
  
was saying. He tasted blood in his mouth. "My tooth!" he cried. "He knocked out my tooth and now I'm lithping   
  
like a goddam fag!"  
  
"I'll find it!" Kevin started searching the grass.  
  
"Thith ith all your fault, Lane! You'll pay for thith!"  
  
"Why? Don't you have dental insurance?" Some of Daria's wit had rubbed off on Trent.  
  
"Hey, Sherman." said Jesse. "Remember when you made fun of me for stuttering? In case you   
  
haven't noticed, I don't do it anymore. You have a lisp. How does it feel?"  
  
"I thuppothe you wanna kick my ath now."  
  
"You know, I /could/ crush your skull like an eggshell if I wanted to. But I won't. Know why?"  
  
"All thethe witnetheth?"  
  
"Uh-yeah. And because I'm not like you." Jesse turned and walked away.  
  
"That won't stop me from kicking your ass!" said Mac, taking Sherman by the collar. "You   
  
wanna talk about my girlfriend's ass some more, bitchlet?"  
  
"I can't find the tooth!" said Kevin. "Dammit, Stretchabunch, why'd you knock out Tommy Sherman's tooth!?"  
  
"He would've died if I didn't push him." said Trent.  
  
Mac slammed Sherman in the nads. The great former quarter back went down sqealing like a pig.  
  
"You will all pay for thith!" Sherman sqeaked.   
  
Hours later, as the sun was setting, Jesse returned to the football field. The goalpost was   
  
still down. He decided he might as well put it back. He hefted up the steel post and positioned   
  
it back into place. A familiar firey figure alighted in front of him. "Trent said you'd be here."   
  
Jane said, turning off her flames.   
  
"Yeah." he said, trying to shift the wobbly post into place.  
  
"You hold it steady." said Jane. "I'll tamp down the earth." Together, they replaced the   
  
goalpost. "I heard about the altercation with Tommy Sherman. You said he used to make fun of you   
  
for stuttering?"  
  
"Yeah." Jesse started to walk away. This wasn't something he wanted to talk about.  
  
"Is that why you hardly ever speak?" Jane asked, walking along side of him. "Because some   
  
jerkwad made fun of you when you were a kid?"  
  
"All through grade school, all through high school." he said.  
  
"Jesse, you don't stammer. I don't even remember you stammering."   
  
"It started when I was 10. The school made me go to speech therapy." He sighed. "And right   
  
after I got over the stutter-well-my voice cracked."  
  
"But, you have a beautiful voice now."  
  
"You really think so?"  
  
"You mean you haven't noticed?"  
  
"People usually have no clue what their voice really sounds like." He sat down on a bleacher   
  
and looked at the setting sun. Jane sat next to him. For once, she wasn't bothered by his silence.   
  
She finally decided she should say something.  
  
"So, you don't speak because you think someone will make fun of you?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Jesse, I for one would never make fun of you. Friends don't do that."  
  
What if I say something dumb, or make you angry?"  
  
"Give yourself a little credit, Jesse. And give me some while you're at it. I don't get angry   
  
over little things and you're not dumb. Because you don't speak much, a lot of people think you're   
  
stupid. I'll admit, I used to, not anymore. A stupid person wouldn't know how to talk me into   
  
turning off my flames."  
  
"It's better to be silent and have people think you a fool, than to open your mouth and   
  
remove all doubt."  
  
"Jesse, you know Mark Twain?"  
  
"Trent and I did a project about him in 9th grade. I guess some of it stuck in my head."  
  
"You're not a fool, Jesse." she took his hand. She noticed he was blushing and fidgeted a   
  
little. "What's the matter? You act like you never held hands with a girl before."  
  
"Um-well-a-actually-I-I..." The stammer returned.  
  
"Omigod!" Jane jumped up. "If you've never even held hands with a girl, that means you're a..."  
  
He placed two fingers against her full lips. "Please don't say the V word."  
  
"What's wrong with the V word? I'm the V word."  
  
"That's different. You're younger than me and a girl."  
  
"Hell-oo double standard."  
  
"See? I've already said something dumb."  
  
"Look, Jesse, it's nothing to be ashamed of. If you want to save yourself for marriage, it's   
  
your choice. No one should judge you for it. Yourself least of all."  
  
"Umm..it isn't exactly a choice." Uncomfortable silence.   
  
"Jesse, you could have any girl you wanted. With your looks, that voice..."  
  
"Jane, I don't want just any girl. I want someone special who will like me for who I am. But,   
  
I'm to shy to get any one interested. My looks aren't that great. I only look this way cause I   
  
used to pump iron to relieve stress. Now, I do curls with my Range Rover. And...I kinda look like   
  
my mom. She was beautiful."   
  
Jane noticed the past tense. Now she was tongue tied. "So... pumping iron relives stress,   
  
huh? I do a little jogging myself."  
  
"I had a therapist recomend it. Not a speech therapist."  
  
"You mean the lie on the couch and talk about your crappy childhood kind?"  
  
"Nah, they don't use couches anymore. I've been diagnosed with anhedonia, PTSD, clinical   
  
depression, social anxiety- you name it I got it. My medicine cabinet is full of stuff that has   
  
either an X or a Z in its name. I'm really messed up."  
  
"Jesse, you're not messed up. But, you should probably keep taking the medicine. Maybe you can   
  
talk to a doctor about tapering off, or taking another treatment if you want."  
  
"I don't really want to do electroshock therapy."  
  
"Whatever you decide to do, Jesse, I'll always be there for you." He took her in his arms   
  
and held her for a very long time.   
  
Meanwhile, Daria was at Casa Lane watching Sick, Sad World with Trent.  
  
"Could your pet chihuahua be a rabid sewer rat? Stay tuned to Sick, Sad World."  
  
"Trent," said Daria. "Do you really think Tommy Sherman will do anything?"  
  
"He's been a bully since kindergarten." Trent poured a couple of sodas. "Jesse got it the   
  
worst. Jesse had long hair, wasn't into sports, played music, lifted weights, and didn't jump in bed   
  
with every girl who got near him. In Sherman's book, that made him a fag."  
  
"So..Is he? You know- gay?"  
  
"Nah." Trent had a seat next to her. "He likes girls. He just can't talk to them."  
  
"Can he talk to anyone?"  
  
"That's one of the things he got made fun of for. Jesse- he's been through a lot. When he   
  
was 10, his mom died. Cancer. His dad started drinking and his older brother killed himself. Most   
  
adults couldn't cope with that. How do you think a kid would?"  
  
"I- never knew this."  
  
"Jesse started stuttering. He took speech therapy and I told Sheman and his buddies to leave   
  
him alone. Got suspended from school for giving the punk a black eye." Trent sighed. "Daria, do you   
  
think I did the right thing? Saving Sherman back there?"  
  
"Trent, You're a hero. Because of your powers, some may call you a superhero. That doesn't   
  
make you judge, jury and executioner."  
  
"That does sound like more responsibility than I want. Funny thing is, there was a time when   
  
I thought the bastard otta hang."  
  
"Just for making fun of Jesse?"  
  
"Hear me out. It was graduation time. Jesse and I were debating on whether or not to attend   
  
the graduation ceremony. Neither of us had any family that was going to bother attending and I   
  
thought it was just a long boring ordeal. Then, Candy came up to us."  
  
"Candy?"  
  
"This was her name, I kid you not. She was head cheerleader, and consequently, the QB's   
  
favorite girlfriend. She was dumb as a box of rocks, but very nice. You know the type."  
  
"A little to well." Daria thought of Brittany.  
  
"Well, Candy tells us that Sherman and his goons were going to play a cruel prank on Jesse at   
  
the ceremony. They were all going to chant 'faggot' as he walked on stage. Candy said she thought   
  
this was just too mean and that we shouldn't tell anyone she talked to us. Jesse decided he wasn't   
  
going to graduation. I wasn't going if he wasn't, so we decided we'd just have pizza and videos   
  
at my house. A day later, Candy was declared missing. Her mother said she went to a graduation party   
  
with Sherman and never came back. Kids at the party said they had a fight and Candy walked out.   
  
Sherman left about an hour later. Candy's body was found a month later, lying in a ditch just outside   
  
town. By then, they had to identify her by her dental records. Tommy Sherman was suspect number one."  
  
"Let me guess, the trial was a mini-OJ."  
  
"More or less. He had motive, means and opportunity. But, his dad hired a big-shot lawyer   
  
to get him off. Liberty and Justice for the rich, man." He sighed. "But, all I have to go on is   
  
hunches."   
  
"And Jesse just walked away without going medival on him?"  
  
"Jesse's more complex than he seems. I think having superpowers might bring him out of his   
  
shell a little. But, he's never going to be a chatterbox. He said once that he was never hurt by   
  
anything he didn't say."  
  
"Do you believe that, Trent?"  
  
"I don't know. There was a song lyric that goes 'You say it best when you say nothing at all.'   
  
But, there are times when something has to be said."  
  
"In that vein, Trent, there's something I've always wanted to say. Trent, I've -I..."  
  
"Go on."  
  
"I've always liked you. A lot. Your the first guy I've ever met who didn't treat me like   
  
swamp slime. You actually listen to me. You make me feel good about myself. Not many people can do that."  
  
"Would you believe I feel the same way about you? But..."  
  
"I knew a but was coming."  
  
"I know you're very mature for your age, but I don't wanna get slapped with fooling around   
  
with a minor charges. Hell, I could get arrested for doing what we're doing now."  
  
"Talking?"  
  
"Alone. On the couch. In my house. And your parents. Excuse me for saying so, but your dad   
  
seems a little clueless. Your mom, however, scares me."  
  
"I'm already rebelling against them by being the Phantom, so what the Hell?''  
  
"Yeah, what the Hell." They shared their first kiss.  
  
"Pretty good." she said. "Even if you do taste like Cherry Coke."  
  
Meanwhile, in an apartment downtown, Shermen was heating a football helmet in the oven. He   
  
took it out and placed it on his head, melding metal to flesh. With the acrid stench of searing   
  
skin, Tommy Sherman died and QB Doom was born.  
  
The doorbell buzzed.  
  
"Who dareth dithturb the thanctum of QB Doom?" he asked, opening the door. It was Kevin Thompson.  
  
"Hi Tommy!" he said cheerfully. "Now that you've declared vengeance and become a wicked-cool   
  
super villian, I was wondering if you needed a sidekick."  
  
"QB Doom has no uthe for a thimpering thidekick! Be gone!"  
  
"Aw, c'mon! Please let me be your sidekick? I'll do whatever you tell me to do."   
  
"Hmm...anything?"  
  
"Sure dude!"  
  
"I want you to thteal a thample of the mithery chick'th handwriting."  
  
"Who's that?"  
  
"The mithery chick. Ugly girl, Coke bottle glatheth, mouthy hair, no titth. Black girl called   
  
her Phantom or thomething."  
  
"Oh, you mean Daria!"  
  
"Yeth, tomorrow, you mutht thteal a thample of her handwriting."  
  
"What's a thample?"  
  
"A thample, you thimplton! Thomething the wrote on that I can copy from!"  
  
"Oh! A sample!"  
  
"Thatth what I thaid!"  
  
"Um...how?"  
  
"Do I have to do all the thinking for you? Yeth, I thuppothe I do. Tell one of the teacherth   
  
that you wanna help grade paperth for extra credit. They fall for that thit all the time! When   
  
you thee thomething with Daria'th name on it, bring it to me."  
  
"You got it dude! Hey, can you say 'Sufferin Succotash'?"  
  
"No."  
  
The next day at school there was a test on /The Scarlet Letter/ in English class. At the   
  
sound of the bell, the students turned in their papers and left. Only Kevin lingered.  
  
"Hey, Mr. O'Neil, could I help you grade the papers? You know, for extra credit and stuff."  
  
"Oh, Kevin! I'm so happy that you've finally taken an interest in your grades! Of course you   
  
may help me." He opened the teacher's edition. "Here are the answers. This card will show you how   
  
to grade the papers. And, try to be objective when you get to the essay section. I'm going out for coffee."  
  
As soon as he was gone Kevin riffled through the papers untill he found one with "Daria Morgendorfer"   
  
at the top. This is just what QB Doom wants! he thought.   
  
The next day was Saturday. Trent woke up and went downstairs to grab something to eat. Damn,   
  
no milk. he thought, looking in the refridgerator. Guess I'm having my coffee black. He munched   
  
on a granola bar and slurped his coffee. Wonder if the incident with Sherman and the goalpost   
  
made the paper. he thought. Janey would like it for her scrapbook. He went out and grabbed the   
  
paper. On the way back in he noticed a note pinned to the door in Daria's handwriting.  
  
/Trent, meet me at the park at two and come alone. It's very important.--Daria./  
  
What was so important she couldn't tell him over the phone? Or simply come over. He would've   
  
woken up, eventually. He looked over at the clock. It was 1:30. I'd better get dressed and go, he   
  
decided. He looked at his nearly empty closet. Damn, forgot to do my laundry again. he thought.   
  
I'll just wear the jeans from yesterday and- this shirt smells clean enough.   
  
Just before he left, Trent decided to leave a note for Jane. Daria said come alone, but she   
  
wouldn't object to Jane knowing where they were. /Janey, went to the park with Daria. We may be   
  
gone awhile.--Trent. PS, we're out of milk./ He stuck it to the fridge with a magnet.  
  
Trent got in his car and drove to the park. What does she want? he wondered. I hope she   
  
hasn't changed her mind about us. Maybe she just wants us to spend some time alone. Yeah, that's it.   
  
At the park Trent looked for Daria. That's funny, usually I'm the one who's late. He followed   
  
the path to a secluded area near the pond curtained off by willow trees. This looks like a romantic   
  
spot. He thought. If I were a girl, I'd definitly want to meet my boyfriend here.   
  
"One falth move and I'll thlithe you open!" Trent felt a steel blade poke him in the small   
  
of his back.  
  
"Hello, Sherman." He said without turning around. "Fancy meeting you here."  
  
"Thut up! Therman ith dead! I am QB Doom! Make one thound and you're dead!"   
  
QB Doom led Trent to a jeep. Kevin was at the wheel. "Hi, Sir Stretchout!" he said. "Where   
  
we goin', QB Doom?" QB Doom slapped some cuffs on Trent.  
  
"Marineland ith clothed for the winter, ithn't it? Take uth there."  
  
"But, if it's closed...."  
  
"Thut up and drive!"  
  
"You've got a sick way of saying thanks, Sherman. By the way, why are these cuffs fur lined?"  
  
"I borrowed them from Brittany." said Kevin. "They're one of our special toys."  
  
Meanwhile, Daria walked Jane home. "So you and Trent are finally together." said Jane. "Couldn't   
  
happen to a nicer couple. Jesse and I are going out. He's a great guy, he just doesn't believe in himself."  
  
"He can play hacky-sack with a cinder block, but he doesn't believe in himself?"  
  
"And he's smarter than most people give him credit for. Did you know he can speak Spanish too?"  
  
"Does this mean the two of you will start having secret conversations infront of me and Trent?''  
  
"Nah. Funny thing is, Jesse disparages every good thing about himself. He said speaking   
  
Spanish was no biggie cuz he learned it the easy way. His dad's from Spain and spoke Spanish to   
  
him from the time he was a baby. He pretty much learned two languages at once."  
  
"I've heard bilingual kids have good memories."  
  
"Jesse does have a good memory, unfortunatly, it's a double edged sword for him. He has   
  
some memories he'd rather forget. He remembers his dad was a nice guy, untill he started drinking."  
  
They went inside. Jane read the note on the fridge. Daria read it too. "Something's wrong   
  
here." said Daria.  
  
"I'll say." said Jane. "That's the third carton of milk we've gone through this month."  
  
"No, I mean, how can Trent be at the park with me, when I've been with you all morning?"  
  
"Oh." Jane started to worry.  
  
"Maybe he just wants to be alone for a while." Daria suggested.  
  
"No, if he wanted to be alone he'd go to his room or the basement. And he wouldn't lie about it."  
  
Daria saw a note on the counter. The handwriting was familiar. The signature was just too   
  
familiar. She showed it to Jane. "Jane, I did not write that letter."  
  
"Trouble has a way of finding us. Jesse's going to want in on this."  
  
They found Jesse watching /Mystery Science Theater 3000/ at his house, his new pet in hand.   
  
"Trent's been kidnapped?" he asked. "Hold on, Danny and I have just the thing." Danny was in the   
  
study playing Spacequest. "Hey, Danny, get that thing we were playing around with last night."  
  
"Sure, Jesse." Danny went upstairs and brought back what looked like a palm pilot.  
  
"I found this in Man Hater's lab when I went back for Nibbles." Jesse said, stroking the  
  
rodent. "It came with what looked like a bunch of BB pellets. Trent and I showed it to Danny.   
  
Danny, you tell 'em what it is."  
  
"Near as I can figure out," said Danny. "this is a tracking device. The pellets are transmitters.   
  
Last night we taped one to Nibbles and let her go. We found her in 2 minutes. Then it was time for  
  
large scale human experimentation. Trent and my brother helped me there. Trent put one of the transmitters   
  
in his pocket and wandered away for an hour. With the help af this meter and driving in Jesse's   
  
Range Rover we found him in 30 minutes. We can only hope Trent still has the transmitter."  
  
"He's probably changed clothes by now." said Daria.  
  
"Don't be so sure." said Jane. "Trent hates doing laundry."  
  
"You mean he'd....that's disgusting!"  
  
"A couple of things you need to learn about us guys, Daria." said Danny. "One, we own the   
  
remote control. Two, we /will/ wear the same pair of pants two days in a row."   
  
Meanwhile, at the marina, Trent's still cuffed hands were behind him, attatched to a crane.   
  
"C'mon, dude," Kevin heckled. "Say it!"  
  
"No." Trent had no intention of entetaining this buffoon.   
  
"C'mon! Say it! Say it!"  
  
"OK, if it'll shut you up." Trent sighed. "You don't expect me to talk, do you?"  
  
"No, Mr. Lane! I expect you to die!"  
  
"Dude, what's that thing behind you?"  
  
"Where?" As Kevin turned around, Trent stretched one of his fingers. Novelty handcuffs   
  
wouldn't depend on a key. To many embarrassing situations. If he could just find the catch....  
  
Trent felt somethig wrap around his neck, followed by a severe electric shock that left his   
  
brain buzzing. "A little toy I picked up in Japan." said QB Doom. "They call it a pathifier. Cute   
  
name. Try and uthe your thtretch powerth again and you'll get another body freezing thock. Your   
  
demithe ith iminent, Lane. Thith crane will hoitht you into the air and directly above that pool.   
  
At my comand, Kevin here will relesthe theven man-eating tharkth. You're fith food, Lane!"  
  
"I shoulda left you to die on that field." Trent said ruefully. "No, wait. If I did, people   
  
would say you died a hero. You would've been worshipped even after death. People aren't all that   
  
stupid. Everyone knows what a son of a bitch you are now."  
  
"Any latht requetht?"  
  
"Yeah. Tell me, Tommy, did you do it? You know what I'm talking about."  
  
"Oh, with Candy, you mean. Thinth you are about to die, I will tell you. Yeth! I killed her!   
  
I had to. The had no buithneth talking to you or Jethe, let alone thpilling the beanth on the greatetht   
  
prank Lawndale would ever thee. At the party, the called me a 'meanie' and thaid the never   
  
wanted to thee me again. Right in front of everybody! I couldn't let her get away with that. Tho,   
  
I drank thome liquid courage, got in my car and thtarted driving untill I found her. I told her   
  
I wath thorry and wanted to drive her home. Inthtead, I took her out to the boondockth, dragged   
  
her out of the car and thlit her throat! No one humiliateth QB Doom! NO ONE!!"  
  
"You are a sick, murdering bastard."  
  
"Yeth, I know." He got in the crane and started pulling levers.  
  
"Where the hell is Batman when you need him?" Trent mused.   
  
Help was on its way. Jesse was driving his Range Rover. Danny was in the passenger seat,   
  
reading the tracking device and giving directions. Jane and Daria sat in the back.  
  
"Keep going due East, Jesse." said Danny. Jesse floored the accelerator. "Jesse, I know you   
  
wouldn't let me join Spiral 'cuz I can't play an instrument. But, could I join Formidable Four?   
  
You don't hafta change the name or nothing."  
  
"Danny," said Jesse. "Fighting crime is dangerous and you don't have superpowers."  
  
"I know. But I could be, like, your teckie or something."  
  
"I haven't been spending a lot of time with you, have I?"  
  
"I understand, bro. I just-ya know."  
  
"You can't be that lonely. You've got your on-line buddies, your roll playing group."  
  
"Yeah, but they're not the same. I wanna be with my big brother."  
  
Daria made a "gag me" face. Jane wasn't amused. Right now, she knew exactly what Danny meant.  
  
They passed a sign. /Visit Marineland 5 Miles/. "Hey," said Jesse. "That place closes in the   
  
winter. It would make a great hideout."  
  
"He's approximatly 5 miles to the East." said Danny, checking the receiver. "Step on it!"  
  
Trent's quivering arms started to stretch of their own accord as he dangled 12 feet above   
  
the enormous pool. He thought If I could just stretch my leg over to that..yeargh!! Doom had seen   
  
that and delivered another shock to the choker around his neck. OK, think, Lane. he told   
  
himself. Sherman will shock me if I use my stretch powers. Electricity doesn't mix with water.   
  
Sharks are gonna be biting my ass, and just to top it off, I can't swim very well. I'm screwed.  
  
"Releathe the tharkth!" Kevin pulled the switch. Trent watched seven piscene silhouettes   
  
circle about in the pool below. "Good-bye, Mithter Lane!" He pulled a lever causing Trent to plummet   
  
to the pool below. Trent felt the shock of cold water. He was sinking. The pressure was great.   
  
He hoped he'd drown before the sharks got him. It sounded less painful. No luck, one of the creatures   
  
was speeding towards him.  
  
Next thing Trent knew, he was flying through the air. Am I dead? he wondered. He fell back   
  
into the pool with a great splash. Something that felt vaguely like an inner tube was under him,   
  
casing him to float. He heard sounds that sounded all at once like laughing children, water balloons   
  
being rubbed together and clicking. "You fool!" Doom shouted at Kevin. "I thaid releathe the tharkth,   
  
not the dolphinth!"  
  
"Well," said Kevin. "What's the diff? They're big grey fish with pointy teeth."  
  
Doom slapped a hand to his football helmet and shook his head. "Oh, well," he decided. "I'll   
  
jutht turn hith pathifier to full blatht. We're talking toathter in the bathtub!"  
  
"But," said Kevin. "Won't that kill the dolphins too?"  
  
"I hear they tathte like albecore." Just then, Doom felt as if he had been tackled from   
  
the side. Not as hard as he was used to, but it surprised him enough to drop the controls to the   
  
pacifier. Trent took the opportunity to use his stretch powers to escape his bonds. He pulled   
  
at the choker- it wouldn't come off. Suddenly, he saw Jesse swimming out to him. The dolphins,   
  
thinking him to be a new playmate, greeted him warmly. One allowed Jesse to sit on him as he   
  
tore off the choker and threw it as far as his strength would let him. "Dude, you've got to learn   
  
how to swim." Jesse said, rescuing his friend.  
  
On the sidelines, Daria and Jane were fighting Kevin and QB Doom. Daria loved tormenting   
  
Kevin. "Am I here?" she kicked Kevin in the back of the shins. He yelpped and spun about. "Or am   
  
I here?" She punched him in the kidneys. "Maybe I'm here!" She slapped him back and forth.  
  
"Flame on!" Jane tried surrounding QB Doom with a fire ring. As the ring shrank, Doom lowered   
  
his head and charged the flames. "Fool! I have no fear of your flameth!"  
  
"Oops." An invisible Daria knocked Doom into the pool. The dolphins rushed to their new   
  
playmate and started tossing him around.  
  
"Thtop thith! Thtop thith at onthe!" Everyone, even Kevin, laughed at QB Doom.  
  
Doom managed to escape the dolphins, swam to the sides and ran for it. The Formidable Four   
  
chased him through the park to the helipad. Doom got into one of the choppers and started the motor.  
  
"Until we meet again, Thir Thtretchpantth!" he said before flying away.  
  
"That's Stretchalot!" Trent shouted.   
  
"I didn't know Sherman could fly a helicopter." said Daria.  
  
"He can't." said Jesse.  
  
"I'll get him!" said Jane.  
  
"Forget it, Jane." said Daria. "You may be swift, but you'll never catch up with a helicopter."  
  
They went back to the dolphin tank. Kevin was still waiting. "Where's Tommy?" he asked.  
  
"He got away." said Daria. "You, however, are facing charges of conspiracy to commit murder."  
  
"Forget it." said Trent. "I'm not pressing charges."  
  
"Why?" asked Jesse.  
  
"Look at him. Those vacant eyes, that dopey grin. It would be like sending a puppy to the   
  
pound for wetting your begonias. I just feel sorry for the little moron."  
  
"Alright!" Kevin cheered. "No criminal record for the K-man!"  
  
That night, the Formidable Four (plus one) had dinner at Pizza King. "I just can't believe   
  
it." said Jane  
  
"What?" asked Daria. "Mona always let's us have a free jumbo pizza with sky's the limit   
  
toppings as long as we eat at a window seat. We're the best free advertising she ever had."  
  
"No, I mean, the day was saved by Kevin's stupidity and Trent's slovenliness."  
  
"Alright, I'll do my stinking laundry." said Trent.  
  
"Stinking is right." said Jane.  
  
"Don't forget my little brother." said Jesse, tossling Danny's hair.  
  
"Oh, yeah," said Trent. "Since you two are here, there's something I've wanted to tell you.   
  
I really think one of you guys oughtta call AA about your dad."  
  
"Trent, we've been though this a hundred times." said Jesse.  
  
"Jesse," said Danny. "He's right. I've wanted to do this a long time. I'm for it if you are."  
  
Jesse sighed. "Fine, Trent, I'll do it. But if I have to hold an intervention for my dad,   
  
you have to learn how to swim."  
  
"Consider it done."  
  
A week later, the debris of a crashed helicopter bearing Marineland's logo was found in   
  
Bangor, Maine. QB Doom was nowhere to be found.   
  
(A/N) Does anyone want to read about the intervention or should I skip it? R&R, people.  
  
When Trent said "Oh yeah, that was a movie, I forgot." he was referring to /Stand by Me/.   
  
Get the hint that I like Steven King?  
  
Kevin's taunting of "No, Mr. Lane..." was borrowed from a James Bond movie.  
  
I appologize if anyone was offended by Sherman's use of the word "faggot". Remember, he is   
  
a very offensive person. He came off as rather biggoted in /Misery Chick/. In this fic, I've base him   
  
on Dr. Doom, the greatest enemy of the Fantastic Four. Like Dr. Doom, QB Doom blames a disfiguring   
  
disaster on the man who actually tried to help him.   
  
I introduced Danny to the stories. Since none of the four is an inventor like Reed Richards   
  
I figured they needed a gadgeteer to helpthem out. I've established that he's a computer genius.   
  
He likes all kinds of science and he roll plays on weekends. He's completly clueless about  
  
girls. Yes, he's a nerd. But he's a likable nerd. 


	6. The Intervention

Fanfiction Four VI: The Intervention  
  
Not all of the Formidable Four's tasks called for great feats of superior power. Jesse Moreno's greatest battle was won not with his   
  
muscles, but with his heart. It was the day he took his friend's well-meaning advice and confronted his father.  
  
Jesse's hands shook with nervousness. "I can't do this, I can't do this." he mumbled.  
  
"Yes you can." Jane held his hand.   
  
"He's gonna know something's up when I pick him up from work."  
  
"Mr. Higgens said for this to work we've gotta catch him while he's sober. C'mon, let's drive."  
  
Luis Moreno had been working at the steal refinery for two months since he lost his last job at a construction site for showing up to   
  
work intoxicated. He thought it a little odd that his son had come to pick him up. Luis had planned his customary self-pity session at the local   
  
tavern. Who was this black haired chiquita he brought with him? He introduced her as Jane, his girlfriend. Since when did Jesse have girlfriends?   
  
How old was Jesse again? 19? 20? He wasn't sure.  
  
"You don't have to be here if you don't want to." Trent told Daria.  
  
"You and Jane are going to be here for Jesse and Danny. I might as well make it a full party."  
  
"This isn't a party." Mr. Higgens reminded her. "It's an intervention."  
  
"Here they come." said Danny, looking out the window.  
  
"Who are all these people?" Luis demanded as soon as he stepped in the house.  
  
"Papa," said Jesse. "That's my best friend, Trent Lane, Jane's brother. The girl is our friend Daria Morgendorfer and... that's Mr. Higgens."  
  
"Who the hell is Mr. Higgens?"  
  
Mr. Higgens stood and spoke. "Mr. Moreno, or may I call you Louis?"  
  
"It's Luis!" pronounced loo-EES  
  
"Luis, I'm from AA. Your sons say you have a problem with alcohol."  
  
"My problem is my oldest son thinks he wears the pants in this family."  
  
"I'm your second son, Papa." said Jesse. "Tell him about Matt."  
  
"You will not speak of him!"  
  
"You killed him!"  
  
"Don't you dare blame me for what he did to himself!"  
  
"Hold on!" said Mr. Higgens. "We're not here to blame, we are here to convince Luis to get help. Now, Danny, while your brother cools   
  
off, tell your dad how his drinking has hurt you."  
  
The doorbell rang. Daria answered it. It was Man-Hater.  
  
"I'm here for those scummy men who put me in prison!" she said.  
  
"Um, could you come back later?" Daria whispered. "Now is not a good time." She said it as if dismissing a salesman, and closed the   
  
door in Man-Hater's shocked face.  
  
"Papa," he started. "the worst part about your drinking is it seems normal. Jesse says you didn't start drinking untill our mother died.   
  
Before that, you were a great guy. I was only 3, so I don't know. Bad enough that I don't remember having a mom, I don't remember having a dad   
  
either. It's always been Jesse taking care of me. He told me about Matt, how you destroyed all his pictures and anything having to deal with him   
  
after his suicide. From what Jesse told me about our mother, I don't think she would've wanted that. I also think she'd want you to stop drinking.   
  
So do I. I'm embarressed to have friends over 'cuz I dont' know if you're going to come home plastered, or if you will come home."  
  
"Your turn, Jesse." said Mr. Higgens.  
  
Jesse's mouth felt glued shut. Could he say what Danny hadn't already said? Could mere words express his anger and grief? "If he won't   
  
talk," said Trent, "I'll speak for him. When I was 16, I finally got a car. It's that green Ford you saw parked outside. It was second hand, not much   
  
to look at, but it was mine. I wanted to show it to Jesse one morning and then drive us to school. No one anwered when I got to your house, so I   
  
went in. No one in the living room, so I went up to Jesse's room. He was lying on his bed nursing an arm covered in black, blue and yellow splotches.   
  
I'm no doctor, but I knew that wasn't good. Instead of driving to school, I drove your son to the emergency room. He had multiple fractures on his   
  
left arm. After they put a cast on him I asked him how it happened. He tried to give me his usual 'I fell down' excuse. He later told me you pushed   
  
him down the stairs. Mr. Moreno, you're lucky it wasn't his neck that got broke. I've wanted to confront you for the longest time, but Jesse kept   
  
asking me not to. I understand you're upset over your wife, but it's been 11 years. Drinking and wallopping your son won't bring her back."  
  
"I've always wondered." said Danny. "Why dad always went after Jesse and not me. I mean, I'm smaller and weaker. I always thought it   
  
was because I hid in the study with my computer and electronics."  
  
"Is this your wife, Luis?" Mr. Higgens indicated a photo on the mantle. Luis nodded. "She's very beautiful. Jesse looks a lot like her. Same   
  
eyes, same features. They even wear their hair the same way. What was her name?"  
  
"Lillian." said Luis.  
  
"Luis, you're angry with Lillian."  
  
"Never!"  
  
"Yes, you are. You're angry at her for dying and leaving you with three growing sons. She's not here to be angry at, so you take it out on   
  
the son who reminds you the most of her."  
  
An epithany came over Luis Moreno. "What have I done?" he sighed. "I could never make up for what I've done."  
  
"Yes you can." said Jesse. "That's why we asked AA to send us someone."  
  
"AA has a great success rate." said Mr. Higgens. "You can take an inpatient or outpatient program as you see fit. It won't be easy at all,   
  
but believe me, it's worth it. I know. I've been there myself."  
  
Luis Moreno agreed to an outpatient program. Mr. Higgens said they could go to a meeting tonight. After they left, Daria felt a little guilty.   
  
She hadn't said or done anything throughout the whole ordeal. "Jesse," she said. "are you going to be OK?"  
  
"Know what?" he smiled. "I don't think I've ever been better!"  
  
"Told you it would work." said Trent.  
  
"Time to hold your part of the deal, Trent."  
  
"What deal?"  
  
"I said I'd hold an intervention for my dad if you'd learn to swim. I believe the number to the Y can be found in the phone book."  
  
"You're really gonna hold me to this?" Jesse nodded. "Fine, I'll call."  
  
"Daria and I will make sure he holds up on the deal." said Jane.  
  
"By the way," said Daria. "That was Man-Hater at the door. Apparantly she escaped prison and is hellbent on revenge. I'm all for kicking   
  
her ass. Anyone else?" It was unanimous.  
  
About a week later, Jane was on the couch sketching in her book when Trent came in and dropped his duffle bag on the floor. "How'd   
  
the lesson go?" she asked.  
  
"I'm a little tadpole." he said with disgust.  
  
"Excuse me?"  
  
"They put me in a class with a bunch of kids called the Little Tadpoles. Do you know how humiliating it is to have 6 year olds beat you   
  
at Marco Polo?"  
  
Jane giggled. The mental picture was just to funny. "Someone probably made a mistake. You can clear it up tomorrow. Remember- a deal's a deal."  
  
"I wish I could just chunk it." he sat down, exhausted.  
  
"Trent, swimming isn't all that bad. Why are you so adverse to learning?"  
  
"When I was a kid, whenever I got near a body of water larger than a big puddle, Wind would always push me in. Mom said he was just playing."  
  
"How come he never pushed me?"  
  
"I dunno. I guess it's cuz you were cute or something."  
  
"You gotta forget about that. Learning to swim is impportant."  
  
It was in their next adventure when Trent learned how important it was. 


	7. The Mutant of the Ocean

Fanfiction Four VII: The Mutant from the Ocean  
  
As in your world, Lawndale was struck by a hurricane known as Hurricane Andrew Lloyd. The effects of Hurricane Andrew Lloyd on   
  
the surrounding atmosphere was observable only by Watchers such as myself. The hurricane created ions that when combined with the right   
  
humidity when inhaled would cause the person to sing while going on about their business. Simular phenomina can be created in the average   
  
shower stall. On this large scale, Hurricane Andrew Lloyd caused the denizens of Lawndale to act as if they were in a Broadway musical. When   
  
the hurricane blew away, everything reverted to normal. People had memories of what they did that day, but no memories of singing or impromptu   
  
choreography.  
  
As in your world, Jane and Daria went to the roof to escape the pep rally. When Ms. Li announced the cancellation of the game, Brittany   
  
and Kevin went to the roof to make out. They met.  
  
"Hey!" said Jane. "I've got an idea! Daria, you can make those inviso-shield thingamabobs, right?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"So, you could go down to the seaboard, set up a huge ass shield and keep Lawndale from being blown away by Hurricane Andrew Lloyd."  
  
"Yeah, I could but...."  
  
"But nothing!" squeaked Brittany. "Daria, you're a super hero! You gotta protect us!" Brittany began to sing a little ditty to the tune of   
  
Tina Turner"s "We Don't Need Another Hero"  
  
Brittany:  
  
Think of the ruins  
  
Think of the wreckage  
  
Can't let the hurricane do that  
  
We are the children  
  
The new generation  
  
We are the ones they say are bad  
  
And I wonder if Daria will stop the hurricane  
  
From blowing down the town till nothing remains  
  
We need you to be our hero  
  
To save us from the wind and gale  
  
All we want is life right here in Lawndale  
  
Looking for someone we can rely on  
  
She can put her inviso-shield out there  
  
Hurricane Andrew Lloyd, is fast coming  
  
I think there's something in the air  
  
And I wonder if Daria will stop the hurricane  
  
From blowing down the town till nothing remains  
  
And my Kevvie sings-  
  
Kevin:  
  
We need you to be our hero  
  
To-something something wind and gale  
  
All we-uh- something- Lawndale  
  
"Alright, alright, I'll save your pathetic little town." said Daria.  
  
"Ladies first!" said Kevin, just before accidentally loosening the doorstop.  
  
"Noooooo!" cried Brittany. "That door locks! We're trapped up here!"  
  
"Flame on." Jane burned down the door with a touch.  
  
"That works." said Daria. "C'mon, I gotta save the town." Jane finished the song.  
  
Jane:  
  
What we do with our lives will leave only a mark  
  
Daria:  
  
Will our story shine like a light or end in the dark?  
  
Both:  
  
Give it all or nothing   
  
As they went back in the school, Quinn (now president of the Fashion Club) was telling her friends what was wrong with her sister. Or   
  
cousin- whatever.  
  
"The only thing wrong with my sis-uh-cousin Daria is her lack of confidence." She remembered some other faults. "Her inferiority and   
  
lack of confidence. Her cynicism, her inferiority, and her lack of confidence. Her over all plainness, her cynicism, her inferiority and her lack of   
  
confidence."  
  
"Did you know," said Stacy, "that Daria has never been on the cover of Waif? Never dated a football player? Never had a decent makeover?   
  
And never wears anything with a label? Sometimes I marvel at her consti-consent-you know, the way she keeps doing the same thing."  
  
"I think Daria has a nice ass." leered Upchuck.  
  
Brittany picked up a cheerleader's megaphone. "Hey everybody!" she yelled. "The game's not cancelled after all! Daria's gonna use her   
  
super powers to protect us from that mean-old Hurricane Andrew Lloyd! Let's give her a cheer!" Everyone cheered and started vocalizing a drum roll.  
  
"Oh, God, tell me this isn't happening." said Daria.  
  
The entire student body of Lawndale High sang a song for Daria to the tune of "You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown."  
  
Students: (except Daria)  
  
You're a good girl, Daria  
  
You're the kind of reminder we need  
  
You have humility, nobility and a sense of honor   
  
That is very rare indeed.  
  
Jane:  
  
Yeah!  
  
Students:  
  
You're a good girl, Daria  
  
And we know you will go very far  
  
Yes, it's hard to believe  
  
Almost frightening to conceive  
  
What a good girl you are.  
  
Jodi:(spoken)  
  
You are smart.  
  
Students:  
  
You're the one who gets all the best grades  
  
Yet you think for yourself  
  
You don't get on with folks but you make lotsa jokes  
  
Quinn:  
  
Every single damn day!  
  
Students:  
  
With your invisibility  
  
You just might save the day  
  
You're thoughtful, brave and courteous  
  
Quinn:(spoken)  
  
And you also have some faults,  
  
But for the moment let's just say...  
  
Students:  
  
That you're a good girl, Daria.  
  
You're a hero and a hero could be queen  
  
With a heart such as yours  
  
You could open any doors  
  
You're the best hero Lawndale has seen  
  
You could be queen, Daria  
  
You could be queen!  
  
Daria:  
  
Everybody says to me  
  
Students:  
  
You're a good girl, Daria  
  
Daria:  
  
Every voice in harmony  
  
Students:  
  
You're a good girl, Daria  
  
Daria:  
  
I'm just a girl with glasses  
  
Who goes to honors classes  
  
I guess I'll save your asses  
  
From that big hurricane  
  
Wonder why they stop to say  
  
Students:  
  
You're a good girl, Daria  
  
Daria:  
  
Never liked me anyway  
  
Students:  
  
You're a good girl, Daria  
  
Daria:  
  
I think they're just being nice  
  
For my inviso-shield  
  
A good girl yes, but I confess  
  
They don't know what I wield.  
  
With a great power comes great  
  
Responsibility  
  
So I'll protect the city.  
  
Students:  
  
Daria...Daria...  
  
You're a good girl, Daria!  
  
Quinn:(spoken)  
  
If only you'd wear some eyeliner!   
  
Daria gave her sister a disgruntled glare. "I'll call Trent." said Jane, getting out her cell. "So he can give us a ride to the seaboard." Jane   
  
called Trent's number. She could just immagine his duck phone quacking him awake. "Mmmph...hello?" Trent sounded like he just woke up.  
  
"Hey, Trent, Daria and I need a lift to the beach so she can stop the hurricane."  
  
"What hurricane?"  
  
"Hurricane Andrew Lloyd! Dammit, Trent, don't you watch the news?"  
  
"Yeah. MTV News."  
  
"Just come get us. We're at school."  
  
"But I'm not wearing any pants."  
  
"Then put some on!" Jane ended the call. "My brother sleeps to damn much."  
  
They went outside to wait. The student body followed and piled into their cars. "We're gonna have company." Jane observed.  
  
"It doesn't take much to draw a crowd." said Daria.  
  
Trent's green Ford pulled up. Jesse was riding shotgun. "Hey, girls." he said. "Didn't want Jess to miss out on the fun. Hope it's OK."  
  
"Can I ride with you?" Danny asked.  
  
"Sure, get in." said Trent.  
  
A train of cars followed the green Ford from the Lawndale High parking lot to the highway leading to the Atlantic coast. Jodi, Mac, Brittany   
  
and Kevin rode in Kevin's jeep. "Gee," said Brittany as Kevin drove. "I wonder how hurricanes start."  
  
"It' simple, babe!" said Kevin. "They're caused by-uh-lots and lots of wind!"  
  
"No they're not!" said Mac. "They're caused by-um-why don't you field this one, Jodi?"  
  
As the music swelled, Jodi stood, letting the wind whip her locks. She belted out a song to the tune of "Aquarius" from Hair.  
  
Jodi:  
  
When El Nino warms up the currents  
  
And these currents meet with cool air  
  
Air pressure makes a spiral  
  
Then you'd better beware  
  
This is the dawning of the Hurricane Andrew Lloyd  
  
The Hurricane Andrew Lloyd  
  
Students:  
  
Hurricane  
  
Andrew Lloyd  
  
Trent:  
  
Hurricanes always have strange names  
  
Jesse:  
  
From A to Z, for gents or dames  
  
Jane:  
  
Middle names are deviations  
  
Danny:  
  
Wind in a spiral formation  
  
Students:  
  
A shield will be our protection  
  
Daria:  
  
How'd I get in this situation?  
  
Everyone:  
  
Hurricane  
  
Andrew Lloyd  
  
Brittany:  
  
When Daria puts up the inviso-shield  
  
It will stop the wind that blows  
  
Our town will not be destroyed  
  
And I'll take off my clothes  
  
Kevin:(spoken)  
  
Babe!!!!!  
  
Brittany: (She strips as she sings)  
  
This is the dawning of the Hurricane Andrew Lloyd  
  
The Hurricane Andrew Lloyd  
  
Hurricane  
  
Andrew Lloyd  
  
Hurricane  
  
Andrew Lloyd  
  
As they arrived at the seaboard, they saw someone was already there. She was a woman in a prim suitdress with her honey blonde hair   
  
in a messy bun that the wind was about to blow loose. She had a mike and a cameraman with her. "Great." said Daria. "Someone has already alerted   
  
the media."  
  
"Don't be so sure, Daria." said Jane. "These reporters are crazy. Everytime there's a hurricane one has to go on location for the scoop.   
  
Say, isn't that Diana Wolfgang from channel 7 News?"  
  
It was. "Dammit, Theo!" she said to her cameraman. "This wind is ruining my hair and you'd better get my good side this time."  
  
"Yes Ms Wolfgang." said Theo.  
  
"4,3,2...Hurricane Andrew Lloyd is fast approaching. Lawndale residents are advised to stay indoors and...what are those kids doing here?   
  
Oh, I can't believe it! Theo, get a shot of them! A group of young people are approaching, ladies and gentlemen, and among them is the Formidable   
  
Four! You saw it here first on Channel 7 News!" Ms Wolfgang approached them. "Sir Stretchalot," she said, pushing the mike in Trent's face. "Have   
  
you come to save Lawndale from Hurricane Andrew Lloyd?"  
  
"Umm, Phantom is." He hated it when people assumed he was the leader. The Formidable Four didn't need a leader.  
  
"Phantom," Ms Wolfgang thrusted the mike in her face. "Do you have any words for our viewers at home?"  
  
"Uh...no comment." Daria hated being put on the spot. Here goes nothing. she thought.  
  
"Get a good shot of this, Theo." Ms Wolfgang ordered.  
  
"Yes Ms Wolfgang."  
  
Daria had decided that a dome with its convex facing the wind would be stronger than a flat shield. It would have to be plenty big, but   
  
she'd do it.  
  
"Phantom," said Ms Wolfgang. "How long will this shield last?"  
  
Daria sighed. "Unless I will them away myself, a couple of days. Now please be quiet so I can concentrate."  
  
"Keep that camera rolling, Theo." she whispered.  
  
"Yes Ms Wolfgang."  
  
Daria concentrated. No one could see the invisible barrier she was building between the land and the angry sea, but they could feel the   
  
effects. The wind died to a faint breeze while huge waves swirled in the distance. Everyone cheered and went into a reprise of "You're a Good Girl,   
  
Daria." Ms Wolfgang gave a Pulitzer winning monologue into Theo's camera. Daria barely noticed. She felt tired and dizzy. She would have passed   
  
out if Trent hadn't stretched out his arms to catch her.  
  
"You OK, Daria?" he asked.  
  
"Yeah, just kind of woozy." she answered. "I never had to make a shield that big before."  
  
"I'll take you home so you can go to bed."  
  
"Trent, I'm fine, really."  
  
"You didn't look fine."  
  
Daria sang a song to the tune of "Everything's Alright" from Jesus Christ Superstar.  
  
Daria:  
  
Try not to get worried, though it was hard to do  
  
I'm feeling fine thank you, oh don't you know  
  
Everything's alright, yes, everything's fine  
  
And I want to go out with you tonight  
  
Let's go out and have some fun tonight  
  
I'm just fine, I'm just fine so c'mon let's go somewhere tonight.  
  
Students:  
  
Everything's alright, yes, everything's alright, yes  
  
Daria:  
  
Maybe we could go to, the bowling alley if you  
  
Don't mind losing to me, oh, don't you know  
  
Everything's alright, yes, everything's fine  
  
There's a new place on Dega Street  
  
That serves a new kind of ice cream treat  
  
We'll have fun, we'll have fun   
  
So relax, let's have a date tonight.  
  
Students:  
  
Everything's alright, yes, everythin's alright, yes  
  
Upchuck: (rudly horning in)  
  
Woman, a fine dinner at Chez Pierre's expensive  
  
But I'll be glad to take you there  
  
Why don't you come with me? It won't cost you a thing  
  
But in my car, I'll ask you to be fair  
  
(Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrllllllllll!!!!!!!)  
  
Aren't you hungry? I know I'm starving.  
  
Let's go now and catch the buffet  
  
Daria:  
  
Get lost, I don't like you. Oh Upchuck why can't you   
  
See my boyfriend's here too. Oh don't you know  
  
I just don't like you, no I don't like you  
  
And I want you to get lost tonght  
  
'Cuz your breath turns my stomache tonight  
  
Just get lost, just get lost, leave us alone  
  
Students:  
  
She doesn't like you, no, she doesn't like you, no  
  
Trent:  
  
Surely you're not saying you have the cajonez  
  
To ask my girl on a date?  
  
You better step off pal, you're pathetic and sad  
  
Better leave before it's to late  
  
You think with the wrong head  
  
Get lost or you'll be dead  
  
So get lost, or you'll be sorry, just get gone!  
  
Daria:  
  
Get lost, I don't like you. In fact, I despise you.  
  
You're a disgusting twerp. Oh, can't you see  
  
I just can't stand you, no, so go away.  
  
And I'm going out with Trent tonight  
  
We can do well without you tonight  
  
So buzz off, just buzz off  
  
Go away, quit bugging us tonight  
  
Go away, go away and get lost.  
  
Students:  
  
She just can't stand you, no, she just can't stand you no  
  
  
  
Everyone broke off and left. The excitment was over. Hurricane Andrew Lloyd wasn't going to dampen anyone's day after all. The people of Lawndale   
  
were now free to do whatever they had planned, whether it was go to the mall, see a movie or play the schedualed football game. Even Ms Wolfgang   
  
said "That's a wrap." Only Upchuck was left all alone on the beach. Daria had burned him before, but never this badly. And she had a boyfriend.   
  
And what was with that remark about his breath? Upchuck felt kicked in the stomache."What's that Lane boy got that I don't?" he wondered as   
  
he walked to the pier. "So he's better looking than me. Big deal. And he's older. Probably nicer than me. And then there's that super stretching power   
  
he has. Oh my God! He could stretch any part of his body! No wonder she likes him more than me!" He stood on the edge of the pier and stared at   
  
the swirling hurricane beating against the invisible barrier. Upchuck dropped to his knees and yelled "DARIA!!!!!" He sang his feelings into a song   
  
set to the tune of "Javert's Suicide" from Les Miserables.  
  
Upchuck:  
  
Who is this girl?  
  
What sort of devil is she?  
  
Just what makes her think she's to  
  
good to go out with me?  
  
It was my hour at last  
  
To ask her out on a date  
  
I acted fast  
  
But still I was to late  
  
All it would take would be her to say "yes"  
  
She cut me down cold, now I'm lonely I guess  
  
Damned if I'll give her to that slacker Trent!  
  
Damned if I'll yield at the end of the chase!  
  
I am the Chuck and the Chuck is not mocked!  
  
Can't believe she said those things right to my face!  
  
And this whole thing drives me insane.  
  
It is either Chuckie or Trent Lane!  
  
And can I now allow this man   
  
To be chosen over me  
  
This delicate girl whom I have hunted  
  
She turned me down, she hurt me bad  
  
I could've asked for her hand  
  
It was my right  
  
She could say "Yes, that would be swell."  
  
But she said "No, now go to Hell."  
  
And my thoughts fly apart  
  
Can this girl be believed?  
  
What makes her so damn drivven?  
  
Could it be I'm deceived?  
  
And do I now begin to doubt  
  
I'm not the stud I thought I was?  
  
My heart is crushed, she found another  
  
The girl I have known don't like me at all  
  
Is she from Heaven or from Hell?  
  
And does she know  
  
That by turning me down once again  
  
That she has killed me, even so?  
  
I am reaching, but I fall  
  
And the sea is black and cold  
  
I stare into the void  
  
Of a world that cannot hold  
  
I'll escape now from that world  
  
From the world of Daria  
  
There is nowhere I can turn  
  
There is no way to go ooooooooooooooooooooooonnnnn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
And on the final note, Upchuck threw himself into the turbulant sea.  
  
The first thing Upchuck noticed was that the water didn't seem as cold as he thought it would be. The second thing he noticed was he   
  
wasn't drowning. He felt like he was breathing normally. Even the water pressure felt completly normal to him. In fact, he felt more at ease in the   
  
ocean than he had ever felt on dry land. "What's going on?" he asked himself, surprised that he could speak under water. A little red crab with a   
  
Jamacain accent approached him and began to sing.  
  
Crab:  
  
Under da sea, under da sea!  
  
Darlin' it's better down where it's wetter  
  
Take it from....  
  
Upchuck smashed the crustacion against the pier. "Take that, Mr. Eisner!" he said. Upchuck began to swim. He had always been good   
  
at the frog kick. He removed his shoes to lessen the drag. Then he decided he might as well strip down. He swam on, wearing only the neon green   
  
Speedos he thought made him sexy. Seaplants undulated as schools of fish swam by. "Strange." thought Upchuck. "There's a hurricane roaring   
  
just on the surface, but everything's so calm down here. Weird, not only can I live down here, I feel as if I could very well thrive. Guess I'm one   
  
of those mutates, or whatever. Ah, if only there were some lovely girls down here, it would be perfect!"  
  
As if granting his wish, Upchuck heard a feminine giggle behind him. A beautiful young maiden with flowing ash blonde hair was peeping   
  
from behind a rock. "And who might you be, my pretty one?"  
  
The mermaid swam into view. Her slim tail was covered in irredicent scales and curved to suggest hips and buttocks. Upchuck envied   
  
the starfish that were affixed to each oversized breast.  
  
"Come catch me and I'll tell you!" she giggled and darted off.  
  
"Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrroowlllllll!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" The chase was on.   
  
Upchuck swam after the nubile nereid.Her fins flickered as her pale blonde hair trailed behind her. Grrowll! thought upchuck as he chased   
  
her. What I'm gonna do when I catch- oh, what will I do? She's got a tail. Well, I can always cop a feel. That's still more than I've ever done.  
  
She led him deeper into the ocean. There at the bottom of the sea was a huge golden castle. It looked just like the tiny castles Upchuck   
  
had seen in aquariums, only huge. Upchuck chased the mermaid into one of the windows. "I found him! I found him!" she cried. Suddenly, a   
  
dozen loevely mermaids swam into view. "Oh, it's him, it's him!" they cried, fawning over Upchuck.  
  
"This day is getting better all the time!" he decided. "Not that I'm complaining, but just who are you? Am I in Heaven?"  
  
They all giggled. Upchuck appreciated the sight. One mermaid had lusterous black hair. Another had russet hair and pouty lips. One wore   
  
a crown of sea flowers on her chestnut head. Two of them wore their golden hair in ringlets and could only be told apart because one wore a pearl   
  
necklace and the other a choker of cowrie shells. Yowza! Twins! he thought. The first mermaid sang a song to the tune of "Jacob and Sons" from   
  
Joseph and the Amazing TechnicolorDream Coat as the others swam about in a pattern,joining in when they would.  
  
First Mermaid:  
  
Way, way back many centuries ago  
  
Oh maybe a billion years B.C.  
  
Neptune built a castle in the sea  
  
Where he could live with mermaids just like me  
  
Merry! Merry mermaids!  
  
We're here to fulfill your every wish  
  
Merry! Merry mermaids!  
  
Spend all of our days in the sea with the fish  
  
You're the long lost prince of our undersea nation  
  
Your parents sent you above where they knew you'd be safe  
  
Now that the war is over you can be our new monarch  
  
No more are you some helpless foundling waif  
  
Merry! Merry mermaids!  
  
Babes of the ocean, of the fins and scales  
  
Merry! Merry mermaids!  
  
Now tell me the truth, don't you think I have a cute tail?  
  
2nd mermaid:  
  
Zephyr!  
  
1st mermaid:  
  
is a mermaid renoun for her lusterous black hair  
  
3rd mermaid:  
  
With Calliope!  
  
4th mermaid:  
  
and Ichthys!  
  
1st mermaid:  
  
They're just divine  
  
5th mermaid:  
  
Anemone!  
  
6th mermaid:  
  
and Salina!  
  
7th mermaid:  
  
With Azul!  
  
8th mermaid:  
  
and Pearl!  
  
9th mermaid:  
  
Hydrangea!  
  
10th mermaid:  
  
and Pax!  
  
1st mermaid:  
  
Took the total to nine  
  
Merry! Merry mermaids!  
  
11th mermaid:  
  
Pelagia!  
  
12th mermaid:  
  
And Coral!  
  
1st mermaid:  
  
Which leaves only me  
  
Merry! Merry mermaids!  
  
Hello, my name's Amphitrite  
  
Merry! Merry mermaids!  
  
Merry! Merry mernaids!  
  
Merry! Merry mermaids!  
  
mermaids mermaids mermaids  
  
Merry mermaids!  
  
"Let me get this straight." said Upchuck. "I'm the long lost prince of the mermaids?''  
  
"It's like this." said Amphitrite. "Your parents were Queen Nerrisa and King Nautilus VI. That's their portrait on the wall behind you. An   
  
evil race called the Haagendaas waged war on our kingdom. Your parents sent you to the Dryland where you'd be safe. I'm sorry to say, both were   
  
killed. Only a dozen of us are left. We need you, prince to help us repopulate."  
  
"Not prince," corrected Zephyr. "All hail King Nautilus VII!"  
  
"Glad to!" said the renamed Nautilus. "Umm...how?"  
  
"We grow legs when we're out of sea water." said Pearl.  
  
"Legs," said her twin sister Pax. "And everything else!"  
  
"We'll do anything to serve you, your majesty." said Salina, nuzzling him.  
  
Nautilus looked at the portrait- an alabaster relief. The king looked a lot like him, only with a long curly beard. So he was adopted. This   
  
would explain why he didn't look like anyone in his family. It explained why he was an only child, even though Charles Rutheimer Jr. was famous   
  
for his libido- occasionally even having sex with his wife. It would also explain why he hadn't drowned. "So, how come I don't have a fish's tail,   
  
like the rest of you?"  
  
Amphitrite shrugged. "I suppose it's because you've been away from the ocean for so long."  
  
"And you'll do anything I say?"  
  
"Yes, anything!" said Calliope.  
  
"Fine. As your king, I require a queen. And my queen shall be none other than...Daria!"  
  
The mermaids looked at each other. Who was Daria? "Nautilus,'' Said Amphitrite. "Surely you'd perfer one of us to be your queen? I, for   
  
one, have been the informal leader so far."  
  
"My mind is made up." he said. "You are all lovely and would make perfect concubines for my harem, but my queen will be Daria Morgendorfer,   
  
a temptress from Dryland who has stolen my heart. You say you can walk on land? Then you will help me invade Dryland and help me take back   
  
the woman who will be your queen."  
  
"A Drylander!" cried Amphitrite. "As queen? Unthinkable."  
  
"It can be done." said Ichthys. "As long as she stays in contact of King Nautilus or one of us mermaids, she can survive down here."  
  
"Very well." said Nautilus. "So let it be written, so shall it be done!"  
  
to be continued   
  
Cliffhanger! Diana Wolfgang and Theo are OCs that may pop up in later stories. I orriginally created Diana Wolfgang for a 'Toon RPG. She started  
  
out as an anthropomorphic wolf but I made her human for the FF stories. Didn't Betty Boop start out the same way? Theo is loosly based on   
  
Droopy the dog.  
  
I thought it was odd that the hurricane in "Daria!" was never given a name. They're usually named Hugo, Lili, Isabel, something. There's  
  
been a Hurricane Andrew, but I named this one Hurricane Andrew Lloyd because it made people burst into song.  
  
Now here's the people who should take the blame, uh, I mean credit for all the song parodies in this story. "We Don't Need Another Hero"  
  
was written by Michael Taer. /You're A Good Man, Charlie Brown/ belongs to Clark Gesner and Charles Schultz. /Hair/ belongs to Gerome Ragni  
  
and James Rado. /Jesus Christ Superstar/ and /Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat/ belong to Andrew Lloyd Webber and Tim Rice.   
  
"Under the Sea" was written by Alan Menken and Howard Ashman. /Les Miserables/ belongs to Alain  
  
Boublil, Claude-Michel Schonberg and Herbert Kretzner. 


	8. The Mutant of the Ocean: Act II

Fanfiction Four VII.V: The Mutant of the Ocean  
  
God, she's beautiful when she's asleep. Trent thought as he watched Daria sleep in his bed.   
  
She began to stir. "Hmm...Trent?" she mumbled. Without her glasses, he looked like a tall thin blob.   
  
"What happened? Where is everyone?"  
  
"You fell asleep in the car." he said, giving her her glasses. "I knew something like that   
  
might wipe you out for awhile. Danny wanted to be let out at Radio Shack. Janey's in her room working   
  
on a portrait she's been doing of Jesse. He's modeling for her."  
  
"Caffeine." mumbled Daria. "Must-have-caffeine."  
  
"C'mon, put on your boots and I'll take you to Starbucks."  
  
Meanwhile, in Jane's room, Jesse was sitting for Jane.  
  
"Can I see it now?" he asked.  
  
"Not untill it's finished." she answered.  
  
"C'mon, Jane, I've been posing for weeks, sitting still, not talking."  
  
"Not talking used to be your specialty."  
  
"I-well-I like talking to you. How 'bout just a peek?"  
  
"No, Jesse." Jane turned to rinse out her brush in a jug of water. I can probably slip over   
  
and catch a glimpse now, if I hurry. Jesse thought. In his haste, he bumped into Jane. She tried   
  
to keep her balance by grabbing Jesse, who tried to keep his balance by grabbing the easel, knocking   
  
over a jar of titanium white.  
  
"Oh geeze, I-I-I'm sorry Jane." said Jesse.  
  
"Never mind." sighed Jane. She just couldn't get mad at him.  
  
"I really made a mess."  
  
Jane sang a song to the tune of "A Little Fall of Rain" from /Les Miserables/.  
  
Jane:  
  
Don't you fret, Jesse Moreno  
  
This color's kinda faint  
  
A little splash of paint   
  
Can hardly stain my rug  
  
It's cool, we'll just clean up the mess  
  
And we must keep it damp  
  
So that it doesn't set  
  
And it will be clean more or less  
  
Jesse: (helps her work on the stain)  
  
I will clean it up, Jane-with turpentine  
  
I should clean it up 'cuz the fault is mine.  
  
Jane: (puts her hand on his)  
  
Just hold it there, and use this rag  
  
Glad this rug isn't shag  
  
Jesse:  
  
I'm sorry I knocked it down  
  
I'm such a big dumb lug  
  
There's water in this jug  
  
Jane:  
  
The paint won't stain my rug  
  
The paint will wash away at last  
  
And we must keep it damp  
  
So that it doesn't set  
  
I hope this thing is colorfast  
  
The paint dripped on my rug  
  
Is water based  
  
We just need to scrub it  
  
Till it's erased  
  
Next time I'll use conte crayon  
  
This rug is made of rayon  
  
(They sing in counterpoint)  
  
Jesse:Jane:  
  
I'm sorry, dear Janey So don't you fret, Jesse Moreno  
  
This color's kinda faint This color's kinda faint  
  
A little splash of paint A little splash of paint  
  
Can hardly stain your rug Can hardly stain my rug  
  
It's cool. We'll just clean up the mess  
  
I will stay with you And we must keep it damp  
  
Till the stain is gone So that it doesn't set  
  
And it And it  
  
Will be clean more or Will be clean more or....  
  
Jesse:  
  
less.  
  
Trent and Daria were recognized at Starbucks. "Look, Zelda!" said one of the baristas.   
  
"It's Phantom and Sir Stretchalot! They were on TV just this morning!"  
  
"Hi," said Trent. "I'll have a tall mochalatte with just a little whipped topping. What do   
  
you want, Daria?"  
  
"Umm....I'm really more of a tea person than a coffee person. But, I'll go for the coa-coa."  
  
"Try the Godiva hot chocolate." recomended the first barista, whose name tag read "Fran"   
  
"It's delicious and for you two, on me."  
  
"Really, you don't have to." said Trent.  
  
"It's the least I can do for Lawndale's resident super heros." said Fran. "So, what kind of   
  
cream do you want, Sir Stretch?"  
  
"Any cream will do." he answered.  
  
"You serious?" Fran asked.  
  
Trent extolled his love for coffee in a song set to the tune of "Any Dream Will Do" from   
  
/Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat/. Daria and the two baristas supplied background vocals.  
  
Trent:  
  
Went to Starbucks  
  
Ordered some java  
  
As hot as lava  
  
And it was fresh brewed  
  
Far, far away  
  
The beans are growing  
  
And I am knowing  
  
Any cream will do  
  
I drank mocha  
  
Daria and Baristas:  
  
I drank mocha  
  
Trent:  
  
With chocolate syrup  
  
Daria and Baristas:  
  
Aaaa-aaaah  
  
Trent:  
  
Thought it could cheer up  
  
Daria and Baristas:  
  
Oooo-ooooh  
  
Trent:  
  
The dreariest mood  
  
Espresso beans  
  
Daria and Baristas:  
  
Espresso beans  
  
Trent:  
  
Give me the jitters  
  
Daria and Baristas:  
  
Aaaa-aaaah  
  
Trent:  
  
And they taste quite bitter  
  
Daria and Baristas:  
  
Oooo-ooooh  
  
All:  
  
Any cream will do  
  
Trent:  
  
Vanilla bean!  
  
Or hazelnut!  
  
Either of that   
  
Will make the cut  
  
All:  
  
The coffee doesn't taste good when black  
  
It needs some sugar  
  
Trent:  
  
May I have some  
  
Daria:  
  
May I have some  
  
Tremt:  
  
Of those biscotti  
  
Daria:  
  
Aaaa-aaah  
  
Trent:  
  
Dip 'em till they're soggy  
  
'Cuz they're hard to chew  
  
My date and I  
  
Daria:  
  
My date and I  
  
Trent:  
  
We need some caffeine  
  
Daria:  
  
Oooo-ooooh  
  
Trent:  
  
some coffee quaffing  
  
Any cream will do  
  
All:  
  
Any cream will do  
  
(musical interlude; baristas mix up coffee drinks, put in flavor shots, steam milk, etc. Daria bobs   
  
her head in tune as Trent hums the melody.)  
  
Trent:  
  
Some half and half!  
  
Or cinnamon!  
  
My coffee cup  
  
second to none!  
  
All:  
  
The coffee doesn't taste good when black  
  
It needs some sugar  
  
Trent:  
  
Any cream will do  
  
Daria:  
  
Any cream, any cream  
  
All:  
  
Any cream will do  
  
Trent:  
  
Give me my cup of Joe  
  
My caffeine filled cup of  
  
Joooooooooooooooe!!!  
  
(Big finish!)  
  
  
  
Nautilus and the mermaids wriggled out of the sea and on to the shore. It was true. After   
  
the mermaids had time to dry off after getting out of the sea, their tails split. Scales became   
  
supple pink skin, fins became delicate feet and toes. And then there was the pelvic region. "We'll   
  
need weapons to take back our queen. Here's the plan, my beauties."  
  
After he told the mermaids his plan, they followed him to Billy Bob's Hunting Supplies. "Yeah,"   
  
said Billy Bob. "Whaddya wa-wa-wa-wa...." Billy Bob saw a dozen sexy women wearing some shells,   
  
flowers and little else.  
  
"We'd like some free guns." giggled Coral. "Is that OK?"  
  
"Uh huh," mummbled a mesmorized Billy Bob.  
  
"We need some ammo, to." said Azul, batting her lashes. "Can we have some? Pleeeeeeaase?"  
  
"OH, look at these cute outfits!" said Pelagia, modeling a pair of cammo pants. "Can we have   
  
some? Pwetty pwetty pweese?"  
  
Billy Bob nodded. Then he snapped out of it. "Wait, wait, I've gotta do a background check   
  
on you ladies!"  
  
"You don't need a background check." said Amphitrite, removing one of her starfish pasties.  
  
"I don't need a background check." Billy Bob was back in his trance.  
  
"You want to give us anything we want." Amphitrite removed the other starfish.  
  
"Take anything you want."  
  
"The Brady Bill is a bunch of bull anyway." Amphitrite swayed her torso.  
  
"The Brady Bill is a bunch of bull anyway."  
  
"Excellent work, my dears." said Nautilus. "Now we must get my queen!" Nautilus and the mermaids   
  
began to sing a song to the tune of "The Mob Song" from /Beauty and the Beast/.  
  
Hydrangea:  
  
We will invade the Drylands  
  
Anemone:  
  
We will bring back our king's mate  
  
Zephyr:  
  
But first this nowhere suburbian town we must infiltrate  
  
Calliope:  
  
We'll take her back to our kingdom to be queen of the sea  
  
Nautilus:  
  
So it's time to take some action, girls  
  
It's time to follow me!  
  
(As he sings, he leads them down the street to a bus stop. They catch a bus full of characters   
  
so unsavory, they don't even notice a dozen heavily armed girls. Coral pays the "fare" by flashing   
  
the driver.)  
  
Down this street  
  
By a bench  
  
There's a bus stop at the corner  
  
It's a nightmare but it's one exciting ride  
  
Pay the fare  
  
And we're there  
  
In the middle of the suburbs  
  
(They're in downtown Lawndale, not far from Starbucks)  
  
And there's something truly wonderful inside  
  
It's my queen   
  
She's got a tongue  
  
A razor sharp one  
  
Sexy legs  
  
That just beg to be seen  
  
She won't respond   
  
To my mac  
  
But we're not going back  
  
Without her!  
  
I'll have her!  
  
Get my queen!  
  
"What's all that racket outside?" asked Fran, going to the window.  
  
"Oh my lord!"said Zelda. "I can't believe it! Bikini girls with machine guns!"  
  
Trent looked out the window. "Daria, isn't that the goofy red-haired fuck who was bothering   
  
you this morning at the beach?"  
  
"Upchuck?" Daria saw it, but couldn't believe it.  
  
"Attention, puny Drylanders!" he announced "I am no longer the one you knew as Charles Ruttheimer   
  
III. I am now King Nautilus of the Sea People!"  
  
"King Nauseous is more like it." Daria commented.  
  
"I will have Daria Morgendorfer, better known as Phantom, as my queen. If she is not in my   
  
embrace within the hour, my mermaids will wreck havoc on the city. Won't you, ladies?"  
  
"Oh, yes, yes, yes!" The mermaids continued the song.  
  
Mermaids:  
  
We've got guns  
  
And they're fun  
  
Nautilus:  
  
I'd listen to us if I were you.  
  
Mermaids:  
  
We're counting on Nautilus to lead the way  
  
In this town  
  
On this block  
  
Nautilus:  
  
Hey, that's her inside Starbucks!  
  
Mermaids:  
  
It's our queen  
  
And she must marry our king  
  
It's legal  
  
Though they're only seventeen  
  
Sally forth  
  
Tally ho  
  
We've got guns  
  
And ammo  
  
Just like huns and here we go!  
  
"Dar-i-a!" Nautilus sang. "Come out and play-ay!"  
  
"Daria," said Trent. "I think you'd better go invisible for awhile so he can't find you."  
  
"No, Trent." she said. "You see the guns. They mean buisiness. It's me he wants."  
  
"No, don't!" he begged. "We'll think of something."  
  
The mermaids terrorized the town. Not caring for money, they held up people and businesses   
  
for jewelry, pastries and trinkets. "Take whatever booty you want." said Nautilus. "But remember,   
  
the queen is mine!" The song continued.  
  
Mermaids:  
  
We've grenades   
  
And rifles  
  
And weapons of mass destruction  
  
That guy Billy Bob shoulda had us screened  
  
Loot and riot   
  
Sing the song  
  
Here we come, a dozen strong  
  
And a dozen mermaids can't be wrong  
  
Give us the queen!  
  
"I better go out there before they hurt someone." Daria decided.  
  
"No, it's not safe." said Trent.  
  
"If I wanted to be safe, I never would've become the Phantom." She went for the door. Trent   
  
followed, ready to protect her. The mob outside chanted.  
  
Nautilus& Mermaids:  
  
Where's the queen?  
  
Where's the queen?  
  
Where's the queen?  
  
"I'm right here, Nauseous." said Daria, trying out the new insult. "What the hell do you want?"  
  
"Ah, Daria, Queen of my Heart." sighed Nautilus. "You know it's you that I desire. I am now king   
  
of the Sea People and only you are worthy of being my queen."  
  
"I'd sooner French kiss a walrus!"  
  
"Ooh, kinky! Daria, my love, come quietly and these ladies will follow you into the sea and   
  
heed your bidding as they do for me. Otherwise, some innocent bystanders are going to get hurt."  
  
"Hmmm...tough choice." Daria said. "Marriage to you, death of innocent bystanders. Marriage   
  
to you, death of innocent bystanders. No lie, this is one tough dilemma."  
  
"Oh come, it's not that difficult." He put his hands on her shoulders. A tremendous right   
  
hook landed on the side of his head.  
  
"Get your damn hands off her, you slimy glass-jawed freak!" Trent said, retracting his arm.  
  
"How dare you attack our king!" shouted Salina, just before sending a hail of bullets in his   
  
direction.  
  
"TRENT!!!" Daria scremed and covered her eyes. Oh my God, Trent. she thought. That is the   
  
/stupidest/ thing you've ever done!  
  
"Weep not, Milady." said Nautilus. "He lives yet."  
  
Daria dared look up. Sure enough, Trent was still standing. His shirt was in tatters and   
  
the bullets that had bounced off his rubbery body lay at his feet. Trent had long suspected his   
  
stretchable body had a degree of invulnerability, but understandably, never wanted to test it.   
  
"Damn, and that was my favorite shirt." he said.  
  
"Your boyfriend may be bullet-proof." Nautilus declared. "But what about these other people?   
  
How many deaths must I order before you agree to marry me?"  
  
"None, Nautilus." she sighed. "I'll go."  
  
"Daria, no!" said Trent, running up to her.  
  
"The lady made a choice." said Nautilus.  
  
"Trent," Daria tried to swallow her tears. "I'm sorry. I can't let people be killed for me."  
  
"Let's go." said Nautilus, becoming bored. "Hydrangea, be a dear and get us a ride."  
  
"Yes, Milord." she said. Hydrangea saw a VW mini-bus coming down the street. She jumped in   
  
front of it and flashed her headlights, so to speak. It came to a screeching hault. "Whoa, du-ude."   
  
mumbled the aging hippie that stumbled out. "I gotta quit hitting the bong before driving."  
  
"We desire your transport." said Amphitrite, beginning to peel off one of her starfish.  
  
"Help yourself, babe." said the hippie. The mermaids piled in. Nautilus shoved Daria in the   
  
shotgun seat and took the wheel. As he peeled out, driving East, Trent shouted after them "I'll   
  
find you, Daria! I swear I will!"  
  
As Nautilus drove his kingdom of 13 to the ocean, a song cue started. It was sung to the   
  
tune of "The Phantom of the Opera" from the musical of the same title.  
  
Daria:  
  
This geek he came to me, this geek he came  
  
At first he growled at me, and acted lame  
  
He's the world's biggest twerp, he is so crass  
  
The Mutant of the Ocean is a pain in the ass.  
  
Nautilus:  
  
Come to the sea with me, and be my bride  
  
The hate you show to me is love you hide  
  
And though you resist me I'll marry you  
  
Nautilus of the Ocean is here, so buy a clue  
  
Daria:  
  
Those who spend time with you, draw back in fright  
  
Your presence sickens me  
  
Nautilus:  
  
I'll get laid tonight!  
  
Both:  
  
A sub marine wedding is what he's/I've planned  
  
The Mutant/Nautilus of the Ocean is there/here, driving the van  
  
Mermaids:  
  
He sings, Nautilus of the Ocean  
  
Our king, Nautilus of the Ocean  
  
Nautilus:  
  
In all your fantasies, you always knew  
  
That man and mystery  
  
Daria:  
  
I can't stand you  
  
Both:  
  
And in this VW with hippie beads  
  
The Mutant/Nautilus of the Ocean is there/here, unheeding my/your pleads  
  
Nautilus: (spoken)  
  
Sing, my siren!  
  
Daria:  
  
He's there, the Mutant of the Ocean  
  
HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Nautilus: (spoken)  
  
Sing for ME!  
  
(She continues to call for help, beginning on high A flat to above middle C)  
  
Trent sped home and ran up the stairs to Jane's room. "Janey, Daria's been...Yeagh!  
  
Jane screamed too. So did Jesse. They had been rolling about on some butcher paper that had   
  
been strewn on the floor. Both were stripped to the waist and covered in paint. Jane grabbed Jesse's   
  
black leather vest to cover up with. "Daria's been kidnapped." Trent finally said. "It seems that   
  
red-haired freak from this morning calls himself King Nautilus and has a dozen women who follow   
  
him. We need to rescue her."  
  
"Um...can we clean up and get dressed first?" asked Jane.  
  
Trent sighed. "I don't think he'll hurt her, but hurry." Trent left and changed his own shirt.   
  
"Guess we'll have to devirginate each other later." sighed Jane.  
  
"Yeah." sighed Jesse.  
  
God, this is just to weird, Trent thought as the three of them gathered downstairs. But I   
  
have to get over it for Daria's sake. "Alright," he said. "We've got to find Daria"  
  
"You ought to ask my brother Danny." said Jesse. "The orriginal computer geek." He began to   
  
sing to the tune of "Mr. Mistoffelees" from /Cats/.  
  
Jesse:  
  
The greatest technitions have something to learn  
  
From Danny Moreno's computer turn  
  
And you'll all say  
  
Oh well there never was there ever  
  
A kid so clever as technical Danny Moreno  
  
(They're suddenly in the Moreno house. Danny slides down the bannister with a "Hey Presto!" and goes into an elaborate dance routine as Jesse sings)  
  
He's quiet, he's small, he's 14  
  
You wouldn't suspect he was to bright  
  
He designed a saver for his screen  
  
He can hack into any web site  
  
He subscribes to Wired magazine  
  
He is not only cunning he's nice  
  
He is always reading manuals and needing  
  
Some insulated wires to splice  
  
He can fix anything with a plug  
  
Or a diode and a circuit board   
  
His computer's never had a bug  
  
His junk drawer is full of extension cords  
  
He's created some gadgets unseen since Q's day  
  
And you'll find them next week for sale on E-bay  
  
All: (except Danny)  
  
And we all say  
  
Oh! Well there never was there ever  
  
A kid so clever as technical Danny Moreno  
  
Oh! Well there never was there ever  
  
A kid so clever as technical Danny Moreno  
  
Danny:  
  
Well! I designed a web site aged 10  
  
I work out logarythems in my head  
  
I work the computer in the den  
  
I do soldering in my tool shed  
  
And I've sometimes been in my tool shed  
  
When I'd rather be in the den  
  
At least I have heard that my 'puter whirred  
  
And now we'll all sing it again  
  
of my singular technical powers  
  
And I've known for Jesse to call  
  
Me on the telephone for hours  
  
When I was on AOL  
  
Jesse:  
  
And not long ago, this phenomenal kid  
  
fixed a linear reactants matrix grid!  
  
And we all say.......  
  
All: (Except Danny, who has gone back to his dance routine)  
  
Oh! Well there never was there ever  
  
A kid so clever as technical Danny Moreno  
  
Oh! Well there never was there ever   
  
a kid so clever as technical Danny Moreno  
  
Jesse: (spoken)  
  
Ladies and Gentlemen, I give to you the Technical Danny Moreno!  
  
(big finish!)  
  
"So, what's up?" asked Danny.   
  
"Daria's been kidnapped by some guy called Nauseous, or something." said Trent.  
  
"Is she still carrying her transmitter?" asked Danny.  
  
"She keeps hers in her jacket pocket." Trent said. The whole team had taken to carrying   
  
theirs on a daily basis.  
  
"Then finding her won't be hard." said Danny." Let me get the receiver." Danny concentrated   
  
on the blip on the screen heading East. "They're taking her to the beach. This can't be right...  
  
according to these co-ordinants, she's heading right into the Atlantic!"  
  
"He called himself the Sea King, or something." said Trent. "He had a bunch of bikini girls   
  
with machine guns that he called mermaids."  
  
"My friends and I built an airboat last summer." said Danny. "It's still docked out there.   
  
There's an old dude named Yves who lives near the beach and rents wet suits and scuba gear. But   
  
I've got something better." Danny rushed off to his room and came right back with a contraption   
  
that looked like an oversized fish bowl with a headset. "I've rigged up a helmet that will allow   
  
divers to speak with each other. It's a mic and speaker system based on the one NASA uses. Try it   
  
on, Bro." He stuck it on Jesse's head.  
  
"Cool." said Jesse, as the mic whistled.  
  
"You're into diving?" asked Jane.  
  
"Jane," laughed Danny. "It's a common fallacy that computer geeks are pasty freaks with no   
  
interest in anything that isn't in cyber-space. I have a healthy curiosity about nearly everything."  
  
They drove to the dock. "My fire power's no use under water." said Jane. "I'll wait here for   
  
you to flush him out." Danny, Trent and Jesse rented and dressed in the wet suits. Danny gunned   
  
the motor on the airboat. "Altogether!" he shouted "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
After boating a couple of miles offshore, Danny stopped the motor so he could check the   
  
co-ordinants on the receiver. "Dude," Jesse said to Trent. "About what you saw back there..."  
  
"If you don't mind, Jesse, I'm trying very hard to forget it."  
  
"Look, I don't want you to get the wrong idea."  
  
"You were on the floor, with my baby sister, both of you half naked and covered in paint.   
  
What sort of ideas would I get from that?"  
  
"Whoa!" interjected Danny. "You scored, Bro? You da man, Jess!"  
  
"I didn't score!" said Jesse. "It was just-you know-foreplay."  
  
"That's even worse." said Trent.  
  
"And, it was really her idea."  
  
"Great. Why don't you go to the men's room at Gas'N'Gulp and write 'For a good time call   
  
Trent's sister' on the wall?"  
  
"I'm just trying to say, I'd never do anything to hurt her."  
  
"Were you going to do anything?"  
  
"Well, I'll never know now." Jesse had an edge of bitterness to his voice.  
  
"Please tell me you were going to use protection."  
  
"Yeah, what did you think the butcher paper was for?"  
  
"That's not what I meant."  
  
"Oh, you mean...Dude, I'm not some freak who carries around condoms hoping to get laid!   
  
Besides, she's never been with anyone and I've never been with anyone so we're both clean."  
  
"Hang on," said Danny. "Jesse, you're still a virgin?"  
  
"And you're not?"  
  
"I'm a 14 year old computer nerd. What do you think? But you are a rock singer-slash-body   
  
builder-slash-super hero. You should be bringing home hot babes night after night. And introducing   
  
me to their little sisters the next day!"  
  
"Sorry." said Jesse. "I'm a one woman man."  
  
"Anyway, Daria's right under us, a few hundred fathoms down." Danny put on his helmet. "Let's   
  
do this." The other two followed suit.   
  
Meanwhile, Nautilus was preparing for his nuptials. "I want Pearl, Pax, Anemone, Azul, Zephyr   
  
and Coral to come with me." He said. "Amphitrite, you and the others prepare my bride."  
  
"As you wish, Your Majesty." she said evenly.  
  
Ichthys and Calliope started brushing Daria's hair and braiding it with sea grass. Daria tried   
  
to break loose. "I wouldn't do that." teased Ichthys. As soon as she broke their grasp, Daria felt   
  
herself being suffocated by sea water. "Now be a good girl and let us fix you up for your wedding."   
  
said the mermaid.  
  
"Ingratful little Drylander." growled Amphitrite. "You're marrying our king. Isn't he good   
  
enough for you?"  
  
"Listen, Ampetheater, or whatever your name is," said Daria. "If you want Upchuck so much,   
  
you can have him! I only agreed to this because he threatened to have some innocent people killed."  
  
Amphitrite sneered. "I don't know what Nautilus sees in you. You are by far the homliest   
  
Drylander I've ever seen."  
  
"I task him." said Daria. "Like Ahab's whale, I task him. That's why he's interested."  
  
"Who is this Ahab?" asked Calliope. "He sounds cute!"  
  
"What's this?" asked Salina, removing Daria's jacket.  
  
"That's mine!" said Daria.  
  
"It's a jacket." said Pelagia. "Really, Salina, how do you expect to blend in with Drylanders   
  
without a modicum of fashion sense? This T-shirt has to go too." Pelagia ignored Daria's protests   
  
as she stripped her. "Amphitrite, would you please find me some scallops so I can make a halter?"  
  
"Scallops?" scoffed Amphitrite. "Mussels are big enough for her."  
  
"Look what I made!" said Hydrangea. She had made a diadem of pearls and attached a veil of   
  
gossamer to it. She placed it on Daria's head. "Here you go." She stuffed a parcel in Daria's arms.  
  
"Just what is this?"  
  
"Why, it's a conch shell stuffed with red algae." Hydrangea replied. "Every mermaid bride   
  
must carry one."  
  
"OK, that's a metaphore Freud would have a field day with."  
  
"Let's put some flower garlands on her." suggested Pelagia.  
  
"Let's not and say we did." Daria suggested.  
  
"Go ahead." said Amphitrite. "It will draw attention away from those barnacles that pass   
  
for breasts. And what are those things on her face?" She snatched her glasses.  
  
"I'm getting fucking sick and tired of people grabbing my things!" said Daria.  
  
"By Neptune, she's as plain as a flounder even without- whatever this is." Amphitrite commented.  
  
Meanwhile, Nautilus was being attended by the other mermaids. Other that his green Speedos,   
  
all he wore was a few necklaces of shark's teethe, a crown of auger shells and a cape made from   
  
an old net "How do I look, ladies?" he asked.  
  
"Oh, so cute!" squealed Pax.  
  
"You're so handsome, Sire." agreed Pearl.  
  
"Don't I know it." God, I love twins! he thought. If Daria doesn't tire me out, I'll spend   
  
some time with them tonight.   
  
"I still think he should wear at least one flower." said Anemone, tucking one behind his ear.  
  
"Mermen don't wear flowers, Anemone." said Azul. "They carry tridents, like this." She gave   
  
Nautilus an iron pitchfork with three prongs.  
  
"Begging your pardon, Your Majesty." said Zephyr. "But why do you want some homely Drylander   
  
who doesn't appreciate your greatness?"  
  
"Yes." said Coral. "Let the silly thing with the big eyes beach herself and take one of us."  
  
"Ah, my dears, you don't understand Dryland women. For them, no means yes. She only resists me   
  
so I'll try harder to win her favor. Ah, Daria, the most beautiful sound I ever heard."  
  
They began another song. This time, to the tune of "Maria" from /West Side Story/.  
  
Nautilus:  
  
The most beautiful sound I ever heard.  
  
Pearl:  
  
Daria,  
  
Pax:  
  
Daria,  
  
Nautilus:  
  
All the beautiful sounds of the world in a single word.  
  
Anemone:  
  
Daria,  
  
Azul:  
  
Daria,  
  
Mermaids:  
  
Daria, Daria, Daria, Daria  
  
Da-ri-a  
  
(They continue singing her name)  
  
Nautilus:  
  
Daria, I'll marry a girl named Daria  
  
And suddenly our game  
  
Of moth to a flame  
  
Won't be  
  
Daria, I'll score with a girl named Daria  
  
We'll cut through all the bull  
  
And together we'll rule  
  
The sea!  
  
Daria!  
  
Says she hates me but I know she's playing  
  
And she's soft, if you know what I'm saying.  
  
Daria,  
  
Tonight I'll be laying  
  
Daria!  
  
The couple was brought together in the throneroom of the castle. "My, don't you look lovely."   
  
Nautilus complimented Daria.  
  
"Just when I thought the copulatory symbols couldn't be more blatent." she said, taking in   
  
the auger shells, shark's teethe and trident. She shuddered involuntarily when Nautilus took her hand.  
  
"As king, I will officiate our wedding. I, King Nautilus VII, do take you, Daria, to be my   
  
wife and queen forever and always." Daria choked on an urge to scream. "And do you, Daria, take   
  
me as your husband and king, forever and always?"  
  
Daria wanted to say "Hell no, you greasy son of a squid!" Then she thought of the vengeful   
  
rage Nautilus would go into. He would hurt innocent people. Perhaps even the people she cared for   
  
the most. "Well....well, I-I-I...."  
  
"She does not!" Trent shouted, coming through a window. "Wow, I've always wanted to say   
  
that!" Jesse stood by him. Daria was never happier to see these two.  
  
"Mermaids, ATTACK!!!" Nautilus ordered. Trent fought them off easily.  
  
"Not so tough without your guns, are you?" he asked. He saw Jesse having trouble. A pair of   
  
mermaids who could've been twins seemed to be hugging him to death. "Dammit, Jesse, you can do   
  
better than that!"  
  
"But they're girls!"  
  
"Oh for..." Trent pulled the twins off him and stretched a hand out to Daria. She grasped it.  
  
"You fool!" said Nautilus. "Without contact with a merperson, she'll drown!"  
  
Daria's lungs were already bursting from pressure. But she didn't care. This was still better   
  
than a lifetime under the sea with Nauseous and his harem. Trent took a deep breath and held it.   
  
He put his helmet on Daria's head and began to swim for the surface. Halfway up, Daria held her   
  
breath and returned the helmet.  
  
"No! I will not have this!!" screamed Nautilus. He let out a scream of pure rage. A whirlpool   
  
begin to form around him. Jesse saw what was happening, and knew it wasn't good. He broke free from   
  
the affectionate mermaids and swam for the surface.  
  
"Head for the boat!" he shouted. "He's gonna blow!"  
  
Just as they got on the boat, a vortex of water formed on the surface, towering them. Nautilus   
  
sat on top, waving his trident. "I WILL HAVE DARIA, OR NO ONE WILL!!!" he thundered.  
  
Jane could see the tsunami from the dock where she had been waiting. "Better go help." she   
  
decided. "Flame on!" She flew out to where the trouble was.  
  
"Upchuck," she said when she saw the new sea king. "When will you learn that no means no?"  
  
"Upchuck is no more! I am King Nautilus! I suggest you leave. You know what water does to fire."  
  
"And I know what fire can do to water!" She began to zip around the whirlpool, getting her   
  
flames as hot as she could.  
  
"What are you doing?" he demanded. The water under him began to boil. "Ow! Stop this at   
  
oooooooooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnce!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" The whirlpool had vaporized,   
  
leaving the king without his throne.  
  
"Gun it, Danny!" yelled Jesse. Jane followed the speeding airboat to land.   
  
"Next time!" swore Nautilus. "I'll get her next time!"  
  
Back at Casa Lane, Jane offered to find some clothes for Daria to change into. Jesse and   
  
Danny went home to store the helmets away. "Ya know, Daria," said Trent. "You actually look kinda   
  
cute dressed like that."  
  
"I do not." she contested. "I look like the bride of Swamp Thing."  
  
"Daria, listen," he said. He sang to the tune of "Suddenly Seymoure" from /Little Shop of Horrors/.  
  
Trent:  
  
Lift up your head  
  
Take off that tiara  
  
Here, use this hairbrush  
  
Wipe that seaweed away  
  
Show me your face  
  
Clear as the morning  
  
I know things were bad  
  
but now they're OK  
  
Suddenly Trent Lane  
  
Is standing beside you  
  
You don't need no sea shells  
  
Your own sweet self will do  
  
Suddenly Trent Lane  
  
Is here to provide you   
  
Sweet understanding  
  
Trent Lane's there for you  
  
Daria:  
  
Nobody ever  
  
Treated me kindly  
  
Daddy's a dumass  
  
Mama's a lawyer  
  
I knew a guy  
  
Who was spineless and slimy  
  
He'd snap his fingers  
  
And I'd say "Up yours."  
  
Suddenly Trent Lane  
  
Is standing beside me  
  
He don't give me orders  
  
He don't condescend  
  
Suddenly Trent Lane   
  
Is here to provide me  
  
Sweet understanding  
  
Trent Lane's my friend  
  
Trent:  
  
Tell me this feeling  
  
Will last till forever  
  
Tell me the bad times  
  
Are clean washed away  
  
Daria:  
  
Please understand that  
  
It's still strange and frightning  
  
For misery chicks  
  
This is hard to say  
  
Suddenly Trent Lane  
  
Is here beside me  
  
Suddenly Trent Lane  
  
Showed me I can  
  
Trent:  
  
Yes you can!  
  
Daria:  
  
I sing the refrain  
  
Both:  
  
Of the girl that's inside me/you  
  
Daria:  
  
With sweet understanding  
  
Trent:  
  
With sweet understanding  
  
Both:  
  
With sweet understanding!  
  
Trent Lane's my/your man.......  
  
(They kiss and fade out)  
  
IN THE NEXT ISSUE OF THE FORMIDABLE FOUR:  
  
"Boo-hoo. It's Valentine's Day and no one loves me."  
  
"I don't even like tortillas."  
  
"I kinda gathered that when you screamed out my name and nearly crushed my ribs."  
  
"I hope nothing, like, bad happens to me."  
  
"You come back here and date me, dammit!"  
  
"Gregory, I want you to perform a cavity search on this man!"  
  
(A/N) This one was a two-parter because the song parodies take up so much space. So do credits,  
  
but here they are anyway. /Les Miserables/ belongs to Alain Boublil, Claude-Michel Schonberg and  
  
Herbert Kretzner. /Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat/ belongs to Andrew Lloyd Webber  
  
and Tim Rice. /Beauty and the Beast/ and /Little Shop of Horrors/ belong to Alan Menken and Howard   
  
Ashman. /Phantom of the Opera/ belongs to Andrew Lloyd Webber, Charles Hart and Richard Stulgoe.   
  
/Cats/ belongs to Mr. Webber and T.S. Eliot. /West Side Story/ belongs to Leonard Bernstein and   
  
Stephen Soundheim. 


	9. Diamonds are 10 to 20

Fanfiction Four VIII:Diamonds are 10-20  
  
Respectfully dedicated to the memory of Robert Stack.  
  
For once, it seemed the Formidable Four would have a quiet night at Casa Lane. Trent had rented an armload of videos from Lackluster.   
  
Jane was adding a new article to her scrapbook. She pasted an AP photo of Daria haulting Hurricane Andrew Lloyd with her inviso-shield next   
  
to an article whose headline read "FF Foils Computer Bandit." (Weeks before, they had caught a thief in the act of stealing computers from an   
  
internet cafe.) Jesse and Daria ate snacks and watched /Fleshmonster/.  
  
"Oh no!" said the ditzy girl in the movie. "All my sorority sisters are, like, naked and decapitated. Something's not right here."  
  
"Well duh!" said Daria.  
  
"And people think I'm stupid." said Jesse.  
  
"I hope nothing, like, bad happens to me." mused the next victim. "I know! I'll take a shower!"  
  
"Cool," said Trent. "This is my favorite scene."  
  
"Mine to." said Daria. "The stupid bitch dies."  
  
"Do we have anymore popcorn, Jane?" asked Jesse.  
  
"I think so. Hold on, I wanna show you something." Jane got up and went to the kitchen. She brought back an unpopped bag of popcorn.   
  
"It took some practice, but check it out. Flame on!" She held the bag between her hands. The flames didn't shoot out as usual. Jane just seemed to   
  
glow red from heat for awhile. Popping sounds filled the air. The bag fluffed out in less than a minute. "Ding!" Jane produced a bag of popcorn.   
  
"A couple pieces might be scorched, but it's mostly good."  
  
"Any more sodas, Janey?" asked Trent.  
  
"Sorry, we're out."  
  
"Jesse, time for you to go on a junkfood run." said Trent.  
  
"Why me?"  
  
"Cuz I did it last time."  
  
"Fine, but could you toss in some cash? I'm a little short."  
  
"Can't you just crush some coal into diamonds?" asked Jane.  
  
"I don't wanna devaluate the market." Daria smiled to herself. It wasn't long ago that she would've been surprised that Jesse could understand   
  
such a concept. "So what's everyone want?"  
  
"Cherry Coke." said Trent.  
  
"Root beer."said Jane  
  
"Pepsi." said Daria.  
  
"Be back soon." Jesse went out.  
  
"Here's a movie for you, Daria!" said Jane, picking up a video. "/Bride of Chuckie/!"  
  
"I'm trying very hard to put that experience behind me, Jane."  
  
Jesse drove to the local Gas&Gulp. Quinn was there along with her three suitors, The 3 J's.  
  
"Please go out with me tonight, Quinn." begged Jeffy.  
  
"Sorry, I'm waiting for Buddy's shift to end here so he can take me out." said Quinn.  
  
"How 'bout tomorrow night?"  
  
"Sorry, I already promised Jervis."  
  
"That's Jamie!" said Jamie.  
  
"Well, if you're going to be snotty about it, date's off!"   
  
"Will you go out with me Quinn?" asked Joey.  
  
"No fair! I asked first!" said Jeffy.  
  
"Guys, don't fight over me!" Quinn giggled.  
  
"Hey," said Jamie. "Check out the long-haired fag getting out of the Range Rover."  
  
"Ha! I could take him on." Jeffy bragged.  
  
"You want us to beat him up for you, Quinn?" asked Joey.  
  
"Ummmm.......OK!"  
  
"Yo! Fag-boy!" yelled Jeffy, giving Jesse a kidney punch. It was like trying to punch a brick wall.   
  
"Mosquitos are out early." Jesse commented. As Jeffy nursed a bruised fist, Joey came running at Jesse. "I really don't have time to play   
  
with you boys." he said, throwing Joey across the lot. Jamie tried to attack him from behind and slapped a crowbar across Jesse's back. Jesse calmly   
  
turned around, took away Jamie's crowbar, and tied it in a bow around the smaller boy's neck. "Now, if you don't mind, I have some shopping to do."  
  
Quinn approached Jesse. "Wow! that was really impressive, what you did back there. Hey, aren't you Hercules? One of the super heros my   
  
sis-uh-cousin hangs out with?"  
  
"You mean Daria?"  
  
"Yeah! What's your real name?" she asked, wrapping her arms around a well muscled arm.  
  
"Uh-Jesse."  
  
"Wow, what a sexy name! I just love guys whose names start with the letter J! Wanna go out with me?"  
  
"Not really." He said it as casually as if she asked him if he liked licorice. "I've got shopping to do."  
  
"Oh, I get it!" said Quinn. "You're playing hard to get! Fine, do your shopping. But don't play to hard. I might not be here when you come out   
  
of the store."  
  
"Cool." Jesse went in the store.  
  
The Three J's staggered back towards Quinn. "Oh, get lost, you children!" she said. "I'm after a real man!" Reluctantly, they left her.  
  
In the Gas&Gulp, Jesse picked up a bag of Ruffles, a bag of Funyuns, can of bean dip, a box of popcorn (triple butter), A Cherry Coke,   
  
Pepsi, Mountain Dew for himself-did Jane like Barq's or A&W? As an afterthought, he decided to pick up a Ding-Dong for Jane.  
  
A teenaged boy rang him up. "Stop right there, Buddy." Said a middle aged man in an apron. "Hercules' money is no good here. Just let   
  
him take it."  
  
"I can pay." said Jesse.  
  
"Forget it." said the man. "He was in here last week. I was manning the store alone when an armed robber busted in. Herc didn't have to   
  
get involved, but he did. He saved the store and quite possibly my life. He didn't even stop to be thanked. Just payed for his gas and left. From now   
  
on, anything Hurcules wants is on me."  
  
"Thanks." said Jesse. "In that case, can I have some beef jerky?"  
  
"Take all you like!"  
  
Buddy bagged Jesse's free groceries. When Jesse walked out, someone was waiting for him. Oh, great. he thought. It's that silly red-head-  
  
Quiggly or Queen or whatever her name is.  
  
"So you've returned." she said. "Ready to go out with me?"  
  
"Nope." He put his groceries in the Range Rover.  
  
"Fine, I'm not to crazy about you anyway. Lots of guys want to go out with me."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Well, if you can't see for yourself, I'm not going to tell you!"  
  
"Cool." Jesse got in his Rover and backed out. Quinn pretended not to care. The vehicle raced down the street.  
  
"You come back here and date me, dammit!" Quinn yelled after him.  
  
"Here you go." Jesse said as he passed out junk food at Casa Lane. "Here's your money back, Trent. The guy at the Gas&Gulp said I could   
  
shop there for free."  
  
"Really? Why?"  
  
"Last week I stopped over to buy some gas when this guy tried to hold the place up. I did that karate chop to the neck Kenji taught us and   
  
busted up the guy's gun. Oh, Jane, I got you something." He gave her the Ding-Dong.  
  
"Hey, Jane," said Daria. "Jesse wants you to eat his Ding-Dong."  
  
"Shut up, Daria." said Jane. "/I'm/ the one who makes the off-color jokes."  
  
"Oh, Daria," said Jesse. "I met your sister and her little friends at the store. She's acting weird."  
  
"As opposed to how she usually acts?"  
  
"Good one, Daria." chuckled Trent.  
  
"Valentine's Day is in a couple of weeks." said Jesse, sitting next to Jane. "Anyone got plans?"  
  
"I hate Valentine's Day." said Trent.  
  
"Ditto." said Daria. "The crass commercialism, the saccharin blend of pink and magenta, the emphasis that you're a dateless loser who   
  
will die a lonely death."  
  
"I hate it cuz it's my stupid birthday." said Trent.  
  
"Oh yeah," said Jane. "That double 2 is sneaking up on you."  
  
"Could be worse." said Jesse. "You could've been born on Christmas."  
  
"I promise, Trent." said Daria. "No frosted pink cupcakes this year."  
  
Meanwhile, The 3 J's were in their secret headquarters, aka, Jeffy's basement. The walls were full of Quinn memorabilia. "How dare he!"   
  
Jeffy asked rhetorically. "How dare this undocumented J infringe on our Quinn! This is unacceptable!" Jamie looked for some tools to get rid of   
  
the crowbar around his neck.  
  
"Uh, I think he's more of an H than a J." said Joey. "His super name is Hercules."  
  
"Well, if you're so smart," said Jeffy. "why don't you figure out a way to get Quinn to like me-uh-us again?"  
  
"We can make him look bad." Joey suggested.  
  
"How?'' asked Jeffy. "He's a super hero with unmatched strength. Practically a celebrity."  
  
"And I've heard he visits sick kids in the hospital." said Jamie, trying to free himself from his iron collar with a pair of bolt cutters. "Chicks   
  
go wild for that sensitive male crap."  
  
"And he's really good-looking." said Joey. His friends stared at him. "What? I'm not saying /I/ find him attractive!"  
  
"We've gotta find some way to bring him down." said Jeffy. "If Quinn hasn't come to her senses and agreed to go with at least one of us   
  
to the Sweetheart's Ball by Valentine's Day, drastic measures will be taken!"  
  
In the weeks that followed, The 3 J's did all they could to bring down Jesse. Quinn actively sought out Jesse's company. He was just too   
  
shy to tell her to go away, so he put up with her. One day, Quinn was walking beside Jesse, telling him all about the hot pink Scrunchie she got for   
  
the Sweetheart's Ball and dropping some hints that she was still looking for a date. The 3 J's ambushed them commando style and peppered Jesse   
  
with paintballs. Unfortunatly, their aim was poor and Quinn got splattered. She threw a Kamehameha hissy fit, scaring everyone away- including Jesse.  
  
Joey tried sugaring his gas tank. Jesse caught him in the act and punished Joey by forcing him to eat the entire bag of sugar in one sitting. Jeffy   
  
tried the midnight pizza delivery trick. It didn't work. Every pizza place seemed to be familiar with Jesse Moreno. Jamie tried egging his house. Jesse   
  
caught him and made him clean up the mess- with his tongue. Valentine's Day came and Quinn still refused to talk to any of the J's.  
  
Valentine's Day fell on a Friday that year. On the way to homeroom, Brittany stopped Daria in the hall. "Look Daria!" she said, practically   
  
shoving a fluffy pink teddy bear in her face. "Look what my Kevvie got me for Valentine's Day! What did you get?"  
  
"Um, nothing."  
  
"Nothing! Not a thing for Valentines? Oh, Daria, that's so sad!"  
  
"I'll get over it."  
  
It started out like every Valentine's Day. Girls who usually went out of their way to ostracize Daria suddenly wanted to show her all the   
  
goodies they got for Valentines. Just to rub it in her face. Then the delivery man showed up. "I'm looking for a Daria (He pronounced it to rhyme   
  
with Mariah) Morjendoffer and a June Lanny."  
  
"That's us." sighed Jane. The man gave Daria a single perfect red rose in a tasteful glass vase. He gave Jane a box that held a Dove's   
  
solid chocolate rose.  
  
"Oh my God!" exclaimed a surprised Stacy. "/Daria/ got a Valentine!"  
  
"I could almost see some guy having a little crush on Jane." said Brooke. "But Daria?"  
  
"Stop, all your complements are giving me a swelled head." Daria deadpanned.  
  
"Oh, read the card! Read the card!" Stacy was practically wetting herself.  
  
"It says 'For my mermaid, love Trent.'" The girls practically swooned.  
  
Later in the hall, The 3 J's paid their homage to Quinn. "I made you this Valentine myself, Quinn." said Joey. "Cheapskate!" said Jeffy.   
  
"Quinn, I bought this big bouquet of roses, just for you!" Jamie shoved him aside. "Quinn, I got you a big box of candy."  
  
"Ugh, get that away from me!" said Joey, remembering the sugar incident.  
  
"Look, guys," said Quinn. "You're sweet, but I've got my mind set on...him!" She opened her locker to reveal a shrine to Jesse "Hercules" Moreno.  
  
"Look, Quinn." said Joey. "He's not in high school any more. I doubt if he wants to come to the Sweetheart's Ball."  
  
"Are you saying he's to good for me, Joey?" she asked, pointedly.  
  
"No! It's just..."  
  
"If my loser sis-uh-cousin can have an older boyfriend, then by golly so can I! Jesse will come around and see that I'm totally right for him."  
  
"Guess again." said Jane from behind. She still had her chocolate rose and the card it came with. "Read it and weep."  
  
"Sweets for my sweet." Quinn read. "Love, Jesse. WHAT!?"  
  
"Gotta admit." said Jane. "The guy knows what I like." Quinn ran to the lady's room before anyone could see her mascara run.  
  
"That rat bastard made Quinn cry!" said Jeffy. "And for that, he must pay!" They huddled up to form their diabolical plan.  
  
After school, Jesse picked up the girls and his brother. The four of them chipped in for a cake. In emerald green frosting, the bakers wrote   
  
"Happy 22nd Birthday, Brent."- untill our heros sent it back to be corrected.  
  
At Casa Lane, the Formidable Four (plus one) ate cake and gave Trent presents. "I wasn't sure what you'd like," said Danny. "But, Jesse   
  
likes Creed and I thought you might to." His gift had been a CD.  
  
"Thanks. I do like them."  
  
Jane got him an Anthrax CD. Jesse got him a Panterra CD. Daria was smart. She got him a CD caddy. "Thanks Daria." he said. "I got you   
  
something for Valentine's."  
  
"Really, the rose was enough." she said. Trent gave her a gift box. She opened it and found a black leather jacket. She was speechless.  
  
"I thought you might like it." said Trent. "And you probably need one, seeing as how your green jacket is at the bottom of the sea now."   
  
Meanwhile, at the bottom of the sea, Nautilus wept bitter tears in said green jacket.  
  
"I love it." Daria said, kissing Trent's cheek. "But now I feel embarrassed. I got you a birthday present, but no Valentine's present."  
  
"Let me see you wear it." he said. "That will be gift enough."  
  
"Let me get your present, Jesse." Jane went upstairs and brought down a canvas. "I'll finally let you see it." She unveiled her portrait of   
  
Jesse. Somehow, she had managed not only to capture his physical likeness, but the warm gentle person he was inside.  
  
"It's beautiful, Jane." said Jesse, kissing her. "Here's your present." He gave her a pair of heart-shaped diamond earrings.  
  
"Jesse, they're beautiful." Said Jane. "They must have cost you a lot."  
  
"Not really. They were my mother's. She would've wanted you to have them."  
  
"Boo-hoo." said Danny. "It's Valentine's Day and no one loves me."  
  
"I love you, Danny." said Jesse.   
  
"Yeah, but I can't take you to the Sweetheart's Ball." sighed Danny. "I tried asking Quinn. She seemed interested in me when she came   
  
over to sell those phone cards. She said she wanted to go out with Jesse."  
  
"Like Jesse would be caught dead at a high school party." said Trent.  
  
"I'm /in/ high school." said Daria. "And /I/ don't like high school parties."  
  
"Quinn got kinda upset when I showed her the chocolate rose Jesse sent me." said Jane. "What do you think of Quinn, Jesse?"  
  
"You mean the silly red-head? She annoys the hell out of me."  
  
"Here, here." said Daria.  
  
After the cake was squared away, Daria and the Moreno brothers went home. Daria and Jesse returned soon. Daria was wearing her new   
  
jacket with a black silk blouse and black leather skirt she had "borrowed" from Quinn. She carried a suspicious looking brown bag. Jesse wore a   
  
grey ribbed sweater with black jeans and his long hair in a ponytail. He carried a picnic basket. They arrived at almost the same time. Jane was wearing   
  
a blue sweater and skirt set that brought out her eyes and her new earrings. Even Trent was dressed up-by his standards. That meant a buttoned   
  
denim shirt and fairly new jeans.  
  
"Jesse and I are going to the beach for a picnic." said Jane. "What do you two have planned-or is that none of my business?" She cocked   
  
an eyebrow at Daria.  
  
"I'm gonna show her how I make my famous Bisquik pizza." said Trent.  
  
"I sneaked some wine from my parent's liquor cabinet." said Daria. "Does Merlot go with pepperoni?"  
  
"Daria, you are so /bad/" teased Jane.  
  
Jesse and Jane had their picnic. Jane went through the basket. "Tuna sandwiches, Pringles, root beer, beef jerky, Ding-Dongs-Tic Tacs?"  
  
"I figured you wouldn't want to kiss someone with fish breath."  
  
They ate and talked. Danny was drowning his sorrows on the internet. Jane was happy for Trent and Daria. Jesse wished Quinn would take   
  
a hint and leave him alone. Jane was planning a found objects sculpture. Jesse was planning to visit the children's ward at Cedars of Lawndale   
  
and wanted Jane to come with him.  
  
"I'm afraid I couldn't show them my powers." said Jane. "You know, oxygen tanks and that stuff."  
  
"They just want someone to spend some time with them."  
  
"If they're healthy enough to go outside, I can show them a trick I figured out how to do. It looks more impressive under a night sky."  
  
"Like this one?"  
  
"This is more of a twilight sky, but it will work. Watch. Flame on." Jane turned on her flames and soared into the sky. When she got to   
  
the right altitude she turned her flames on white hot and went into a nose dive, leaving a 12 foot long plume of flame behind her. She turned down   
  
the heat, rose 12 feet and went into another white hot nose dive followed by a right angle. Jesse saw what she was doing. She was sky-writing   
  
with fire. The message read "I LOVE YOU, JESSE." To top it off, Jane surrounded the message with a heart shaped ring. She alit next to Jesse and   
  
turned the flames off.  
  
"I love you to, Jane." he said, taking Jane in his arms. As he held her, he sang.  
  
/If there were no words, no way to speak/  
  
/I would still hear you/  
  
/If there were no tears, no way to feel inside/  
  
/I'd still feel for you/  
  
/And even if the sun refused to shine/  
  
/Even if romance ran out of rhyme/  
  
/You would still have my heart/   
  
/Until the end of time/  
  
/You're all I need, my love,/  
  
/My Valentine/  
  
"Jesse, that was beautiful." said Jane. "You should get Trent to let you do more vocal solos."  
  
"He's better at handling the crowd than I am."   
  
Jane hugged Jesse. "Talk dirty to me in Spanish."  
  
"Besami mucho."  
  
Jane assaulted him with kisses, just as he asked. "You call that dirty?" she teased.  
  
"What do you want me to say? Jodidami mucho?"   
  
"It's official. You know more Spanish than I do."  
  
"That was a word they don't teach you in Spanish class."  
  
"Te amo, Jesse."  
  
"Te amo, Janey." They kissed, falling to the sand beneath them. Jane used one hand to work the band that held Jesse's hair back. Her   
  
other hand slipped under his sweater, caressing him through the thin cotton shirt he wore underneath. Jesse stopped her. ''I think I need to take   
  
you home."  
  
"Oh. O-OK." Jane said despondantly. I guess he's just not that attracted to me. she thought, as she gathered the remanants of their picnic.  
  
Jesse knelt down to help. "Jane, when I said I needed to take you home, I meant my home."  
  
Jane kissed him. They hurried back to his Range Rover. "What about Danny?" she asked.  
  
"All this time I thought you only liked me." he teased. "Don't worry. Danny said he was going to a friend's house. He might be gone all   
  
night. And Dad will be at his AA meeting until almost midnight."  
  
Jesse took Jane up to his room. "Well, it's in better shape than Trent's." said Jane. Jesse held her close and kissed her deeply. "Can we   
  
turn the lights out?" she asked.  
  
"But I wanna look at you." he murmured.  
  
"You've got all these posters on the wall. I feel like I'm being watched."Jesse turned off the lights and turned on the Tiffany lamp Jane   
  
made him for Christmas. "Perfect."  
  
And now, the Watcher will draw the curtain on the two lovers and focus on the dibolical doings of The 3 J's.  
  
"It's like this." said Jeffy, as they schemed in their lair. "My mom's got some real expensive diamond jewelry. We'll plant it on Muscle Man   
  
and make it look like he stole it." He showed them an exquisite necklace and bracelet set he pilfered from his own mother.  
  
"We gotta come up with a better story than that." said Jamie.  
  
"I got it!" said Joey. "Jeffy, you'll say you were in the living room-um-doing your homework or something when Hercules tore down the   
  
door, beat the smack out of you, took your mom's jewels and left."  
  
"Sounds good." said Jeffy. "But the cops'll think something's up when I obviously haven't been beat up or anything." Joey and Jamie   
  
grinned. "Oh, no!"  
  
"It's for a good cause!" said Joey, slugging Jeffy in the jaw. After Jeffy was sufficiently black and blue, Joey and Jamie tore the front door   
  
off it's hinges and drove to the Moreno house.  
  
"Ugh." said Jamie. "I can still taste those eggs he made me lick up."  
  
"Quiet, dude." whispered Joey. In his passionate haste, Jesse hadn't thought to lock the door. It was half past midnight. Danny had stayed   
  
at his friend's house. Luis had to be the designated driver for a fellow AA member who fell off the wagon. The two J's snuck into Jesse's room. They   
  
were aware of a slumbering lump on the bed. Jane was enveloped in blankets and her lover's arms. The tresspassers did not see her. They tucked   
  
the diamonds in his beureau drawer and slinked away.  
  
The next morning, Jane woke up in Jesse's arms. She kissed him awake. "Good morning." she said sweetly.  
  
"Good morning." he said and kissed her. "God, last night, that was the best night of my life."  
  
"I kinda gathered that when you screamed out my name and nearly crushed my ribs."  
  
"Sorry. I forget how strong I am sometimes. I didn't really hurt you, did I?"  
  
"I just had the wind knocked out of me. I'm fine, really." She snuggled up to him.  
  
"But you were-you know-bleeding."  
  
"That happens sometimes. I'm OK." She kissed him. He kissed back and rolled on top of her. "Hold on, big guy." she said. "Not untill you   
  
get another one of those." She pointed to a box of condoms on his nightstand. Jesse grabbed one.  
  
After they made love, they showered together and went down stairs. Jane redressed in her blue outfit from the night before. Jesse threw   
  
on a T-shirt and some jeans. Jesse was in the kitchen mixing up batter for French toast. "So, you wanna do anything later?" Jane asked, microwaving   
  
some syrup.  
  
"Do you?" he asked, turning the bread.  
  
"I'd like to go home and change into something more casual first."  
  
"You think Daria might still be there with Trent?"  
  
"Maybe she gave him a birthday spanking."  
  
They had eaten breakfast and had just put the dishes away when the doorbell rang. Jesse opened it to find two men in suits. "Sorry, we   
  
don't need any religious pamphlets today." He tried to close the door. The older looking man put his foot in the door and flashed a badge. "Agent   
  
Flemming, ATF. Are you Jesse Moreno, AKA Hercules?"  
  
"Um, yeah."  
  
"We have reason to believe you commited a B&E on the Jones residence, assaulted Jeffery Jones Jr. and commited grand theft by absconding   
  
with Jaquelyn Jones' diamond jewelry."  
  
"That's ridiculous!" he said.  
  
"Will you sign this search warrent, then?" asked the other man.  
  
"I have nothing to hide." Jesse signed the warrent.  
  
"Who's the tomato?" asked Flemming, indicating Jane.  
  
"That's my friend's sister, Jane. The two of them came over yesterday and she left her purse here."  
  
Why is he lying? thought Jane. I don't even own a purse.  
  
"Dressed awful nice." Flemming observed.  
  
"She's on her way to a job interview. That's why she needs her purse."  
  
He's one of the coolest liars I've ever seen. thought Jane.  
  
"Can't find anything down here." said the other agent who had been searching the living room. "Mr. Moreno, I'm going to have to ask  
  
you to show me your bedroom."  
  
Jesse showed them the room. "Someone likes their rock and roll." Flemming commented. Then he looked in the wastbasket and brought   
  
out some forceps. "What do we have here?" he asked, pulling out a used condom.  
  
"I went out to club last night and picked up a girl." Jesse shrugged. "She left this morning. I don't remember her name and I don't know   
  
where she is."  
  
Flemming hummed suspiciously and looked at Jane, just at the threshold. "How old are you?" he asked.  
  
"Old enough to know better." said Jane.  
  
"Don't get smart with me, Missy!"  
  
"She had nothing to do with this." said Jesse. "I'll get her purse so she can go home." Jesse went into the master bedroom and a few minutes   
  
later brought out a black leather clutch purse. He gave it to Jane and touched her hand. "You might wanna go through it later." he said. "To make sure   
  
everything is there."  
  
Jane choked back tears. This was not how she wanted to leave Jesse, but it seemed they had no choice. As she went down stairs she heard   
  
one of the agents say "I found them, Flemming. In the beaureu."  
  
"I-I-I didn't do it! I don't know how they got there!"  
  
"Oh, and I suppose it was the one armed man!" said Flemming. "And speaking of one arm, Gregory, I want you to perform a cavity search   
  
on this man."  
  
"But, we found the diamonds, Flemming." Gregory protested.  
  
Jane ran outside and started walking home. I can't believe this. she thought. Jesse, after all he's done for this shithole of a town, is going   
  
to be arrested for something he didn't do. I should've told them he was with me that night. Fooling around with a minor can't be as bad as grand   
  
theft, can it? I'm not that young. I'll be 18 in October. She forgot how far October was from February. He told me to go through the purse. Was he   
  
trying to tell me something? She opened the clutch. All that was inside was a driver's liscense that expired ten years ago made out to a Mary Lillian   
  
Moreno and a scrap of paper. It turned out to be a hastily written note.  
  
/Jane, I don't know what's going on, I just know it's bad. I don't want you to get involved. Don't worry about me. I love you, Jesse./  
  
Tears sprang to Jane's eyes. "Dammit, Jesse." she whispered. "Can't you see I'm already involved?"  
  
Jane came home and went up to Trent's room. To her surprise, he was in bed, alone. She woke him up. "Trent" she said, waking him. "Jesse's   
  
been arrested."  
  
"Huh? whadid he do?"  
  
"They said he broke into someone's house last night, beat up some kid and took some diamonds. They found the jewels in his room but   
  
I know he didn't do it. I was with him last night. The enitire night." She broke down crying. Trent held her, tried to comfort her. The phone quacked.   
  
Trent picked up.  
  
"Trent, it's me, Jesse." the familiar voice on the line said. "I've been arrested."  
  
"Janey told me all about it." Trent responded.  
  
"They set my bail pretty high, so I won't ask you to pay it. I just wanna know if Janey's OK."  
  
"Um, she's fine." Since when does he call her Janey? he briefly wondered. "She's kinda upset, but she's right here."  
  
"Can I speak to her?"  
  
"Sure." Trent handed the phone to Jane.  
  
"Jesse," she said. "Just tell them you were with me last night. You know I'll vouch for you."  
  
"Janey, that could get us both in a lot of trouble."  
  
"We're talking grand theft, Jesse. Ten to twenty. My parents don't give a damn about what I do and last I heard they were somewhere in   
  
Malta anyway. I'm 17, not 12 so they may go easy on you. Look, just don't lie at the trial. Purjury can get you in more trouble than you can get out of."  
  
"I understand."  
  
"Daria's mom's a lawyer. We'll talk to her."  
  
"I love you, Jane."  
  
"I love you too, Jesse."  
  
That afternoon, Jesse's teammates visited him in county lock-up. They all shared a collective gasp of shock. Jesse was in prison blues, wearing   
  
a strange choker with a red bauble on it, and his light brown hair had been cut unattractivly short. "Lemmee guess." he said. "You don't like my new hair cut."  
  
"It's-um-different." said Jane.  
  
"That choker looks familiar." said Trent.   
  
"Japanese import." said Jesse. "It's a pacifier like the one QB Doom used on you. They don't want me bending the bars and escaping. I hear they   
  
use these in some game show called /$la$her$/. Japanese game shows make /Fear Factor/ look like /The Price is Right/."  
  
"Jesse," said Daria. "For you, I've done something I try very hard not to do. I talked to my mother. She said she call as soon..." Her cell   
  
phone rang. " "That's probably her." She answered the phone. "Hello? Yes, Mom, we're all here in the visitation room with Jesse. You're here? Good.   
  
We'll see you soon."  
  
Helen came in soon. "Jesse Moreno?" she said to him. "Helen Morgendorfer." She gave him her card. "You have some serious offences   
  
against you, young man."  
  
"I didn't do it."  
  
"Of course you didn't. I've contacted a few colleagues and we are assembling a dream team of attorneys for you, Mr. Moreno." She   
  
opened the door, letting in a thin black man with glasses and a brief case. Oh no, thought Daria. Not /him/!  
  
"If the man is super strong, then he can do no wrong!" said Johnny Cochrain. "Mr. Moreno, I am here to get you off! Your name is Moreno,   
  
right? We'll just tell the jury a nice sob story about your life as a migrant farm worker. Drifting from farm to farm, struggling to pick enough grapes to   
  
buy tortillas for your family, the language barrier, racial discrimination...."  
  
"Mr. Cochrain," said Jesse. "My father's from Madrid, Spain. I was born right here in Lawndale. I've never picked grapes in my life. I don't   
  
even like tortillas."  
  
"You're gonna have to work with me, Mr. Moreno. How else do you expect to get out of jail?"  
  
"By being innocent."  
  
Cochrain suppressed a laugh. "Well, that's a new one on me. Innocent!"  
  
That night at the prison, Jesse's cell mate, Rolex, talked him into going to the weight room. "Look everyone!" said Rolex. "Look how much   
  
this mother can lift!" Jesse obliged everyone by benchpressing every weight in the room.  
  
"Hey, Hercules," said one of the prisoners. Jesse got off the bench to look at him. "I'm Adam Foy, better known as The Computer Bandit.   
  
You put me in here!" He swung. Jesse ducked and did a sweep kick. Foy ran at him, screaming in rage. Jesse merely sidestepped him.  
  
"Don't fuck with him, Foy." said Rolex. "Herc could tear you a new one!"  
  
Foy didn't listen. He continued to fight Jesse. Jesse grabbed his hands so he couldn't strike. A severe shock went through him, causing   
  
him to drop Foy.  
  
"That's enough trouble out of you, Moreno!" said the guard with the controller. "Back to your cell."  
  
"But I..."  
  
"Just do what boss-man says, Herc." said Rolex. "It's easier that way."  
  
That night Jesse lay awake on his bunk. Rolex snored nearby. Rolex wasn't so bad- for a convict. Just burglary and pot possesion. Nothing   
  
perverted. Someone in the next cell started chanting "Fish, fish, fish..." untill a guard cracked a baton against the bars. Jesse tried to sleep. About   
  
midnight someone down the hall screamed for his mother. Prison made even the toughest convicts cry out in the dead of night. Jesse kept his tears   
  
to himself. He fondly remembered his last night of freedom. Would he ever hold Jane again? He remembered tenderly cradling Jane before they went   
  
to sleep together and singing to her.  
  
/I've dreamed of this a thousand times before/  
  
/But in my dreams I couldn't love you more/  
  
/I will give you my heart until the end of time/  
  
/You're all I need, my love, my Valentine/  
  
The trial began the next day. Jesse met with his lawyers, Helen Morgendorfer, Johnny Cochrain, and a new guy named Joe Adler. "This   
  
is obviously a false accusation and a miscarriage of justice." said Adler. He ticked the names off on his fingers."Moreno, we are going to sue   
  
Jeffy Jones, we are going to sue Agent Flemming, we are going to sue Agent Gregory, we are going to sue...."  
  
"Oh, for the love of God, we're not suing anybody!" said Helen. Adler looked like he had been told there was no Santa Claus. "Now,   
  
Jesse, we need to know where you were on the 14th. Remember, anything you said to the arresting officers /before/ you were read your rights is   
  
null and void."  
  
"I'd rather not say."  
  
"Anything you say to your attorney is in strict confidence." said Helen.  
  
"I was with Jane that night."  
  
"Daria's little friend?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"What times that night were you with her?"  
  
"Um, the whole night."  
  
"Oh. I see." Helen made a mental note to have "The Talk" with Daria later. "How old is Jane?"  
  
"She turned seventeen last October."  
  
"Boy," said Cochrain. "Whatcha otta do is take your girl down to Georgia. In that state, if she's old enough to bleed, she's old enough to breed!"  
  
Helen gave him a disgusted look. "It's my understanding," she continued."That the Lanes are negligent and often absentee parents. Jane   
  
is, frankly, only a little underaged. Many people would be looking at a lifetime as a registered sex offender, but we may be able to get around that,   
  
considering your record. Now, will Jane be willing to vouch for your wherebouts?"  
  
"Yeah." he sighed.  
  
Jane rushed in. "Can it wait, Jane?" asked Helen. "This is supposed to be a private meeting."  
  
"Jesse," said Jane. "Look out the window." Outside was a group of protesters. They bore signs reading "Free Hercules." He recognized   
  
some of the protesters. Some were children he visited in the hospital, some in wheelchairs. He recognized the guy from the Gas&Gulp. There was   
  
Axl from the tattoo parlor. Nick and Max were there. They all chanted /3,6,9, Jesse did not do the crime!/  
  
"Kinduva sloppy rhyme." Jane commented.  
  
The transport to the court house was a media frenzy. Flashbulbs cracked. Diana Wolfgang got in Jesse's face. "Hercules, did you steal   
  
Mrs. Jones' jewels?" she demanded.  
  
"No I did not." he said.  
  
"I believe you, Hercules." said a small voice. Jesse looked down. It was Astrid, the little girl who named him. "I know you wouldn't do that."  
  
Jesse gave her a smile. If only everyone had the same faith in him.  
  
Later. "Oyez, oyez. The court of the honorable judge Desmond Kinkaid now presiding."  
  
Not long after the swearing in, Jodi bursted in the courtroom. "He's innocent!" she yelled. "I have proof!"  
  
"Bailiff, restrain that girl." said Judge Kinkaid.  
  
"Your Honor," said Helen. "May I speak with this girl? I'll be brief."  
  
"You may."  
  
Minutes later, Helen said "The defence calls Jodi Landon as witness." Jodi took the stand. "Miss Landon, where were you on the night   
  
of February 14?"  
  
"My boyfriend, Michael MacKinzie, was walking me home. We had dinner at Bennigins. We were in my front yard looking at the stars when   
  
we saw some fire in the sky."  
  
"Fire, you say?''  
  
"Big plumes of it, taking the shape of letters in the sky. I ran inside and got my digital camera. These are the photos." She handed some   
  
photos over to Helen.  
  
"I'd like to submit these photos to the jury, your Honor." Kinkaid acquiesented. "The jury will please note the date and time on the photos.   
  
Jodi, would you describe the pictures for the court?"  
  
"The flames spelled out 'I love you, Jesse.' We knew Jane was the only one with the power to sky-write with fire and she had received a   
  
chocolate rose from Jesse that day. I probably wasn't the only one who saw those firey letters. I thought it was a sweet gesture."  
  
"No further questions for this witness."  
  
"Permission to cross examine." said prosecuter Dale Blake. It was granted. "Miss Landon, at what time did you see this message in the sky?"  
  
"Just after sunset. It says 5:45 on the digital photos."  
  
"And did you actually /see/ either Miss Lane or Mr. Moreno?"  
  
"Well, no. I guess Jane was to high up for me to see her. I know it was in the eastern sky."  
  
"Is it possible that Mr. Moreno was not in the area? Or if he was, left soon after?"  
  
"Objection," said Helen. "Calls for speculation."  
  
"Sustained. Get to the point, Blake."  
  
"Miss Landon, do these photos prove where Jesse Moreno was at about midnight, February 14?"  
  
"No, I guess not." Jodi sighed.  
  
"No further questions."  
  
The prosecution called Jeffery Jones Jr. to the stand. He had a black eye. "I was doing my homework in the living room." said Jeffy. "Mom   
  
and Dad went out to dinner at Chez Pierre. Suddenly, the door busted down. And-and /he/ came in." Jeffy made a good show of looking afraid.  
  
"Is /he/ in the court room?" asked Blake. Jeffy pointed out Jesse. "Let the record show that the witness indicated the defendant."  
  
"He just busted in and started to beat me up. He was a madman, I thought he was going to kill me! When he was done, he went upstairs   
  
and came back down with my mom's jewelry. I tried to stop him, but he knocked me down. I must've passed out. When I came to, I called the police   
  
and told them what happened."  
  
"My poor, brave baby!" wailed Mrs. Jones.  
  
"Mr. Jones," said Helen in the cross examining. "Are you aware that The defendant could snap your spine like a twig if he wanted?"  
  
"I-I guess."  
  
"So why did he not kill you?''  
  
"Objection," said Blake. "Speculation."  
  
"Sustained."  
  
"No further questions. The defence calls Jesse Moreno." Jesse took the stand. "Jesse, where were you on the night of the14th?"  
  
Jesse broke into a cold sweat. Don't be nervous. he told himself. You'll look guilty. "I was with my girlfriend, Jane Lane. We had a picnic   
  
by the beach. She did the sky-writing that Jodi saw."  
  
"And then what did you do?" prompted Helen.  
  
Jesse took a sip of water. "We-ah-made out for awhile."  
  
"And then?"  
  
"I took her home."  
  
"Your own home?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Did she spend the night with you?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
Blake cross examined Jesse. "So, you're saying you spent the whole night with an underaged girl."  
  
"Objection." said Helen. "Irrelevant."  
  
"Sustained."  
  
Blake smiled. "Could she account for your wherebouts for the /whole/ night? Did she, by any chance, fall asleep so she wouldn't know   
  
exactly where you were?"  
  
"I've got a pretty narrow bed. She fell asleep in my arms. If I got out of bed, it would've woke her up."  
  
"So you admit you slept with an underaged girl?"  
  
"Objection!" shouted Helen.  
  
"No more questions." said Blake. "Prosecution calls Agent Aaron Flemming to the stand."  
  
As Agent Flemming gave his testimony, Daria got an idea. "Trent, come with me." she whispered. "We need to do some investigating."  
  
"Should we bring Janey?" he whispered.  
  
"No, she's probably going to be called as a witness. We'll stop at my house and grab a camera."  
  
Trent drove Daria to the Jones house. It was roped off with yellow tape reading "CRIME SCENE, DO NOT ENTER."   
  
"We better park somewhere else." said Daria, noting a police cruiser not far from the house. "I can get us past the cop." Trent parked the   
  
next street over.  
  
"So, how you gonna get us past the cop?" Trent asked.  
  
"Well, they don't call me the Phantom for nothing." She got out of the car. Trent followed. "Take my hand, I'll make us both invisible."   
  
The cop thought he heard someone running through the grass, but he saw no one. He supposed it was only the wind.  
  
They appeared in the living room. "The police probably already dusted for fingerprints. We've gotta look for something they overlooked."  
  
"Daria, about what happened on Valentines..."  
  
"Trent, now is not the time or the place." Daria checked out the door. Trent half expected her to whip out a magnifying glass a la Sherlock   
  
Holmes. "This doesn't look right." she said. "The angle of this door. It looks like it was torn down from the inside."  
  
Trent took a look. He checked out the hinges. "Looks like the Jones had a screw loose."  
  
"Tell me something I don't know."  
  
"I have a reoccurring dream about being in a threesome with Lita Ford and Joan Jett." She gave him an odd look. "That's something you   
  
don't know."  
  
"Well, you're right. These screws look like they were loosened. And look at these stress marks. Wrong side of the door, to begin with.   
  
And it's several little ones. If Jesse wanted to break down a door, he could do it with one hard strike. This door, was more than likely, torn down   
  
by two or three stupid teenaged boys whose names all begin with the letter J."  
  
"Brilliant, Holmes." Trent started taking pictures.  
  
"Elementary, my dear Trent."  
  
Back at the courtroom, Jane was on the stand.  
  
"For the record," she said, "I'd just like to say Jesse didn't make me do anything I didn't want to do. It was all consensual."  
  
"Stop lying for him, you tramp!" shouted Mrs. Jones. "That monster tried to kill my baby!"  
  
Judge Kinkaid pounded his gavel. "Order! Mrs. Jones, one more outburst and you will be asked to leave the courtroom."  
  
Daria and Trent walked in. "Your Honor," said Daria. "I have proof. This is all a frame up."  
  
"Court declares a 30 minute recess." said Kinkaid.  
  
Daria showed the damaging photos to Jesse's lawyers.  
  
When court was back in session, Cochrain passed the photos out to the jury. "You will notice, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, screws   
  
are missing or obviously loosened from their hinges. The angle of the door could only be made by knocking it down from the inside. Those marks   
  
were not made by one of super strength, but perhaps by some healthy teenaged boys.When you see this door, you know what's in store." Helen   
  
looked sick. "We rest our case, your honor."  
  
The jury deliberated. Jesse gulped down one glass of water after another. "This is an outrage!" said Adler. "Mr. Moreno, those punks   
  
have lied about you- under oath! You have suffered much emotional distress because of a cruel prank that could've had you unjustly imprisoned.   
  
But don't worry, I'll get you what you deserve! We are going to sue these boys, we are going to sue their parents, we are going to sue the county,   
  
we are going to sue..."  
  
The jury announced that they had reached a verdict. "Will the defendant please rise?"  
  
The world stood still. "Keep the camera on him, Theo." hissed Diana Wolfgang.  
  
"Yes Ms. Wolfgang."  
  
"We the jury find the defendant, Jesse Ray Moreno, to be...not guilty."  
  
Jesse embraced Jane and anyone else that got close enough. "Lawsuit!" Daria called as Jesse tried to get her in a bear hug.  
  
epilogue:  
  
Jane waited outside the Scissors Wizards. Jesse came out. "Do you like it?" he asked. The top and back had been feathered, giving his   
  
hair a fuller appearance. The sides were trimmed and combed back.   
  
"It looks great." said Jane, kissing him. "It looks better that the jailhouse hack-job they gave you. I think it looked better long, though."  
  
"I know. The stylist said my face was to long. They sold me some vitamin E cream." He showed her the tube. "It should speed things up   
  
a little. How 'bout dinner and a movie?"  
  
"Sure, where do you wanna go?"  
  
"I hear Chez Pierre is good."  
  
"Good and expensive."  
  
"I took Adler's advice and sued the pants off those jerks. They got in a lot of trouble for perjury, but their lawyers got them probation.   
  
Wonder what Mrs. Jones thinks of her baby now."  
  
"They won't bother you for a long time. I don't think fancy French food is my taste. How 'bout TGI Friday's?"  
  
"Cool."  
  
He put his arm around her and they walked to the resteraunt.  
  
IN THE NEXT ISSUE OF THE FORMIDABLE FOUR:  
  
Don't touch me you pervert!  
  
Why the hell am I chained up and naked?  
  
I must have trrrruffles!  
  
Hey, baby, huhhuh, wanna wrestle?  
  
Nah, I got a strict no incest rule.  
  
So- where are the hookers?   
  
(A/N) "My Valentine" belongs to Martina McBride until the end of time. Agent Flemming was a character  
  
from /Beavis and Butthead Do America/. Joe Adler was featured on "Beavis and Butt-Head". People outside  
  
of Texas might not get that he was a satire of a real lawyer named Jim Adler. He bills himself as  
  
"The tough, smart lawyer who will hammer and hammer to get you what you deserve!" The movie the guys  
  
watch at the beginning of the fic is also from B&B. Those lovable miscreants saw it at a drive-in  
  
and I thought it might be on video by now. If you like characters from B&B, you'll love the next fic.  
  
Johnny Cochran is a character from /The OJ Simpson Show/. He was this goofy character who  
  
always spoke in rhyming couplets and...oh, wait, that was real life. Sorry.  
  
I apologize for what I did to Jesse's hair. I love the way long hair looks on guys, but   
  
according to my brother (a former prison guard) men in prison aren't allowed to let their hair  
  
grow long.   
  
Quick Spanish lesson for all you gringos.  
  
Besami mucho= Kiss me bunches.  
  
Jodidami mucho= Fuck me bunches.  
  
Te Amo= I love you. 


	10. Out of Mind

Fanfiction Four XI: Out of Mind  
  
The Watcher will begin by saying this is an account of how Phantom and Flamin' Jane swapped bodies with two miscreants. I will avoid confussion by referring to them by the names their minds are attatched to.  
  
The tale begins in a New York cultural museum. A lithe figure slid down a rope from the   
  
skylight to pilfer an ornate ceremonial mask made of ebony and ivory. A couple of tugs on the   
  
rope, and the mask was stolen. "Good work, Dallas." said the accomplice.  
  
"That was nothing, Sugar," she said, tugging away her ski mask to reveal long blonde hair.  
  
"Now alls we gotta do is geet this to that QB feller, and collect our hunerd thou."  
  
"Why settle for a few thou, Muddy. Another collector could pay even more."  
  
"How 'bout settling for jail time?" said an interloper.  
  
"Damn! Spider-Man!" said Dallas. Muddy fired on him. Spider-Man deftly lept out of the way.   
  
"Missed me! Missed me! Now ya gotta kiss me!" Spider-Man taunted. He tumbled away from another shot. "Enough of this crap!" Spidy shot a web at Muddy. Dallas grabbed the mask and ran. "Not so fast, Blondie!" He persued her across the rooftop, knowing Muddy wasn't going anywhere for at least an hour. When he chased her to the edge, Spidy was sure he had his woman.  
  
"One more step and this priceless artifact is desroyed!" Dallas sneered. Spidy just shrugged and hurled a line of webbing at the mask. One moment of inattention was all it took. Dallas whipped out a pistol and shot Spidy in the shoulder. The mask was knocked from Dallas's hand rather than retrieved. "Look what you made me do!" she said to the wounded superhero. She went for the fire escape.  
  
"Dallas!" cried Muddy. "Come help me!"  
  
"Sorry, shug, you're just dead weight. Girl's gotta look out for herself."  
  
"Goddam bitch!"  
  
"You can say that again." winced Spidy. It was only a flesh wound, but it hurt. And he still had to take the male robber in. He tossed Muddy over his good shoulder, shot out a rope of webbing, and swung away, wondering how he was going to explain another wound to Aunt May.   
  
Meanwhile, on the street below, Mr. VanDriessen led his students back to the hotel. "OK,   
  
what did everyone think of the musical, /Les Miserables/?"  
  
"So touching." said Cassandra. "The pathos, the self sacrifice, the redemption, the introspection."  
  
"It sucked!" Two idiots started laughing. Mr. VanDriessen sighed.  
  
"Beavis, Butt-Head, you're already on my list for stowing away on the spring break trip   
  
while everyone else paid good money. The least you could do is try to take something from this   
  
trip, m'kay?"  
  
"So- where are the hookers?" asked Butt-Head.  
  
"Let's go boys." The two boys lagged behind. Beavis began to sing.  
  
"Master of the house! Quick to catch yer eye! Never wants a passerby to pass him by!"  
  
"Huh-huh, you said 'master'." laughed Butt-Head.  
  
"That was, like, the only cool song in the whole show!"  
  
"Huh-huh, hole. Hey Beavis, let's go dumpster diving."   
  
"Cool!"  
  
They went down into the alley and sifted through bottles, cans and used copies of /The Village Voice/. "Dammit!" said Butt-Head. "New York trash sucks."  
  
"Hey, Butt-Head, check this out!" He held up a white half of a mask.  
  
"It looks like the thing that dude in the mucus-cal VanDriessen dragged us to last night."  
  
"Huh-huh, yeah. That sucked too."  
  
"That Christine chick was pretty hot, though. I 'think of her' -every time I touch myself."  
  
"Mucus-cals suck." said Beavis. "Hey, didn't VanDriessen say we were supposed to take something?"  
  
"Oh yeah, huhuh. Let's take the mask. That would be cool."  
  
They left. Dallas soon came to check the alley. To her chagrin, only the black half of the mask could be found. Whoever took the other half was high on her shitlist.  
  
The next day, Daria and Jane were walking to the Gas&Gulp. "I can't believe spring break is over so soon." said Jane. "We had fun, though. Going to the guys' shows, visiting the kids at   
  
Cedars, even capturing Wart Girl after she broke out of the nut-house was kinda fun."  
  
"If you say so." sighed Daria.  
  
"You're looking glummer than usual."  
  
"I'm having trouble with Trent. I love him, I love being held and kissed by him, but every time his hands start roaming, it feels- creepy."  
  
"This is Trent, right? Not Upchuck or Nauseous or whoever he is now."  
  
"The problem started on Valentine's Day. I remembered he stopped me halfway through my second glass of Merlot. He said he didn't want me to get wasted. Then he kissed me- I mean, really kissed me." Daria paused, remembering how good the kiss was. "I tried to relax and just get carried away, but I couldn't. He started to slide his hand under my skirt and-I just freaked out."  
  
"Daria, were you-you know-molested or anything?"  
  
"What? Jane, my parents are assholes, not monsters!"  
  
"I'm not saying they did anything..."  
  
"Well, they didn't and I wasn't. Here's the problem. I've seen his ex-girlfriend, Monique. She's hot. She could be a model or a movie star if she wanted. To top it off, she kinda looks like Joan Jett, his dream babe. After someone like that, why would he want someone who was dicked over by the puberty fairy? Why go for bologna when you can get steak?"  
  
"You ever see Joan Jett's 'Do Ya Wanna Touch Me?' video, Daria? In the video, Joan wears a bikini and hangs around this beefy muscle-man. The muscle-man's tits were bigger than hers. Some guys like small breasts. Jesse says mine are kinda cute."   
  
"Mine aren't cute or perky or whatever euphamism people use for undersized. They look like a couple of deflated balloons. I'm scrawny with no hips, knobbly knees and a face that would stop a clock. If Trent saw what I really looked like, he wouldn't want me anymore. On the other hand, I risk losing him if I don't let him get past first base."  
  
"Reality check, Daria. It's been a month or so since Valentine's and you're still together, right?"  
  
"I'm not sure anymore. Last night he took me to that new drive-in theater. I should've known better. Who goes to a drive-in to watch a movie? He had his arm around me, then suddenly he had his hands all over me-literally. I think he used his stretch power. I got mad and scared and   
  
confused all at once. I kicked him off me, got out of the car and ran out to the woods. He followed me, calling me. I didn't want to deal with him-so-I went invisible. I think he knew that's what I did, so he got disgusted with looking for me and went back to the car. I took a cab home."  
  
"Daria, maybe he just wanted to appologize. He probably didn't want you to go off by yourself at night into the woods. I've heard stories about that area."  
  
"He stopped in the middle of a clearing and said if I could hear him, he was sorry and was going to wait an hour for me in the car if I wanted a ride home. I just couldn't face him."  
  
"Daria, avoiding him won't get you anywhere. You have to remember, it's not your body Trent's in love with. He loves you and wants to show it. Actually, I wish I had your problem. Lately, it seems like I practically have to rape Jesse to get him to do anything. He says nothing real bad happened to him in prison, especially after he cleaned Foy's clock. He probably has that negative association thing."  
  
"Wanna trade boyfriends?"  
  
"Sorry, I've got a strict no incest policy. C'mon, I'll buy you a Slurpo."   
  
"By the way, Mom had 'The Talk' with me after the trial."  
  
"Poor you."  
  
"She put her hands on my shoulders so I couldn't turn invisible and walk away like I usually do."  
  
"That's- partially my fault, I guess. You like cherry, apple or cola?"  
  
Earlier that morning, Dallas woke up in her car, exhausted from driving all night. She knew she had crossed the Massachusets state line. She knew all she had was her car, her pistol, and the ebony half of the mask. Would the Kingpin pay for it? She knew QB Doom specified that the mask be brough to him in one piece. She checked the gun. One bullet left. That's all she needed to get some quick cash. Dallas put the mask and her gun in her knapsack and left her car in the parking lot she had spent the night in. She walked to the Gas&Gulp thinking "What a revolting development. I haven't knocked over a gas station since I was a kid."  
  
Dallas pushed Jane and Daria aside, drew her gun and demanded all the money in the till.   
  
"Boy, have you picked a bad time to hold up a store." said Jane. "Flame on!" She melted the gun   
  
in Dallas's hand with a small fire ball.  
  
"Why you goddammed bi-!" Daria cut Dallas off with a chop to the back of the neck.  
  
"I'll call the police." said the man behind the counter.  
  
Jane went through the unconscous woman's knapsack. "Wonder what this is?" she said of the   
  
broken black mask.  
  
"Looks like junk to me." said Daria.  
  
"I'll use it in a found art sculpture. It can symbolize how we hide half of our psyche from the outside world- or something."  
  
Jesse and Trent were practicing in Trent's basement. Jesse's hair had grown to ear length   
  
in the past month. He had taken to wearing it in a pony-tail."Something wrong, Trent?" Jesse asked when Trent stopped halfway through "Ice-box Woman".  
  
"I really fucked things up with Daria last night."  
  
"What happened?"  
  
"I-you know-thought with the wrong head."  
  
"Hormone attack, huh? You didn't hurt her or anything?"  
  
"Nah. I could never do that."  
  
"Did you say you were sorry?"  
  
"She wouldn't listen. She threw me off her and ran off. She went invisible so I couldn't   
  
even find her. She probably hates me now." He sat on an old beanbag chair in abject misery.   
  
"Trent, all I can say is you gotta talk to her. I know how /not/ to appologize. Believe me, I've heard enough from my dad. First off, don't try to lay any of the blame on her. Second, don't make excuses. Third, promise never to do it again and mean it."  
  
"Thanks Jess. I'll do that next time I see her. I wish she'd loosen up a little, though. I want us both to enjoy being together."  
  
"I wish I had your problem. Janey's always all over me. Even in public, it's kind of embarrassing. She gets upset when I don't get physical with her. I keep telling her it's not her, it's me." Jesse sighed "Wanna trade girlfriends?"  
  
"Nah, I got a strict no incest rule."  
  
Jane was up in her room working on her found art sculpture. Her glue gun had long since gone into retirement as Jane figured how to melt the glue sticks properly with her own hands. "I've got another problem, Jane." said Daria, sitting on the bed. "Puberty really did screw me over. If I keep rejecting Trent, it probably means I don't have the right hormones. I didn't even get my period until I was almost sixteen."  
  
"Sixteen? I was twelve going on thirteen."  
  
"Plus, it's always been irregular. Sometimes skipping a month. There's a good chance I can't have kids. It never bothered me 'cuz I don't like kids all that much anyway. But, you know how some guys can be about preserving their bloodlines."  
  
"I don't think Trent's worried about that. The Lane bloodline isn't dying off anytime soon. Our sister Summer has two kids-somewhere. Our brother Wind is on the run from three or four paternity suits. Plus, Jesse and me have been talking...."  
  
"About having a baby? Are you crazy?"  
  
"Not right now. He told me last night that I've made him happier than he's ever been, and   
  
he wants to spend his life with me."  
  
"What did you say?"  
  
"Nothing. He told me I didn't have to answer right away. He also thinks it would be a good idea for me to finish school first. He'll understand if I want to go to college first."  
  
"Have you been thinking about it?"  
  
"Yeah. Jesse's the sweetest guy I've ever met. For some reason, I usually find myself in   
  
relationships with dominating, manipulative jerks. Jesse's different. I'm not sure I want to be   
  
with someone who will just want to watch MTV on our honeymoon, though. I guess I wouldn't mind   
  
having kids. He says he loves kids, but isn't sure if he wants to take a dip in his gene pool."  
  
"Considering that if you two had a child, it would probably be a mutant too."  
  
"He's not worried about that. A kid who can bend and arch weld iron girders with his bare   
  
hands isn't a problem. He's worried about breast cancer, alcoholism, suicidal depression...I think I found a place for the mask. Think you could hold it steady while I glue it in place?"  
  
Daria got on the floor to help Jane. "Jane, I think this mask is broken off. See where the edge is kinda jagged?"  
  
"Perfect symbolism." said Jane. "About the pain of being cut off from your better half. Now, hold it steady."  
  
Meanwhile, in Highland, Texas, Beavis and Butt-Head marvelled over their souvenier. "Huhhuh, it's a mask." Butt-Head observed.  
  
"Hey, let me look at it, buttwhipe!"  
  
"No way, monkey spanker!"  
  
Beavis grabbed the mask half Butt-Head was holding just as Daria and Jane touched their   
  
half of the mask. All four experienced a brilliant flash of light.   
  
"Did you see that, Jane?" asked Daria, blinking her eyes. She saw a familiar blonde teenage boy sitting next to her. "No! Not you! I left your dumb ass in Texas!"  
  
"Excuse me, who are you?" asked Jane.  
  
"Dammit, Beavis, don't you remember me? Daria Morgendorfer? The girl who kept you from   
  
flunking science, again."  
  
"Why did you call me 'Beavis'?" asked Jane.  
  
"Cuz it's your name! God, I knew you were stupid, but I thought you'd know your own name.   
  
What the hell are you doing here anyway?"  
  
"Um, you say you're Daria, right?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"I'm Jane."  
  
"Oh crap on a crap cracker."  
  
Meanwhile, in Lawndale, Butt-Head found himself sitting on the floor with a cute girl with black hair. "Whoa! Chick ahoy! Hey, baby, huhhuh, wanna wrestle?"  
  
"Dammit, Daria, I only do it with hot chicks!" Beavis said, reeling back.  
  
"Why the hell did you call me Daria?"  
  
"Cuz that's who you are. I thought you were supposed to be smart or something."  
  
"Uh...let's just make out, babe. Glad that dillweed Beavis isn't around right now. Huh-huh, come to Butt-Head." Butt-Head tried to kiss Beavis. Beavis slapped him.  
  
"I am Beavis, you bunghole!"  
  
"Huh-huh, you're pretty hot for Beavis."  
  
"Yeah, I am." said Beavis, taking a look at his new body. He took off Jane's shirt. "Whoa! I got thingies! Cool!" Beavis went to go pleasure himself infront of a mirror.  
  
Butt-Head looked down Daria's shirt. "Dammit! I got ripped off! These thingies look like   
  
the ones those tribeswomen in /National Geographic/ have. Uh-still kinda cool though."  
  
In Highland, Daria and Jane tried to assess the situation. "OK," said Daria. "Let's try the Sherlock Holmes hypothosis. Elliminate the impossible and what ever's left is the truth, no matter how improbable. One, I seem to be trapped in the body of an old aquaintance named Butt-Head."  
  
"Two," said Jane. "I seem to be stuck in the body of some guy you call Beavis."  
  
"Three, we have posession of a mask half like the one you were putting in your sculpture.   
  
It's white, and looks just like the black mask only it's for the other side of the face."  
  
"I think it's made of ivory." said Jane, examining the mask. "It's got a jagged edge like   
  
the other mask."  
  
"So-our minds have been put in the bodies of Beavis and Butt-Head by this mask, probably   
  
a mystic artifact of some kind."  
  
"Wait a minute." said Jane. "If we're in the bodies of those two knuckleheads you told me   
  
about, where are their minds?"  
  
Daria suddenly felt sick.  
  
After tiring of playing with their breasts and trashing Jane's sculpture, Beavis and Butt-Head went to the Lanes' living room and turned on Baywatch. Trent walked in. "Hey, Janey, think I could talk to Daria alone for a while?" Beavis said nothing, transfixed by Pamela Anderson jiggling in slow motion. "I get it." sighed Trent. "She told you what I did last night and now you're mad at me too. Fine, I can deal with the silent treatment. I guess anything I say to Daria I can say in front of you."  
  
"Could you, like, not talk, or something?" said Butt-Head.  
  
"Look, I don't blame you for being mad at me." Trent sat next to Butt-Head. "What I did last night was completly unexcusable. Daria, I've never felt this way about anyone, and I want this to work. I just want to say, I'm sorry." He put an arm around Daria's shoulder.  
  
"Aaah!" shouted Butt-Head. "Don't touch me, you pervert!"  
  
"Fine! Be like that!" Trent stormed off, hurt and angry.  
  
"Uh, commercials suck." said Butt-Head. "Change it."  
  
"Is Spider-Man peeking into high-rise apartments to watch people change clothes? The perverted arachnid on the next Sick, Sad, World!"  
  
"Huh-huh, cool."   
  
"So, what do we do now?" asked Jane.  
  
"OK, let's not panic." said Daria. "I think this mask had something to do with it. I'd like to do some research."  
  
"Do these guys have a computer?"  
  
"Jane, these guys couldn't spell 'CD ROM', much less use one. They think the disk drive is a cupholder. Today's Saturday, school doesn't start untill Monday. If we hurry, we can get to the library before it closes."  
  
"Do they have a car?"  
  
"They have a couple of bikes and there's a bus stop at the Maxi-Mart down the street."  
  
"Let's see if this guy has any change." Jane went into Beavis's pocket and pulled out a   
  
dead frog. She screamed. "What the hell kinda weirdos are these freaks?" Daria went for the sofa   
  
cushions. She found nacho crumbs, a used up cigarette lighter, the cover for last month's issue   
  
of /Spank/ magazine, and a quarter. Butt-Head had a condom in one pocket, two dimes in the other.   
  
"One more nickle and we'll have enough for one fare." said Daria. Jane found a nickle in Beavis's   
  
pocket- along with a pack of Marlboros and a book of matches. "Do the world a favor, Jane." said   
  
Daria. "Destroy those matches."  
  
She put them in a half full can of soda. "Done."  
  
"Let's look for more money." They searched untill they found a jar in the vast wasteland   
  
in one of the bedrooms. It had a label that read "Butt-Head's munny doo nawt steele" The change   
  
and bills added up to $9.74. "Let's go." Daria pocketed the cash.  
  
Jane followed Daria to the Maxi-Mart. "Ya, know," said Jane, "I always wondered what it would be like to be a guy."  
  
"What's the verdict?"  
  
"Underrated. While you were looking for money, I slipped off to the bathroom. Let's just   
  
say I was better endowed as a girl and leave it at that."  
  
As they waited by the bus stop a trashy looking Pinto sped into the parking lot. "Oh, no," moaned Daria. "Not this guy."  
  
"Hey there, little girls." said Todd.  
  
If he only knew how close to the truth he was. thought Daria.  
  
"Whatcha doin'?" asked Todd.  
  
"Um, nothing." said Daria.  
  
"Oh, You freaks are doing something. You're gonna give me your money."  
  
"Get bent, asshole." said Jane.   
  
Todd grabbed Jane by Beavis's scrawny pencil neck. "WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME,   
  
YOU LITTLE SHIT-HEAD?!" Jane took advantage of her position and kicked Todd square in the 'nads.   
  
He went down squealing like a girl. Daria concked him on the head with a nearby brick. The bus   
  
came just in time. "That was scary." said Jane. "Espacially since we don't have our super-powers."  
  
At the library, Daria approached the librarian's desk. "We need to schedule time on the   
  
internet, Mrs. Phelps." Daria said to the bespectacled old lady.  
  
"Do I know you boys?" she asked.  
  
Daria realized her slip up. Of course Mrs. Phelps wouldn't know who Beavis and Butt-Head   
  
are. "Uh, one of your aides told me your name."  
  
Mrs. Phelps looked at her notebook. "I can get you down for one hour at four. Do you want   
  
seperate computers?"  
  
"No thanks, just one."  
  
"See you in five minutes."  
  
They sat at a table to wait. "You know her?" asked Jane.  
  
"Mrs. Phelps has been the librarian here for 50 years. My first summer job was helping her shelve books." Daria sighed. "She's the only person from Highland who I really miss. It would be nice to sit and talk with her a while but...."  
  
"It would be to hard to explain."  
  
When they got their time on the internet Daria typed the words 'black and white mask' into the search engine. "Wait!" said Jane. "Check this out!" She pointed to a news link that read   
  
"Valuable Mask Stolen From New York Museum." Daria clicked on it.  
  
--On April 20th, a valuable mask, believed to have originated with the !B'Hong people of the Kallihari, was stolen from the New York Cultural Museum. "That mask is absolutly priceless!," said curator Alice Brandon. "Not only was it made of the purest ivory and rarest ebony, but the craftsmanship of the reclusive !B'Hongs is unmatchable!"--  
  
"Daria? What's the exclamation point for?"  
  
"I've read about Kallihari natives. Anthropologists use the exclamation point to symbolize a tongue click. It's used a lot in their language."  
  
Jane clicked Beavis's tongue. "Like that?"  
  
"Kinda. Back to the story."  
  
--The costumed character known as "Spider-Man" was reportedly seen in the area. "He's a menace!" said J. Jonah Jameson, editor for /The Daily Bugel/. "I lay you odds he stole the mask! That Spider-Man is nothing but trouble!"  
  
"There were no fingerprints." said NYPD police chief Andrew Sipowitz. "And we suspect the perpetrator came in through the sunroof. No footprins either. The thief could very well have been this Spider-Man, or just someone who saw /Mission Impossible/ too many times."--   
  
An AP photo of the mask followed. "That looks just like it!" said Jane. "Only, in one piece."  
  
"I'm pretty sure Spider-Man didn't steal the mask." said Daria. "It had to have been that   
  
blonde woman we caught robbing the Gas&Gulp."  
  
"But how did Beavis and Butt-Head get their hands on it?" asked Jane.  
  
Just then, a stocky boy with blond hair wearing a Winger T-shirt approached them. "Hi, guys!" he said. "I don't think I've ever seen you in the library before."  
  
"Uh, go away, Stewart." said Daria.  
  
"Wasn't spring break rad?" asked Stewart. "I'm real glad you guys could come on the trip to New York with us, even if you didn't pay."  
  
"Um, did you say New York?" asked Jane.  
  
"Yeah, you guys were there. You spit off the side of the Chrysler Building and made armpit noises all through /Les Miz/. It was cool! What are you checking out on the web? I was just reading about this awesome new /StarFighter/ game that's coming out soon."  
  
"Uh, we gotta go." said Daria. "Bye, Stewart."  
  
"Can I come over and hang with you guys later?" asked Stewart.  
  
"Uh, maybe tomorrow."  
  
"Really? Wow! OK, see you then!"  
  
"That guy reminds me of Danny, sort of." said Jane.  
  
"That's what Danny would be like with no positive role models." said Daria.  
  
Meanwhile, back in Lawndale, Baywatch had gone off. "I gotta go to the bathroom." said Butt-Head. He left Beavis in the living room. The doorbell rang. Beavis answered it. A tall, muscular man with a light brown pony-tail was there bearing a box of candy. "Hi, Jane." he said, comming in. "I brought you something."  
  
"Whoa! Cool! Chocolate!" said Beavis.  
  
"Lady Godiva Truffles." said Jesse. "I know they're your favorite." Beavis ripped off the   
  
paper, sat on the couch, and stuffed truffle after truffle into Jane's mouth. "Janey," said Jesse. "I've been thinking about how you said you wanted me to be more romantic. Physically. You're right, I should try harder." Beavis started to quiver as he devoured the truffles. "When I don't get all touchy with you, it doesn't mean I'm not attracted to you. Believe me, I am." Well, not right now. he thought, watching his beloved make a pig of herself. "I think it's the MRI inhibitors I'm on. They can really mess up your libido."  
  
"A mosquito, my libido!" sang Beavis.  
  
"Um, yeah. I'm trying to wean myself off them."  
  
"Huh-huh, wean."  
  
"I'm thinking of switching from topical vitamin E to pill form. I hear that improves performance. Janey, all I want in the world is to make you happy."  
  
"Are you threatening me?"  
  
"No! I mean yes! um,um...."  
  
"I am the Great Cornholio! I must have trrrruffles! Truffles for my bunghole!" Beavis pulled Jane's shirt collar over her head and left the room. Jesse was very confused.  
  
Beavis went into Trent's room. Trent was lying face down on the bed. "I am Cornholio!" said Beavis. "Have you any truffles? Have you any TP? My bunghole must not get polio!"  
  
"I know what you're trying to do, Janey." said Trent. "You know I'm upset about Daria and   
  
you're acting silly to cheer me up. Thanks, but it's not working."  
  
"Cornholioooooooo!" sang Beavis, leaving the room. "I need trrrruffles! I have no bunghoooole! The streets will flow with the blood of the non-believers!"  
  
Butt-Head came out of the bathroom. "Huh-huh, hey, Beavis. Did you know that we can pee   
  
sitting down now? It's pretty cool."  
  
"Is there any TP?" asked Beavis.  
  
"Uh, Yeah."  
  
"I must have TP!" Beavis went in the bathroom and took out a large roll. "My bunghole must be pleased so as not to incur a pox on oleo! Bunga bunga bunga!" Beavis ran into Jesse on the way down stairs. "Have you any more trrrruffles? Trrrruffles for my bunghole?" Jesse glared at him for a second, then shook his head and went upstairs. "A pox upon thy firstborn! I must have trrruffles, or your oleo will get polio! Bungholioooooooo! I come from Lake Titicaca! Titicaca!"  
  
"Hey, Trent," said Jesse. "Can I borrow your car?"  
  
Trent grabbed his keys. "I can drive you somewhere if you want."  
  
"I don't wanna go anywhere. I just need your car for a sec."  
  
They went downstairs. Beavis was holding his TP close while slurping a can of Jolt cola he found in the fridge-trembling all the way. Butt-Head was engorsed in an infomercial for Thighmaster. Not Daria's usual fare, Trent mused.  
  
Outside, Jesse crawled under Trent's Ford and started doing bench presses. "I'll understand if you don't wanna spot me." he said.  
  
"You upset about something, Jess?"  
  
"What makes you (ugh) think that (ugh) something is (ugh) wrong?"  
  
"You always lift weights when you're upset."  
  
Jesse let the car rest on the pavement. "Your sister has turned completely psycho. I got her her favorite truffles and started getting romantic when she announced she was the great Cornholio and started prophesizing these great plagues."  
  
"Yeah, she came to my room and did the same thing. I thought it was a joke. You know, Daria's been acting weird too. I can understand if she's mad at me, but I thought she'd at least listen to me. Plus, she's been watching things on TV she doesn't usually watch. Baywatch, infomercials..."  
  
"Maybe they're both having that PMS thing."  
  
"Nah, I've seen PMS. This isn't PMS."  
  
"What is it then?"  
  
"Fucking weird, that's what it is."  
  
"I am Cornholio!" shouted Beavis, stepping outside. "Flesh will burn and rot for the sake   
  
of the all mighty Bunghole! Huhhuh, burn! Burn! BURN! BUUUUUUUURRRRRRN!" His body flamed on.   
  
"Whoa! Cool! Fire! Fire! FIRE! FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRE!!!!!!!!!" He flew off into the sky.  
  
"To the Batmobile, Robin." said Trent. "And bring a fire estiguisher."  
  
They went inside to get the extinguisher. Butt-Head sat on the couch in a stupor. The living room was littered with streamers of toilet paper. "What the FUCK?!" said Trent.  
  
"Huh-huh, you said fuck." laughed Butt-Head.  
  
"We'll discuss this later." Jesse got the extinguisher.  
  
Beavis flew over the city, unleashing torents of fire. "FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!" he chanted, laying waste to everything in sight. The townspeople ran in panic, wondering why Flamin' Jane had suddenly gone berserk. Beavis landed. "I am the Great Cornholio! My bunghole will speak now! You must bring me truffles or this city will burn like the flames of Hell!"  
  
"Yo! Cornhole!" shouted Trent. He had Beavis's attention long enough to drench Jane's body in thick white foam.  
  
"Foam can no stop the Great Cornholio! You shall bow before me!" In a frenzy, Beavis rushed Jesse. "Give me my tribute of trrruffles!" Jesse caught Beavis, held him up and looked at him for a moment, then knocked him out cold.  
  
"Jesse, you finally did it." said Trent. "You hit a girl. And Janey at that."  
  
"Whatever that is, it's not Janey."  
  
"For all we know, it's probably not even a girl." Jesse lugged Beavis over his shoulder and returned to the car.  
  
Meanwhile, Butt-Head got bored with the TV and went outside. He walked down the sidewalk.   
  
Dammit, where's the Maxi-Mart? he wondered. He crossed paths with Brittany.  
  
"Hi Daria!" she squeaked. "How was spring break?"  
  
"Whoa! Huhhuh, hey baby."  
  
"Daria, did you just call me baby?" Butt-Head chuckled and reached out and grabbed Brittany's shirt. He wished it was see-through, and lo and behold it was. "Eep!" Brittany tried in vain to cover her huge breasts with her hands. "Daria, why'd you do that? Are you like, a Lebanese or something?"  
  
"Huh-huh, come to Butt-Head." Brittany screamed and ran away.  
  
In Highland, Daria and Jane wondered what they were going to do with their knowledge. "OK," said Daria. "We know this was caused by the mask. It probably has something to do with touching it. The other half of the mask is in Lawndale, where those two morons are probably inhabiting our bodies."  
  
"I feel dirty thinking about it." said Jane.  
  
"When we get to their house you can go whack off if it will make you feel better."  
  
"How do we get back to Lawndale? Butt-Head's cash isn't going to take us far."  
  
Before Daria could answer, Todd showed up with his gang. "You little panty wusses like to kick people in the balls, huh?" he asked, as the gang members readied their bats and blackjacks. "How 'bout my boys kick /you/ in the balls!"  
  
Daria and Jane ran for it. Jane followed Daria's lead. She knew the neighborhood better.   
  
Daria scaled a fence, Jane followed. The gang tore the fence down. A shot fired in the air.   
  
A portly older man stood on his back porch armed with a rifle. "Leave my goddammed fence alone   
  
you little hoodlums!" he yelled. "Or you'll get the business end of Ole Bessy, I tell you what!"   
  
"Aw, fuck this." said one of the gang members. They left.  
  
"Th-thanks Mr. Anderson." Daria panted. Jane was wheazing uncontrollably.  
  
"You boy's otta learn to defend yerselves." said Mr. Anderson. "C'mon in, the Mizzus made   
  
some lemonade this morning."  
  
Jane collapsed on the couch inside as Mr. Anderson got the lemonade. "Da-daria," she gasped.'Wh-what's wrong? I-I can't-can't," she she fought for air. "Can't breathe."  
  
"Beavis doesn't go jogging like you." said Daria. "And he tries to smoke."  
  
"Tr-tries?"  
  
"No hand/eye co-ordination." Daria was only a little out of breath. She hated to admit it, even to herself, but her lifestyle was almost as sedantary as Butt-Head's. True, she would rather read or write than watch soft-core porn and she got up to fight crime when she had to.  
  
"Here you go boys." Mr. Anderson served the lemonade. Jane gulped the whole glass down.   
  
"Mr. Anderson," said Daria. "Could I borrow your phone please? It's a collect call."  
  
"Well, as long as it's collect, go on ahead."  
  
Daria made a collect call to Jane's house. Trent and Jesse just got home with Beavis when   
  
the phone rang. Trent answered and accepted the charges.  
  
"Trent, it really is me. I'm in Texas."  
  
"You just don't sound like Daria." he said. "You sound like a guy."  
  
"It's me. I can't really explain."  
  
"If you're really Daria, tell me something only she would know."  
  
"Last night we had an argument at the drive-in."  
  
"Who is it?" asked Jesse.  
  
"It's Daria and Jane," said Trent. "I think."  
  
"Let me talk." He took the phone. "Hello?"  
  
"Jesse, it's me, Daria."  
  
Didn't sound like her. "Could you put Jane on?"  
  
Daria gave Jane the phone. "Hi Jesse."  
  
"You don't sound like Jane."  
  
"But I am. It's a long story."  
  
"Tell me something only Jane would know."  
  
"You have a birthmark on your hieny shaped like a bunny rabbit."  
  
"It's her, alright." Jesse said to Trent, giving back the phone. Trent and Daria comtinued the conversation.  
  
"Well, we caught Jane before she burned down the town. I don't think it is Jane."  
  
"It's not. Jane's with me. It's Beavis."  
  
"Who?"  
  
"This guy I knew in Highland. Complete pyro. What about-me?"  
  
"You-or whover it was- isn't here. We left-it-here at home to catch Beavis."  
  
"You have to stop him before he hurts someone- not to mention ruin my reputation."  
  
"Sure, we'll just tie Beavis up so he doesn't go anywhere."  
  
"Good. Here's what you gotta do when you catch him. In Jane's room you'll find a black half of a mask. Get Beavis and Butt-Head to touch it at the same time. Jane and I will both touch the other half of the mask about- 10 PM. That should give you enough time to catch Butt-Head. That should put everyone back in their right bodies."  
  
"Will do. Hey, Daria?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"I'm real sorry. About last night."  
  
"We'll discus this when I get back."  
  
"Bye."  
  
"Bye" Daria hung up. "Thanks, Mr. Anderson." said Daria. "We gotta go."  
  
"Anytime boys." Boy I tell ya, he thought as the two left. Those boys can be down right   
  
polite when they wanna be. Maybe they changed their ways.  
  
"I can't believe that guy just fired a gun in the middle of a neighborhood." said Jane.  
  
"Welcome to Texas." said Daria.  
  
In Lawndale, Trent hung up the phone. "She and Jane are OK, but they're in Texas and stuck in the bodies of two guys named Beavis and Butt-Head."  
  
"And they're in Daria and Jane's bodies." Jesse concluded.  
  
"We better shut this guy away somewhere and go look for Butt-Head. He's in Daria's body."  
  
"Cool." Jesse carried Beavis to Jane's room. Trent followed. Jesse laid Jane's foam covered and unconscous body on the bed and went through a nightstand drawer. He brought out a pair of furry handcuffs. "Those look familiar." said Trent.  
  
"Uh-yeah-me and Jane got some-uh-toys."  
  
"I think I'm going to be sick." Trent said as Jesse cuffed Beavis to the bedpost. "We need to look for a black mask in here."  
  
"Let's try that pile of junk." He indicated the sculpture that the two miscreants destroyed. They sifted through the wreckage untill they found what they wanted.  
  
"Now to find Butt-Head."  
  
Butt-Head was walking down the street, still looking for the Maxi-Mart or at least another chick. Quinn approached. "Daria! Where the hell have you been?"  
  
"Whoa! You're that babe Quinn!"  
  
"Well, duh! Mom says it's time for dinner. Boy, are you ever gonna get it! Mom's mad that   
  
you've been gone all day."  
  
"Uh, I'm gonna 'get it'?"  
  
"Stop being a bigger dufus than usual, Daria, and come home!"  
  
"Uh, OK." Butt-Head went home with Quinn.  
  
"And just where have you been all day, young lady?" Helen demanded.  
  
"Uh- huh-huh."  
  
"Never mind. Just sit down and eat dinner."  
  
"Cool! Lasagna!" Butt-Head dug in. "Huh-huh! I'm cutting the cheese!"  
  
"EEeeew!" said Quinn.  
  
"Daria, that was rude." said Helen. "Say you're sorry."  
  
"You're sorry."  
  
"Oh, that was funny," said Quinn. "when I was six!"  
  
"So, Daria," said Jake, getting in on the conversation. "How are things with you and Trent?" Butt-Head ignored him and stuffed lasagna in Daria's mouth.  
  
"That guy's a loser." said Quinn. "Let's face it, any guy who would ignore me and go out with Daria has to have something wrong with him."  
  
"Quinn, don't say those things in front of your sister!" said Helen. "She has many fine   
  
qualities that a boy would be interested in, such as-um....well...her,uh...hmmmm...." She honestly couldn't think of one thing. The doorbell rang. Helen got up to answer it. It was Trent.  
  
"Is Daria here?" he asked.  
  
"We're having dinner right now. If you don't mind, this is a family event." She started to shut the door. Trent tried to stop her.  
  
"Please, Mrs. Morgendorfer, it's very important."  
  
"Any puppy-love quarrels you've had can just wait untill after dinner."  
  
"Is that Trent?" said Jake. "Bring him in! I made enough lasagna for everyone!"  
  
Trent was seated next to Butt-Head. Trent found he didn't have much of an appetite. He tried not to glare at the thing that was a mockery of Daria.   
  
"So, Trent," said Jake. "Found a job yet?"  
  
"I'm making good money in the band." he said "We've got three gigs next week."  
  
"You're not still doing that whole hero thing are you?" asked Helen.  
  
"What can I say? Whenever there's trouble, we stop it."  
  
"Well, I don't like it." said Helen. "The law is perfectly clear on vigilanteism."  
  
"It's called citizen's arrest." said Trent. "It's all legal. And if you don't like super   
  
heros, why did you defend Jesse?"  
  
"We're talking completely different circumstances here. Look, Trent, all I want in the world is for Daria to be a normal, happy, teenaged girl."  
  
"Like me!" said Quinn.  
  
"Yes, exactly!" said Helen. "Like Quinn."  
  
Butt-Head finished the lasagna and let out a huge belch. "C'mon, Daria," said Trent. "We've gotta go." He grabbed Daria's wrist.  
  
"Aah! Don't touch me, Asswhipe!" The Morgendorfers were taken aback. Since when did Daria   
  
say things like "Asswhipe"?   
  
"Trent, I think you'd better leave." said Helen.  
  
"But..."  
  
"Now!"  
  
"Yes ma'am." Trent had no choice. The Morgendorfers would never believe his explanation.   
  
Jesse was waiting outside.  
  
"Dude, what took you so long?" he asked.  
  
"I had to stay for dinner."  
  
"Cool, did you bring me anything? I'm kinda hungry." Trent just glared at him.  
  
"I'm gonna do a stake out here and sneak in through Daria's bedroom when I can. You go home and guard Beaver or whatever his name is."  
  
"Cool." Jesse left. Trent found some brush to hide in while he kept an eye on Daria's window. He waited patiently untill he saw the familiar shadow. He started stretching up to the window. Within, Butt-Head was going through Daria's underwear drawer.  
  
"Huh-huh," he laughed, fingering the unmentionables. "Granny panties. Huh-huh, A-cups."  
  
"Drop the drawers, pervert!" said Trent, hoisting himself inside.  
  
"You're a pervert, peckerwood!"  
  
"Listen, this isn't your body. Come with me and I'll set everything the way it's supposed to be."  
  
"Huh-huh, no way! Being a chick is cool. I can sit down to take a whiz. I got two thingies to play with, even if they are flat.And maybe I can-you know- get some lesbo-action!"  
  
"C'mon, you gotta admit being a guy has its advantages. You can grow a little facial hair   
  
like me and still look cool. Chick's gotta shave everything. If a guy wants to go swimming all   
  
he has to do is take off his shirt and dive in. A chick would get arrested for doing that. Plus,   
  
why do you think lines to the ladies' room are so long?"  
  
"Uh- cuz they put on make-up and crap?"  
  
"No, girls can't use urinals. That's right, pal. No more playing 'Melt the Ice' for you."  
  
"That sucks! I wanna be a dude again!"  
  
"Great. Just come with me." Trent carried Butt-Head out the window. "We gotta be at my house in..." He checked his watch. "Crap! Ten minutes!"  
  
Trent gunned the motor. He found Jesse in the living room sharing some Burger World takeout with Beavis. "Jesse, it's nearly ten! We gotta..."  
  
"Calm down, Trent." said Jesse. "They're in Texas, right?"  
  
"Right."  
  
"We're an hour ahead of them. Time zones and stuff."  
  
"Oh, yeah. Completely forgot about that."  
  
"I got you a WorldBurger with extra pickles, the way you like it."  
  
"Thanks, man." Trent unwrapped his burger.  
  
"Where's mine?" asked Butt-Head.  
  
"I got you and your friend Smily Meals." said Jesse. "They're cheap and they come with toys."  
  
"You didn't have to bother." said Trent.  
  
"Even prisoners get to eat." said Jesse. "Besides, I don't want the girls to come back to   
  
hungry bodies."  
  
"Um, I hafta use the bathroom." said Beavis.  
  
"I'll show you where it is." Jesse was going to escort Beavis to make sure he didn't run   
  
away. He waited outside the bathroom for fifteen minutes. "Hey, what's taking so long?" Jesse   
  
peeked in. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!"  
  
Trent became concerned. Jesse seldom raised his voice that loud. He saw Jesse drag a half   
  
naked Beavis (Jane's body, actually) out of the bathroom and to Jane's bedroom. "C'mon, dude!"   
  
said Beavis. "You know you'd do it!" Jesse handcuffed him back to the bed.  
  
"This should keep your damn hands off my girlfriend's body!"  
  
"Uh-it's like, they're her hands, not mine."  
  
"Whatever." He threw a cover over Jane's body.  
  
"It's almost eleven." said Trent. "They hafta be touching the mask at the same time."  
  
Jesse put the mask in Jane's fingers and made Butt-Head touch it. Meanwhile, in Highland,   
  
Daria and Jane were on the couch with the white mask half. "Here goes everything." Daria said as   
  
she and Jane grabbed the mask. A simular flash of light. Daria and Jane were in Jane's room.  
  
"Why the hell am I chained up and naked!?" Jane demanded.  
  
"Beavis was trying to molest you." said Jesse.  
  
"Jesse, you untie Jane. Daria and I need to talk alone." They left, Daria carrying the mask.  
  
"OK, Jess." said Jane. "You can take the cuffs off now." He grinned at her mischiviously.   
  
"Um, Jesse?" He laid down next to her. "Jesse, what are you do-" He cut her off with a passionate kiss.  
  
"Look, Trent," said Daria. "I know you really wanna talk about where our relationship is going, but, we need to think about what to do with this mask first." There was a knock at the door. Trent answered. The caller was a tall black man in an unseasonal overcoat. His head was shaved and covered in tribal tattoos simular to the markings on the mask.  
  
"I am here for the mask of the !B'Hong tribe." he said in a rich accented voice. "I am their shaman. I sensed it's power here."  
  
"You mean this?" Daria showed him the ebony half of the mask.  
  
The shaman was horrified. "You broke it?"  
  
"No, it was like this when we found it."  
  
The shaman shook his head. "Is very, very bad fortune to break sacred mask. My people use   
  
this mask in a private comming of age ceremony. It was stolen from us a year ago. I have been   
  
searching ever since. It is far too dangerous to be in the hands of the white man."  
  
"In other words," said Daria. "We are not ready for Mogwai. Here's your mask back."  
  
"Lay it on the table. I will pick it up." They did. "It will not do for us to touch mask   
  
at same time. I believe the proper word in your culture is 'thank you'. Now, I must search for   
  
the ivory half."  
  
"Try Highland, Texas." Daria suggested.  
  
"I will."  
  
"Nice tats." said Trent, who had been admiring the markings on the shaman's head.  
  
"Yours are good as well. Maori? I have studied them. Yours is a right of passage mark. So, who is the lucky girl?" He looked at Daria.  
  
"Lucky girl?" asked Trent.  
  
"Of course. Your tattoo means that not only does your tribe see you as an adult, but you   
  
have chosen a bride." Trent's jaw dropped. "Don't worry, you are not Maori, so it may not matter.   
  
I must go now." The shaman was gone as quickly as he came.  
  
"Well, that's done with." said Trent.  
  
"Yeah." said Daria.  
  
"I'm still sorry about last night." he said. "Sometimes, I.." A strange noise from upstairs interrupted him.   
  
"What the hell was that?" asked Daria. "Sounded like Jane."  
  
"The only thing that sounds like that is a girl having an...oh gross." Trent shuddered.  
  
"It is kinda creepy. Let's leave."  
  
Trent drove to nowhere in particular with Daria riding shotgun. "If you just don't like me," said Trent. "I'll back off and leave you alone." he finally said.  
  
"No." Daria said emphaticly. "Trent, I love you." He brought the car to a hault. "You heard me, I love you. And I'm afraid if you see how ugly I really am, you might loose interest in me."  
  
"Daria, you're not ugly."  
  
"Sure. When I was a kid and boys threw rocks at me and called me Frankenstein, it was only because they were mesmerized by my awesome beauty. And don't feed me that cock-and-bull story about the Ugly Duckling. I got a mirror. I know what I look like. I'm not a swan. I'm an ugly duck. Know why I keep my hair long and wore skirts before I took up crime fighting? Back in middle school, people mistook me for a boy. Apparantly, boys who look like girls are cute but girl who look like boys are just fugly. I had girls flirt with me and get angry when I told them I was really a girl. My family is ashamed of me because I'm not cute and friendly like Quinn."  
  
"They should get Quinn to be more like you." said Trent. "And I'd like to see you in skirts more often. They look cute on you."  
  
"Nothing looks cute on me. I got knobby knees and flabby thighs. Plus, they're just not   
  
practical for crime fighting."  
  
"I still think you're beautiful."  
  
"You don't have to lie to me."  
  
"Daria, I love the girl who taught me how to laugh, who accepted me despite my faults, and just made me a better person."  
  
Daria grabbed Trent and kissed him. They kissed in silence for a long time. Daria broke it off. "Let's see," she said. "My parents are at my house. Jane and Jesse are having fun at your   
  
house. You got money for a motel?"  
  
"You mean you wanna..." Trent whipped out his wallet. Enough for one night, and enough left over for a small box of condoms. He silently thanked any gods that might be listening.  
  
EPILOGUE:  
  
The next day in Highland.  
  
"Hey, Beavis, huh-huh, whaddya wanna do today?"  
  
"Um, homework?"  
  
Butt-Head stared at Beavis and realized it was a joke. They both laughed moronically. The   
  
doorbell rang. "Get the door, ass munch." said Butt-Head.  
  
"You get it, fart knocker! It's your house!"  
  
Stewart let himself in. "Hey guys! Wanna play video games?"  
  
"Uh, go away, Stewart!" said Butt-Head.  
  
"But, you said I could hang with you guys."  
  
"When the hell did we say that?" asked Beavis.  
  
"Yesterday, at the library."  
  
"We never go to the library, dumb ass!" said Butt-Head. "Too many words and stuff."  
  
"Yeah." said Beavis. "We were turned into chicks yesterday."  
  
Stewart laughed. "That's funny, guys!" There was a knock at the door. Stewart let in the shaman.  
  
"I have come for the ivory half of the mask of the !B'Hong." he said.  
  
"Huh-huh," laughed Butt-Head. "You said 'bong'."  
  
"Uh, you mean this?" Beavis held up the mask.  
  
"I'll get it." said Stewart, reaching for the mask.  
  
"NO!" shouted the shaman, too late.  
  
"Huhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuh." laughed Stewart.  
  
IN THE NEXT ISSUE OF THE FORMIDABLE FOUR:  
  
It'th all over, Lane! You'll pay for the thuffering you've cauthed me!  
  
OK, that's enough saki for you, mister.  
  
Danny is so damn grounded.  
  
Violence, nudity, it's all good!  
  
If I don't come back, feed Nibbles for me.  
  
(A/N): Umm, do I have to list the credits for /Les Miserables/ again? Nah. OK, I get it. You don'tlike musicals. Neither do Beavis and Butthead. They would probably like the crude humor of the"Master of the House" number. (Huh-huh, master.) Here's their review for /Phantom of the Opera/  
  
Butt-Head: Hey, Beavis. Huh-huh. This chick is singing about a guy who comes in her dreams.  
  
Beavis: Huh-huh. I always come in my dreams. Huh-huh.  
  
Butt-Head: That Christine chick, is like, hot and stuff. But, she should, like, not sing.  
  
Beavis: Yeah! Yeah! And she should wear less clothes. That would be cool!  
  
Butt-Head: They should make a mucus-cal where the chicks don't sing or wear any clothes.  
  
Beavis: Yeah! That would rule! And get rid of that dumb-ass guy with the mask!  
  
Butt-Head: Huh-huh, he's got a big pole. Huh-huh.   
  
"Smells Like Teen Spirit" belongs to Kurt Kobain. Is it OK for me to use his songs? Oh, nevermind. Spider-Man is property of Marvel comics. Beavis and Butt-Head belong to Mike Judge and he can keep them. Dallas and Muddy are from B&BDA. I also hope no one got confused by this body swap story. Hard to imagine Daria and Jane acting like Beavis and Butt-Head. And vice versa. 


	11. Slashers Not what you think it means!

Fanfiction Four X: $la$her$  
  
It started one night at the Zen. Mystic Spiral was performing on stage. Daria and Jane were   
  
discussing a school project.  
  
"Maybe Trent can help us write some background music for the program." Jane suggested.  
  
"I don't wanna ask him." said Daria. "This computer programming project is pretty lame."  
  
"Yeah," agreed Jane. "But then, compared to saving the town for the umpteenth time, everything   
  
seems pretty lame. Why do we even bother?"  
  
"Cuz if we didn't, we wouldn't be heroes."  
  
"I'm getting another soda." Jane went back to the bar. She noticed a boy her age sipping a   
  
drink and winking at her. Oh puh-leeze, she thought. Does he really think that shit turns women on?  
  
"Hi there." he said to her. "I'm Tom. Do you like convertables?"  
  
"Can it creep. I'm spoken for."  
  
"So?" said Tom. "I've got a girlfriend, but I'll throw her away in a minute for a cutie like you."  
  
"Yeah, well my boyfriend is here tonight. He's on stage."  
  
Tom glanced at the stage. "Which one is he? The long haired fag or the tattooed freak?"  
  
"The 'tattooed freak' is my brother. Care to score any more points with me?"  
  
"Look, I'm sorry. What I said was way out of line. Let me make it up to you by buying you dinner."  
  
"Go to Hell, loser."  
  
Tom chuckled. "I don't think you understand." he said, putting an unwanted hand on hers.   
  
"You see, when I want something, I get it. Always."  
  
"Flame on." Jane growled.   
  
Tom briefly wondered why she said "Flame on" and not two words with the same initials. Then   
  
he was aware of a painful burning sensation in the hand he had placed on her. He yelped, pulling   
  
away. He quickly removed himself from Jane's presence. He passed Jesse as he was leaving the stage.  
  
"Janey," he said. "Was that punk bothering you?"  
  
"I took care of him, hon." she kissed him. Trent and Daria came up and they all chatted a   
  
while. Soon, a large Asian man approached them.   
  
"Pardon me," he said. "Am I addressing the Formidable Four?"  
  
"That's us." said Trent.  
  
The man offered a business card to Trent with a bow. "I am Toshiro Ingaki. Will you come   
  
with me please? My limo is outside."  
  
"Huddle!" Trent announced. The group huddled up to discus the situation. Trent showed everyone   
  
the card. It was Japanese on one side, English on the other. The English side read "Toshiro Ingaki,   
  
Executive Producer, TokyoTV"  
  
"We can't just go off with some guy we just met." said Daria.  
  
"Relax, Daria." said Jane. ''We've got super-powers, remember?"  
  
"Still smells fishy to me."  
  
"Maybe he wants us to be on some Japanese talk show." Jesse suggested.  
  
"When we can't even get on Ricki Lake in our country?" said Daria.  
  
"Here's my suggestion." said Trent. "We go with this guy. We stay alert. If he tries anything,   
  
we'll waste him- four on one sounds like   
  
good odds. We'll hear him out and stay cool. Agreed?"  
  
"Cool." said Jesse.  
  
"Sounds like a plan." said Jane.  
  
"What the hell." sighed Daria.  
  
They followed Mr. Ingaki to his limosine. When they were all seated, Ingaki gave an order   
  
to his chaufer in Japanese. As they drove, Ingaki opened the wet bar. "Some saki, gentlemen?"  
  
"No thanks." said Jesse.  
  
"I'm game." Trent shrugged. Ingaki smiled ironicly as he served Trent the saki.  
  
"What about us?" said Jane.  
  
"I know the laws of your country. No saki for you."  
  
"Don't you think it was rude to offer it, then?" asked Daria.  
  
"Where I come from," Ingaki said stiffly. "men come first. Women come second."  
  
"And sometimes not at all." Trent quipped.  
  
"OK, that's enough saki for you, mister." said Jane.  
  
The limo stopped at a hotel. Ingaki took them to his suite. "Ladies and gentlemen," he began.   
  
"I trust you are familiar with a Japanese game show known as /Slashers/?" They nodded. "We recently   
  
began showing this in America with very good results. Now, we wish to increase our ratings by   
  
adding mutants such as yourselves to the contestant list."  
  
"Wait," said Daria. "You're asking us to be on some dumb game show?"  
  
Ingaki glared at her. "The show is /not/ dumb! Now, if you can be quiet long enough, I'd   
  
like to show you a promotional video made exclusivly for the four of you." He put a video in the   
  
player. A scantly clad Asian woman appeared on the screen. "Komichi wa, Formidale Four!" she shouted,   
  
waving enthusiasticaly. "I am Miho Taguchi, hostess of /Slashers/! We got good show for you! /Slashers/,   
  
the most incredible game show to hit the air waves wants you, yes /you/, to be contestants! Yay!" she applauded.  
  
"Why do I miss Brittany all of a sudden?" asked Daria. Ingaki shushed her.  
  
"Many, many people want to be on /Slashers/." Miho continued. "We have waiting list up to   
  
two year, but you are who we choose! Aren't we nice? And, should you survive, you win 6 million   
  
dollar American! Yes, 6 million!" The number flashed at the bottom of the screen.  
  
"Should we survive?" repeated Jane. Ingaki shushed her.  
  
"Let us take a quick look at what our game show is all about."  
  
What followed was the most disgusting trailer of guts and gore they had ever seen. Jesse ran   
  
to the restroom and became violently sick. The other three were horrified and felt a distinct loss   
  
of self-respect just watching the video. When it was over, Ingaki pressed rewind and asked   
  
"So, what will it be?".  
  
"Do we look fucking nuts to you?!" Daria exploded.  
  
"Keep a civil tongue in your mouth, woman!" Ingaki barked.  
  
"You watch what you say to her." said Trent. "In this country, we treat women with a little respect."  
  
"I'm outie." said Jane.  
  
"I think we all are." said Trent.   
  
"As they say on your game shows, is that your final answer?" He formed his fingers into the chuch-and-steeple pose.  
  
"It's our only answer." said Daria.  
  
"Suppose I raise the prize to 7 million?"  
  
"Forget it." said Jane. "There isn't enough money in the world." She went to Jesse. "Are you OK?"  
  
"Yeah, cool." he lied.  
  
"You will change your minds." said Ingaki, flexing his fingers together.  
  
"Guess again." said Trent as the four of them left.  
  
Ingaki took out his cell phone. "Mr. Arcade San," he said. "The Formidibale Four refused the offer.   
  
They said there isn't enough money in the world."  
  
"If they will not be swayed by money," said Arcade. "You must find another way to make them play   
  
our game. There must be something they would risk life and limb for."  
  
"More often than not, Arcade San, it is someONE."  
  
The next night Daria was in an on-line chat with her Aunt Amy.  
  
--amybark_2000: Hey! How's my favorite neice?  
  
--miserychick: Jane and I are working on a computer program as a school project. Like   
  
everything else at school it sucks. :P  
  
--amybark_2000: Just keep saying to yourself "It's only 4 years, it's only 4 years." ;)  
  
--miserychick: Not that long. Senior year is next year. I'm so glad I'm dating Trent. If   
  
I had to go all through high school as the dateless loser I'd shoot myself.  
  
--amybark_2000: Daria, do you think it's a good idea to define yourself by who or if you   
  
date?  
  
--miserychick: Geez, you're making me sound like Quinn!  
  
--amybark_2000: I was a dateless loser all through high school. And college. Now I'm the   
  
unmarried loser. But I'm an unmarried loser getting a huge paycheck from DuPont.  
  
--miserychick: I think I'd like more than just cash out of life.  
  
--amybark_2000: You do what's right for you. I know you'll come out on top. LYL  
  
--miserychick: Ditto. CUL8R.  
  
The next morning, Amy was carjacked on her way to work at DuPont labs.   
  
Later that afternoon, Danny Moreno adjourned a meeting of the school's computer club. He   
  
repacked his bookbag and walked out to where his bike was chained. He hadn't rode far when a   
  
hand clasped over his mouth.  
  
Meanwhile, at a bed and breakfast in Athens, Greece, the Lanes were told they had an emergency   
  
phone call from one of their children in the States. No one was on the line. They never got a clear   
  
look at the two thugs who blackjacked them.   
  
The next day Daria and Jane walked home from school. "I wish there was someway just to skip the   
  
whole damn project." said Daria. Trent drove up, Jesse riding shotgun.  
  
"Hey girls." said Trent. "Either of you seen Danny? Jesse says he didn't come home last night."  
  
"He wasn't at school today." said Jane.  
  
"Like a ride?" The girls got in.  
  
"Danny is so damn grounded." said Jesse.  
  
"You'd ground your own brother?" asked Jane.  
  
"I was up all night worrying about him. He never pulls stunts like this."  
  
"Remember," said Trent, "With Jesse, grounding can mean picking him up and pounding him into   
  
the ground." Daria had an uneasy feeling.  
  
"Never pulls stunts like this." she repeated. "Last time I heard that phrase was when Jodi was...."  
  
Before she could finish, a limo pulled up beside them. The tinted window rolled down revealing   
  
Ingaki's face. "Pull over in this lot." he said to Trent. "We must talk."  
  
Jesse felt his blood run cold. Did this man have something to do with his brother's disapearance?  
  
The Formidable Four found themselves back in Ingaki's limo. "Saki?" he politly offered.  
  
"Cut the bull, Ingaki." said Trent.  
  
Ingaki smiled. "Do you know what this is?" he gestured to a laptop with a camera hook-up.  
  
"A lap-top computer, duh." said Daria. "My parents only have a dozen at home."  
  
"And that's a web-cam." said Jesse, indicating the hook-up. "Danny got one for his birthday."  
  
Ingaki typed in some commands and pointed the camera towards himself. A masked man appeared   
  
on the computer screen. He looked like a mideval executioner. "Everything is in readiness, Mr. Ingaki."  
  
"Yoshi." said Ingaki. "Executioner, may I present the Formibable Four." he panned them with the   
  
camera. "Soon to be featured on /Slashers/."  
  
"We said we're not doing your cruddy show!" said Daria.  
  
"Really now? Your Aunt Amy puts 'LYL' in her I-messages to you. Short for 'love you lots'.   
  
Do you truly return those feelings?"  
  
"You-you hacked into our chat? What have you done with her?!"  
  
"Show them, Executioner." The masked figure stepped aside to show Amy shackled to a brick wall.  
  
"Aunt Amy!"  
  
"Forget about me, Daria." said Amy. "Don't fall into this creep's trap."  
  
The camera panned to Danny, also shackled to the wall.  
  
"Danny!" cried Jesse.  
  
"Jesse," Danny's lips trembled. "Jesse, I'm scared."  
  
The camera panned to Amanda and Vincent Lane, also fettered.  
  
"Mom and Dad?" Jane and Trent chorused.  
  
"Uh, hi kids." Amanda said weakly.  
  
"Um, long time no see?" Said Vincent.  
  
"They are safe, for now." said Ingaki. "It would behoove you to co-operate."  
  
"And if we kill you now?" Jane readied a fire ball.  
  
"You'll never see your loved ones again." Ingaki said matter of factly.  
  
"Fine." said Daria. "We'll play your stupid game."  
  
"I'll have Takei stop at each of your houses. You will each have 15 minutes to put your affairs   
  
in order. Pack light. The game starts tomorrow.   
  
We will take my personal Concord jet to Tokyo."  
  
No one was home at Daria's house. That suited her fine. She was in no mood to talk to her   
  
family right now. She stuffed some things in an overnight bag and scratched of a note.  
  
--Everyone,  
  
I've gone to Tokyo to be on Slashers. This is not a joke. Aunt Amy is in a lot of trouble.  
  
I'll see you when I see you.  
  
Daria.--  
  
Jesse's home was also empty. He shoved some things in a bag. He gave Nibbles the hamster an   
  
extra bowl of food. He stuffed some of his medicines in the bag. He had a feeling he was going to   
  
need them. He scratched off a terse note.   
  
--Dad,  
  
I went to rescue Danny. Don't try to look for us.  
  
Jesse.  
  
P.S, If I don't come back, feed Nibbles for me.  
  
I love you.--  
  
At the Lane's home, there were no notes to scribble. Trent started packing. Jane broke down.   
  
"This isn't fair." she sobbed. "They were never there for us."  
  
"Yeah, I know." Trent put an arm around his sister. "But we gotta be there for them."  
  
Meanwhile, Brittany saw something on TV that made her telephone Kevin. "Kevvie! You'll never   
  
guess what I just saw on TV! You know we have satelite, right?"  
  
"Oh yeah! Pigskin Channel!"  
  
"I saw it on Tokyo TV. The Formidable Four are gonna be on /Slashers/ tomorrow night!"  
  
"You mean that cool game show where they kill people? Babe, we gotta see it!"  
  
"I'll tell everyone in the cheerleading squad. You tell everyone on the football team."  
  
"Sure thing, Babe!" Kevin hung up and called Mac. "Hey Mac Daddy!"  
  
"Kevin, I told you to stop calling me that."  
  
"Whatever. Brittany just told me the Formidable Four is gonna be on /Slashers/ tomorrow night."  
  
"Whoa, you mean that show from Japan where they kill people? That's crazy, they'd never agree   
  
to something that dangerous."  
  
"Wanna come watch it at Brittany's house? She's got satelite TV."  
  
"I-I'll have to think about it. Later." Mac called Jodi to give her the news. She was with   
  
her study group, which included Iggy Tyler and Mima Osaka. She told them, they in turn told others,   
  
who told others. The cheerleaders rapidly spread the word. Quinn came home with the Fashion   
  
Club. She was now president and Brooke had recently been inducted as vice president. (Remember,   
  
in this reality Dr. Shar was murdered by Wart Girl. Brooke went to a /competent/ plastic surgeon   
  
for her nose job.)  
  
"What's this?" Quinn took the note from the refrigerator. "Gone to Tokyo, yadda yadda, Aunt   
  
Amy, blah, blah, Daria."  
  
"What's your sister doing in Tokyo?" asked Stacy.  
  
"My /what/, Stacy?" Quinn asked menacingly.  
  
"I mean your cousin! I'm sorry, please don't hate me!"  
  
Brooke looked at the note. "She's gonna be on /Slashers/?" she said.  
  
"Tell me something I /don't/ know!"  
  
"We. Must. Tell. Others." said Tiffany, taking out her ice blue cell phone. Stacy took out   
  
her hot pink cell phone. Brooke took out her lavender cell phone.  
  
"Brooke," said Quinn. "Do you like being vice president of the Fashion Club?"  
  
"Y-yes."  
  
"Then I suggest you start color co-ordinating." Quinn glared at the saffron sundress Brooke   
  
was wearing, clashing with the lavender cell phone.  
  
"Oh! I-I'm sorry Quinn."  
  
"Don't let it happen again." Quinn smiled to herself. Her dream of being an only child stood   
  
a chance of coming true, and on live TV! She never realized it, but her position as president of   
  
the Fashion Club was starting to corrupt her.  
  
In Tokyo, Ingaki and a bellboy showed the Formidable Four their suite at the Imperial Hotel.   
  
"May, I, have, autograph?" the boy asked in halting English. They scribbled their names down just   
  
to make him go away. He bowed and left.   
  
"I suggest you get some rest." said Ingaki. "We begin filming at nine in the morning. It is   
  
one in the afternoon now, should you care to reset your watches. Good day." He bowed and left.  
  
"Who the hell can rest at a time like this?" asked Daria. Jesse opened his bag and took out   
  
a bottle.  
  
"Take two of these with water." he said. "They'll put you to sleep in no time." He started   
  
out the door.  
  
"Where are you going?" asked Jane.  
  
"I need some air." he walked out.  
  
"I'll go with you." Jane offered.  
  
"No, if you don't mind, I need to be alone."  
  
Jesse went down to the lobby and asked the information desk if there were any Catholic churches   
  
in the area. Fortunatly, the person at the desk spoke English and knew of a chapel four blocks   
  
down the street. It was a small place, so unlike the marble and stained glass cathedral   
  
Jesse remembered from his childhood. He genuflected on entering and went to the confessional.   
  
"Father, please tell me you speak English. Or Spanish at least."  
  
"I speak English." The voice on the other side of the screen didn't even have an accent.  
  
"Father, it has been-um-about 12 years since my last confession."  
  
"That's a long time, child."  
  
"Yeah, I kinda lost faith since then. Sin number one. After my mother and brother died, I   
  
just couldn't believe anymore. God could've done something, but he didn't."  
  
"My child, life comes with suffering. And free will."  
  
Jesse pondered this. His mother hadn't willed herself to die. He couldn't make the same   
  
argument for his brother. "OK, list of sins. Hope you have a lot of time on your hands. I've had   
  
premarital sex, but it's just one girl and we use protection. Oh, wait, that's a sin too. I've   
  
probably used the Lord's name in vain a few times. I've played gigs with my rock band on Sundays.   
  
I haven't been to church since I was a kid. I've cussed out my dad, but only when he'd been   
  
drinking. I've lost count of how many times I've masturbated. I've eaten hamburgers on Friday."  
  
"Child, do you mind telling me why the sudden urge to confess 12 years of sins?"  
  
"You know this TV show called /Slashers/?"  
  
"I'm sorry to say I do."  
  
"They've kidnapped my little brother. They're forcing me to compete on the show and rescue him."  
  
"That show is blasphemy to all that is holy." said the priest. "I am sorry that you are in   
  
such a position. But, it is written in John 15:13, 'Greater love hath no man than this, that a man   
  
lay down his life for his friends.' You have my blessing to go on this show to rescue your brother.   
  
Do you wish me to perform Last Rites for you, child?"  
  
"I-I'd rather not."  
  
"Then I will pray for you. And in the name of Jesus and the Holy Virgin I abslolve you. Go   
  
in peace, my child."  
  
"Thanks. Father, three of my friends are being forced to compete just as I am. Could you   
  
pray for them too?"  
  
"I will."  
  
Jesse went back to the hotel. Only Daria was awake. "I was really curious." she said. "You've   
  
never been to Tokyo, where would you have gone?"  
  
"Confession. Haven't done it in 12 years, and might never be able to again."  
  
"Jesse, don't think like that."  
  
"I'm trying not to. That's why I refused Last Rites. You know what they say, no atheists in the foxholes."  
  
"Jesse, you believe what you have to believe, but I'm gonna have faith in myself, as always."  
  
"Daria, I just want you to know that I like you. You're a good person to have as a friend.   
  
I know you probably think I'm some stupid lunkhead, but I like you anyway. I just wanted to say   
  
that in case...."  
  
"Jesse, I never said I didn't like you. And stop acting like a condemned man, it's giving   
  
me the creeps." She sighed. "I think you're a good person to have as a friend too."  
  
"Did Trent and Jane take the pills?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Then they'll be out for eight hours. No use waking them. There's so much I want to tell   
  
them. Guess it'll have to wait." He took two of the pills with a glass of water and lied down on   
  
the empty futon next to Jane. Daria followed suit.  
  
It was almost midnight when they all woke up. Jesse and Jane went down to the lobby, leaving   
  
Trent and Daria alone to make love for what might be the last time. Two hours later, they returned   
  
the favor. They all stood on the balcony to see the sun rise. Meanwhile, in Lawndale, guests   
  
were arriving at Brittany's house to watch /Slashers/ later that night.  
  
It was an interresting cross-section of students at Brittany's house. Jocks and brains tolerated   
  
each other for the night. Danny's computer club and roll playing group were there. The goths were not   
  
about to miss on the gory event of the year. Brittany answered the door once more.   
  
"Oh, hi, Iggy!" she squeaked to the girl outside. "How's the modeling career going?"  
  
"I wised up to the fact that there just isn't a market for chubby red-heads like me. I've   
  
decided to be a veteranarian instead."  
  
"You're gonna join the Army?"  
  
Iggy sighed. "My big brother Max and his friend Nick wanna watch. Is that OK?"  
  
"Mmmmm...OK!"  
  
"Place your bets, people." said Andrea. "2-1 odds on Hercules, 3-1 odds on Flamin' Jane,   
  
4-1 odds on both Phantom and Sir Stretchalot."  
  
"Andrea, that's sick!" said Jodi. "They could die!"  
  
"What's wrong with me making some cash in the process?" she shrugged.  
  
"Fifty on Herc." said Max.  
  
"Those are our friends, you sick bastard!" said Nick.  
  
"Hey, I want them to live. Especially Jesse, he's making me money."  
  
"I have a cousin in Kyoto who likes this show." said Mima. "He's on the waiting list."  
  
"Hey, it's starting!" said Kevin.  
  
"It's time for SSSSSSSSSSlashers!" Miho's voice over announced. The crowd cheered as the gory   
  
opening sequence played on the monitor. The Slasherettes went into their routine with their macabre   
  
skull pom-poms. "And here is our host, M.C Takaaki!"  
  
M.C. Takaaki came on stage and greeted a crowd of enthusiastic gore fans, many holding signs   
  
in both English and Japanese. Some Friends of Humanity had snagged front row seats and were bearing   
  
"Kill the Mutants" signs. "We have extra special contestants tonight!" Takiaaki announced   
  
in Japanese. On Brittany's TV, English captions rolled across the bottom of the screen. "All the   
  
way from Lawndale, Massachusettes, USA, the Formidable Four!" Cheers followed. "The lovely Miho   
  
Taguchi will introduce them." The crowd (especially the male half) went wild when Miho appeared.   
  
"Thank you! Domo Arigatu!" The four made their way on stage. They all wore collars with red baubles   
  
on them- the pacifiers. Daria tried to look her usual impassivness. Trent tried once more to wake   
  
up from what had to be a nightmare. Jesse was hyperventalating. Jane held his hand, trying not   
  
to let on how scared she was.  
  
"We have Dalia Morgendorfer,("That's Daria!" she protested) her invisibility power makes her   
  
better known as Phantom! Also with us, Trent Lane, he can stretch any part of his body to great   
  
length, earning him the title Sir Stretchalot! And his sister, Jane Lane, able to shoot balls of   
  
fire, her codename is Flamin' Jane! And this bishonen's name is Jesse Moreno, but because of his   
  
super strength you can call him Hercules!" Miho slipped a piece of paper in Jesse's back pocket.   
  
"Call me if you make it out alive." she whispered, followed by a pat on the butt. "And now, lets   
  
go over the rules. There are none! Do whatever it takes to survive! Violence, nudity, it's all good!   
  
For the Formidable Four, we make some new rule. They will only be allowed to use their powers for   
  
5 minute at a time. Any longer, and they will be pacified, and we don't want that, do we? Also,   
  
it is not enough for them to simply survive. At the end of our labyrinth is a dungeon where a  
  
relative for each contestant is being kept. Each contestant must make it to the dungeon, free his   
  
or her hostage, and make it back through the labyrinth. Any one who come out alive win 6 million   
  
dollar! 7 million if hostage is still alive.   
  
"Now, I will ask each one if they are ready and give them each a key that will free their   
  
person." She approached Daria. "Dalia, are you game?"  
  
"That's Daria! And yeah, I'm game." Miho put a string around Daria's neck that a key dangled from.  
  
"Trent, are you game?"  
  
"Yeah, I'm game." She put the key around his neck.  
  
"Jane, are you..."  
  
"Gimme the damn key!" Miho smiled and did so.  
  
"Jesse, are you game?" Jesse stood stock still, in a cold sweat. "Uh-oh, look like someone don't   
  
love his little brother so much."  
  
"Wait, I'm game." he finally said. Miho gave him the key. Takaaki escourted them to the   
  
elevator.  
  
"And now, a quick look at our hostages." said Miho. They cut to the dungeon-cam. Everyone   
  
was still shackled to the wall. "She is a 40 year old research scientist from DuPont Industries   
  
and Phantom's favorite aunt, Amy Barksdale! He is a 15 year old interested in computer science   
  
and Hercules' kid brother, Daniel Moreno! She is a 50 year old potter and Flamin' Jane's mom,   
  
Amanda Lane! He is a 52 year old photographer and Sir Stretchalot's dad, Vincent Lane!"  
  
"And now, the Slashers!" The crowd went wild. "We have something special. To make things   
  
interesting, one of our two Slashers also has mutant powers. Her heart is as cold as the ice she   
  
creates. She will freeze you in your tracks. Don't you dare call her frigid! All the way from   
  
Winnepeg, Canada, give it up for the Frost Queen!"  
  
The Frost Queen arrived in a snow flurry she created herself. She wore a skimpy blue and   
  
white outfit and a mask that seemed to be made of icicles. She also wore a pacifier on her neck.   
  
"Just chill." she said icily.  
  
"Our other slasher, the T-rex of touchdowns, he's Hell in a helmet, QB Doom!"  
  
QB Doom came on stage dressed in some sort of body armor made of football pads. "They will   
  
DIIIIIIIIIIE!!!!!!!!" Doom proclamed.  
  
"Whoa!" cried Kevin. "Tommy Sherman's a Slasher! That is so cool!"  
  
"Kevvie, he's a jerk!" said Brittany.  
  
Meanwhile, in the elevator, Jane tried to calm down a trembling Jesse. "We gotta decide   
  
right now." said Trent. "Do we all stick together or do we split up?"  
  
"I can't do this alone." said Jesse. "If I get hysterical, I need someone to slap me out of it."  
  
"I'll go with you." saaid Jane. "If anyone is gonna slap Jesse, it's gonna be me."  
  
"Great." said Trent. "Daria, you stick by me."  
  
"Contestants," said a voice overhead. "Get ready to enter the arena." Jesse broke out in   
  
a cold sweat. "It's gonna be OK, Jess." Jane whispered.  
  
The doors opened. The Four hit the ground running. Daria and Trent ran one way, Jane and   
  
Jesse ran the other. Jane and Jesse hadn't run far when QB Doom jumped Jane and put a six inch   
  
blade to her throat. "Well, if it ithn't Lane'th baby thithter!" he lisped.  
  
"Let her go, Sherman!" Jesse demanded.  
  
"Whatcha gonna do, fag?" he pressed the blade closer to Jane's throat, nicking the skin.   
  
"Don't worry, it'th to early in the game to kill anyone. But I can do /thith/!" He used his blade   
  
to cut off Jane's shirt and bra, leaving her half naked. "Your brother'th the one I want!" he ran   
  
off, laughing evilly.  
  
Back in Lawndale, the boys at Brittany's party cheered. "Alright!" said Kevin. "Some full frontal!"  
  
"Kevvie!" Brittany scolded.  
  
"Her boobs aren't as nice as yours, Babe." Brittany glowed at Kevin's complement.  
  
"It's a good thing QB ripped her top off." said Quinn. "It totally clashed with her choker."  
  
Jane tried to cover herself. Jesse took off his leather vest (It was now the girls' turn to   
  
cheer.) and gave it to her. As he did, he saw a trickle of blood on her neck and went into convulsions. "Jesse, don't make me do this." said Jane. Jesse didn't seem to hear her. He let out a primal scream of terror. "JESSE!" Jane   
  
slapped him across the face. He started to calm down. "Look, it's just a scratch. I'll be fine."  
  
"I guess I'll be fine too." They started walking.  
  
"Oh man," said Jane. "I guess I panicked too. I could've flamed on and made him let go. But   
  
when he put that knife to my throat I was so scared I couldn't think straight. You gonna be OK?"  
  
"Yeah. I took a fistful of Xanax this morning."  
  
"Sure that's a good idea? You once said it slows down your reaction time."  
  
"Umm, Andrea?" asked Kevin.  
  
"Sorry, all bets are final." she answered.  
  
"If I didn't take the pills," said Jesse. "I would probably be in a corner in the fetal   
  
position crying and shaking. I'd be completly useless."  
  
"Jesse, I watched a couple of these shows. They won't kill you if you're in the middle of   
  
telling someone your backstory. Why don't you tell me why you're so freaked out."  
  
"The sight of blood just- totally creeps me out." he answered. "Usually, I throw up, faint,   
  
or both."  
  
"You seem OK with horror movies."  
  
"Fooled you, didn't I? First of all, in the back of my mind I know it's all make-believe.   
  
I know that after the scene was filmed the actor got up, probably went to her trailer for a shower   
  
and got a fat check signed by Wes Craven a week or so later. Even then, if you'll notice, I pay   
  
more attention to the popcorn than the screen." He sighed. "It all started when I was ten. After   
  
my mom died my dad started drinking real heavily. He and my big brother Matt would get into these   
  
huge screaming fights. Danny was only three. They'd fight, I'd hold my baby brother while he cried.   
  
He didn't understand anything. He doesn't even remember it now. One day, I came home from   
  
school. I went up to Matt's room to ask him for help on my homework. He-he was on the bed." Tears   
  
swam in Jesse's eyes. "He shot himself. I don't remember much that happened after that. Guess I   
  
blocked it out. It took years of therapy to get rid of the stutter I developed. Maybe the speech   
  
therapy was for the best. That's where I learned to sing. I don't blame myself for what happened   
  
to Matt anymore, but to this day I can't look at blood without becoming a complete basket case."  
  
"Wanna know something weird?" said Jane. "Your hemophobia is probably what caused me to   
  
start thinking of you as more than just my brother's quiet friend. I was thirteen. Yeah, I know,  
  
raging hormones, whatever. I came home from the art supply store one day to see you and Trent in   
  
the kitchen. You were in Trent's arms and kinda leaned over the table. At first I thought the two   
  
of you decided to be more that just good friends. Trent told me you fainted and he needed my help  
  
getting you to the couch. He told me you cut your finger trying to get a brownie. When we got you   
  
to the couch, Trent told me to hold your hand up while he grabbed a band-aid. My first   
  
thought was Why did he faint over such a tiny cut? Then, I noticed how soft your hand was and   
  
how pretty your face was. Then you woke up and asked me for a brownie."  
  
"I get hungry when I have fainting spells." he shrugged.  
  
Meanwhile, in Lawndale, Luis Moreno called Sam Higgens. "Sam, you have to help me. I-I think   
  
I might start drinking again....No, I know it's not a good choice, but I just found out both of   
  
my boys are gone. And I may never see them again!" The Morgendorfers never found the note Daria   
  
left. Quinn told them she was at Jane's for the night. They slept in peaceful ignorance.  
  
In Highland, Beavis and Butt-Head were at Stewart's house. The Stevenson's had satelite TV.   
  
"Cool!" said Butt-Head, turning it to Tokyo TV. "/Slashers/ is on!"  
  
"You guys," said Stewart. "My parents won't let me watch that. It gives me nightmares."  
  
"Whoa!" said Beavis. "Check it out, Diarrhea is on the show! Huh-huh, maybe she'll take   
  
her top off! That would be cool!"  
  
"Hey, there's that butt-munch who kept trying to touch me. Hope he buys it."  
  
"Huh-huh, let's hex him!"  
  
Back in Lawndale, at stately Sloan manor, Tom watched TV all alone. He had no real friends   
  
and his girlfriend dumped him after she found out he was running around on her. Hey, he thought.   
  
That girl getting her top ripped off by QB Doom looks just like that mutant bitch who burned me   
  
at the club. Literally. He looked at his bandaged hand. I hope she gets her fucking throat slit!  
  
Daria and Trent made their way through the labyrinth. When they came to a place where the   
  
path split Trent said "Do we go right or left?" before Daria could answer she screamed and fell   
  
over frontwards. A knife was lodged in her left shoulder. QB Doom laughed, and flung another knife   
  
in Trent's direction. He managed to dodge it. "Sherman!" he yelled.  
  
"It'th all over, Lane! You'll pay for the thuffering you've cauthed me!"  
  
Trent picked up the thrown knife. "Daria, don't move." he whispered to her. "Sherman, if   
  
you want a knife fight, you'll get one!" QB Doom rushed at Trent, blade drawn. Trent swerved and   
  
thrust his blade into Doom's ribs, only to tear the makeshift armor he made from football pads.   
  
They pushed away from each other and began to warily circle each other like a pair of wolves.   
  
They were sizing up each other, gauging strengths and weknesses. Doom was born to compete, especially   
  
when it involved hurting someone. He took a slash at Trent's face. It barely scratched him. Doom   
  
ducked as Trent sliced at him. Doom jumped back. "You thould be bleeding all over the plathe!" he   
  
complained.  
  
"Rubber skin." Trent replied. "I'm surprised you did that much damage."  
  
"Diamond tipped knife."  
  
Doom made another feint. Trent parried. They got in close. In a desperate move, Trent kneed   
  
Doom in the groin. He only laughed. "It'th called a jock cup." he sneered.   
  
"I almotht pity you, Lane." he said as he struck at him. "You make it to eathy!"  
  
"And you talk to much!" Trent rammed the knife into Doom's belly. Doom froze, dropped the   
  
knife and fell. Trent left him and went to Daria. He pulled the knife out of her shoulder, making   
  
her cry out again. "Just hold still." he told her. He took off her leather jacket, the one he gave   
  
her for Valentine's. Ruined now, but it ultimatly saved her life. He took off her shirt and his   
  
and started ripping them into bandages.  
  
"Aren't they supposed to go to the Love Room to do that?" asked Kevin.  
  
"Well," said Jodi. "Everyone got topless before the first commercial break. That's a record."  
  
"The wound isn't to deep." said Trent, tying the strips of cloth together. "And it's your   
  
off shoulder. You'll be fine." He helped her up and they ran away.   
  
"Everyone stay where you are." said an overhead voice. "/Slashers/ is pausing for a commercial   
  
break. Any attempt to move from where you are now will result in pacification." Daria and Trent   
  
stood and held each other.  
  
In Lawndale, everyone watched an ad for Black Lung cigarettes. "I wanna audition for /Slashers/   
  
someday." Brittany decided.  
  
"Uh, Babe," said Kevin. "I know it's 6 million dollars, but do you really wanna go toe to   
  
toe with Chainsaw Charly?"  
  
"And get icky blood all over me? No! I wanna try out for the Slasherettes! I'm real good   
  
at jumping up and down and I can do the splits!"  
  
"One problem, Brittany." said Jodi. "All the Slasherettes are Japanese, Chinese, Korean-I   
  
think one is Vietnamese. Your blonde hair and blue eyes would make you stick out like a sore thumb."  
  
"Oh." Brittany twirled her pigtails and thought-not an easy task for her. "I know!" she said.   
  
"I can train Tiffany and Mima to be cheerleaders, get them to audition for the Slasherettes, and   
  
it'll be like I'm a Slasherette, only vibrationally."  
  
"I assume you mean vicariously." said Jodi.  
  
"Whatever." Brittany grabbed the two Asian girls. "Come on, Mima and Tiffany, let's start   
  
training!"  
  
"I. Don't. Know." said Tiffany. "Sweat. Eew."  
  
"Brittany, I'm just not interested." said Mima.  
  
Brittany ignored their protests and put a Baha Men CD in the hifi. "Just do what I do!" She   
  
went into a routine to the beat of "Move It Like This." Tiffany's stick thin body made her move   
  
with all the grace of a scarecrow. Mima folded her arms and refused to move at all. "Mima!" said   
  
Brittany. "If you can do that Hong Kong Fuey stuff, I know you can cheerlead!"  
  
"I assume you mean Kung fu." Mima sighed. "And I don't. Kung fu is a broad term covering   
  
several /Chinese/ techniques of martial arts. I do the Japanese techniques of karate and judo."  
  
"What's the differance?" shrugged Kevin.  
  
"Stand up." said Mima. "This is karate." She rained a series of chops on Kevin's neck and   
  
shoulders. "This is judo." She sent Kevin into a judo roll.  
  
"Ow!" Kevin groaned, getting up. "That hurt!"  
  
"Once more!" said Mima. "Karate!" She kicked Kevin in the stomache. He doubled over in pain.   
  
"Judo!" She flipped him over.  
  
"Quiet!" said Quinn. "It's back on."  
  
Trent and Daria were making their way through the labyrinth. "Yo, camera dude." Trent said  
  
to the man with the camera. "You wouldn't happen to know which way to the dungeon, would you?" He said nothing.  
  
"Forget it, Trent." said Daria. "Silence is his motto."  
  
"That or he doesn't speak English."  
  
"I speak Engrish." said the camera man in a heavy accent. "I ter you dis much. Tark of   
  
something intresting. For examper, QB Doom seem to have vendetta against Sir Stretcharot. Why?"  
  
"OK." said Trent. "I've known Tommy Sherman, AKA QB Doom, since we were in kindergarten.   
  
He was always the class bully. He saw something he wanted, he took it. The hell with anyone else.   
  
He was always a bit of a sadist too. Liked to torture bugs and small animals. Picked on anyone   
  
smaller than him. He was a big kid too. He wouldn't bully me cuz I wouldn't let him. He liked   
  
picking on my best friend Jesse. Jesse kinda stuttered when he was a kid. Kids are cruel."  
  
"Humanity is cruel." said Daria. "It wasn't kids who put us in this death trap."  
  
"You got a point. Anyway, in high school, Jesse was starting to get bigger than Tommy. He   
  
got jealous and made fun of him more. If Jesse benched 100 in gym class he'd say only fags lifted   
  
weights without playing football. Lots of girls liked Jesse. There's some unwritten rule saying   
  
girls can't ask out guys-I think it's pretty stupid-so, they'd ask me to set them up. The dates   
  
would only last a night or two. Jesse can get kinda shy around girls. Tommy saw that as a threat.   
  
He'd rag on Jesse every chance he got. He'd get his friends into the act too. Luckily, Jesse's   
  
got some good friends too. Me, Max, Nick, sometimes Axl would stand up to him. Around graduation,   
  
Tommy's girlfriend, a cheerleader named Candy, informed us that Tommy and his friends were gonna   
  
chant 'fag' when Jesse's name was called. We didn't go to the ceremony and later that night,   
  
Tommy Sherman murdered Candy Appels."  
  
"Candy Appels?" said Daria. "Was she a cheerleader or a porn star?"  
  
"That was her name." Trent faced the camera. "Did anyone in Lawndale hear that? Tommy Sherman   
  
killed Candy Appels! He told me once when he thought he was going to kill me."  
  
"See Kevvie!" said Brittany. "I told you he was a jerk!"  
  
"But he's still cool." Kevin got an idea. "Hey, cool. Jerk. Cool Jerk! Get it?" He stood up   
  
and danced. "I know a cat who can really do the Cool Jerk!"  
  
"Sit down so we can watch this!" said Quinn.  
  
"I saved his life once." Trent continued. "He was standing next to this goalpost that had   
  
been dedicated to him, bragging about what a big man he was on the field when the wind started to   
  
blow the post over. He wouldn't listen to me when I tried to warn him so I stretched my arms   
  
across the field and pushed him out of the way. I don't know why I did it. Gratitude isn't in   
  
Sherman's vocabulary."  
  
"A lot of words aren't in Sherman's vocabulary." said Daria.  
  
"Good one." Trent smiled. "When I pushed Sherman out of harm's way he lost one of his front   
  
teeth. That's why he talks with a lisp. He'll stop at nothing to get even." He gave Daria the   
  
bloody knife he had pulled from her shoulder. "Here, you might need a weapon later."   
  
Daria had distastefully taken the knife when a huge icicle broke at their feet. "Enough of   
  
this!" cried Frost Queen. She leapt from the rafters and summersaulted to the floor. She landed   
  
in a crouch and said "Who's up for a snowball fight?"  
  
"What have you got against us, Frost Queen?" Daria asked, readying her knife. "All we want   
  
is to save the hostages. None of us even know you."  
  
"I'm in it for the money." Frost Queen replied. "What else?" She hurled a jet of frost at   
  
Trent, who was coming at her with his knife. Daria jumped Frost Queen from behind, slashing her   
  
bare back. Frost Queen shrieked and turned. "That fucking hurt!" she yelled.  
  
"You're the one wearing the skimpy costume." said Daria.  
  
"Oh, you're a fine one to talk, Miss A-cup!" Daria was only wearing a bra, jeans and the   
  
makeshift bandages.   
  
Daria went invisible and fought Frost Queen. She couldn't fight what she couldn't see. After   
  
struggling briefly, Frost Queen summoned a snow storm. The floor was covered with ice and snow.   
  
Daria could barely walk without slipping and her footprints in the snow gave away her location.   
  
Frost Queen seemed to have no trouble walking on ice. "Now we're even, Phantom!" she said. After   
  
a few minutes of tossling with the snow mutant, Daria felt a severe electric shock.  
  
"Your time limit has expired." said an overhead voice. "You must become visible now." It took   
  
another shock to spur Daria. As she became visable, Frost Queen readied an icicle aimed at Daria's   
  
throat. Daria noticed Frost Queen wore snowflake shaped earrings. She reached up and yanked on one.   
  
Frost Queen screached and grabbed her torn earlobe. "You bitch!" she screamed. Daria gave her a   
  
boot to the head, knocking her unconscous. She turned her attention to Trent, who was completly   
  
encased in ice save for his head and right arm.  
  
"Forget about me, Daria." he said. "Get outta here before she wakes up."  
  
"I won't leave you!" She started picking away at the ice with her knife.   
  
"Forget it, it's too thick." he said. "Go rescue your aunt. Tell Dad I'm sorry."  
  
"Trent, don't you dare make me cry on television."  
  
"Just leave already."  
  
"No!"  
  
"Leave or I'll start quoting from /Titanic/."  
  
"You always had a way of getting me to do things. I love you." she kissed him. He stroked   
  
her hair with his free hand.  
  
"I love you too." he said gently. "Now go." She reluctantly left him. He never let on that  
  
the ice felt like thousands of little pins and needles stinging his flesh. I've been tattooed and   
  
pierced. he reminded himself. I can take it. He started to worry when the stinging stopped. He   
  
couldn't feel anything.  
  
Jane and Jesse made their way through the labyrinth. With a cruel laugh, QB Doom turned the   
  
corner, a machette in his hands. "Lane thought he was bad getting me in the thtomache," Doom had   
  
used his jersey as a makesift bandage. "You will both die!"  
  
"I'm not afraid of you anymore, Sherman!" Jesse yelled, standing in front of Jane.  
  
"Keep telling yourthelf that, Fag." said QB Doom. "Maybe you'll beleive it."  
  
Doom slashed at Jesse. He ducked and did a sweep kick. Doom was down. Jesse jumped on him   
  
and clasped the helmeted head between his hands. He started to sqeeze. The helmet began to crack.   
  
Doom reached for his dropped machette. Just as he was about to stab Jesse in the back, Jane threw   
  
a thin jet of flame at his hand, causing him to drop the blade.  
  
"Fucking bitch!" He yelled.  
  
"DON'T EVER CALL HER THAT!" Jesse went completly berserk. He picked Doom up and smashed him   
  
against the wall hard enough to leave a hole. He beat Doom's head against the floor several times.   
  
He knelt on Doom's chest and swung at him, ignoring his own bleeding knuckles. Jane tried to tell   
  
him to stop, but he didn't listen. He grabbed Doom's throat and sqeezed untill it came off- revealing   
  
sparking wires and circuitry.  
  
"He-he was a robot!" said Jane.  
  
"Yeah." Jesse panted. He looked down at his bloodied hands. He suddenly realized that all   
  
the hurt and rage he had tried so hard to bottle up all these years had finally been unleashed.   
  
Jesse wept.  
  
Jane took his hands. "Jesse, we better keep moving."  
  
They came across Trent, who was trying hard not to lose consciousness. The floor was slick   
  
and Frost Queen lay nearby. "Trent," said Jane, slapping his cheek. "Trent, stay awake."  
  
"Ugh, so c-cold." he muttered.  
  
"I'll have you out in a minute. Jesse, make sure Frost Queen doesn't wake up and try anything   
  
funny." Jane put her hands on Trent's frozen shoulder and slowly turned on her flames, like she   
  
did with the popcorn. The ice began to melt. Jane moved her hands down, melting more ice. She was   
  
alarmed at the blanched pallor her brother's flesh had taken. Frost Queen came to. Jesse seized   
  
her hands and held them behind her back. Jane continued to melt the ice. She was almost   
  
finished when Trent began to stumble forward. She caught him and got him to sit down while she   
  
finished.  
  
"Janey, I can't feel my legs." he said.  
  
"Jesse," said Jane. "Get Trent out of here. I'll handle the Frost Queen."  
  
Jesse let Frost Queen go and picked Trent up in a fireman's carry. As they left, Frost Queen   
  
got to her feet. "I will so enjoy this." she said, hurling a jet of ice at Jane. Jane countered   
  
with a jet of fire. Both jets desintigrated in the air. "It appears our powers cancel each other."  
  
"It appears." Jane approached Frost Queen, ready to fight hand to hand.  
  
"But, how well do you fight on an icy floor?" She made the floor even more slick with ice.   
  
Jane slipped. Frost Queen hurled an icicle at her. Jane rolled out of the way and tossed a fireball   
  
at her attacker. It knocked her down and gave her a third degree burn on her breasts. She screamed   
  
in pain.  
  
"Regretting your choice of costume?" asked Jane, getting back on her feet.  
  
"Die, bitch!" Frost Queen drew back her hand.  
  
"Attention," said the over head voice. "/Slashers/ is pausing for another comercial break.   
  
(Shit! hissed Frost Queen.) Any attempt to move will result in pacification."  
  
"You know," said Jane. "I'm getting real sick of being called a bitch."  
  
Jesse heard the announcer and stood in the coridor with Trent still slung over his shoulder.   
  
"Jess," Trent said.  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Would you mind taking your hand off my butt?"  
  
"Oh, sorry." He moved his hand. "Hey, that means you're not totally frozen. You can still   
  
feel things."  
  
"I think I'm starting to thaw." He experimentally squeezed his formerly frozen arm. The   
  
skin was deathly cold and felt like it was being bruised even with a small squeeze. At least it   
  
was something.  
  
Daria found herself in a strange room. While all the other rooms and corridors of the   
  
labyrinth were dark and spooky, this room was painted cotton candy pink and was furnished with   
  
a fluffy canopy bed. "Great, I'm in Quinn's room." she thought. "I really am in Hell."  
  
"Attention," said the voice. "Commercial break will be over in 4,3,2..."  
  
Daria made her way to a door on the other side. QB Doom was there waiting for her. She tried   
  
to slam the door in his face. He grabbed it and muscled his way in. Daria ran to the other door,   
  
only to find it locked. QB Doom laughed and barred the door he came through. "A little joke they   
  
like to play on Thlatherth." he said. "Thometimeth, the door lockth behind you."  
  
"Trent stabbed you in the gut! You shouldn't be here!"  
  
"He and the fag only dithpatched one of my QB-bots. You know where you are?"  
  
"Strawberry Shortcake's boudoir?" Daria guessed.  
  
Doom laughed evily. "My dear mithery chick, you are in the Love Room! I can think of no   
  
better way to get vengeanth on Lane than by raping and killing his girlfriend!"  
  
"Over my dead body!"  
  
"Not a bad idea." Doom raised a machette above his head and came after her. Daria went   
  
invisible and ducked.   
  
Meanwhile, Jane and Frost Queen were slugging it out. Jane was melting Frost Queen's ice   
  
as fast as she could make it. "We could be here all day doing this, Firey One." said Frost Queen.  
  
"I'm all for an old fashioned cat fight if you are." said Jane.  
  
"Music to my ears." Frost Queen clawed at Jane's face with her nails. Jane grabbed a   
  
fistful of white-blonde hair and pulled. The two scratched, kicked and bit.   
  
"Whoa, huh-huh," said Butt-Head. "Chick fights are cool."  
  
"Yeah, huh-huh." agreed Beavis. "Maybe they'll kiss."  
  
"You guys." Stewart said affectionatly.  
  
Jesse came to a door and opened it. "Trent," he said. "I think I found the dungeon."  
  
"My parents," said Trent. "Are they OK?"  
  
"See for yourself." He took Trent's half frozen body off his shoulder and propped him against   
  
a wall. All the hostages were there, shackled to the wall. Jesse took off his key and went to   
  
Danny. "Hang on, little bro." he said and unlocked the shackles. "You know, I could probably let   
  
everyone else go too." He reached for Amy's shackles and attempted to break them. A severe shock   
  
stopped him in his tracks.  
  
"You are only allowed to free /your/ hostage." said the Voice.  
  
"Take your brother and run." said Amy "We'll be fine."  
  
"Jess," said Trent. "I still can't walk. And my stretch powers aren't working."  
  
Jesse carried Trent to where his father was shackled. Trent unlocked the fetters.  
  
"Trent," said Vincent. "We've been watching on the monitor. I heard what you said to Daria.   
  
Trent, /I'm/ the one who should be sorry."  
  
"We'll talk about it later, Dad." said Trent.  
  
"Are you OK?"  
  
"Yeah, I'm fine."  
  
"Don't lie to me, son. I know frostbite when I see it."  
  
"Mom, Janey's coming for you."  
  
"I know she is. Trent, I-"  
  
"Like I said, we'll talk about it later." Trent kissed his mother's cheek. Tears came to   
  
her eyes. She suddenly realized she hadn't kissed her youngest son since he was very little.   
  
"Touching." said Amy. "But is anyone watching the monitor? You better hustle over to the   
  
Love Room. QB Doom is planning to have his way with Daria."  
  
"That son of a bitch!" said Trent. "I'll kill him!"  
  
"Let's go." Jesse hefted Trent back on to his shoulder.  
  
In the Love Room, QB Doom swung his machete in every direction. An invisible Daria was keeping   
  
her distance while looking for a way to fight or flee. A nerve racking shock assaulted Daria's   
  
body. "Your five minutes has expired." said the Voice.  
  
"He's gonna kill me, you dickhead!" Daria responded. Another shock. She became visable.   
  
QB Doom tackled her onto the bed. He put a hand on her throat and a padded knee on her stomache.   
  
He used his machete to cut away at her jeans. "You take what you take." Daria told him. "I give   
  
you nothing!"  
  
Just then, Vincent and Danny battered down the door with a ram they made from one of the   
  
prop tables. Jesse hit Doom- with Trent.  
  
"That fucking hurt!" said Trent.  
  
"Sorry, reflex." Jesse responded.  
  
"You will pay!" Doom swung his blade, slashing Vincent across the chest.  
  
"NO!" Trent screamed.  
  
Jesse grabbed Doom from behind, trying to restrain him. Doom responded with a fist to the   
  
nose. Blood spurted out. Daria grabbed a splintered board and helped Jesse attack Doom. Trent tended   
  
to his father.  
  
"Go on, Trent," Vincent gasped in pain. "Leave me."  
  
"No," he said. "Dad, I have to save you."  
  
"You already have." Vincent closed his eyes and slipped into unconscousness.  
  
"No, Dad, Dad! Dammit, don't you die on me." He took off Vincent's shirt and started dressing   
  
the wound. He took a pulse. Thready, but there. He realized the shirt wouldn't be enough. To hell   
  
with modesty. he decided and took off his jeans.   
  
Daria and Jesse finally had Doom subdued. Jesse held him on the bed while Daria put Doom's   
  
own machete to his throat. "We could just kill him." she said.  
  
"But, that's not our way." said Jesse.  
  
"Fine, Mr. Morality." Daria took back the blade. "Just KO him then."  
  
"With pleasure." Jesse punched hard enough to break through the helmet and knock out Doom.   
  
"Your aunt's in the dungeon. Keep following the corridor we came out of and turn right. Can't miss it."  
  
"Thanks." Daria went to rescue her aunt. She paused when she saw Trent.  
  
"Just go." he said before she could say anything. She left. "Jesse, get my dad out of here."  
  
"I'm going to save both of you." he said decisivly. "Two of you together are only, what, 300   
  
or so pounds? Super strength, remember?"  
  
"Dad's hurt bad. You can't just toss him over your shoulder."  
  
Jesse took Vincent into his arms. "Danny," he said. "Help Trent get on my back. We're   
  
hauling our asses outta here."  
  
"All right!" Danny helped Trent on to Jesse's back. He wrapped his arms around his neck,   
  
preparing to be carried piggyback.   
  
"Let's go." said Trent.  
  
Daria came to the dungeon. "Ready to go, Aunt Amy?" she said, taking out the key.  
  
"You bet." Daria had just released her when Jane limped in. Her hair was torn and she was   
  
covered in claw and bite marks.  
  
"Let's get the hell outta here, Mom." she said, unlocking her mother's shackles. Amanda   
  
embraced her daughter. "Uh, Mom, you do know we're on TV, right?"  
  
"I don't care." she sobbed. "I'm never letting you go again, Baby!"  
  
Jane hugged her. "What about the bit about the butterflies?" she said a bit wryly.  
  
"I've been so very wrong, Janey." said Amanda. "Can you ever forgive me?"  
  
"I'm saving you, aren't I?"  
  
"Let's go before I get cavities." said Daria.  
  
The four women made their way back through the labyrinth. Suddenly, QB Doom leaped in their  
  
path. "You thoulda killed me." he said, waving his machete menacingly. "I won't thow you any   
  
thuch merthy!"  
  
"Is he serious?" asked Amy.  
  
"Like a heart attack." Daria replied.  
  
"Flame on!" Jane threw a fireball at Doom. His padded armor became a firey prison he could   
  
not escape. "That was for ripping my top off!" The four women made a run for it as Doom tried   
  
desperatly to extinguish his burning body.  
  
The whole group met at the elevator. The Voice announced that the show was now over.  
  
"Oh wow! I can't believe it!" said Miho. "All four contestants are alive /and/ so are the   
  
hostages! Let's give them all a big hand!" They found themselves looking out at an audiance who   
  
found their hellish ordeal entertaining. "You win seven million dollar each! You must all feel   
  
very proud!"  
  
Daria punched Miho in the face.  
  
"Turn that fucking camera off!" yelled Jane. She destroyed it with a fireball.  
  
Dammit, thought Quinn. Now not only do I still have Daria as a sister, but she's richer   
  
than me too!  
  
/Slashers/ kept medics on hand for after the show. Miho was given an ice pack. Vincent   
  
required 52 stitches to close his wound. Jesse's bloody nose and knuckles were treated. He was   
  
given a sedative when he started going into convulsions. Jane's scratches were disinfected. Daria's   
  
stab wound needed 17 stitches and her cuts were bandaged. The only thing that would help Trent   
  
was a warm bath.  
  
Back in the Imperial Hotel, the Formidable Four packed while reuniting with their loved   
  
ones. "I'll tell Trent we're almost ready to go." said Daria. She headed for the bathroom.  
  
"Daria, wait." said Amanda. She gave her a huge hug. "Welcome to the family."  
  
"Uh, Thanks, Mrs. Lane."  
  
"Amanda." She leaned forward and whispered. "I think you're just what Trent needs."  
  
Daria went in the bathroom. Trent had fallen asleep in the bath tub. She kissed him awake.  
  
"Hey, Daria." he smiled.  
  
"Hey yourself. Feeling any better?"  
  
"Still kinda tingly, but I can move my toes again. I can probably walk now, but I think I   
  
better wait a few days before I use my stretch powers. Get me a towel?"  
  
"Sure." She got the towel from the rack. She noticed a sign that read "It is forbidden to   
  
steal towels from hotel. If you are not person to do such thing, please disregard this notice." She read it to Trent. He thought it was funny.  
  
They were all packed when there was a knock at the door. It was Ingaki.  
  
"If you value your life," growled Jane. "You'll get the hell outta my sight right now!"  
  
"Ah, if you please, Miss Lane," he said with a bow. "I only come to present you with your   
  
checks." He presented four checks. "I am honorable man, after all."  
  
"Honorable," sniffed Daria. "You imprisoned the people we love, nearly got us all killed in   
  
the name of entertainment and you /dare/ call yourself honorable?"  
  
"Well, if you don't want your money," he began.  
  
"She didn't say she didn't want the money." said Amy.  
  
"But," said Daria.  
  
"Daria, this money could really help put you through college."  
  
"But," she protested.  
  
"But me no buts, Missy." said Amy. "Take the money."  
  
As the Formidable Four flew back to Lawndale, Ingaki got a call on his cell phone. It was   
  
Arcade. "I saw the show, Ingaki." he said. "I didn't like it."  
  
"They survived, our viewers were entertained. What's not to like?"  
  
"I'll deal with you later, Ingaki!" Arcade hung up and sighed. He glared at the client sitting   
  
across the deak from him. "I'm terribly sorry, sir." he said. "This is the first time I've ever   
  
had to give someone their money back." He pushed the briefcase of money across the desk.  
  
"Thith maketh me very upthet, Mithter Arcade. But mark my wordth, I thwear that one day I   
  
will have my vengeanth on Trent Lane and the Formidable Four!"  
  
IN THE NEXT ISSUE OF THE FORMIDABLE FOUR:  
  
If I hadn't been looking at that girl doing cartwheels with no panties, we wouldn't be in   
  
this mess!  
  
Ummm...IsawJessenaked.  
  
I love you, man!  
  
Are you laughing at me, or laughing with me?  
  
It's enough to make Sonny Bono turn over in his grave.   
  
(A/N) /$la$her$/ belongs to Maurice Devereaux. After seeing his film I wondered how the Formidable   
  
Four would handle the situation. Music haters  
  
probably liked this fic. The only songs mentioned were Bootsy Collin's "Cool Jerk" and Baha Men's "Move It Like This". I didn't quote the lyrics to the song because  
  
they're inane and repetitive. Just the thing Brittany would listen to. Music haters will hate the   
  
next fic. It involves a mind controlling Kareoke machine.  
  
Japanese translations are as follows:  
  
Komici wa = Hello  
  
Yoshi = Good  
  
Domo Arigatu = Thank You  
  
bishonen = beautiful boy  
  
A note on Jesse and religion. I figured he might have come from a religious family because   
  
his name and Danny's (OK, Daniel) are both  
  
biblical. Jesse means "God is". In the Bible, Jesse was the name of David's father. Daniel means   
  
"God will judge me" and is the name of a prophet  
  
who was thrown to the lions for refusing to renounce God. Matt (Or Matthew), the brother I made   
  
up, shares a name with an appostle and his name  
  
means "Gift of God". The name Moreno comes from an old Spanish word meaning "changed one". It was   
  
applied to Jews, Muslims and Gypsies  
  
who converted to Catholicism during the Spanish Inquisition. By the by, I'm agnostic myself but   
  
I respect the rights of others to belive what they  
  
will as long as they don't try to force their beliefs on me. I also find that nothing pisses off   
  
a right-wing conservative Christian more than an  
  
agnostic who knows the Bible. 


	12. Don't Worry, Get Violent

Fanfiction FourXII: Don't Worry, Get Violent.  
  
Daria and Jane sat in the back of the Tank II with the slumbering Max and Nick. Trent was   
  
driving to the Zen and Jesse had shotgun. "So, Jane," said Daria. "Figured out what you're gonna   
  
do with your 7 million?"  
  
"That's gonna buy a lot of art supplies." she answered. "I put most of it away for now. You?"  
  
"Same. It'll more than get me through college and when I turn 18 at the end of summer I can   
  
play the market a little. I see Trent's already spent some of his." She eyed a custom built Les Paul.  
  
"Jesse insisted that Danny take a couple million and save it for college. He's a smart kid, Danny.   
  
He could go to MIT if he wanted. Jesse also made a donation to breast cancer research. I'm trying to find   
  
a worthy charity myself. Too many to choose from."  
  
"Red Cross is good, I guess."  
  
"Know something, Daria?" said Jane. "Ever since me and Trent rescued our parents, they've   
  
been around more. Dad says he won't travel any more than he has to for his job and Mom's been   
  
acting like-well-a mom. Better late than never, I guess."  
  
When they got to the Zen, one of the security guards greeted them. "You won't be setting up   
  
tonight." he said a bit apologetically. "The boss is tryin' something new- Karioke night."  
  
"Anyone for watching people make fools of themselves on stage?" asked Daria. It sounded like   
  
a good idea. They all went in. Up on stage, Kevin and Brittany were mauling "I Got You Babe."  
  
"They say we're young and we don't know," squeaked Brittany. "Won't find out until we grow."  
  
"Well I...don't kuh-now if all...that's t-true," Kevin struggled to read the monitor. "Cuz   
  
you got me and baby I got you....Babe."  
  
"It's enough to make Sonny Bono turn over in his grave." sighed Trent.  
  
"Hopefully," said Daria. "This song will do for them what it did for Sonny and Cher."  
  
"Um, but, Sonny and Cher got divorced." said Trent.  
  
"Precisely." Daria said.  
  
Kevin and Brittany continued to mangle the song. "I got flo-flowers in the sssprring. I got   
  
you to wee-are my r-ring."  
  
"And when I'm sad, you're a clown." Brittany crooned.  
  
"He's always a clown." Jane comented.  
  
"And if I get scared, you're always arooooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuund!" Everyone in the   
  
club shuddered at the screaching high note the cheerleader hit.  
  
They sat at the bar. "Four Cokes." Trent told the bartender.  
  
"That's what happens when you date underaged girls." Max remarked. "You start to drink like one."  
  
"Max," Trent said warningly and nodded towards Jesse.  
  
"Oh, sorry Jess." said Max.  
  
"It's cool." he replied.  
  
"I'll have a Michelobe." said Nick.  
  
"You would." said Max. "I'm having Coors."  
  
"What's wrong with Michelobe?"  
  
"It's a pansy drink, that's what's wrong!"  
  
"Only backwoods red-necks drink Coors."  
  
"Better a red-neck than a pansy!"  
  
"Red-neck!"  
  
"Pansy!"  
  
"Will you guys just shut up and drink your beers before they go flat?" Trent suggested.  
  
Kevin and Brittany finished the song. A new girl got on stage and said "My name's Shirly Orson   
  
and I wanna dedicate this song to my no good ex-boyfriend Tom Sloan and any poor girl that might be   
  
thinking of becoming his new girlfriend." She took a deep breath and belted out "Goldfinger, He's the   
  
man, the man with the Midas touch. A spider's touch. Such a cold finger. Beckons you, to enter his web   
  
of sin. But don't go in. Golden words he will pour in your ear, but his lies can't disguise what you   
  
fear. For a golden girl knows when he's kissed her, it's the kiss of death, from Mr. Goldfinger."  
  
"Speaking of gold," said Jane, not realizing the heartbreak she escaped in this reality.   
  
"Have you guys decided what to do with your millions?"  
  
"They're gonna give it all to me." Max said facetiously.  
  
"You wish." said Trent. "Actually-um- Jesse and me have talked about-something."  
  
Is it just my imagination, thought Daria. Or is Trent blushing?  
  
"This heart is cold!" sang Shirly. "He loves only gold! Only gold! He loves gold! He loves   
  
only gold! Only gold!"  
  
"OK, we get it." said Jane. "He loves gold."  
  
Shirly took a bow and handed the mike to Jodi. "My name is Jodi Landon and I want to dedicate   
  
this song to my boyfriend Michael McKenzie, because he's so great at putting up with me." The music started. She sang "For all those times you stood by me. For all the truth that you made me see. For all the joy you brought to my life. For all the wrong that you made right. For every dream you made come true. For all the love I found in you. I'll be forever thankful baby. You're the one who held me up. Never let me fall. You're the one who saw me through it all."  
  
"Um, Jane." said Jesse. "Could you go somewhere with me?"  
  
"Where?"  
  
"Um, over there?" He pointed out a secluded corner of the club.  
  
"Sure." she shrugged and got off the barstool. "Don't wait up for me." she told Daria.  
  
"OK, boys." Trent told Max and Nick. "Take a hike."  
  
"Man," groused Max. "Guy gets a girl, he don't want his pals around no more." The two left.  
  
"Um, Daria?" he said once they were (semi) alone.  
  
Is he blushing again? "Yes?"  
  
"Daria, when we we're doing /Slashers/, I learned something. I learned that life is short,   
  
fragile and precious."  
  
Great. thought Daria. Now comes the part where he tells me that because life is short he   
  
wants to date other girls.  
  
"I've been thinking about this a long time, how I'd say it without sounding cliched, how   
  
you'd answer. I might as well just say it. Daria, will you marry me?"  
  
Daria had to do a double take. "What?"  
  
"I did it wrong, didn't I? I'm supposed to get on one knee, right?" He got off his barstool   
  
and knealed down.  
  
"Trent, you don't need to."  
  
He pulled a jewel box out of his pocket and opened it. It held a gold ring with a dazzling   
  
diamond. "Daria, will you..."  
  
"Yes!" Trent stood and took her in his arms. She put the ring on. "Trent," she said. "You   
  
understand I wanna finish my senior year first, right?"  
  
"I can wait just as long as you can." They held each other to the end of the song.  
  
Meanwhile, Jesse and Jane listened to the song. "You were my strength when I was weak. You   
  
were my voice when I couldn't speak. You were my eyes when I couldn't see. You saw the best there   
  
was in me."  
  
"Who knew Jodi was such a good singer?" said Jane.  
  
"Yeah." said Jesse. "Um, Jane?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
Jesse gulped the knot in his throat. "Um, um...."  
  
"What is it?"  
  
"Did it suddenly get hot in here?" He could feel sweat forming on his brow.  
  
"No, Jesse, it's just you."  
  
"Jane, I, would, um..." He reached in his pocket and wordlessly gave her a jewelbox.  
  
"Jesse, is this what I think it is?"  
  
"Uh-huh." He blushed.  
  
Jane opened the box to find a gold ring with an opal and an emerald. "Our birthstones." she said.  
  
"The lady at the store said opals mean 'hope' and emeralds mean 'love'."  
  
Jane put the ring on. "Jesse, I'll marry you."  
  
"Cool." He smiled and took her in his arms.  
  
At the end of the song, Jane and Jesse returned to the bar. Jane noticed the diamond sparkling   
  
on Daria's finger. "You, too?" she asked, showing her own ring.  
  
"Looks like we're all engaged." said Daria.  
  
"Told you you could do it." Trent told Jesse.  
  
"You knew?" asked Jane.  
  
"We kinda ran into each other at the jewelry store." said Trent. "Hey, Daria, want me to   
  
dedicate a song for you?"  
  
"If you want to."  
  
"Jesse," said Jane. "Would you do a song for me?"  
  
"I don't do solos." Jesse said, taking another sip of Coke.  
  
"Jesse," said Trent. "You've really gotta put that incident in chorus behind you."  
  
Quinn and the fashion club were now on stage. "Yo, I tell you what I want, what I really really want." she sang.  
  
"So tell me what you want, what you really really want." sang the rest of the girls.  
  
"Trent," said Daria. "That's going to be your sister-in-law. Still wanna get married?"  
  
"Hmmm....Yeah."he decided.  
  
"May we sit here now?" Max asked, approaching with Nick in tow.  
  
"Sure." said Trent. "It wasn't personal. I just wanted to be alone when I popped the question."  
  
"You two are getting married?" asked Nick.  
  
"All four of us." Jane showed her ring.  
  
"Well, whadya know." said Max. "Our two buddies are getting hooked up to the ball and chain."  
  
"Can I be the best man?" asked Nick.  
  
"No." said Max. "I'm the best man."  
  
"The hell you say!"  
  
"Alright, shut up, both of you." said Trent. "One of you can be my best man the other can   
  
be Jesse's best man. Can't you go five minutes without fighting?" He shook his head. "Anyway, Jesse   
  
and I have been talking. We wanna know what you girls think. After we're married we can pool our   
  
money together and move into one of those fancy penthouses in New York. They're pricy, but still far   
  
less than 28 mil. If Max and Nick wanna move to New York we can really get the band started and you   
  
girls could go to college or whatever."  
  
"I don't mind going to New York." said Max. "It'll get me out of my parents house."  
  
"And I've been dying to get the hell away from my mom." said Nick. "Unfortunatly, I'll probably   
  
be stuck with Max as a roommate."  
  
"I've always wanted to go to New York." said Jane. "It's a great place for an artist to live."  
  
"I hear NYU is a good school." said Daria.  
  
"Well," said Trent. "Now that we've got the future planned out, I've got a song to do."  
  
Trent picked out a song and took the stage. "This one's for my girl-I mean, fiancee, Daria   
  
Morgendorfer." A loud Def Leppard number started. Trent sang "Step inside, walk this way. You and   
  
me babe, hey, hey! Love is like a bomb, baby, c'mon get it on. Livin' like a lover with a radar phone.   
  
Lookin' like a tramp, like a video vamp. Demolition woman, can I be your man?"  
  
"Not too romantic, I'm affraid." said Jane. Daria wasn't listening to her. She was enrapt   
  
by Trent's singing, or rather, the way he was singing. He put his whole body into the song, gyrating   
  
to the beat.  
  
"Hey! C'mon, take a bottle." he sang. "Shake it up. Break the bubble. Break it up. Pour some   
  
sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love. Pour some sugar on me. C'mon fire me up. Pour your sugar on   
  
me. Oh, I can't get enough. I'm hot, sticky sweet. From my head to my feet yeah."  
  
"Hey, little Miss Innocent," Jane said to Daria. "Close your mouth. Flies are getting in."  
  
"You got the peaches, I got the cream." Trent sang. "Sweet to taste, saccharine. Cuz I'm hot,   
  
say what, sticky sweet from my head, my head, to my feet." He finished the last chorus and came back   
  
to the bar.  
  
"Trent," said Daria. "I want you and I want you right now."  
  
"Um, OK." They went off to the Tank II for some private time.  
  
"So, Jesse." said Jane. "Having second thoughts about going on stage?"  
  
Jane was surprised by the next person who came on stage. "Hello!" he said cheerfully. "My   
  
name is Timothy O'Niel and I'm dedicating this song to each and every one of you!" He began to   
  
sing "Here's a little song I wrote. You might wanna sing it note for note."  
  
"Didn't Bobby McFerrin write this?" asked Jesse. In a few minutes, the writer of the song   
  
didn't matter to him.  
  
"Don't worry." sang O'Neil. "Be happy. In every life we have some trouble. When you worry   
  
you make it double. Don't worry, be happy. Don't worry, be happy now."  
  
Out side in the parking lot the Tank II bounced up and down furiously. Gradually it stopped.   
  
Inside, Trent disposed of a used condom in the trash bag they kept up front. He returned to Daria's   
  
arms."That was great." he said, holding her close. "I'll give you a quarter back tomorrow. I gotta   
  
start remembering to keep change on me."  
  
"Forget it." said Daria. "We both needed the condom. I don't want to get pregnant."  
  
Trent held her and kissed her forehead. "God, I love you so much."  
  
"I love you too, Trent." she said. "I'm looking forward to a lifetime with you."  
  
"You think the others are starting to miss us?"  
  
"How long have we been gone?"  
  
Trent found his watch. "About...2 hours maybe."  
  
"Damn. Talk about stamina."  
  
"Foreplay really does help. We better get dressed and see if they're ready to leave. There's   
  
only so much karioke you can take in one night."  
  
They went in to find Jane and Jesse on stage together.  
  
"Don't go breaking my heart." Jesse sang.  
  
"You take the weight off me." Jane sang.  
  
"Honey when you knock on my door." Jesse gave her a rather sappy look.  
  
"I gave you my key." Fortunatly, the lyrics were short enough for Jane to sing without   
  
causing to much of a cacaphony.  
  
"If I didn't know better," sid Trent. "I'd say Jesse took a swig of liquid courage before   
  
hitting the stage."  
  
"You don't think he did?"  
  
"Jesse doesn't drink. At all. The smell reminds him too much of his dad and stuff."  
  
"Jane's usually not to keen on singing either. She kinda sucks at it."  
  
"No one seems to care." Trent shrugged. In fact, everyone in the club was wearing a strange grin.  
  
"Oh, don't go breaking my heart, Janey." Jesse sang.  
  
"I won't go breaking your heart." she answered.  
  
They came off stage and approached Daria and Trent. "Trent!" Jesse seized him in a bear hug.   
  
"I love you, man!"  
  
"Uh, Jess," said an embarassed Trent. "We're in public."  
  
"And I love you, Daria!" Jane exclaimed as she embraced Daria.  
  
"Um, Yeah. I-uh-love you too."  
  
"Uh, Jesse," Trent grunted. "You mind letting go?" Jesse's bear hug was just a little too   
  
tight. He doesn't smell like he's been drinking. Trent thought. But he's definatly acting like it.  
  
Nick and Max were on stage now. "You've got a friend in me." they sang. "You've got a friend in me."  
  
"You've got troubles." sang Max. "then I've got 'em too. There isn't anything I wouldn't do for you."  
  
"We stick together." sang Nick. "we can see it through. Cuz you got a friend in me."  
  
"Yes you do!" sang Max.  
  
"Yeah you got a friend in me." they both sang.  
  
"Oh no." Daria deadpanned. "It's the first sign of the appocolypse."  
  
"Some folks might be," Max sang. "a little bit smarter than I am."  
  
"That's a given." Daria remarked.  
  
"Bigger and stronger too." Max continued.  
  
"Maybe." Nick conceded.  
  
"But none of them will ever love you the way I do."  
  
"OK, this is getting disturbing." said Trent.  
  
After their song was over the group left. "Why so glum, Daria?" asked Jane.  
  
"I'm not glum. This is how I always look."  
  
"Daria, you just got engaged and laid! Cheer up, have some fun!"  
  
"Uh, Jane," Daria blushed.  
  
"Just so you all know," said Trent. "I'm the designated driver tonight."  
  
"Whatever makes you happy, man." said Max.  
  
"Hey, Max," said Nick. "Did I tell you how much I love you today?"  
  
Trent and Daria shared a worried look. "Jess," said Trent. "Please, please tell me you didn't   
  
get my sister high on anything."  
  
"Trent," said Jane. "The only thing I'm high on is the joy of life!"  
  
Jesse took Jane in his arms and danced around the parking lot with her. "We're young, we're   
  
rich, we're in love!" he declared. "Who wouldn't be happy?"  
  
"Can he stay the night?" asked Jane.  
  
"Uh, I guess." said Trent. "Max, is it cool if I crash at your place tonight?"  
  
"Everything's cool, man!"  
  
Trent drove Nick home. Mrs. Campbell was waiting. "Just where the hell have you been?" she   
  
demanded. "Out all night with those heathen friends of yours, and..."  
  
"I love you, Mama!" He shocked her with a big hug and kiss.  
  
Trent dropped Jesse and Jane off at Casa Lane. Jesse scooped Jane up in his arms and ran   
  
inside with her. Trent took Daria home and walked her to her door. "Sure wish I could come up   
  
with you." he said.  
  
"My parents would flip. As it is, my Dad's gonna have a coranary when I tell him we're engaged."  
  
He took her in his arms and kissed her for a long time. "Here's Max's number." He scribbled   
  
the number on a wrapper he found in his pocket. "Call me tomorrow."  
  
The next morning seemed like a typical Saturday morning in the Morgendorfer house. Daria came   
  
downstairs to get something to eat. Jake was behind his newspaper. Helen was on the phone with Eric.   
  
They ignored her as she fixed a couple of Pop-Tarts. Quinn came downstairs. "Good morning, beautiful   
  
family!" she chirruped. She gave Daria a hug. "How's my wonderful big sister?"  
  
"I'm terribly sorry. I must have came home to the wrong house last night."  
  
"I'll talk to you later, Eric." Helen hung up. "So, what did you girls do last night?"  
  
"The Fashion Club and I did Karioke." said Quinn. 'It was loads of fun!"  
  
"Gah!" injected Jake. "You did what? Is karioke some new kinda drug?"  
  
"No, Daddy!" Quinn laughed. "We sang a bunch of Spice Girl songs."  
  
"Trent asked me to marry him." Daria deadpanned.  
  
Jake, who had taken a sip of coffee, did a spit take. "Daria," said Helen. "Don't tease your   
  
father. You know how delicate his heart condition is."  
  
Daria showed her mother the ring. Helen was noticeably surprised. "Daria, I'm not sure if   
  
marrying Trent would be a good idea. You're both so young and he doesn't even have a job."  
  
"Mom, I did some research. You were 19 when you married Dad. I will be 18 at the end of   
  
summer and there won't be anything you can do to controll my life anymore."  
  
"Let me see that ring." Helen scratched a drinking glass with the diamond. It made a cut.   
  
"Where did he get the money for a real diamond?"  
  
"It was prize money from /Slashers/."  
  
"Not that horrible Japanese show where they slice people up!" cried Jake.   
  
"The same. Didn't you get my note? I had to go save Aunt Amy."  
  
"Oops!" giggled Quinn. "I musta lost it."  
  
"You lost a note saying your sister might be getting killed in Tokyo?" said an exasperated   
  
Helen. "You're grounded for a month, young lady!"  
  
"OK." Daria was shocked. Quinn accepting a punishment, and smiling about it?  
  
"How much money was it?" asked Helen.  
  
"Seven million for each of us."  
  
"Sev-sev-sev," Helen stammered. Was her own daughter now richer than her? "Daria, maybe I   
  
was to hasty saying you shouldn't marry Trent. He's a fine upstanding young man."  
  
"A fine upstanding /rich/ man, you mean. Boy, your attitude towards him changed dramatically   
  
when I said he had money."  
  
"Daria, I just know he'll make you happy. Now, let's make some plans. Quinn will be your   
  
maid-of-honor of course, and it's only polite to ask your cousin Erin to be a bridesmaid too."  
  
"Wow!" said Quinn. "I can give her a make-over!"  
  
"Whoa, hold on Mom. If anyone's going to be my maid-of-honor it's going to be Jane. And I   
  
don't want that bitch Erin anywhere near my wedding."  
  
"Daria, you listen..."  
  
No, Mom, you listen! I've taken your bullshit for almost 18 years and I'm fucking sick of   
  
it! You can't micromanage my life anymore! So this is how it's going to be. I'm gonna finish high   
  
school, marry Trent, move the hell away from all of you to New York, attend NYU, and continue being   
  
the Phantom while I'm at it. /And I don't want a fucking make-over!/"  
  
"But you'd look so pretty!" Quinn said cheerily.  
  
"Oh, by the way, Miss Sunshine. Jesse and Jane are getting married too."  
  
"Yay!" said Quinn. "I'm so happy for them."  
  
"Don't you still have that Hercules shrine in your room?"  
  
"Yeah, but if he's happy, I'm happy."  
  
"I'm going to Jane's." Daria said, disgusted. She left.  
  
"So," said Quinn. "Who wants cupcakes?"  
  
Daria went to Jane's house. No one answered the door so she let herself in and went upstairs.   
  
She could hear Jane humming merrily in her room. She went in. Jane was at her easle and Jesse was in   
  
her bed, asleep. Jane smiled and waved. "Isn't he just precious when he's asleep?"  
  
"Um, he's not wearing anything under the blankets, is he."  
  
"Oh, Daria, you have to get over these hang-ups about the human body. It's something beautiful   
  
to be celebrated. Check out these charcoal sketches I've made of him over the past few months." Jane gave Daria a sketch pad. The contents were nude figure drawings of Jesse. The first few were semi-modest; a bent leg hid the naughty bits, his gaze was averted. Gradually, it seemed both artist and model were getting bolder. The last two made Daria blush.   
  
"Um, they- really burst off the picture plane." she said, closing the book.  
  
"What can I say?" Jane shrugged. "He's Dora Maar to my Picasso, Gala to my Dali, Rose to   
  
my Jack." She went back to painting. Daria looked at the canvas. Jane had painted a pastel rainbow.  
  
"Jane, something weird is going on. My sister was acting more annoyingly cheerful than ever.   
  
She seemed glad you and Jesse were getting married and didn't even get upset when Mom grounded her   
  
for not telling her I was on /Slashers/."  
  
"Oh, Daria, you're the only person I know who would worry about people being happy."  
  
Jesse woke up. "Good morning." he said with a pleasant smile.  
  
"Uh, I'll just..." Before Daria could say anything else, Jesse got out of bed-stark naked-   
  
and gave Jane a hug. "Um, yeah." Daria blushed and shielded her eyes.  
  
"Something wrong, Daria?" asked Jesse.  
  
"Uh, no, I just gotta go."  
  
"How 'bout a hug?"  
  
"NO!" Daria got out of the room fast and went to Trent's room. She dialed the number he gave her.  
  
"Hello!" Max answered cheerfully.  
  
"Max, is Trent up yet?"  
  
"I got him to rise and shine and eat some waffles. Wanna talk to him?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Hey, Daria." said Trent.  
  
"Trent, can you come pick me up? I'm at your house and Jane and Jesse are acting really weird."  
  
"Probably slobbering all over each other. Hang on, I'll be right there."  
  
Daria hung up the phone and felt a tap on her shoulder. She turned to see Jesse, still naked.   
  
"Eep!" she squeaked and covered her eyes.  
  
"Daria," he said. "Janey and I are gonna go pick some daisies. Wanna come with?"  
  
"Uh, that's OK, Trent's comming to pick me up. Um, Jesse? Don't you think you should put   
  
some clothes on?"  
  
"Oh, how silly of me." he laughed. "I must've forgot." Daria didn't uncover her eyes untill   
  
she was sure Jesse was gone.  
  
Daria sighed with relief when Trent showed up. "Where do you wanna go?" he asked.  
  
"Anywhere." she said. "Just get me away from here."  
  
"I know how you feel." said Trent as he started the engine. "Don't get me wrong, I think   
  
Jesse and Jane make a great couple. She's helped him come out of his shell and he's helped her   
  
calm down a little. I just don't wanna hear, see or even think about them going at it. It's like   
  
thinking about your parents doing it."  
  
"Speaking of shells," said Daria. "Ummm....IsawJessenaked."  
  
"Oh." Trent shrugged. "No biggie. Accidents happen. Knowing him, he's more embarrassed than   
  
you are. What happened? You walk in on him coming out of the shower or something?"  
  
"Trent, other than you and my parents, everyone is acting weird today. Like someone spiked   
  
their corn flakes with Prozac or something. Jesse just 'forgot' to wear clothes. My sister accepted   
  
being grounded with a smile and Jane was painting a picture of a rainbow this morning."  
  
"Max is acting pretty weird too. He woke me up at the butt-crack of dawn to eat waffles."  
  
"Trent, for you, the butt-crack of dawn is ten in the morning."  
  
"Good one, Daria." he laughed.  
  
"Trent, if experiance has taught us anything, it's taught us that when people act weird,   
  
something strange is going down."  
  
"This looks like a job for the Formidable Four."  
  
"Minus the two who are off picking daisies."  
  
"Yeah. Let's see, they started acting weird last night at the Zen. Don't know if I could   
  
take another of Jesse's bone-crunching hugs. I've got a couple of bruises last night."  
  
"Quinn was there too. I'm suspecting mind control. I suggest we pick up Danny before we   
  
investigate the Zen. We may need an electronics analysist."  
  
"Great idea."  
  
Danny answered the door at the Moreno house. "Hi, Trent. Hi, Daria. Jesse didn't come home   
  
last night if you're looking for him."  
  
"He spent the night with Jane." said Daria.  
  
"Shoulda known." sighed Danny.  
  
"Danny," said Trent. "We need you. Something weird at the Zen is messing with people's minds   
  
and we need an electronics expert."  
  
"Really?" Danny said eagerly. "You need me?" He was clearly flattered. "Great! First, I want   
  
you to come to the toolshed. I've been working on something that could help the Formidable Four."  
  
"By the way," said Daria, as they followed Danny. "Congratulations, you're gonna be a brother-in-law. Jesse asked Jane to marry him last night."  
  
"Super!"  
  
"Since I don't have super powers like you," said Danny. "I need something to defend myself.   
  
And, since there's that law about not buying a handgun untill you're 18, I made this." He showed   
  
them what seemed to be an ordinary watch. "The stem on this watch is actually a trigger for a   
  
powerful laser capable of stunning an opponent for at least 30 minutes."  
  
"And you learned this how?" asked Daria.  
  
"I kinda used Jesse as a guinea pig. As a result, I got the noogie of my life and I'm doing   
  
dishes for the next month." Danny put on the watch. He put a soda can on the window sill. "I've   
  
been doing a little target practice." He aimed and pulled the stem. A fine red beam emitted from   
  
the watch and knocked the can over. "Wish I had this when those goons from Slashers came for me.   
  
Now, my next device is a pair of X-ray goggles."  
  
"I had a pair of those when I was a kid." said Trent. "I sent three dollars and 25 bubble   
  
gum wrappers to Fleer and they sent me a pair of glasses with those spirally things on them."  
  
"Trent, don't even begin to compare my invention to that /toy/." Danny produced a set of   
  
goggles with strange gizmos attatched to it. "Try them on."  
  
Trent put on the goggles and looked at Daria. "These do work better." he said. "I can definatly   
  
see a market for these."  
  
"My next device concerns our need for communication in the field. Previously, we've relied on   
  
pagers and cell phones....now, pay attention, Sir Stretchalot!" Trent was gazing appreciativly at   
  
Daria. "That's enough of that." Danny reached over and pressed a button on the side of the goggles.   
  
Trent's smile turned to a look of disgust. He took off the goggles.  
  
"What the Hell was that?" he asked.   
  
"I upped the power on the goggles. Just enough for you to see her musso-skeletal structure.   
  
Not pretty, is it?"  
  
"Now you know what I'm like on the inside." said Daria.  
  
"Could we please get back to the presentation?" asked an exasperated Danny. "Now, as I was   
  
saying, we have depended on conventional telephones and pagers for communication. If we become   
  
seperated in the field or if secrecy is preferred, then these miniature vocal transmitters and   
  
receivers should fulfill our needs."  
  
"As long as it's not a shoe phone." said Daria.  
  
"The transmitter is disguised as a fountain pen." He showed them what seemed to be ordinary   
  
pens. "The receiver is disguised as an earring. I've made some in both pierced and clip-on varieties."  
  
Trent took of one of his earrings and put on a large stud ring. Daria put on a drop shaped   
  
clip-on. "You might wanna put the other one on too." Danny suggested. "It looks less conspicuous."   
  
He clipped a disc shaped ring on his left ear. "Shall we go now?"  
  
"Danny," asked Daria as the drove to the Zen. "How do you come up with these things?"  
  
"Being a genius helps." he shrugged. "Plus, I pick up things at swap meets, I scrounge around   
  
junk yards. I'm a perferred customer at Radio Shack. Having a generous millionare brother also helps."  
  
"Danny," Trent said. "He told you that money was for college."  
  
"A few gadgets aren't gonna break the bank. Besides, I'm thinking seriously of getting those   
  
X-ray goggles patented. I've done the first step. I made a copy of the schemantics and mailed them   
  
to myself so they've been dated by the U.S. government."  
  
"Lots of luck." said Daria.  
  
They arrived at the Zen. "It's closed during the day." said Trent. "I'll go in through the   
  
back window and let you in."  
  
"Be careful." said Daria.   
  
"Got your communicator and location pellet?" asked Danny.  
  
"I'm good." Trent went down the ally and aroung the corner. He knew there was a broken   
  
ventalation window nearby. It would be a tight squeeze, but they didn't call him Sir Stretchalot   
  
for nothing. He stretched up to the window and squeezed his way through. That much was easy. The   
  
tough part would be getting down. He rememberred Kenji's training. He landed in a crouch, arms   
  
near his sides. He stood up and heard a vaguely familiar voice.  
  
"I'm sorry, this place is closed for the day. Come back tonight."  
  
"Do I know you?" he asked a figure in the shadows.  
  
"I'm afraid I'm rather bad with names. But you can call me, The Smilenator!" The Smilenator   
  
stepped into the light. He was a small, skinny man dressed in a white unitard spotted with yellow   
  
smily faces. He wore a yellow domino mask. Trent couldn't help himself. The outfit was just too silly.   
  
He laughed and tried to cover it up with a cough. "Are you laughing at me or laughing with me?" asked the Smilenator.  
  
"What do you think, dork?"  
  
"Wait, I know that laugh. You're one of the Lane siblings! Um, Trevor?"  
  
"Trent. But you can call me Sir Stretchalot."  
  
"Oh, yes! Now I remember. Oh, if only you agreed to make me your mentor! You could've been   
  
the next Walt Whitman or Edgar Allen Poe."  
  
"Mr. O'Neil, one was gay, the other was a dope fiend."  
  
"But they were geniuses! It's not to late. We could join forces, you and I."  
  
"If you're the one behind the strange things happening to my friends, then I must fight you."  
  
"Then you must DIE!" The Smilenator whipped out a ray gun and fired a laser at Trent. He deftly   
  
averted it. Another shot. It was close; Trent had to use his stretch powers to avoid it. "Hold still,   
  
damn you!" Trent ducked behind the stage and took out the pen Danny had given him.   
  
"Trent, what's keeping you?" asked Danny.  
  
"I ran into some trouble. I'll try to get to the door but be careful, he has a ray gun."   
  
Just then, a laser missed Trent's head by inches.  
  
"Trent, be careful." he heard Daria beg.  
  
"I'm sure as Hell trying." he said, dodging another blast.  
  
Outside, Daria and Danny worried. Danny put on his goggles and looked at the club. "I see   
  
them." he said. "You should see the costumed freak he's up against. Trent seems to be holding his   
  
own, but he'll need backup pretty soon."  
  
"He's not hurt, is he?"  
  
"No, but not for the freak's lack of trying."  
  
"Danny, when that door opens we should be invisible. We'll take him by surprise."  
  
"We?"  
  
"I can make another person invisible while touching them. I've done it before with Trent."   
  
She took Danny's hand and willed them both to be invisible.  
  
"Oh wow!'' said Danny. "I'm holding hands with a girl!"  
  
"An engaged girl." she reminded him. "A girl two years older than you."  
  
"It's still pretty cool."  
  
Inside, Trent was making his way to the front door. Occasionally he would throw a chair in   
  
the Smilenator's direction to throw off his aim. He got to the door, unlocked it and opened it.   
  
He didn't see Daria or Danny, but felt someone run past him.  
  
"You won't escape me that easily!" The Smilenator aimed his ray gun at Trent. A red laser   
  
beam struck the Smilenator. He went down. Danny and Daria appeared.   
  
"Thanks for the help." said Trent.  
  
"All in a day's work." said Daria. She unmasked the Smilenator. "Mr. O'Neil?"  
  
"He wasn't all that good at hiding his identity." said Trent.  
  
"Help me find something to tie him up with."  
  
"You can use my belt." he said, taking it off. Daria just stood there. "What are you waiting for?"  
  
"For your pants to fall down."  
  
"Perhaps later."  
  
Danny inspected the ray gun. "Primitive." he sighed. "I've seen better Buck Rogers props."  
  
"Yeah, that prop nearly killed me." said Trent.  
  
"Maybe." Danny stuck it in his pocket. "I'll do some tests on it later."  
  
"Danny," said Daria. "Check out the karioke machine."  
  
Danny put on the goggles and looked at the system. "Looks normal. Wait, there seems to be   
  
a foreign object attached to the zenor diodes. I'll check it out." He took a screwdriver from his   
  
pocket. Before he could do anything, a shuriken struck his hand.  
  
A black clad ninja leapt from the rafters. "Don't touch that machine, you worthless man!"  
  
"Man-Hater!" Daria and Trent chorused.  
  
"You leave my Timmy alone! He's the only man on Earth worth living!"  
  
"You lookin' for a fight, bitch?" asked Daria. "It's three against one!"  
  
"We'll just have to fix that, won't we?" Man-Hater clapped her hands. Three girls in black   
  
cheerleading costumes came out of the woodwork. They had their names stenciled on the front in   
  
white. Daria recognized Brittany among them. It seemed she had changed her name to Felicity.  
  
"Felicity! Joy! Mirth! Destroy them!"  
  
"Cue the theme music!" Trent shouted, getting into fighting stance.  
  
Felicity did a cartwheel towards Daria, intending to kick her in the face. Daria went invisable,   
  
ducked, and did a sweep kick. Joy threw a karate punch at Trent, only to have it blocked. Trent grabbed   
  
her arm and put her in a judo roll. Danny aimed his watch at Mirth when he was distracted by   
  
Felicity's cartwheels. Whoa! he thought. She's not wearing any underwear! Then he blacked out when   
  
Man-Hater struck him with a nunchaku.   
  
The fight continued. An invisible Daria broke a chair over Mirth's head. Joy grabbed a bottle   
  
of Jim Beam from the bar and broke it. She thrust it into Trent's stomache. His flexible skin turned   
  
the broken glass. He grabbed his assailant's arm. "You could hurt someone doing that." he said as he   
  
picked up the screaming girl and threw her towards Felicity, destroying what would've been a perfect   
  
flying kick.  
  
Man-Hater jumped on the bar with an unconscous Danny under one arm. "Surrender now!" she said.   
  
"Or the man-child gets it!" An aikuchi suddenly appeared in her hand.   
  
"She means it." said Daria.  
  
"Let him go, Barch." said Trent. "He's done nothing to you."  
  
"He was born a scum-sucking man. That's crime enough for me!"  
  
"Let him go." said Daria. "You can take O'Neil as trade."  
  
"It won't be that simple. Take them, ladies!"  
  
Trent and Daria did not resist the cheerleaders this time. They knew one false move would   
  
jeopardize Danny's life.  
  
They found themselves in the back room, tied back to back in a couple of chairs. Danny was   
  
tied to another chair and slowly recovering from his blow. Man-Hater had released O'Neil, who was   
  
starting to come to. "Did they hurt you, Poopy-kins?" she asked him in a sickly sweet voice.  
  
"I'm just fine, Luvvydums." he replied.  
  
"Aah! Stop the torture!" Daria cried out. "I'll talk! I'll talk!"  
  
"Sarcastic again, are we?" said O'Neil. "Well, that will change soon enough! Tonight, you   
  
will know such giddy happiness you will never insult another person again."  
  
"What's with the thugs?" asked Trent. "You brainwashed more cheerleaders?"  
  
"Hey, it was a light load." said Daria.  
  
"Timmy here had the most wonderful idea to bring peace and order to the world." said Barch,   
  
taking off her mask. "But to carry it through, he needed me. Oh yes, he /needed/ me! In a world   
  
where men's foolish pride prevents them from asking a woman for help, Tim alone saw the truth."  
  
"Yeah, yeah," said Trent. "Get to the point."  
  
"Insolent male!" said Barch. "Who told you to talk?" She kicked him in the shin. "Now then,   
  
Tim knew the only way to bring true peace to the world would be to abolish negative thinking.   
  
Perhaps mass hypnosis. But he needed my scientific knowledge to carry this through. I broke into   
  
the Zen the day before karioke night and installed a device in the karioke machine that would emit   
  
subsonic waves when the button on this remote was pressed." She presented a pocket-sized remote with   
  
a single button on it. "The subsonic waves hypnotized the listeners into feeling what the song told   
  
them to feel. Understand, my only problem with men is that they are largely cruel, barbaric and uncaring   
  
for the needs of others. Timmy is a rare exception. Soon, men will be devoid of their killer instincts.   
  
They will joyfully do anything for a woman from rubbing her feet to picking flowers for her."  
  
"You've seen what it's done so far." said O'Neil. "No one under happy hypnosis argues or   
  
fights. Everyone is happy! Don't you see? I've found the answer for world peace!"  
  
"I've also planted a suggestion in the hypnosis." said Barch. "The proprieter of the Zen   
  
will hold another karioke night tonight. Everyone who was hypnotized last night will be compelled   
  
to bring at least two more people with them. Tonight, Lawndale, tomorrow, the world!" She laughed   
  
evilly.  
  
"Don't you see how wrong this is?" said Daria. "You're taking away people's free will! Do   
  
you want a world of mindlessly happy drones?"  
  
"Sounds good to me." said O'Neil.   
  
"We'll leave you here." said Barch. "We must prepare for tonight."  
  
"Daria," Trent said after they left. "You ever notice how bad guys always reveal their evil   
  
plans after they've captured you?"  
  
"Wonder why that is?" Daria mused.  
  
"Ooow...." mumbled Danny. "my head hurts."  
  
"Man-Hater clubed you." said Daria.  
  
"Aw, man," moaned Danny. "I got us all captured, didn't I? Some sidekick I'm turning out to be."  
  
"Don't blame yourself." said Trent.  
  
"But it is my fault! If I hadn't been looking at that girl doing cartwheels with no panties,   
  
we wouldn't be in this mess!"  
  
"Well, that's a line you'll never hear Robin say." said Daria.  
  
"Just chill." said Trent. "I can get out of this." He stretched one arm untill it was thin   
  
enough to slip out of the ropes. After that, it was easy for him to extricate himself and untie the   
  
others. They gathered Danny's confiscated tools. "Danny," Trent said. "Check the door. They may have   
  
left us guarded."  
  
Danny put on the goggles and looked. "Yeah, someone's there. It's the girl with no panties."  
  
"That would be Brittany." said Daria. "It seems she's changed her name to Felicity and let   
  
Man-Hater brainwash her again. I'll take care of this. Both of you, take my hands." Daria grabbed   
  
their hands and willed the three of them invisible.  
  
Trent opened the door and peeked out. "Felicity" was five feet from the door, back towards   
  
them. She was popping bubble gum while twirling her pigtails with one finger. He squeezed Daria's   
  
hand, a sign that all was clear. They quietly walked past the vacant bimbo. They were nearly at the   
  
door when Felicity noticed something wrong. Three pairs of shoes were walking in front of her on   
  
their own. "Hey! That isn't right!" she squeeked. She spit out her gum and did a flying leap across   
  
the room and blocked the door. "Hold it right there or I'll blast you!" She pulled a ray gun on them.  
  
"Oops." said Daria. The three of them became visable.  
  
"What happened?" asked Trent.  
  
"I'm sorry. I never tried it with two people."  
  
"I have." said Felicity. "Kevvie and my friend Angie got together one night and..."  
  
"I don't wanna hear this." said Daria.  
  
"I do." said Danny.  
  
"Hey," said Felicity. "You're not trying to-um-divide me so you can get away, are you?"  
  
"Heck no!" said Daria. "We just wanna go find our friend, um-Buffy."  
  
"Buffy? Who's Buffy?"  
  
"Oh, everyone knows Buffy." said Daria. "She's a cute, popular girl who kinda walks like   
  
this." She did a rather slithering kind of walk over to the door.  
  
"Oh, yeah," said Trent, playing along with the ruse. "She sprained her ankle last year in   
  
cheerleading practice and walked with a limp, like this." He limped to the door.  
  
"Sometimes she walks backwards." Danny walked backwards out the door. As soon as they were   
  
all clear, they ran to the Tank II and drove off.  
  
"Hmmm...I wonder who they were talking about?" Felicity mused. "I don't know anyone on the   
  
squad who walks like that."  
  
"That was close." said Trent as they drove away.   
  
"Ever notice that when the bad guys capture you, they always leave you alone with one inept   
  
guard?" said Daria.  
  
"Wonder why that is?" Trent mused.   
  
"I'm still sorry I got you captured." said Danny.  
  
"Don't beat yourself up, kid." said Trent.  
  
"We need you to come with us tonight." said Daria. "You're the only one who can remove the   
  
device from the karioke machine."  
  
"Is that who I think it is?" Trent stopped the van. Jesse and Jane were walking down the   
  
street, arm in arm. This would be perfectly normal-if they weren't both draped in daisy chains.  
  
"Hiya, big brother!" said Jane. "Isn't this the most beautiful day in the world?"  
  
"Um, yeah." he said. "You wanna ride?"  
  
Jane and Jesse got in the back of the van. "Hey, Danny," said Jesse. "How's my little brother   
  
today?" He grabbed him in a too tight bear hug.  
  
"Jesse," Danny wheezed. "I can't breathe."  
  
"We're all happy!" said Jesse. "Who needs air?"  
  
"Settle down, Magilla." said Daria. Jesse let him go.   
  
Jane blissfully admired one of her daisies for a moment. "The Zen is having another karioke   
  
night." she said. "You guys wanna come?"  
  
"Oh, we'll be there." said Daria.  
  
"It's gotta be two people each." said Jesse.  
  
"I'll ask Mom to come." Jane said blithely.  
  
Daria and Trent shared a look. They were definatly under the Smilenator's suggestion.   
  
"Oh gross, man!" Danny interjected. Trent and Daria looked. Jesse and Jane were passionatly   
  
French kissing.   
  
"You mind not doing that here?" asked Daria.  
  
"OK." said Jane, breaking it off. "Trent, would you be a dear and take us home?"  
  
"Maybe," said Jesse. "I can do that thing to your back that you like so much."  
  
Jane smiled. "Maybe I can do that thing with the pineapple rings that you like so much."  
  
"Do you wanna be tied up or is it my turn?"  
  
Trent had a sudden urge to stick his fingers in his ears and hum very loudly. His hands   
  
gripped the steering wheel. "Hey, Trent." said Jane. "Do we still have that strawberry syrup?"  
  
Trent slammed on the brakes. "Get out." he said. "Both of you."  
  
"What's wrong?" Jane laughed.  
  
"You're both making me sick, that's what's wrong."  
  
"C'mon, buddy." Jesse put his hands on Trent's shoulders. "You're just too tense."  
  
"Take 'em off, or I'll break 'em off."  
  
"To-uh-chy!" Jesse got out with Jane.  
  
"They were grossing me out too." said Daria  
  
"Pineapple rings?" mused Danny.  
  
They drove back to the Moreno house. Danny had an idea. "We need to go back tonight." he   
  
said. "But we need something to keep us immune to the hypnotic effects of the Smilenator's karioke   
  
machine. Give me the earrings I gave you."  
  
"We couldn't stick to getting kitties out of trees, could we?" said Daria, handing over the earring.  
  
Danny went to work on them with his screwdriver. "All we need is a low-frequency sub-sonic wave to   
  
counteract the subliminal waves emmitted by the karioke machine. I'll simply switch the terradine modulator   
  
with the hyperram diode. And...there we go! Wear this earring and the machine will have no effect. I suspect   
  
the Smilenator and Man-Hater have simular devices on their persons. They're really quite simple to make."  
  
"Yeah, simple." said Daria, who wouldn't know a terradine modulator if it bit her.  
  
"By the way," said Danny, as he worked on Trent's earring. "How did you manage to escape   
  
being hypnotized the first time?"  
  
"Ummm...." Daria blushed.  
  
"Uh, we weren't in the club at the time." said Trent.  
  
"Where were you?" The couple seemed reluctant to answer. "Oh, I get it." Danny laughed.   
  
"If the Tank's a rockin', don't come a knockin'. You can tell me, you know. I'm 15, I'm not a child."  
  
The Zen was packed that night. Daria, Trent, and Danny took a table near the stage. They were   
  
just planning what to do when their friends arrived. "Hey guys!" Jane said cheerily. She had brought   
  
her mother, Amanda, with her.  
  
"So, this is where you two go on the weekends." she said, having a curious look about. "Much   
  
nicer than the tea rooms I went to when I was your age."  
  
"What kind of tea, Mrs. Lane?" asked Daria.  
  
"Oh, you can call me Amanda. I've told Jesse the same."  
  
A stiff, prim lady who looked like she was dressed for church approached. "So, you're Nicholas's   
  
friends, correct?" she asked.  
  
"You mean Nick?" said Trent.  
  
"I am his mother, Hannah Campbell. I agreed to come because his attitude has changed for the better.   
  
You don't play secular music, do you?"  
  
"Nah, just hard rock with alternative leanings." said Trent.  
  
Mrs. Campbell opened her purse. "Some literature for you, young man." She gave him a pamphlet.   
  
"And one for you, and one for you." She gave pamphlets to Daria and Danny before excusing herself.  
  
"So You're Going To Hell." Trent read.  
  
"Be Saved Or Suffer." Danny read.  
  
"Woman, Submit Thyself?" Daria read. "What a bitch!"  
  
O'Neil came on stage. "Is everybody happy?" he asked. The crowd cheered enthusiastically. "I   
  
can't hear you!" The crowd cheered louder as an invisable Daria led Danny to the machine. "I don't  
  
think you're happy enough! Here's a song that will make everyone happy!" The music started. "Smile,"   
  
he sang. "Though your heart is aching. Smile, even though it's breaking. When there are clouds in the   
  
sky You'll get by...if you smile..." At that moment, the mike whistled as Trent rushed the stage   
  
and grabbed the mike from him. The crowd gasped in surprise.  
  
"Ladies and gentlemen," Trent spoke. "This man, Timothy 'Smilenator' O'Neil ' has been tampering   
  
with your emotions. How does that make you feel?" The audiance mumbled as they shook their heads in confusion.  
  
"No! Don't listen to him!" O'Neil yelled.  
  
Trent stretched out one arm to bind and gag O'Neil. "He didn't work alone. Janet 'Man-Hater' Barch was in   
  
on it. That's her over there." He pointed to a corner where she was skulking with a bevy of cheerleader thugs.   
  
The crowd became rowdy. Danny pointed a screwdriver at a device he had removed from the machine. "Do with them   
  
what you will." Trent pushed a panicked O'Neil into the crowd. "Daria, some appropriate music, if you will."  
  
Daria pressed some keys that caused the machine to play "Saturday Night's Alright For Fighting".  
  
The crowd surfed a sobbing O'Neil across the room where everyone had a turn to physically   
  
assault him. The riotous crowd attacked Barch, whose entourage had promptly fled. She held her own   
  
for a while, but was vastly outnumbered.  
  
Trent sang on stage. "Don't give us none of you're aggrivation. We've had it with your discipline.   
  
Saturday night's the night I like. Saturday night's alright for fighting."  
  
"Janet," groaned a severely stomped O'Neil. "Help me!"  
  
"Um, you know what, Timmy?" Barch answered, as she fought off attackers. "I really don't think   
  
this is going to work out. You see, I need my space, and, um, good-bye!" She leaped onto someone's   
  
shoulders, then up to the rafters. Daria went invisable and followed.  
  
Barch got to the roof top. "No where to go but down." she heard Daria say. She looked around   
  
and saw nobody. That meant Daria was invisible.   
  
Barch drew her aikuchi. "You may be invisible, but you can still bleed!"   
  
"That would require stabbing me first." A sharp blow landed on Barch's face. " I have no   
  
intention of letting you do that."   
  
The two women fought it out on the rooftop, no quarter given or taken. Barch brandished her   
  
aikuchi in broad archs, hoping to slash the Phantom at least once to give away her position. Daria   
  
grabbed her foe from behind. Barch countered by swinging her head backwards. She heard something break.  
  
"My glasses!" Daria cried as the broken pair clattered to the roof beneath her.  
  
"It seems we're on even footing now, Phantom." said Barch.  
  
"I can still see well enough to kick your ass!" Barch felt a kick whiz near her ear.  
  
"Phantom, we're not so different, you and I." she said. "We could make a memorable team.   
  
Join me, and we will create a new world of peace and prosperity. Don't make me destroy you."  
  
"Save your breath, Darth!" She tried to kick again. This time, Barch caught her and pinned her.  
  
"You may be invisible, but can you fly?" Barch laughed evilly as she picked Daria up. She carried   
  
the struggling, invisible load to the edge, where she intended to drop her foe to her death. A   
  
stabbing pain between her shoulder blades made her stumble.  
  
As Barch stumbled, Daria fell. Luckily, the drop was so clumsy she managed to grab onto the   
  
cement ledge of the roof. She saw Danny's face peer ever the edge. "Daria! Daria!" he yelled. "Oh,   
  
please don't be dead!"  
  
"I'm right here, Danny." She became visible. "Give me a hand?" Danny helped her back on the   
  
roof. Barch was curled in agony. A screwdriver was stuck in her back.  
  
"You..." she groaned. "The man-child! I'll...I..." She passed out before she could threaten him.  
  
A week later at the Lane house, Jane was snipping out a new article for her scrapbook. The   
  
headline read "Phantom, Sir Stretchalot Foil Plans of Man-Hater, Smilenator". She went to the society   
  
page. Their engagements had been formally announced. Daria looks really nice when she smiles. Jane thought   
  
as she looked at the photo of her and Trent. But Jesse looks even nicer. She looked at the photo they had   
  
posed for for their engagement announcment.  
  
Daria came in. "Still working on the scrap book?" she asked.  
  
"It's getting full. I may need to start a third one."  
  
"You've been smiling all day. You're not still under that hypnotic suggestion, are you?"  
  
"Nope. I really am happy. The real thing feels a lot better, thanks." She frowned. "There   
  
is one thing I'm worried about."  
  
"That is?"  
  
"While we were under the happy hypnosis, Jesse and I had unprotected sex. He swears on his   
  
mother's grave that I'm the only one he's ever been with, so all I'm worried about is being pregnant.   
  
It's been a week, so I guess I can take a test. Jesse says that no matter what happens, he still wants   
  
to marry me."  
  
"That's not so bad. Most women have it worse."  
  
"Yeah, but I'm not sure if I want a baby. Not right now."  
  
Daria read the article. "The Smilenator is in a padded cell now and Man-Hater is back in   
  
custody."  
  
"There must be something about being a teacher that screws up your brain."  
  
"Jane," said Daria. "When Trent and I get married next year, will you be my maid-of-honor?"  
  
"Actually, I've been wondering how you'd feel about a double wedding."  
  
"Frankly, I'm all for running away from my stupid family and getting married- I dunno, somewhere.   
  
But, I'm OK with a double wedding if the guys are." Trent and Jesse came up from the basement. Jesse   
  
saw Daria, blushed brightly and turned back to the basement. "That is, if Jesse can ever stand to be   
  
in the same room with me again."  
  
"He's just embarrassed that you saw him naked. I'll have a talk with him." She went to the basement.  
  
"Hey, Daria." said Trent, having a seat. "What were you and Janey talking about?"  
  
"The wedding. How does a double wedding sound?"  
  
"OK by me. We don't have to do any planning now. We have all the time in the world."  
  
"Yeah, all the time in the world." she kissed him.  
  
That night, as Daria lay sleeping, her father woke her up. "Daria," he whispered. "Wake up."  
  
"If the house is on fire just wrap me in a wet blanket and wake me when it's over."  
  
"Daria, I just wanted you to know- that I love you."  
  
"Great. I'm having that kooky dream again where my family tells me they love me. The pandas   
  
should be here with their spaceship any minute.''  
  
"Oh God! They're not gonna land on the roof, are they?"  
  
"Dad, it's a joke."  
  
"Oh. Daria, I know Quinn and your mom are tough on you, but I want you to know I love you."  
  
"Alright, Dad, since you're family, I'll float you a loan."  
  
"Daria, I mean it. Is it so hard for you to believe that?" Daria sighed. For a long time,   
  
the idea of anyone loving her seemed impossible. "I know Trent loves you too. When you marry him,   
  
Would you want me to give you away?" Before she could answer, Jake said "No, of course you don't.   
  
It's an antiquated, sexist ritual. I feel like a fool for asking."  
  
"Dad, you can give me away."  
  
Jake hugged his daughter. "Good-night, Kiddo." He pulled the covers over her.  
  
"I love you too, Dad."  
  
He kissed her forehead and left.  
  
IN THE NEXT ISSUE OF THE FORMIDABLE FOUR:  
  
Eat your heart out James Bond.  
  
It involves a sheep.  
  
Let's say they were in no condition to give a statement and leave it at that.  
  
GOD DAMMIT, WHY CAN'T I DIE?!  
  
Anyone for s'mores?  
  
(A/N) Less songs in the next one, I promise! "I Got You Babe" was written by Sonny Bono. "Goldfinger  
  
belongs to Shirley Bassey. "Because You Loved Me" belongs to Diane Warren. "Pour Some Sugar On Me" belongs to Def Leppard. "Don't  
  
Go Breaking My Heart" and "Saturday Night's Alright for Fighting" Belong to Elton John and Bernie  
  
Taupin. "If Ya Wanna Be My Lover" belongs to the Spice Girls. "You Got A Friend In Me." belongs to Randy Newman. "Smile" belongs to Freaky Pervert, oops,  
  
I mean Michael Jackson.  
  
OK, Danny's technical jargon: it's all bullshit. As my brother is fond of reminding me, I   
  
don't know a thing about electronics, so I made up some words that sounded right.   
  
Know your ninja weapons! Nunchaku (Commonly called nunchucks) are two stout wood blocks joined  
  
by a short chain. Did you know they were orriginally used to harvest rice? The aikuchi is a short  
  
dagger with no hilt. It's easy to hide on the person, making it a favorite for ninjas. 


	13. The Terror Bears

The Formidable Four: The Terror Bears  
  
(A/N) This one's a crossover! (Daria and Jane shine a flashlight on a dark background revealing  
  
4 new characters A la /The New Scooby Movies/. "Today, Daria and the gang meet The X-Men!")  
  
They team up with some of the guys from /X Evolution/. The action takes place long before the   
  
episode"Impact" and shortly after "Self Posessed". And in this reality, Duncan was hit by a bus   
  
shortly after the events in "Strategy X". (I hate him even more than I hate Tom!) Thus, Scott   
  
and Jean are in a very close relationship.  
  
Daria, Trent and Jesse waited in the Lane's living room. Jane would give them the news any   
  
minute. Trent looked at Jesse. It was hard to get a read on him; he was standing there, staring   
  
out the window. If I was him, Trent thought, I'd be sweating bullets. Jane finally came out of   
  
the bathroom. "We got lucky this time." she said. She went over to Jesse and put her arms around   
  
him. "Congratulations, you're not going to be a father yet."  
  
Jesse gave a weak smile. "That's good." he said and kissed her forehead.  
  
"Yeah," said Jane. "I don't know what I'd do if I came up preggers. Lousy happy hypnosis. We're gonna have to be more careful. I wanna go on the Pill."  
  
"OK." said Jesse.  
  
"Break out the phone book, Daria." said Jane. "We've gotta find me a gynochologist."  
  
Jesse went outside and sat on the porch. Trent followed and sat next to him.  
  
"Y'know, Jess," he said. "A lot of guys in your position would jump on a table and scream   
  
'Yahoo! Party at my place!'"  
  
"Yeah, well, I've never been much of a party animal."  
  
"You seem almost disappointed."  
  
"The more I thought about it, Trent, the more I liked the idea of being a daddy."  
  
"Really? Personally, I find the idea-scary."  
  
Jesse shrugged. "I just like the idea of having someone small and helpless to take care of."  
  
"You've already got a hamster."  
  
"It's not quite the same."  
  
"And you've been both mother and father to Danny since you were kids. Don't you think it's   
  
time for a break?"  
  
"You're right. But, someday, me and Jane are gonna have kids, or at least one."  
  
"Someday."  
  
"Yeah, someday."  
  
"Summer's coming up. That means concert season. Think the girl's will be up to some sidewalk   
  
camping by Ticketmaster?"  
  
"We can ask. Jane likes 3 Doors Down, They're on tour this summer."  
  
"So's Def Leppard. Daria likes them."  
  
"Don't know if we should take Max. You know how he gets all weepy when he talks about what   
  
happened to Rick Allen."  
  
"We could see if he and Nick are up for 3 Doors Down. How 'bout Danny?"  
  
"He's going to computer camp for most of the summer."  
  
"Computer Camp, huh? Jesse, remember when we were 14 and went to Camp Kookamunga?"  
  
"I remember that it sucked."  
  
"It wan't a total loss. It was the first time we got to see real live naked girls."  
  
"Oh yeah. Poor Danny, all he'll see is some cyber-porn, if he's lucky."  
  
A week later, the Formidable Four plus Max and Nick were setting up a dome tent outside the   
  
Ticketmaster. Several other people were there, setting up sidewalk camps to buy tickets early the   
  
next morning. Daria found Max and Nick's argument over where to put the chaise lounges mildly   
  
amusing. She saw a van crammed with five people pull up. "Here come our neighbors." she said to   
  
Jane.  
  
The driver was a short but well muscled man with a "don't mess with me" look on his face.   
  
Four teenagers got out of the van and helped him unload camping equipment. One boy looked about   
  
18, had a mop of brown hair that threatened to fall in his eyes-if they weren't covered by the   
  
oversized red sunglasses he was wearing. The other boy was smaller and slighter. He had long   
  
bluish-black hair, finly chisled facial features and wore baggy clothes. One of the girls favored   
  
the goth look. She had a white stripe in her coppery hair that kept falling in her face. She wore   
  
a black tank top with a black skirt and tights and a green see-through blouse. She also wore gloves.   
  
Who wears gloves in the summer? Daria wondered. The last person in the group was a pretty, slender   
  
red-head in a lavender top and cargo pants. Great, thought Daria. A Quinn clone.   
  
"Thanks for the lift, Logan." said the boy with the red sunglasses.  
  
"Anything to get you kids outta my hair for the weekend." said the driver.  
  
"Oh, come on, Logan." The boy with the bluish-blak hair hugged Logan. "You know you love us!"   
  
He spoke with a thick European accent.  
  
"Yer wrinkilin' the material, Elf." Logan warned.  
  
"This spot taken?" The gloved girl asked Daria, indicating a blank space on the sidewalk.  
  
"No, go ahead."  
  
"Jean!" yelled the gloved girl. "Help me with the tent!" Daria noticed she had a southern drawl.  
  
After camp was set up, Logan got back in the van and drove off.  
  
"Wish he could've stayed." said Jean. "He seems to like 3 Doors Down."  
  
"Ah, you know Logan." said the one he called Elf. "If there's no chance that a grizzly bear   
  
might try to maul him, it's just not camping."  
  
The boy with the red sunglasses looked over at the Formidable Four. He took a piece of paper   
  
out of his pocket and looked at it. He called Jean over and had her look at the paper. Daria watched   
  
them carefully. The four new kids got in a huddle. Daria listened in, trying to look like she wasn't   
  
listening. The only words she could make out were "Professor X" and "It's them."  
  
The boy with the red sunglasses approached with a disarming smile. "Hi!" he said. "My name   
  
is Scott Summers. Looks like we're gonna be neighbors tonight."  
  
"Looks like." Daria said warily.  
  
"I'm Jean Grey." said the red-head.  
  
"I'm Kurt Wagner." said the smaller boy. (He pronounced it vog-ner.)  
  
"I'm Rogue." said the gloved girl.  
  
"No last name?" Daria asked.  
  
"Don't need one."  
  
"I think I know who you are." said Scott, setting up a deck chair and sitting down. "You're   
  
the Formidable Four. Prof said we might run into you."  
  
"I'm Trent Lane." said Trent. "Also known as Sir Stretchalot. You from around here?"  
  
"No, we're from Bayville, a town not too far from here. Professor X said that if we meet   
  
you, he'd like to talk to you all some time. He's...interested in cases like yours."  
  
"Just how interested?" Daria asked skeptically.  
  
"You don't have to worry at all." said Jean. "Professor X is a good man. He only wants to   
  
know more about you so he can help you." She lowered her voice to a whisper. "We're mutants, too."  
  
"What did she say?" asked Jesse.  
  
"She said," said Daria. "That they're mu-"  
  
Jean cut her off. "We'd rather not advertise it."  
  
"People around here seem OK with us." said Jane. "By the way, my name's Jane Lane, Flamin'   
  
Jane to the press."  
  
"I'm Jesse Moreno." Jesse introduced himself. "Better known as Hercules."  
  
"Daria Morgendorfer." she said. "Codename, Phantom."  
  
"Cool!" said Kurt, having a seat on the ground, leaning on his backpack. "Some of us have   
  
code-names too. I'm Nightcrawler."  
  
"You're...named after a worm?" asked Daria.  
  
Kurt smiled and shrugged.  
  
"I'm also known as Cyclops." said Scott.  
  
"I'm just Jean Grey." she said with a smile.  
  
"Rogue is my first, last and only name." said the girl in the goth wear.  
  
"So, what happened?" asked Daria. "You all get slimed by toxic waste too?"  
  
"Maybe we can start a support group." Jane suggested.  
  
"We were just, born this way, sorta." said Jean.  
  
"According to Professor X," said Scott. "Many people being born withen the last hundred years   
  
have developed something he calls the X Gene. It's usually dormant untill puberty. In some people,   
  
it doesn't show up at all unless triggered by something-radiation, chemicals, things like that."  
  
"So," said Daria. "The only reason the four of us aren't a group of glow-in-the-dark skeletons   
  
laying by the side of the road is because we were all born with this X Gene?"  
  
"That's- pretty much it." said Scott.  
  
"Having powers is pretty cool." said Jane. "For one thing, I can go sidewalk camping and   
  
have my own portable campfire." She conjured up a ball of fire, letting it rest in her hand. Jesse   
  
took a bag of marsh-mallows out of his backpack, stuck one on a straightened out coat hanger he   
  
had brought along for the purpose and started toasting the marshmallow over Jane's fireball.  
  
"Anyone for S'mores?" he asked.  
  
The two groups shared snacks and talked long into the night.  
  
"So, Kurt." said Daria. "I thought your codename might be Elf. That's what the big guy   
  
called you."  
  
"Logan, you mean?" he said. "Oh, he gives everyone nicknames. Except girls. He calls them   
  
'Darlin'. I guess he thinks I look like an elf. Can't argue with him." He sighed sadly.  
  
"You don't look bad at all." said Daria. "I guess you kinda look like an elf. A high fantasy   
  
elf, not a Santa Claus elf. Ever read Tolkein's /Lord of the Rings/?"  
  
"Halfway through it!" He took a paperback book out of his backpack. The cover said "Meister   
  
der te Ringe". "Bit of summer reading." said Kurt. "I understand English OK, but German is easier   
  
for me. It's a good book. Someone should make it into a movie."  
  
"Not in a million years." said Daria.  
  
"Hey, that was my Mountain Dew!" yelled Nick.  
  
"I don't see your fricken name on it." replied Max.  
  
"That stopped being funny when we were 10. Now give it up, asswhipe!"  
  
"Daria," said Kurt. "Who are they?"  
  
"Merry and Pippin." she replied deadpan.  
  
Kurt whispered to Daria "Where I come from, the word 'fricken' is not a euphamism." He noticed   
  
the way Trent was looking at him. "The tall one," Kurt whispered to Daria. "Trent, I think he's   
  
called. Your boyfriend?"  
  
"Fiance." Daria showed him her ring. "Why?"  
  
"He keeps staring at me, like a dog who thinks another dog may take his bone. Tell him not   
  
to worry. I have a girlfriend." He took out his wallet and showed her a photo of a pretty   
  
African-American girl with a sweet smile and large dusky eyes. "Her name is Amanda. I wanted her   
  
to come with us, but, her parents don't like me very much."  
  
Daria couldn't imagine why Amanda's parents didn't like Kurt. He seemed decent enough. Maybe   
  
they don't like Germans. she thought. Or they don't want her to date outside her race. There's   
  
no way they could tell he's a mutant.  
  
Late that night, everyone went to their tents to sleep. They were up in the morning, waiting   
  
in line for tickets. "I heard a scream from your tent last night." said Scott to the Formidable   
  
Four. "Was everything OK?"  
  
"Everything was fine." said Trent. "Until Jesse started molesting me."  
  
"Look, I said I was sorry," said Jesse. "I thought you were Jane." Jane laughed.  
  
"And you thought Jesse was me at first." Daria smirked.  
  
They were in for a long wait. At one point, Trent went back to the tent and brought back   
  
his guitar. He tuned it and plucked out a few notes. "You gonna play somethin'," asked Rogue.   
  
"Or are ya jus' gonna pluck at it all day?" Trent played "Row, Row, Row Your Boat."  
  
"Are we having 'fun' yet?" asked Daria.  
  
It was after noon by the time they got their tickets. Both groups picked up their camp sites.   
  
"The concert's not for two days." Trent said to Scott. "Where you staying?"  
  
"With our money, probably the Motel No-tell." Scott laughed.  
  
"Hey, Janey," said Trent. "What do you think about putting these guys up for awhile?"  
  
"Well, Dad's on assignment in Madagascar." she said. "Mom's around, but she's pretty   
  
easy-going. There's Penny's old room and the couch turns into a bed. Do you guys mind bunking up   
  
together?"  
  
"I don't mind." Scott said with a smile. "Do you mind, Jean?"  
  
"Not at all." she replied with a smile.  
  
"Ferget it, Blue Boy." growled Rogue.  
  
"What?" said Kurt. "I wasn't going to ask. Besides, it would be incest."  
  
"Oh no, not that again!"  
  
"You're related?" asked Daria. "You don't, um, sound like you're related."  
  
"I was adopted." said Rogue. "That's all I'm sayin'."  
  
"Oh, don't be like that, sister!" Kurt begged, hugging her.  
  
"Just drop me off at home." said Nick. "Mom made me join the church choir and rehearsle's   
  
tonight. By the way, Trent, could you hold on to my ticket? Mom would probably find it and burn it."  
  
"Dude, you gotta cut the apron strings sometime." Trent took the ticket.  
  
"Just as soon as I can scrape up enough money to haul ass to New York."  
  
"I'll lend it to you." said Trent.  
  
"I gotta go too." said Max. "My Dad has some work he wants me to help him with and he's gonna   
  
pay me for it."  
  
The Formidable Four came to Casa Lane with four of the X-Men. Amanda Lane greeted them at   
  
the door. "Hello." she said pleasantly. "Trent, Janey, would you like to introduce me to your   
  
new friends?"  
  
"Sure, Mom." Jane beamed, glad that her mother had finally taken an interest in her life.   
  
"This is Scott Summers, Jean Grey, Kurt Wagner, and Rogue-uh-just Rogue."  
  
"Well," said Amanda to her children's new friends. "How do you do. My name is Amanda Lane,   
  
feel free to call me Amanda. I went shopping today so there's food and drinks in the kitchen. If   
  
anyone needs me, I'll be in the basement working on my new sculpture."  
  
"Same name as my girlfriend." commented Kurt. "Small world."  
  
"Janey," said Trent after their mom left. "Am I dreaming, or did Mom just say we actually   
  
have food?"   
  
"What can I say," Jane shrugged. "Mom's acting like a mom now."  
  
Before long, everyone was in the living room eating and watching videos. "So," said Daria.   
  
"You're all mutants too? What are your powers?"  
  
"Well," said Jean. "I can do this." She caused a tortilla chip to levitate, dip itself in   
  
picante sauce, and float towards her mouth, where she took a big bite.  
  
"You have the power to control junk food?" teased Jane.  
  
"I have telekinesis." said Jean. "I can move things with my mind."  
  
"Cool." said Trent. "Just like the Force, or something."  
  
"I'm also telepathic." said Jean. "I can read minds."  
  
"Really?" said Daria. "What number am I thinking of?"  
  
"42."  
  
Daria's eyes popped open. "OK, harder one. What am I thinking right now?"  
  
"I am nobody, who are you." Jean recited. "Are you nobody too? You like Emily Dickenson   
  
too, huh?" Daria was completly shocked. Someone could actually see into her mind. "Don't worry."   
  
said Jean. "I would never pry into your personal thoughts without your permission." Daria's first   
  
impression of Jean was fading. She had already learned that Jean was not like Quinn, more like   
  
Jodi. She was an honor student, active on the school council and the soccer team.  
  
"Let me try something." Trent went into the kitchen. He came back wearing a folded paper   
  
hat made out of tinfoil. Daria had to bite her cheeks to keep from laughing. "What am I thinking,   
  
Jean?" he asked. Jean looked amused, and then puzzled. She began to recite.  
  
"She was a fast machine, she kept her motor clean, she was the best damn woman I had ever   
  
seen. She had the sightless eyes, tellin' me no lies, knocking me out with those American thighs.   
  
Taking more than her share, had me fightin' for air, she told me to come, but I was already there?"   
  
The words made absolutly no sense to her.  
  
"The lyrics to 'You Shook Me All Night Long' by AC-DC." said Trent. "Guess this doesn't work   
  
after all." He took off the hat and put it on Daria's head.  
  
"That's my brother." said Jane. "The Rain Man of rock lyrics."  
  
"How can you come when you're already there?" asked a confused Jean.  
  
"Depends on what he means by 'come'." said Scott. Jean blushed.  
  
"Hey, Scott." said Jane. "I'm guessing your power has something to do with those red sunglasses.   
  
You haven't taken them off once."  
  
"You're right, Jane." he said. "These ruby quartz lenses keep my laser vision in check. Without   
  
them, a red energy blast would shoot out of my eyes, blasting everything in it's path."  
  
"I'll take your word for it." said Daria. "Kurt, what about you?"  
  
"I can do this." he said proudly, just before vanishing in a puff of smoke. He reappeared   
  
in the air and tumbled gracefully to the floor.  
  
"Show off." said Rogue.  
  
"One more thing." said Kurt. He went for a heavy black watch he wore on his wrist. "Uh, do   
  
you girls promise not to scream or anything?"  
  
"Kurt," said Daria. "I have been brainwashed, swapped bodies with a mongoloid idiot, knelt   
  
before the Wart Goddess against my will, been kidnapped and nearly forced to marry a disgusting   
  
creature from the deep and was nearly raped and murdered by some maniac who wanted to get back at   
  
Trent through me. There's not much you could do that would make me scream."  
  
"And, you, Jane?" he asked. "I mean it, I really hate it when girls scream."  
  
"What if she's screaming 'Oh, Kurt! Oh, Kurt!'?" asked Daria. Kurt laughed.  
  
"I won't scream." Jane promised.  
  
"OK." Kurt took a deep breath and pressed a button on his watch. He turned into a furry   
  
blue creature with pointed ears and a spaded tail. To his relief, no one screamed.  
  
"That's-um-different." said Daria. "What about you, Rogue?"   
  
"I don't wanna talk about it." she said morosly.  
  
"Have four psionic and psychopathic bear cubs really robbed this man's grocery store?" the   
  
TV announcer asked. A quaking, wide-eyed man in an apron was shown on TV. "It's the Terror Bear's   
  
Countdown! Stay tuned for Sick, Sad World!"  
  
"This looks promising." said Daria.  
  
"We have with us," said journalist Beulah Faulkner in her plummy voice. "Mr. Sylvester Casey,   
  
manager of the Goosey-Loosey, a grocery store in Northern Lawndale, Massachusettes. Mr. Casey, is it   
  
true your store was robbed by a quartet of small brown bears?"  
  
"B-b-b-bears." Mr. Casey stammered. "Big teeth. Sh-sharp claws."  
  
"Is it also true, that while your registers were left untouched, the store's supply of honey was   
  
taken, the fish case emptied and every last candy bar was stolen?"  
  
"B-bears..." Mr. Casey stammered. "Don't let them get me!"  
  
"Uh, there are no bears here, Mr. Casey." Ms Faulkner tried to pry the frightened store manager   
  
off her. "Can you tell me what happened that night?" Mr. Casey gave a earsplitting scream. "Right,"   
  
Ms. Faulkner smiled. "Why don't we just watch the surveilance video?"  
  
The surveilance video was, predictably, black and white and grainy. Mr. Casey was seen,   
  
apparantly preparing to close. Four short figures in overcoats and slouchy hats entered the store.   
  
"We're about to close, kids." Mr. Casey said to them. "So make it quick." One of them grabbed a   
  
paper bag from the counter and started filling it with candy bars. "You're gonna rot your teeth,   
  
kid." said Mr. Casey. "Hope you have the money to pay for all of that." The "kid" merely looked   
  
at Mr. Casey. Mr. Casey suddenly screamed and fell to the floor, writhing as if in pain.  
  
"I read something like that in the paper." said Jane. "This guy at the Gas&Gulp was robbed   
  
late at night. They took the cash, a bunch of comic books and every single candy bar. The security   
  
video showed four short people in hats and coats acting pretty much like the crooks here. When they   
  
asked the clerk what happened he just mumbled something about bears and then yelled that spiders   
  
were crawling on him.."  
  
"These aren't ordinary kids." said Trent.  
  
"No shit, Sherlock." said Daria.  
  
"Keep digging, Watson." he replied.  
  
"If they're kids," said Scott. "They obviously have mutant powers. And a hell of a sweet tooth."  
  
"But," said Jean. "Why didn't Professor X detect them with Cerebro?"  
  
"Could be," said Rogue. "They're not even human. Didn't get a good look at their faces."  
  
Jane changed the channels. Channel 7 News was on. Diana Wolfgang was interviewing Captain   
  
Bruce Granger of the Lawndale Police Department. "Captain Granger," she said "what do you have to   
  
say about the recent rash of robberies?"  
  
"I don't believe we're dealing with ordinary criminals." he said. "Last night they robbed the   
  
Diamond Domicile, a local party supply store. They took the till, an armload of lollypops and   
  
several items that I suppose just captured their fancy. The night before, Ell-See Toys was broken   
  
into and ransacked. The night before that, the First National Bank was robbed of $20,000. Not a lot,   
  
considering. They seemed to just want to grab the money and run. Though these criminals may seem   
  
immature, I'd like to tell the citizens of Lawndale that they are dangerous. In every case, at least   
  
one or two witnesses were found. Let's say they were in no condition to give a statement, and leave it   
  
at that."  
  
"Captain Granger, do you believe the Formidable Four could apprehend these criminals?"  
  
"Well, those kids have done a lot for this city and it's citizens. I wouldn't want them to   
  
put themselves in danger. These-things-are not typical creatures. But, if anyone can do it, they can."  
  
"That's our invitation." said Daria.  
  
"May we be your guests?" asked Scott.  
  
"More the merrier." shrugged Trent.  
  
"Great." said Scott. "I suggest we rest up first and form a plan in the morning."  
  
"I like that plan." said Trent, standing up.  
  
"OK, sleeping arrangments." said Jane. "Scott and Jean can have Penny's room. Gotta warn you,   
  
it's a pretty narrow bed. Hope you don't mind getting close."  
  
"Wouldn't want it any other way." said Scott.  
  
"Is your mom OK with this?" asked Jean.  
  
"She's cool." said Jane. "She doesn't mind Daria and Jesse sleeping with us, we're engaged   
  
after all. Rogue and Kurt will have to fight over the sofa-bed."  
  
"She can have it." said Kurt. "The loveseat looks good. I've got a flexible spine, I can   
  
sleep nearly anywhere." He took his sleeping bag out of his pack as Trent helped Rogue with the sofa.  
  
Upstairs, Trent and Daria got ready for bed. "Should I get Grandma's nightie out for you?"   
  
he teased.  
  
"Trent, you know very well that I've been keeping a couple changes of clothes over here."   
  
She opened a drawer Trent had set aside for her things.  
  
"Not the shirt and shorts set." he frowned. "Why don't you wear that cute baby-doll I got you?"  
  
"Because I want to sleep tonight."  
  
Jane and Jesse got ready for bed. "You should start remembering to leave some pajamas or   
  
something over here." said Jane.  
  
"I usually sleep in the nude anyway." he said as he undressed. "And I've left some clothes   
  
here. I think Trent's been borrowing them. He'll do anything to get out of doing laundry."  
  
"Just remember, we have guests. So, if you get up in the middle of the night for anything,   
  
slip something on." She turned out the light and got in bed with him. "Sing me a song." she   
  
whispered, cuddling close to his bare flesh.  
  
"Well, OK." he said as if indulging a child. He sang for her.  
  
In Penny's room, Scott was getting more than affectionate with Jean.  
  
"We're in someone else's house." she protested.  
  
"I'll try not to wake them." he smiled.  
  
Jean ran her fingers through his full brown hair, her fingers trailing the elastic strap   
  
that held his visor on. "Did you bring protection?"  
  
Scott opened his backpack and showed her.  
  
"Rogue?" Kurt asked downstairs.  
  
"Mmmph?" she mumbled.  
  
"Tell me a story."  
  
"Once upon a time there was an annoying blue elf who wouldn't let his adopted sister sleep.   
  
So she killed him and lived happily ever after. The end. Good night!"  
  
The next morning, around 10, the crimefighters met in the dining room. Amanda was making   
  
pancakes. "Who wants sausage?" she asked.  
  
"Me!" Kurt enthusiastically raised his hand.  
  
"Mom cooks now?" Trent asked Janey.  
  
"I went to the Goosey-Loosey the other day." she said as she fried up some Sizzlers. "They   
  
were completly out of honey, can you imagine that?"  
  
"Yeah, imagine that." said Jane.  
  
"Do we have time for this?" asked Scott.  
  
"Even super heroes need a good breakfast." said Amanda. "Now sit down."  
  
Scott did as Amanda said, but talked plans over breakfast. "What we need to do," he said   
  
between bites of buttermilk pancakes. "Is find out where all the places that were robbed are.   
  
The Formidable Four should be the most familiar with the area. Do you have a map?"  
  
"Here's a street map." Amanda took a map from a utillity drawer. "Does that help?"  
  
"Yes, thank you Mrs., I mean, Amanda." said Scott. "Now, I don't think the 'Terror Bears',   
  
as SSW calls them have a car. They looked too short to see over the steering wheel."  
  
"There's ways around that." said Daria.  
  
"True." said Scott. "Could one of you show me on the map where the robbed places are located?"  
  
"The report on SSW said The Goosey-Loosey in Northern Lawndale was robbed." said Jane. "Hey,   
  
Mom, did you go to the Goosey-Loosey on Thurmond Street?"  
  
"Yes, I think that was the one." She answered.  
  
"It's located about- here." Jane drew an X on the map.   
  
"And the Diamond Domicile is practically next door." Trent drew an X near Jane's.  
  
"The Gas&Gulp is a block down the street." said Daria. "About here." She drew an X.  
  
"And the bank's here." said Trent, adding another X. "A couple blocks the other way. Seems   
  
everytime we go near it, it gets robbed. Does anyone know where Ell-See Toys is?"  
  
"It's a couple blocks down from the Goosey-Loosey on Manheim Street." Jesse drew an X on   
  
the map not to far from the cluster of X's on Thurmond. "Danny's always bugging me for a ride   
  
there. He collects toy robots."  
  
Scott looked at the map. "All within walking distance of each other." he said, sipping some   
  
orange juice. "I'll guess that these bears are not to far away. Maybe two mile radius or less."   
  
He looked at the maps legend and drew a circle around the X's. "Here's where we need to look.   
  
Are there any residences in that area?"  
  
"There's an apartment complex and a suburbian area." said Trent.  
  
"That's where we need to go." said Scott, getting up.  
  
"Uh-uh," said Amanda. "Not untill Trent and Jane do the dishes."  
  
"But Mom!" complained Jane.  
  
"They're your guests." Amanda said gently. "I was nice enough to make breakfast, now you   
  
can clean up."  
  
"Oh, no more sausage." Kurt said sadly.  
  
"I'll wash, you dry." Trent told his sister.  
  
After the dishes were done, the eight crimefighters piled inside the Tank II. "Have fun and   
  
be careful!" Amanda shouted as she waved good-bye.  
  
They drove to Thurmond Street and parked in the lot outside Goosey-Loosey. Trent opened the   
  
glove box and handed what looked like pens and earrings out to the X-Men. "Danny made some spare   
  
communicators. Just talk into the pen and use the earring to listen."  
  
"Eat yer heart out, James Bond." said Rogue as she put her earring on.  
  
"Four of us will take the apartment complex." said Trent. "Four of us will take the 'burbs.   
  
Ask around, see if anyone's seen anything strange, especially at night."  
  
"We should partner off." said Scott. "So everyone has at least one person to look out for them."  
  
Trent picked up a notebook he had been keeping in the Tank II and tore out a sheet of paper.   
  
"We'll draw lots to see who teams up with who." He tore the paper into strips and wrote names on them.   
  
He crumpled them up and mixed them up. Scott chose two names at a time and announced the team ups.   
  
Daria would pair with Rogue. Jane would pair with Jean. Jesse would pair with Kurt. Scott would   
  
pair with Trent.  
  
Trent, Scott, Jane and Jean went for the apartments. The others went to the suburbs. At the   
  
apartments, Trent and Scott went one way, Jean and Jane went another.   
  
"Dude," said Trent. "It's gotta be weird having a girlfriend who can read minds."  
  
"It is, man." said Scott. "But I know Jean would never purposly read my thoughts if I didn't   
  
want her to. When we first met, her powers were out of control. She just couldn't help reading   
  
other people's minds. Imagine what that's like, having your head constantly filled with the stray   
  
thoughts of others. On the bright side, I never had to worry about how I would tell her I loved   
  
her. She knew from the begining."  
  
"Yeah," said Trent. "But did she like you back? That's the hard part."  
  
"I think she did. Remember, at the time, she wasn't having it so good. She had left her   
  
parent's house for the first time, started a new school, and was constantly bombarded by other's   
  
thoughts to the point where she couldn't sort out her own. Professor X has helped her a lot. He's   
  
helped all of us."  
  
"Scott, how do you do it?"  
  
"Do what?"  
  
"Doing this whole leader thing. You seem pretty comfortable with it. Everyone wants to call   
  
me the leader, but I'm not."  
  
"What makes you say that? You seem to be handling things well."  
  
"Scott, calling myself the leader would be like saying I'm better than the others. I'm not,   
  
believe me. Daria's smarter than I am. Jesse's stronger. And Janey is our fire power, literally.   
  
I'm not the smartest and far from the most responsible. If I screw up, that would mean everyone   
  
screws up."  
  
"Trent, have a little faith in yourself. It doesn't take a psychic to see your friends have   
  
faith in you. I think you're a good leader myself."  
  
"I don't lead. I come up with a few suggestions, let the others come up with a few, and we   
  
reach a consensus. That's all."  
  
"Trent, that's exactly what a good leader would do."  
  
Meanwhile, Jane and Jean checked out the other side of the apartments. "Weird how our names   
  
are kinda simular." said Jane.  
  
"Yeah." said Jean. "Did you know there once was a princess named Jane Grey?"  
  
"What happened to her?" asked Jane. Jean smiled and slashed a finger across her throat,   
  
making a cutting sound. "Oh. Hey, Jean, you could use that mind-reading thing to find out if the   
  
crooks we're looking for are here."  
  
"Jane, that would be an invasion of privacy."  
  
"What good is having power if you don't use it?"  
  
"Oh, alright." Jean opened up her mind to the local residents. It was garbled at first, but   
  
when she concentrated, she could sort them out."  
  
"Any criminal activity yet?" asked Jane.  
  
"They're selling heroin out of that apartment." she said, pointing to number 57. "We'll call   
  
the police later and let them handle it." Jean concentrated, and then looked horified.  
  
"What is it?" asked Jane.  
  
"You don't want to know what's going on in there." she said, pointing to number 55.  
  
"Well, now I'm curious."  
  
"It involves a sheep."  
  
"Ugh."   
  
Meanwhile, Daria, Rogue, Jesse and Kurt checked out the suburbs. Daria caught the attention   
  
of a man who was mowing his yard. "Hello." he said. "You kids new around here?"  
  
"I'd like to ask you, sir," said Daria. "Have you noticed anything strange in this area?"  
  
"Well, I heard about the Goosey-Loosey down the road being robbed." he said. "Poor Sylvester   
  
Casey, word is he's being institutionalized. Did the police send you here?"  
  
"We're private investigators." said Daria. "Did anyone strange move into the neighborhood   
  
recently?"  
  
"Strange short people, perhaps?" prompted Rogue.  
  
"No, no, you kids are the only people I've seen around here I don't know. Now, the Huntleys   
  
moved out not to long ago, at least I think they moved."  
  
"You think?" said Rogue.  
  
"I haven't seen any of them. A couple with three kids, used to yell at them for running   
  
through my garden, now, I kinda miss 'em. Real strange, just took off and left one night. Barely   
  
took anything with them."  
  
"Where did they live?" asked Daria.  
  
"That big white house just down that road apiece. But, I wouldn't go there if I was you.   
  
There's nothing there. Best to just stay away from it."  
  
"Thank you, sir, you've been very helpful." said Daria as they walked away.  
  
"That man has been totally mind fucked." said Rogue. "There's something in that house and   
  
he and probably everyone in the neighborhood has been manipulated to keep away from there."  
  
"We'll call the others." said Daria.  
  
Trent and Scott had gone door to door in the apartment complex. So far, they met a blonde   
  
in black leather who asked them if they wanted to party, a creepy guy who asked them if they wanted   
  
to get high, and some scraggly guy who asked them if they knew that Jesus was coming. Nothing out of   
  
the ordinary. They heard Daria's voice on their communicators. "We found their hideout." she said.   
  
"Come to 384 Odessa Drive. It's a big white house."  
  
"We'll be there." said Trent.  
  
Jean and Jane had also got the message and were more than glad to get out of the sleazy   
  
apartment complex. The four met at the Tank II and headed for the suburbs.  
  
It was a nice looking house. Big, white, two stories, with a wrap around porch and a picture   
  
window shaded with venitian blinds. The paint was just starting to peel and the lawn was a bit   
  
overgrown. It was hard to say if anyone lived there. "I see a door on the other side of the porch."   
  
said Scott. "Kurt, you and Jesse go there. Jean, you and Jane take the other side. Rogue, you and   
  
Daria come through the back. Trent and I will enter through here."  
  
Everyone ran to their areas. Rogue and Daria scaled the chain link fence into the back yard.   
  
It seemed the only way in through that direction was a single window.  
  
"Rogue," said Daria. "This is going to call for stealth. If I need to go invisible, I can   
  
make you invisible by holding your hand."  
  
"Nothin' doing."  
  
"Look, I'm not especially thrilled about holding hands with a girl either, but..."  
  
"It's not that. Daria, last night, when I said I didn't want to talk about my power? Well,   
  
it happens every time I touch someone. I absorb their thoughts, their memories, their skills, their   
  
very souls. If I were to touch you, I could turn myself invisible. I'd also know of every experience   
  
you've ever had as if it were my own. You, however, would be in a coma for an hour. That's why I keep   
  
myself covered up. So I don't touch anyone by accident. It's a pain in the ass."  
  
"Oh." Daria felt a huge amount of sympathy for Rogue, but didn't know how to word it. "Look,   
  
I'm sure it will work through the glove. I make clothes invisible, so it doesn't have to be skin on skin."  
  
Rogue looked through the window. "No one's in this room. We can save the stealth for later."   
  
She opened the window and crawled in. Daria followed. They found themselves in what appeared to   
  
be a den. A distressed black leather couch was on one side, a computer desk was on the other. An   
  
empty plastic bottle shaped like a bear was lying on the floor. Were they on the right track? A   
  
deer's head hung on the wall and there was a pool table in the middle of the room. A rack of cue   
  
sticks stood in one corner. Rogue picked up one of the sticks and twirled it like a baton. She   
  
did a few practice feignts and parries. She had been well trained in using the staff as a weapon.   
  
Daria decided to take one too. The only two ways out of the den were a pair of folding doors and   
  
a passageway past a staircase. They took the passageway; it seemed quieter.  
  
They cautiously stepped past the staircase to the less-than-tidy living room. The TV was   
  
set on /Friends/. Rogue and Daria shared a disgusted look. What kind of taste did these people   
  
have? What caught their attention was some smacking and gobbling sounds coming from the couch.   
  
Whoever it was, was to short to see. Ever so often, a crumpled candy wrapper would fly over the   
  
back of the couch, joining several others that littered the floor. Daria grabbed Rogue's gloved   
  
hand, willed the both of them invisible, and approached the couch. Sitting there was a tubby   
  
bear-like creature. Had it not been for his fierce claws, cruel eyes and sharp teeth that were   
  
devouring one candy bar after another, he would've looked like a big teddy bear. Oddly, he had a   
  
picture on his stomache. It was of a skull with its top being blown off with a mushroom cloud.  
  
Suddenly, it stopped eating and sniffed the air. It growled. *Someone's hiding in here.*   
  
Daria and Rogue heard the voice in side their heads. *They'd better stay away from me!*  
  
"He can smell us."said Daria, letting go of Rogue. The bear let out a yelp and tried to   
  
get away from them. The two girls trashed the already trashed living room trying to catch the   
  
bear. Rogue cornered it.  
  
"I gotcha now, Teddy Ruxpin!" she said, aiming her pool cue at the bear's head. The bear   
  
slashed at her arm with his razor sharp claws, causing her to drop the stick in pain. While she   
  
was distracted, the bear leaped on her chest, pinning her. It raised a paw to claw at Rogue again   
  
when Daria struck him with the butt of her cue stick.  
  
"Fur ball in the corner pocket!" she said.  
  
*You'll pay for that, human!* The psionic voice was back. *Face the wrath of Doom Bear!*  
  
Daria fell to the floor. "What did you do to her?" Rogue demanded. Doom Bear ignored her.   
  
"Oh, that is it!" Rogue took off her gloves. "You an' me are gonna tangle!" She ran at the bear.   
  
It turned and ran for a door on the other side of the room. She chased the bear into a large   
  
white tiled bathroom. "Yer jus' makin' it harder on yourself!" She yelled as she chased the bear   
  
around the room. He happened to slip on some soap carelessly left on the floor. Rogue tackled him.   
  
"Gotcha now!" She pressed a palm against Doom Bear's shiny black nose.  
  
Horrific memories flooded Rogue's mind. Suddenly, she was a helpless bear cub being torn   
  
from his mother, cries callously unheeded. She knew what it was to be injected several times a   
  
day with harsh toxins, to have electrons attatched to her brain, to have cold scientists experiment   
  
on her pain threshold. She also rememberred the experiments making her and her 3 brothers get   
  
bigger, stronger, smarter. In fact, they developed awesome psionic powers. After subjecting the   
  
scientist to the same Hell they endured for years, the lab was burned to the ground and the Terror   
  
Bears escaped. She rememberred hypnotizing the family that lived here into believing that an atom   
  
bomb was going to land on their house if they didn't leave immediatly. It was the scariest thing   
  
she could think of. She had been living in this house with the other 3 ever since. They went out   
  
at night to steal food and money to pay what Buzzy (Who was Buzzy?) called an "Electric Bill."   
  
She was Doom Bear, Sammy to her brothers.  
  
Rogue blinked. Those are not my memories. She reminded herself. She looked down at the   
  
unconscous bear. "GOD DAMMIT, WHY CAN'T I DIE?!"she heard Daria yell. She knew the bear would be   
  
out for an hour, so she went to check on Daria. She was sitting up in the living room, with the   
  
expression of someone who had been to Hell and back.  
  
"You OK, Daria?" she asked.  
  
"They, they were all dead." she said. "Everyone." She took a look around. "But, it didn't   
  
really happen, did it?"  
  
"Sammy put you in a mind trap." said Rogue. "That's one of his powers."  
  
"Sammy?"  
  
"Doom Bear's real name. He's a mutant bear, the subject of an experiment gone wrong. He's   
  
constantly afraid of a nuclear holocaust killing everyone but him."  
  
"How long was I out?"  
  
"I dunno, a few minutes."  
  
"Felt like hours. You're hurt." Daria ripped some upholsty from the couch that looked like   
  
the bears had used it to sharpen their claws. "Let me cover it up."  
  
"Daria, you can't touch me, remember?"  
  
"We need to get that wound dressed. Now, into the bathroom."  
  
Daria pushed Doom Bear to a corner of the bathroom and went to the medicine cabinet. She   
  
found a bottle of peroxide and some gauze. Rogue sat on the edge of the jacuzzi sized tub, nursing   
  
her injured arm. "Hold out your arm." Rogue did as Daria said. "This may sting a little." Rogue   
  
bit her lip as her wound foamed over. Daria handed her the gauze. Rogue placed it where it needed   
  
to be. The gauze quickly absorbed her blood. "It's pretty deep." Daria tied the strips of uppholstry   
  
around the gauze covered arm, careful not to touch Rogue's skin. "Squeeze it right here." Daria   
  
said, showing her. "And lay down and elevate it."  
  
"I ain't got time to play patient!" Rogue said. "There's three other psycho bears on the loose!"  
  
"You're bleeding pretty bad where the bear scratched you. It may have nicked an artery. Just lay   
  
back and calm down. I'll find something to tie Sammy down with."  
  
"But Daria..."  
  
"Rogue, people kill themselves by slashing their wrists. Now be a good little patient and   
  
lie down and shut up!"  
  
"You sure are stubborn, you know that?"  
  
"I have a feeling you are too." Daria went back to the den and brought back some extension   
  
cords she had found. She began hogtying the bear.  
  
"Daria," said Rogue as she layed in the empty tub. "Could you come here a sec?"  
  
"What is it?"  
  
Rogue looked directly into Daria's eyes. "I'm really not hurt all that bad. Look, the   
  
bleedin's stopped already." She showed Daria the wound, it appeared much smaller than she rememberred.   
  
"Listen, it ain't good for either of us to be alone here. I'm OK, so let's go."  
  
"Well, if you really think you can." Daria helped Rogue out of the tub. As they left the   
  
bathroom, Rogue looked down at her bloody wound. She felt bad about manipulating Daria with Sammy's   
  
hypnotic suggestion powers, but she didn't know what else to do.   
  
Meanwhile, Kurt and Jesse climbed the steps to the kitchen door. It was a glass sliding door   
  
they could easily see through. The spacious kitchen was littered with remenants of junk food.   
  
Someone was looking through the refrigerator. Whoever it was was hidden by the refrigerator door.   
  
"Ok," said Kurt. "We've got the drop on him." He took a good look at the interior. "I can just   
  
'port right in."  
  
"And what about me?" asked Jesse.  
  
"I'll take you with me, of course." Kurt grabbed Jesse's arm. There was a puff of smoke   
  
and suddenly thet were in the kitchen, right behind a small bear that had just shove a whole salmon   
  
in its mouth. It turned and faced them. "Mein Gott!" said Kurt. "It's Paddington!"   
  
Jesse had to agree, this creature did look like a teddy bear, only without the cuddliness.   
  
He had a strange marking on his stomache. It was a skull with the top removed and replaced with   
  
a ghostly character. It reminded Jesse of a painting he had seen in one of Jane's books- Munch's   
  
/The Scream/.  
  
The bear glared at them, fish still in his mouth. Kurt heard a voice in his head. *You have fur,   
  
like us.* it said quietly. *I may let you live, but get that filthy human out of here!*  
  
"Vas?" Kurt was shocked. He didn't expect the bear to talk-no, not talk. It put it's thoughts   
  
into his head, as Professor X was capable of doing. The bear stared at Jesse. Jesse started to tremble.   
  
He was breathing faster. "Jesse, what is it?" he asked.  
  
"I-i-it's not my fault, Matt." he stammered. "Matt, please, don't do it again!"  
  
"Who is Matt?" Kurt looked at the bear. "What are you doing to him?" Jesse collapsed and   
  
started to hyperventalate.  
  
"Oh, God, oh, God." he gasped. "All the blood. M-make it go away."  
  
"Jesse, there is no blood." said Kurt. He saw the bear calmly eating the salmon, seeming to   
  
enjoy Jesse's torment.  
  
"Du Sohn der un Luder!" Kurt cursed at the bear. "Stop this! Stop it now!"  
  
*Make me.*  
  
Kurt rushed at the bear. Suddenly, he found himself back in Bayville high. He didn't have   
  
his holo-watch on him. "Get him!" someone yelled, pointing at Kurt.  
  
"Kill the demon!" someone else yelled.  
  
Kurt found himself running for his life.  
  
Now, let the Watcher reveal what was happening on the floor above.  
  
As soon as everyone broke off into four groups, Scott and Trent assesed the situation.  
  
"Coming in through the front door probably isn't a great idea." said Trent.  
  
"Right." Scott agreed. "That window on the upper floor is open. If there was some way to   
  
reach it..." Scott rubbed his chin as he tried to think.  
  
"Can you climb?" asked Trent.  
  
"Not a sheer wall like that."  
  
"I meant with a rope. I can stretch up that high and you can use me as a rope. Done it before."  
  
"Let's do it."   
  
Trent stretched up to the window. Scott got a grip on his elongated body and started climbing.   
  
When he got to the top, Trent motioned for him to stop, put a finger to his lips and pointed to the   
  
open window. Scott looked over Trent's shoulder. The interior seemed to be a pre-teen boy's bedroom   
  
complete with Gundam Wing posters and several toys and clothes strewn on the floor. What caught their   
  
attention was a bearlike creature sitting on the bed. He had a Gameboy lying on the nightstand as he   
  
attempted to play with his clumsy clawed fingers. Scott silently climbed in. Trent followed.  
  
The bear growled at his game, obviously not winning. Then he sniffed the air and turned.   
  
When he saw the two human intruders he let out a roar and threw the Gameboy at them, missing.  
  
"This is what we're going up against?" asked Trent.   
  
"Don't let it's small size fool you, Trent." said Scott.  
  
The bear stood on the bed and roared louder, gnashing his fangs and raising his arms to look   
  
bigger than 3 foot 5 inches. He had a marking on his stomache- a skull with a clump of thorny vines   
  
growing from it.  
  
"Hey, cool tattoo." Trent commented.  
  
Trent heard a growling voice in his head. *You dare mock me, human? Have a taste of the wrath   
  
of Pain Bear!* Before Trent could react, he was seized with the sensation that every one of his nerve   
  
endings were on fire. The unexpected pain crippled his movement. *This is but a fragment of what   
  
pitiful humans did to me!* Pain Bear's psionic voice roared in Trent's head. *I can do worse, much worse!*  
  
"Trent, what is it?" asked Scott.  
  
"Nothing I can't handle." Trent gasped. "I've been tattooed, pierced and frost bitten on 90% of my body.   
  
I can-" He yelled out in pain. The sensation was as if a million needles were impaling him. "I can work through   
  
the pain."  
  
"You're lying through your ass, Lane." said Scott. He looked over at the bear and raised   
  
his sunglasses. A red optic blast knocked the bear off his feet and demolished the bed he had been   
  
standing on. Trent relaxed as the pain suddenly went away.  
  
*You hurt me!* Scott heard the reproachful voice in his head.  
  
"You can dish it out." said Scott. "Can't you take it?"  
  
*I'll show you, human!*  
  
The next thing Scott knew, he had his hands tied together with a thick rope. They seemed to   
  
be attatched to a pully system. He was suddenly being lifted higher, higher, and higher. Scott   
  
felt his arms give under the pressure. His head spun with vertigo. Then he was dropped.  
  
Trent saw Scott collapse to the ground, as if he had blacked out. Trent looked around for   
  
a weapon. He saw a Gundam model on the dresser and grabbed it, intending to throw it at Pain Bear.   
  
Another shot of white hot pain caused him to drop it. He felt as if he were being crushed on all   
  
sides. His knees buckled. It took all his strength to remain semi-upright. *Impressive.* the voice   
  
was in his head again. *Most humans would've fainted or at least begged for mercy by now.*  
  
"I won't beg mercy from you." Trent said through gritted teeth. "You'll get none from me."  
  
*I expect none! I wonder how much you can take before you snap.* Trent felt as if a double   
  
edged blade had been thrust into his stomache. He nearly choked trying not to yell out in pain.   
  
He didn't want to give the bear the satisfaction.   
  
Meanwhile, Jean and Jane checked out their appointed side of the house. "The only way in there,"   
  
Jean observed. "Is one of those three windows on the top floor."  
  
"I can fly." said Jane. "It might be difficult to do while carrying you. I can only do it   
  
when I've flamed on."  
  
"That's OK.'' said Jean. "I can use my telekinesis to lift myself pretty high."  
  
"Flame on!" Jane turned on the flames and flew up to the center window. Jean floated up   
  
beside her. Jane tried the window. "Locked." she said. Jean smiled. The latch inside the window   
  
seemed to turn on it's own. The window slid open. "That works." Jane turned off the flames and   
  
went through the window. Jean followed her.  
  
They landed on a water bed. "Wow," said Jane. "Whoever lives here likes to live in comfort."   
  
She gave the bed a small bounce, riding the wave.  
  
"C'mon, Jane," said Jean. "We have to find..."  
  
*Who's in my room?* a psionic voice entered their minds. The door creaked open. In stepped   
  
a little bear, not much more than 3 feet tall. He was covered in rough brown fur and had a picture   
  
on his stomache. It was of a skull with the top cut off and a pteradactyl-like boogeyman jumping   
  
out of it. It grinned at them, showing sharp white fangs. *Somebody's been sleeping in my bed, and   
  
here she is!*  
  
"Flame on!" Jane threw a fire ball at the bear. It calmly ducked. The fireball hit the carpet,   
  
causing it to light up in flames.  
  
*You idiot! You'll burn the house down! You will face the punishment of Nightmare Bear!*   
  
Jane collapsed. She looked like she had fallen asleep. Jean tried to wake her. *Don't waste   
  
time with her, you stupid human!* said Nightmare Bear as he tried to stomp out the growing flames.   
  
*Do something to put out this fire!*  
  
As much as Jean hated being bossed by Smokey the Bear, she knew she had to do something.   
  
She used her telekinesis to unravel some stitches in the waterbed. Water rushed out. She used her   
  
telekinesis to direct the water onto the flames. *Stupid human! That was my bed! I have nowhere   
  
to sleep and you've ruined the carpet! Pleasant dreams.* The last statement was meant ironically.  
  
Jean found herself walking the halls of Bayville High. A cacaphony of voices filled her head.   
  
She was hearing everyone's thoughts at once. She tried to get away from it. She went into the   
  
lunchroom. She saw Scott sitting at a table having lunch. She approached him. She wanted to tell   
  
him that she had lost control of her powers again and needed to go home and tell Professor X.  
  
If I find Jean visiting Duncan's grave again, he was thinking. I am so calling it quits.  
  
No, she thought. I have complete caontrol over my powers. This can't be happening. An   
  
epiphany came to her. This isn't happening! It feels real, but it's not. That Nightmare Bear has   
  
me in a mind trap! She sent out a telepathic scream. *GET OUT OF MY MIND!*  
  
Jean came to. She saw Nightmare Bear, shocked that a human could escape his mind trap. Jean   
  
summoned up her TK to pick the bear up and throw him against the wall. For the first time since   
  
his cubhood in the science lab, Nightmare Bear was afraid. "OK, Buzzy," said Jean. "That's your   
  
real name, isn't it? Take the mind trap off Jane now!"  
  
*What will you do if I don't?* he asked petulantly.  
  
"This!" Jean used her TK to throw the bear across the room where he smashed into a mirror   
  
on top of a vanity. Jane groaned as she came to.   
  
"Good, it was only a nightmare." she said. Then she looked around. She remembered her present   
  
situation. "Uh-oh."  
  
*That's seven years of bad luck.* said Nightmare Bear, picking glass out of his fur.  
  
"Maybe for you." Jean and Jane prepared to fight the wounded bear.  
  
After Daria had treated Rogue's wound they went back to the living room and retrieved their   
  
cue sticks. They heard noise in the kitchen. They saw another bear standing by the refridgerator,   
  
calmly picking his teeth with a fish bone as Jesse and Kurt lay on the linolium, shivering and   
  
mumbling in hysterical fear. With a fierce cry, Rogue struck it on the head with her cue. Daria   
  
jabbed at the mini-monster with hers. Kurt snapped out of his mind trap. He suddenly realized   
  
what was going on. He saw Rogue and Daria beating up on Fear Bear with pool cues. Daria's broke.   
  
Kurt teleported to the action and grabbed the bear from behind by the ears. *Let go of me!* it   
  
yelled.  
  
"Take your mind trap off Jesse!" Kurt demanded, digging his knee into the bear's back.  
  
*He is out of the mind trap! As soon as those two females started wailing on me, I lost my   
  
concentration! Keeping up two mind traps is difficult enough!*  
  
"Then why's he huddled up in a corner mumblin' 'bout someone named Matt?" asked Rogue.  
  
*Kurt's fear of persecution is a mere anxiety.*  
  
"It didn't feel 'mere' to me!" said Kurt.  
  
*Jesse's fear of blood is severe enough to be a full blown phobia. He's quite mad now.*  
  
"Daria, who's Matt?" asked Kurt.  
  
"Jesse's older brother." she answered. "He shot himself when Jesse was a kid. Jesse walked   
  
in on the aftermath."  
  
"Gott en Himmel." Kurt said sympathetically as he watched Jesse quake in a corner.  
  
Rogue thrust her cue into the bear's chest, pinning him to the floor. "You'll pay for what   
  
you've done!" she yelled. Fear Bear grinned at her.   
  
*Care to see what your biggest fear is, Rogue? Or should I call you Marie?* Rogue's eyes went   
  
wide. *Yes, I know all about you, Rogue. How your Daddy beat you senseless when he found out you were   
  
a mutant. How your Mama cried but did nothing to stop it. How you're gnawed by lonliness everyday.*  
  
"SHUT UP!" Rogue screamed, bringing the cue stick down on the bear's head. She hit him again,   
  
again and again. She hit him untill he went unconscous, but she didn't stop. She hit him untill her   
  
stick broke, punctuating each blow with "Shut up!"  
  
"Rogue, that's enough!" said Kurt, trying to calm her down. Rogue dropped her stick, shaking   
  
with fear and anger. "I'll find something to tie him up with." said Daria, going into the dining room.   
  
Rogue felt dizzy. She began to sway and nearly fainted. Kurt caught her.  
  
"Rogue, what is it?" he asked. He saw the field dressed arm. "Daria let you fight with a   
  
wound that bad?" he said angrily.  
  
"Sh!" Rogue hissed. "She didn't let me, really." she whispered. "I absorbed Doom Bear's   
  
powers and hypnotized her into thinking I'm alright."  
  
"Rogue, you are hurt very badly." Kurt closed his eyes and turned away. "Don't try to   
  
hypnotize me. Rogue, you just don't realize when someone is making you do something for your own   
  
good."  
  
"D'ya think one person coulda stood a chance against Fear Bear? We all hafta stay together   
  
on this, Kurt."  
  
"I don't like it." Kurt shook his head. "You do know that once Doom Bear wakes up, Daria will   
  
see your wound for what it is."  
  
"Please don't tell her? Please...brother?"  
  
"Oh, alright. But when the Scheisse hits the fan, you're on your own."  
  
Daria came back. "I found a roll of duct tape." she said. "That oughta hold the bastard."  
  
"Duct tape on fur," said Kurt as he helped Daria tie Fear Bear up. "That will not be pleasant.   
  
Not that I pity the Schwiene."  
  
"Whadda we do 'bout Shakes?" Rogue motioned at Jesse.  
  
"We have to leave him." Daria sighed.   
  
"We shouldn't leave him by himself." said Kurt. "Rogue, why don't you stay here with him?"   
  
He eyed her wound, as if threatening to spill the beans.  
  
"Alright, fine." she glowered. Great, just great. she thought as Daria left to show Kurt   
  
where the pool cues were. While everyone's off fighting, I gotta stay here with Winnie the fuckin'   
  
Pooh and baby-sit some muscle man who's practically wetting himself.  
  
Trent gritted his teeth, trying to move despite the pain. That damn bear is laughing at us!   
  
he thought. Trent looked at Scott. Tears were slipping under his sunglasses and he was begging for   
  
mercy. "No, you can't ask me to do that." he muttered. "I love all of them."  
  
Whatever I'm going through, Trent decided as he shivered with pain, Scott's getting it ten   
  
times worse. "Please kill me," Scott wept. "Let them go, just kill me." That did it. Trent screamed   
  
as he did it, but he stretched his arm across the room and grabbed the bear by the ear and pinched   
  
hard as he shook it roughly. The bear sqealed in pain.  
  
"Let him go." Trent growled through clanched teeth. "Let him go!"  
  
*Stop it! You're hurting me! OK, I'll take it off him!*   
  
Scott came to. He was shivering as his torment subsided. He saw that his shirt was in one   
  
piece and looked down it. He smiled with relief to find no burns or scars. Then he turned his   
  
attention to Pain Bear. "Stop what you're doing to Trent." Scott fired a warning shot. "Or else."  
  
Trent gasped as the painful sensation went away. Not being hurt almost felt pleasurable now.  
  
"Good bear." said Scott. "Now start talking."  
  
*Up yours, you stinking human!* Trent twisted the bear's ears. *Ow! What do you want me to say?*  
  
"Are you one of the creatures that's been robbing places after driving people insane?"  
  
*Maybe.* Trent gave him a squeeze. *OK, yeah.*  
  
"And the others?"  
  
*My three brothers. Archie, Sammy and Buzzy.*  
  
"So your name's not really Pain Bear?" asked Trent.  
  
*It's Bertie, wanna make something of it?*  
  
"Damn, you've got an attitude." said Trent.  
  
They heard a crash outside the room. "What was that?" asked Scott.  
  
"Better check it out." said Trent. "But first," Trent hefted up the bear and tossed him   
  
in a closet and slammed the door. Pain Bear roared and clawed at the door as Trent struggled to   
  
keep it closed. Scott pushed the nightstand over in front of the door. The two of them pushed a   
  
dresser over to further baricade the door.  
  
Daria and Kurt had come up the stairs just in time to see Nightmare Bear crash through the   
  
bedroom wall and fly across the foyer. "Don't let him get away!" yelled Jean. Daria picked up a   
  
vase and clobbered the bear as he ran at her. He went down. Trent and Scott joined the party.   
  
"Trent!" Daria embraced him. Trent was pleasantly surprised. She usually wasn't this clingy.   
  
"You're alive! You're alive!"  
  
"Um, yeah, I'm alive." he answered.  
  
"Jean!" Scott climbed through the hole in the wall to get to her. "Oh, you're alright!" He   
  
hugged her close to him.  
  
"Jane!" Kurt opened his arms to her.  
  
"Kurt!" She hugged him in mock affection. "In case you four lovebirds haven't noticed, we   
  
got a bear to take care of."  
  
"Kurt," said Daria. "Did you bring the duct tape?"  
  
"Ja." he said, producing it. The six of them made short work of tying up the bear.   
  
"We've got another one in the closet." said Trent. "He can make you feel pain just by   
  
thinking about it. But he's a pain wimp himself. The six of us can take him out."  
  
They did, but it wasn't easy. Every time Pain Bear tried to put someone in pain, Trent would   
  
slap him on the nose. After he bit Trent, Daria taped his muzzle shut. That didn't stop Pain Bear   
  
from sending out telepathic curses.  
  
As they went downstairs, Daria said "Jane, Trent, you better brace yourselves before we go   
  
into the kitchen."  
  
"What's wrong?" Trent asked.  
  
"It's Jesse. He-"  
  
At the mention that something was wrong with Jesse, Jane ran down the stairs and into the   
  
kitchen. She knelt down beside Jesse and held him. "Sh, it's OK." she whispered. "I'm here now."   
  
He didn't respond to her at all.  
  
"Oh, I'm fine." said Rogue. "Nearly bled to death, prob'ly need a rabies shot, but I'm fine."  
  
"Fear Bear drove him over the edge." said Kurt. "I'm sorry."  
  
"This isn't fair." Jane wept. "My last memory of him is going to be a false one. Nightmare   
  
made me think Jesse was leaving me. I guess he is."  
  
"I might be able to help." said Jean, knealing on Jesse's other side. "If I can just get into   
  
his mind. Proffesor X told me all about it. I've never tried it on a non-psychic before, but Prof says   
  
it can be done. Here it goes." She put one hand on his head and the other to hers and concentrated.   
  
Jean found herself in a great white void. She looked around and saw nothing. She walked. She heard   
  
what sounded like a child crying. She followed the sound. She came upon a small boy, perhaps 10 years old.   
  
He was lying face down and weeping. He had wavy light brown hair. Was this little boy Jesse?  
  
"Jesse?" she said experimentally. He looked up, his huge brown eyes had seen far to much   
  
sadness for a boy his age. Jean took the child in her lap. "Jesse, everything's OK. You're not   
  
a child anymore. You're an adult. You're Hercules, possibly the strongest man alive. Whatever's   
  
happened to you, it's the past. Let it go. Jane's waiting for you."  
  
When Jesse came to, he found himself in Jean's arms, his head resting in a rather embarasing   
  
spot. He let go of her. Jane held him for a long time.  
  
"Now what do we do?" asked Daria.  
  
"Well," said Rogue. "We might wanna tell the Huntley's their home isn't bombed, jus' looks   
  
like it."  
  
"The bears have made a mess." Daria commented. "What with candy bars and other junk just   
  
lying around. Any ideas on what to do about that?"  
  
"Spoils of war!" claimed Jane, grabbing an armload of candy bars.  
  
"And what do we do with the bears?" asked Trent.  
  
"Professor X could handle them." said Scott. "They can have Juggernaut's old room."  
  
"Who's Juggernaut?" asked Trent.  
  
"Long story." Scott replied. "We can call Logan to come pick them up. We might want them   
  
pretty well sedated first."  
  
"Dr. Phillips is cool." said Daria. "He's patched us up several times."  
  
The four mutant bears were loaded on the Tank II and droven to Cedars of Lawndale. Rogue   
  
stood guard over the bears, ready to sap one if it did anything funny. Dr. Phillips met them in   
  
the ER. "Hey, Formidable Four." he said jovially. "And friends." Jean and Scott had accompanied   
  
them. "What seems to be the trouble?"  
  
"Dr. Phillips," said Daria. "We need you to sedate some-uh-captives."  
  
"Care to give me just a little more information?"  
  
"You might need to come out to the van to see this."  
  
Dr. Phillips went outside with them. Trent opened the back door of the van. He was surprised   
  
to see four hogtied creatures that looked like anthropomorphic bears. He also noticed they were   
  
being guarded by a furry blue being with a tail and a goth girl with a white stripe in her hair.  
  
"OK, this-this is, unusual."  
  
"Should we see a veteranarian instead?" asked Daria.  
  
"No, no, wait here. I'll get the sedative." He left and returned with gloved hands, a bag   
  
of disposable syringes and a vial of sedative. He started on Pain Bear. *NO!* the psychic voice   
  
shouted. *Get away from me, white coat!* Dr. Phillips suddenly felt like he was sitting on a   
  
thousand burning needles.  
  
"Bad bear," said Trent, giving Pain Bear a slap on the nose. "No treat for you!"  
  
Dr. Phillips sedated the bears. "They'll be under for twelve hours." he said, whipping off   
  
the now hair covered gloves. "Now, anyone need any patching up?"  
  
"One of them bit Trent." said Daria.  
  
Dr. Phillips had a look at Trent's hand. "Looks like it broke the skin. Have one of the nurses   
  
disinfect it and wait in my office. I'll be around in a while to give you a rabies vaccine." Trent   
  
groaned. He usually didn't have a problem with needles, but after the day he had, he could've done   
  
without it. Dr. Phillips noticed Rogue's arm. "Looks like Daria's field dressing." he said admiringly.   
  
"Nice work, but let me have a look at it." He started to untie the fabric keeping the gauze on.  
  
"No! Don't touch me!" Rogue recoiled.  
  
"Calm, down," Dr. Phillips said soothingly. "I just want to-" His fingers touched her skin.   
  
He fell unconscous.  
  
"Dammit! I tried to warn him!" said Rogue. She looked at her half-clotted wound. "This is   
  
gonna need stitches."  
  
"Wait," said Daria. "I thought it wasn't all that bad." Kurt looked the other way and whistled   
  
tunelessly. Rogue looked embarassed.  
  
"I-um-hypnotized you. It's one of Doom Bear's powers. Are you mad at me?"  
  
"A little." Daria admitted.  
  
"But you understand why I did it, right?" Rogue thought of the friend she thought she made   
  
earlier that year, who turned out to be Mystique in disguise. Was she going to loose another friend   
  
so soon?  
  
"I guess." Daria sighed. "You might wanna go get your stitches now."  
  
"Hell, I could stitch myself up and give Trent his rabies shot. For the next hour, I'll   
  
know everything a liscensed physician knows." She left the van. "See y'all later."  
  
Scott called Logan from a pay phone and filled him in. Logan told him to wait by Ticketmaster,   
  
he'd be there in a couple of hours. Logan didn't say much when he came for the bears. He noticed Rogue's   
  
stitches. "Whaja do to your arm, darlin'?" he asked.  
  
"One of the bears clawed me." she responded.  
  
"Gonna leave a scar." Logan said matter-of-factly. "'Less you wanna borrow my healin' powers."  
  
"Maybe when I get home. I've absorbed enough people today."  
  
When they got back to Casa Lane, Amanda was making dinner. "I hope you kids like fajitas."   
  
she said. "Did you have fun crimefighting?"  
  
"Fun?" said Daria. "Fun!"  
  
"We had a great time, Mom." said Trent, taking a fajita.  
  
After dinner they watched some movies, trying to put the ordeal behind them. They turned   
  
in relativly early.  
  
"How's your arm?" Daria asked Trent as they got ready for bed.  
  
"A little sore." he answered. "No worse than getting a tattoo. I should be glad this isn't   
  
back in the old days when they gave you rabies shots in the stomache. I was a little antsy about   
  
having Rogue do it, but she sewed herself up pretty good." He got in bed with her.  
  
"Trent, Doom Bear made me think Lawndale had been bombed. You-you died in my arms."  
  
"Not a bad way to go." Trent secretly hoped that when his time came, that it would be in   
  
Daria's arms.  
  
"You were covered in radiation burns. Everyone was dead or dying."  
  
"It was all an illusion, Daria. I'm here now." He kissed her and held her close.  
  
Downstairs, Rogue lay on the sofa bed, unable to sleep. Kurt had the light on, reading more   
  
of /Meister der te Ringe/. "Kurt, turn off the light." she mumbled.  
  
"In a bit." He tried to read more, but couldn't concentrate. Flashes of Fear Bear's hallucination   
  
kept slipping into his mind. "Wish I had a Lindt bar right now." he said idley. "I could use an endorphin   
  
rush."  
  
"What's a Lindt bar?"  
  
"Chocolate brand. Available only in Europe."  
  
"Here," Rogue gave him one of the candy bars Jane left on the coffe table. "It's a Watchamacallit."  
  
Kurt made a face. "No offence, but after you've had German chocolate, American chocolate tastes like wax."  
  
"Yer not goin' for taste, yer goin' for endorphins." He took it.  
  
"I've got a private stash hidden under my bed back at the mansion." he said, taking a small bite. "I'll   
  
share them with you every once in a while, if you don't tell anyone."  
  
"Y'know, normal boys hide issues of /Spank/ under their beds, not chocolate."  
  
"I got a couple of those too." he shrugged.  
  
Later that night, Jane woke up abruptly. Jesse was thrashing next to her. She tried to wake   
  
him up. He gave out a yell. He was covered in a cold sweat. He panted as he tried to tell himself   
  
it had only been a nightmare. "Do you want to talk about it?" Jane asked.  
  
"I, I u-usually d-d-don't remember my n-nightmares." Oh no, he thought. I'm stuttering again.  
  
Jane put her arms around him. "It's OK," she whispered. "It's over now."  
  
"I used to have horrible nightmares all the time." he whispered. "They went away after I became   
  
Hercules. I had a few not long after we went on /Slashers/. In the only nightmare I remember, QB Doom   
  
didn't just strip you topless, he slit your throat like he threatened. Jane, if that really happened,   
  
I-I don't think I'd want to go on."  
  
"Jesse, if-God forbid-anything does happen to me, I want you to go on. I love you."  
  
"Janey," he whispered, pulling her closer to him.  
  
Jean woke up with a small scream. "What is it, Jean?" asked Scott.  
  
"It's Jesse, he had a nightmare."  
  
"After today, I'm guessing a lot of us are gonna have nightmares."  
  
"Jesse and I are going to be mind-linked for a day or so." Jean trembled with a fear that   
  
wasn't hers.  
  
"Jean," Scott stroked her long red tresses. "Pain Bear made me think I was in a torture   
  
chamber. After nearly having my arms ripped out and being burned with a hot poker, I had to choose   
  
whether you, Alex, or my parents-miraculously alive-would be hung."  
  
"Who did you choose?"  
  
"No one. I couldn't choose. It was mental torture combined with physical. I would rather   
  
die than make such a choice." Jean embraced him. "Should we-uh-see if Jesse's alright?"  
  
"He's fine. Jane's with him." Her green eyes flashed and went wide. "Oh yeah, she's definatly   
  
with him." She blushed at the vicarious sensations she was picking up. Scott placed his mouth on   
  
hers. The sensations were no longer vicarious.  
  
By the time it was time for the 3 Doors Down concert, the young crimefighters were ready   
  
for some fun to help them forget what they had been through. During the opening number, Jesse   
  
offered to let Jane sit on his shoulders. "Hey, Daria," said Trent. "You wanna sit on my shoulders?   
  
You'll get a better view."  
  
"I don't wanna put you out." she said. Actually, I don't wanna put your back out.  
  
"You're not heavy." said Trent. "And I'll put you down after this song."  
  
"You have to see this, Daria!" Jane said from her perch. "Brad is just gorgeous!"  
  
"If you're gonna be like that," said Jesse. "I'm putting you down."  
  
"He's not as good looking as you, Jess." she said, toying with his hair.  
  
Daria agreed to sit on Trent's shoulders. She was glad she had turned in the skirt for   
  
jeans long ago. "Well," said Scott. "When in Lawndale, do as the Lawndalians do!" He hoisted   
  
Jean onto his shoulders. She used her TK to make herself lighter for him. Kurt looked at Rogue   
  
and opened his mouth.  
  
"No way, uh-uh, ferget it." she said. "I do not wanna sit on yer scrawny shoulders."  
  
"I wasn't going to ask you to." he said. He dissapeared in a puff of smoke and reappeared   
  
sitting on Rogue's shoulders. "This is fun! Ooh, Brad /is/ good looking!"  
  
"Get offa me you little-!"  
  
"Hey Daria," said Trent. "I hear Brad's girlfriend personally pierced his navel. Would you-"   
  
She bapped him on the nose. "Never mind."  
  
The three couples slow danced to "So I Need You." while Kurt teased Rogue with a glow-in-the-dark   
  
necklace. Before long the crowd was calling for "Kryptonite". The band obliged.  
  
I took a walk around the world to  
  
ease my troubled mind  
  
I left my body laying somewhere  
  
in the sands of time  
  
I watched the world float to the  
  
dark side of the moon  
  
I feel there's nothing I can do, yeah.  
  
"Well," said Scott, "Even with the Terror Bears, this has still been a good weekend. You   
  
guys should come visit us at the X Mansion some time."  
  
"Sounds like a plan." Trent said as he coaxed Daria into dancing with him. Kurt pogoed in   
  
place and eventually got Rogue to join in.  
  
I watched the world float to the   
  
dark side of the moon  
  
After all I knew it had to be something  
  
to do with you  
  
I really don't mind what happens now and then  
  
As long as you'll be my friend at the end  
  
IN THE NEXT ISSUE OF THE FORMIDABLE FOUR:  
  
Look, gang! It's Don Knotts! (Just kidding! It's still in progress.)  
  
(A/N) The Terror Bears belong to Eastman and Laird. (Yes, the same guys who brought you the Teenage  
  
Mutant Ninja Turtles.) I saw their stats in a role playing book and thought they'd make interesting  
  
psycholgical villains. X Evolution belongs to Marvel and WB.   
  
German translations are as follows:  
  
Ja = Yes  
  
Mein Gott = My God  
  
Gott en Himmel = God in Heaven  
  
Sohn du eine Luder = son of a bitch  
  
Schiesse = shit  
  
Schwine = pig (Used as a general term of abuse) 


	14. Night of the Living Dumb

Formidable Four: Night of the Living Dumb  
  
"You must give up on her, my liege." Amphetrite said to the moping sea king. "The homely   
  
Drylander cannot appreciate your greatness as I can."  
  
"Huh?" Nautilus, nee Charles Ruttheimer, barely heard what the mermaid said. He was gazing  
  
fondly at a green jacket, now deteriorated by sea water.  
  
"Nautilus, you need a royal consort. Plus, you've mourned so much for a Drylander you can't  
  
have that you've barely touched any of us."  
  
"I had a three-way with the twins last night!" he lied. "I'm only one man!"  
  
"And there are 12 of us, and not one of us has conceived yet! Do you /want/ your race to die  
  
out?" Amphetrite would not be snapped at, even by her king.  
  
"Amphetrite, I can't help it. I. Want. Her. And as king I should be able to get what I want!"  
  
Amphetrite sighed. "I know of a way you can have her. I'll tell you on one condition."  
  
"You would bargain with your king?"  
  
"Hear me out, Lord Nautilus. I want to be your queen. Dazia, or whatever her name is, can be  
  
a concubine for whatever pleasures you desire, but if I help you get her, I must be declared queen."  
  
Nautilus thought for a moment. "Very well, Amphetrite. I'd rather have Daria as a concubine   
  
than not at all. What must I do?"  
  
"Come with me."  
  
Amphetrite led Nautilus to a sea bed. There were no plants, no coral, even the fish seemed to  
  
avoid the area. A desolate plane of mud stretched out. "This," said Amphetrite. "Is the final resting  
  
place of the Haagendaaz, the race that all but destroyed the merpeople. A spell was placed on the   
  
dead bodies. They could be risen and controlled only by a descendant of the royal family." She placed  
  
a conch shell in his hands. "Blow three blasts on this, and they will rise to do your bidding."  
  
Nautilus put the conch to his lips and blew three blasts. He was starting to think Amphetrite  
  
was teasing him when the sea bed began to tremble. A black, bony arm emerged from the mud.  
  
Meanwhile, half of Lawndale was at the beach. A solar eclipse was coming and the beach would  
  
be one good place to watch it from. The Formidable Four was among them. Local teens had brought a  
  
radio and started an impromptu dance party. Jane grabbed Jesse's hand and conjoled him into dancing  
  
with her. Daria was content to read the tabloid she picked up when they stopped at the Gas&Gulp  
  
for sunscreen. Trent was stretched out nearby, fast asleep. Daria toyed with the idea of flipping   
  
him over so he could get a tan on his back too. A child interrupted her Trent as a pancake fantasy.  
  
"Hey, lady, can me an' my sister bury your boyfriend in the sand?"  
  
"Uh, sure, go ahead."  
  
Jane and Jesse had just finished dancing when a slip of a girl in a turquoise bikini came  
  
running up to them. "Jesse!" she cried out.  
  
"Hey, Astrid." He picked her up. "How's things?"  
  
"I'm startin' Junior High after the summer. I'm gonna ask Mom if I can take chorus."  
  
"Hey, Astrid, what're you doing with my fiance?" Jane asked jokingly.  
  
"Oh, yeah," said Astrid. "I read in the paper that you got engaged." She hugged Jesse's neck.  
  
"I'm happy for you."  
  
"Astrid!" a woman's voice called.  
  
"That's my mom." Astrid sighed. "She thinks I'm gonna fall apart if I leave her sight for  
  
a minute."  
  
"You'd better go to her." Jesse put her down. Astrid ran to her mother. "She's looking good."  
  
he commented.  
  
"She's twelve!" Jane swatted him on the arm.  
  
"I meant she looks better than when I first saw her. She was all skinny and sick looking.  
  
She looks healthier."  
  
Trent snoozed as the kids covered him in sand. Daria read an interview Sick Sad World did with  
  
some guy called Sabertooth. "Hey, Daria." she heard someone say.   
  
Daria looked up and saw Andrea, huddled under a beach umbrella, wearing her usual goth attire.  
  
"Hi, Andrea." she said.  
  
"I hate the beach." Andrea growled. "Too much sun."  
  
"Well, there's a solar eclipse today. That should help things."  
  
Andrea was quiet for a while. "Daria," she finally said. "What do you think would be the  
  
worst way to die?"  
  
"Death by boredom comes to mind."  
  
"For me, it would be a bunch of old, greasy men crawling all over me untill I drowned in  
  
their festering ooze."  
  
"To each his own."  
  
Diana Wolfgang was on the beach, looking out of place in her prim suitdress where everyone   
  
else wore a bathing suit. "Alright, Theo," she was saying to her cameraman. "I want you to get a good  
  
shot of everyone's reaction to the solar eclipse."  
  
"Yes, Ms Wolfgang."  
  
"You've brought the infrared camera, right? As soon as the eclipse starts we could be without  
  
natural light for hours."  
  
"Yes, Ms Wolfgang."  
  
"Don't forget to get my good side." She took out a compact and did some last minute primping.  
  
She noticed someone. "Do my eyes deceive me or is that Phantom of the Formidable Four?"  
  
"Yes, Ms Wolfgang."  
  
A shadow fell over the page Daria was reading. "Phantom," said Ms Wolfgang. "Are you here  
  
to witness the eclipse?"  
  
"No comment." Daria went invisible.  
  
Ms Wolfgang noticed Trent's head poking out of the sand. She nudged him. "Sir Stretchalot,  
  
do you care to comment?"  
  
Trent snorted. "Huh? I don't wanna go to school, Mom." He went back to sleep.  
  
Ms Wolfgang saw Jane and Jesse approaching and went to pester them. "Here's Flamin' Jane   
  
and Hercules, ladies and genlemen." she said to the camera. "Their engagement announcment was  
  
in the /Lawndale Picaune/ with Phantom and Sir Stretchalot's just last month. Has a date been set?"  
  
She thrust the mike in their direction.  
  
"Well, I wanna finish my senior year first."  
  
"Hercules, how does it feel to be engaged to a younger woman?"  
  
"Um, uh..." The camera always made him nervous.  
  
"Just say no comment." Jane whispered.  
  
"Uh, no comment." said Jesse. Ms Wolfgang skulked away, growling.  
  
"So," said Jane, as Daria reappeared. "How's Danny doing at computer camp?"  
  
"He sent me an E-card last night. He says he's having fun, making new friends and stuff."  
  
"What do they do for arts and crafts at computer camp?" Jane asked. "Macrame mouse pads?"  
  
"You can do art on the computer." said Jesse. "Photo-shop, paint-shop. You can even scan  
  
images into a computer."  
  
"I don't know." said Jane. "Computer art just seems..soulless." They sat down.  
  
"I tried this thing called photo-explosion. Pretty cool. It's sort of a high-tech version  
  
of Color-Forms."  
  
"The eclipse is starting!" Daria got a piece of smoked glass out of the basket. Jesse tried  
  
to wake up Trent. He just mumbled something about gumdrops and went back to sleep. The sky grew  
  
dark. Jane flamed on to provide light. Everyone oohed and aahed as a black disc blocked out the  
  
sun. All became quiet and still. Only Jane's flames provided any light. The sea was ink black. The  
  
sky was black as a moonless, starless night sky. Jane decided to fly up a bit to get a better view.  
  
Her flames caused an orange-yellow sparkle on the dark sea. She saw a fin emerge from the water.  
  
"Sharks!" She yelled out. Everyone moved further back from the ocean. No one panicked because  
  
no one was out in the water. Swimming in pitch darkness would've been foolish. More fins popped  
  
up. It seemed a whole school of sharks were headed for the shore. Jane trailed them. Don't worry,  
  
she told herself. They're sharks. They can't get out of the water. As long as everyone stays on the  
  
beach, everyone will be fine. Then she saw It.  
  
It had the face of a lamprey eel, a maw full of sharp fangs and a fin on each side of its  
  
jaw. The eyes were blank. More of It emerged from the water. Its greenish-black scaly hide was   
  
rotting in places. The sinews of Its long arms were exposed. Its webbed hands ended in fierce   
  
claws. It had tattered fins on Its back. It was riding one of the sharks. The scariest thing  
  
about the leviathan was that more like It were emerging from the sea. Many were armed with tridents  
  
and serated spears.  
  
"Holy crap!" Someone yelled. "What is that thing?"  
  
"It's a monster!"  
  
"Run!!!"  
  
"There's more of them!"  
  
"They're coming right for us!"  
  
"Keep the camera rolling, Theo!"  
  
"Yes, Ms Wolfgang."  
  
Jane tried to hold them off with her fire. One would catch ablaze, fall in the water with a   
  
hiss and, to Jane's horror, emerge. Chunks of flesh would be obviously scortched away, but the  
  
monsters seemed not to notice. They stank of rotten fish. Some had black bones exposed, so decayed  
  
they were. The beach goers ran for their lives.  
  
Jesse grabbed an armload of kids and ran for higher ground. Daria raised an invisible wall to  
  
stop the horde that was now setting their huge webbed feet on land. They bumped into it, only to   
  
walk right back into it stupidly. Jane picked off a few of the monsters that had come on land. They  
  
would blaze, make a screaming noise, flail around a bit and fell. The other monsters took no notice  
  
when this happened.  
  
Trent was having that dream again. Lita was giving him a back rub while Joan did his feet.  
  
Then Daria entered the boudoir. She wore only a sheer black baby-doll nighty. She had a jar of  
  
peanut butter in one hand and an eggbeater in the other. She smiled seductivly and gently  
  
whispered "TRENT, WAKE UP, YOU LAZY IDIOT!"  
  
Trent shouted as he started awake, sand floundering about. How did it get so dark? Oh yeah,  
  
that eclipse thingy. Musta slept through it. How did he get covered in sand? "Trent," Daria gasped.  
  
"Some monsters are attacking the beach. We gotta do something."  
  
"Please tell me this is another dream." Trent moaned.  
  
Jesse returned to the beach. The creatures were wadling up on the shore. A handful had bypassed  
  
Daria's shield. One was shambling over to a prone figure on the sand. It was Astrid. She had fainted   
  
in the confusion. Jesse ran to her at top speed and scooped her up. He felt the thing's claws   
  
slash across his bare back. Still he kept running.  
  
Nautilus arose from the sea, Amphetrite at his side. He was shocked to see his warriors   
  
continuously run into an invisible wall. "What the Hell's wrong with them!?" he demanded.  
  
"The Haagendaaz are but zombie slaves to you, my lord." said Amphetrite. "You must command  
  
them. They cannot think for themselves."  
  
"Very well." He rode a wave to the shore. "You there!" He pointed at a group of Haagendaaz  
  
with his conch. "Line up there." He pointed to where he guessed the edge of the wall to be. "And  
  
you!" He pointed his trident at another group. "Get on their shoulders and climb over the wall."  
  
Daria had been concentrating on making her wall longer to keep the creatures from getting  
  
around it, and sweating from the effort. Then she saw Nautilus appear and start giving commands.  
  
The creatures were now working together to scale the wall. Daria concentrated on making it taller.  
  
"Daria, you're just going to exhaust yourself." said Trent.  
  
"Gotta...keep...away..." she grunted.  
  
"We're outnumbered." he said. "Maybe we oughta run now and regroup later."  
  
Jane was picking the shambling zombies off one by one with her fire. It seemed for every one  
  
she took out, three would come to take its place. A huge jet of sea water doused her flames, causing  
  
her to fall out of the air. Fortunatly, she was not up very high and the sand was soft. Unfortunatly,  
  
she landed at the feet of Nautilus.  
  
"Ah, Miss Lane." said Nautilus. "A fine adition to my harem."  
  
"Dream on, Nausious!" said Jane, hurling a fireball at him. Nautilus doused it with a wavelet.  
  
"Tut, tut," he chided. "You know what water does to fire. Now, come along like a good little  
  
love slave."  
  
"My liege, I protest!" said Amphetrite. "One Drylander is plenty for your harem. You can have  
  
her or the one with the bad eyes but not both!"  
  
"Oh, alright. I'll just kill her then." He raised his trident to stab her. Jane cringed in  
  
terror. Nautilus found his trident turned aside. Daria had put an inviso-shield over her friend.  
  
"Get away from her!" Trent demanded. He and Daria approached Nautilus.   
  
"Ah, Daria, my queen," Nautilus sighed. "Coming to me, and properly dressed." She was wearing  
  
a lime green and black bathing suit with a zipper on the front.   
  
"Alright, now I'm mad." Trent flexed his fingers. "Bring it on, Chicken of the Sea!"  
  
"Braaaaaaaaaains!" growled one of the Haagendaaz, trying to sink its teeth into Trent's skull.  
  
Only his rubber skin kept him from becoming fish food.   
  
"So the Haagendaaz eat brains?" Nautilus asked.  
  
"They do if they're zombies." Amphetrite replied.  
  
Daria grabbed Nautilus' trident away from him and fought the Monster that was attacking her  
  
beloved. Being stabbed didn't seem to faze it. Jane crept under the shield and hit the monster with  
  
a jet of flame. It howled, released Trent, floundered about and fell into the shallows, a smoking  
  
black skeleton.  
  
"Give me that!" Nautilus snatched back his trident. "Daria, let's make this quick."  
  
"I'm not going to be your queen." she stated.   
  
"Oh, you've blown that chance, baby! But because you're such an exquisite gem, I'll allow   
  
you to be my concubine."  
  
"Back off, pal." said Trent. "We're engaged."  
  
"Look," Nautilus said, impatient and angry. "I want Daria and that's final." He turned to her.  
  
"Do you realize what your rejection has done to me? I have a duty to repopulate the merpeople race  
  
and because of you I can't!"  
  
"Oh, I get it." Trent smirked. "You're little minnow won't go upstream."  
  
"It's called Viagra." said Jane. "Look into it."  
  
"The hell with this." Nautilus blew on his conch. The zombies surrounded them and started to   
  
draw in closer. "Think you can take on the entire horde?"  
  
Just then, a white Range Rover broke through the ranks, flattening all the Haagendaaz that  
  
got in its way. The glare from the headlights caused some of them to hiss and turn away in pain.   
  
The passenger door opened. "Get in the truck, let's go!" Jesse said urgently. His teammates scrambled   
  
to get in, fighting off zombies while they were at it. Nautilus made a grab to get in. Jane threw   
  
a jet of flame at him, slammed the door, and give him the finger.  
  
Jesse floored the gas pedal. Zombie Haagendaaz threw themselves at the vehicle. Jesse locked  
  
all the doors. The headlights cut through the darkness. Jesse knew driving fast in darkness was  
  
not exactly safe, but neither was hanging around...whatever those things were. "What /are/ those  
  
things?" he asked.  
  
"Nausious said they were Haagendaaz." said Daria. "The mermaid said they were zombies."  
  
Trent noticed a little auburn haired girl in a turquoise bikini curled up in the backseat.  
  
"Who's this?" he asked.  
  
"You remember Astrid, right?" Jesse said. "The girl who named me Hercules. She fainted and  
  
I couldn't find her mom so I'm taking her home with us."  
  
He pulled up to Casa Lane and got out. Now that Jesse was starting to calm down, the adreneline  
  
was subsiding and he felt a stinging pain on his back. He reached behind to touch his back. He felt  
  
the warm, sticky substance. He saw his blood stained fingers and fainted.  
  
"Oh, no!" Trent stretched out his arms to catch him. "You can't do that. Jane, help me get   
  
him in. Daria, can you get Astrid?"   
  
Daria hefted the younger girl in a fireman's carry. She wasn't very heavy, scarcely 100 pounds.  
  
Jane and Trent layed Jesse face down on the sofa. Daria laid Astrid in the recliner.   
  
"I'll get the med kit." said Jane.  
  
"I'll get a washcloth." said Daria.  
  
"I'll get us some clothes." said Trent. "I don't know about you, but I don't wanna hide from  
  
zombies wearing just trunks."  
  
Daria treated Jesse's wounds. "It's not as bad as it looks." she said, applying the compress.  
  
The cuts are long, but not deep. He won't need stitches, but I'm worried about infection. Those  
  
things did't look sanitary." She applied antiseptic. Jane held down the gauze as Daria taped it down.  
  
Trent had changed from his blue swim trunks to his usual T shirt and jeans. Astrid was  
  
coming to. "W-where am I?" she asked.  
  
"You're safe." Trent took the rag off her forehead. "My name's Trent. You're Astrid, right?"  
  
She smiled at him. "Sir Stretchalot! I've been keeping up with you guys in the paper. Jesse,  
  
Hercules, is he OK?"  
  
"He got hurt, but Daria and Jane are taking care of him."  
  
"Can-can I have something to eat, please? Fainting makes me hungry."  
  
"What would you like?"  
  
"I usually eat something with iron. Apricots, sunflower seeds, dry cereal..."  
  
"We have some corn flakes. Will that do?"  
  
"OK. You don't have to put milk on it or anything, I like to eat it dry."  
  
"When you're feeling better, Astrid." said Jane. "You can put on some of my things..unless  
  
you really wanna run around in a bikini all day."  
  
Trent gave her the cereal. "Thanks." she said. She ate a handful. "What were those things?"  
  
"Zombies." said Daria. "And not human zombies. They were some kind of creature called the  
  
Haagendaaz."  
  
Jesse groaned. "Jane..."  
  
"I'm here, Jesse." He tried to sit up. "Be careful, we don't want to open your wounds."  
  
"Jesse?" said Astrid.  
  
Jesse managed to smile a little. "Hey, Astrid. You OK?"  
  
"Just hungry." She offered him some cereal.  
  
"Thanks." He ate a handful of cornflakes. "I think you should call your mom, tell her you're OK."  
  
"So, now what do we do?" asked Jane. "We can't hide here all day-night-whatever."  
  
"It's a solar eclipse." said Daria. "It's technically still day."  
  
"I'm /fine/, Mom." Astrid was saying. "Yes, I've eaten. Mom, just don't worry, OK? I'm with   
  
the good guys."  
  
"C'mon, Astrid." said Jane. "I'll get you something to put on." Jane took Astrid to her room.  
  
Jane changed into a tank top and jogging shorts. She gave Astrid a tie-dyed T shirt and a pair of  
  
cutt-offs. Astrid's tiny frame was buried in the T shirt.   
  
"Jane, do you have a belt?" she asked. "These shorts are kinda loose on me."  
  
Jane strifled a growl. Those shorts were usually a bit tight on her.   
  
"Is this where you guys live?" Astrid asked.  
  
"Trent and I live here." said Jane. "Jesse and Daria live in other houses with their families,  
  
but they come over so often they practically live here. Our parents went to a friend's barbeque to  
  
see the eclipse. Hope they're OK."  
  
When they came back downstairs Daria had changed into her usual black T shirt and jeans.   
  
Jesse was wearing jeans and had on an unbuttoned tropical print shirt. Just then, a black scaly   
  
fist shattered the front window. Astrid screamed. The undead Haagendaaz were trying to break the door  
  
down. A couple tried to squeeze through the window, unmindful of the broken glass. Everyone ran for   
  
the kitchen door. One of them managed to creep in. Daria screamed as it grabbed her in its long  
  
mildewing arms.  
  
"Let go!" Trent yelled as he threw a vase at the zombie. It didn't even seem to notice the  
  
impact as it carried a flailing Daria away. Jane prepared a fireball to save her friend. At the   
  
first blaze of fire, it hissed and covered its eyes, dropping Daria.  
  
Jane let her fire disapperate and grabbed Daria. They all crammed into the Range Rover. Once  
  
more, the Haagendaaz tried to attack the vehicle. The ones caught in headlights covered their eyes  
  
and hissed violently, only to become roadkill. One managed to jump on the hood and attacked the   
  
windshield with a serated spear. Not knowing what else to do, Jesse turned on the whipers. This   
  
knocked the spear from the creature's hands. Angrily, the zombie began to beat on the glass with its  
  
fists. Jesse swerved the vehicle hard left, then right. He zig-zagged all over the road untill   
  
the monster fell off. "So much for my insurance premium." he quipped as he sped to his house.  
  
Meanwhile, at the Morgendorfer house, the Fashion Club was having a meeting. Quinn brought  
  
them to order. "The Fashion Club will now discuss what the solar eclipse means to them."  
  
"But, Quinn," said Brooke. "I thought, like, only science geeks like eclipses and stuff."  
  
"Brooke, a solar eclipse means no sun. No sun means you don't have to check if your make-up  
  
has SPF in it. You don't get freckles, unfortunatly, you don't tan either."  
  
"Wrinkles. Eew." Tiffany observed.  
  
"I hear sunshine is, like, good for clearing up zits and stuff." said Stacy.  
  
"And how would you know about zits, Stacy?" Quinn asked dangerously.  
  
"Um, its just something I overheard this pimple faced geek say once. Not that I was really   
  
listening! You know I've never had zits, Quinn! I won't even look at a person who has them!"  
  
"Need I remind you, Stacy, that acne is grounds for expulsion from the Fashion Club."   
  
"Please, Quinn, I swear, I do not have nor have I ever had a pimple!"  
  
"See that it stays that way." There was a heavy knock at the door. Quinn answered it.  
  
"Braaaaaaaaaaaaains." drawled the slimy, festering monster.  
  
"Daria, it's for you." Quinn called up the stairs.  
  
"Didn't your sis-uh-cousin go to the beach to watch the eclipse?" asked Stacy.  
  
"Braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains!" The zombie shambled in. The girls screamed and ran from the monstrosity.  
  
"Hold on, buddy!" said Quinn. "You can't just barge into people's houses demanding brains.  
  
And would you mind not leaking on the carpet?"  
  
The zombie sniffed Quinn. "Moooorrrr-doooorrr-ferrrrr." it growled. It slung Quinn over its  
  
shoulder and walked away.  
  
"Eeeeeeek!!!!" Quinn shrieked and kicked her legs like any proper maiden in distress.  
  
Jesse drove to his house. Everyone ran inside. Luis Moreno looked up from his paper. "How  
  
was the eclipse?" he asked.  
  
"Papa," Jesse gasped. "Lock all the doors and windows. There's zombies on the loose."  
  
"You mean like in the movies?"  
  
"No time to explain." Luis shrugged and started locking up the house, mumbling in Spanish  
  
the whole way.  
  
Astrid started to cry. Jesse sat her down on the couch. "Astrid, don't cry." he begged.   
  
"Everything's gonna be OK." Astrid still whimpered with fear. "Hold on, I'll be right back." He  
  
went up to his room.  
  
"I can't believe he said that." said Jane.  
  
"What?" said Daria. "'I'll be right back?'"  
  
"When people say that in horror movies, they NEVER come back!"  
  
"This isn't a horror movie, Jane! This is a fanfic!"  
  
"A what?"  
  
"Nevermind."  
  
Jesse came back with something small and furry in his hands. He showed it to Astrid. She   
  
whiped her tears away to look at it. "Is that a mouse?" she asked.  
  
"Hamster." he corrected. "Her name's Nibbles. Would you like to hold her?"  
  
"OK." Astrid held Nibbles and petted her.   
  
"Everyone," Trent called from the den. "I found something."  
  
The remainder of the Formidable Four met in the den. Trent showed them a book he found.  
  
/The Zombie Survival Guide/ by Max Brooks. Jesse shook his head. "It's just something Danny uses  
  
for his role playing games."  
  
"It's all we got to go on." Daria shrugged, taking the book."  
  
"Does it say anything about fire?" Jane asked.  
  
Daria scanned the contents and turned to page 51. "According to this, the living dead have  
  
no fear of fire. But complete incineration is the best way to destroy one."  
  
"They seemed pretty freaked by my fire." said Jane.  
  
"Wait a minute," said Trent. "They also didn't like the glare from the headlights. Maybe   
  
they just don't like bright lights."  
  
"I've kinda flipped through that book myself." said Jesse. "It assumes all zombies are   
  
human. Those things never were human."  
  
"So," said Jane. "We just wait until the eclipse is over. The sun comes out and they melt  
  
away like gremlins."  
  
"Um, I read about the eclipse in this morning's paper." said Daria. "The sun and moon will  
  
be aligned untill 8 PM. By then, it will be nighttime until sunrise. By then, we'll all be brain  
  
kebobs."  
  
"Start reading that guide, Daria." said Jane.  
  
Daria looked at the back cover. "Ok, here's the top ten lessons for surviving a zombie attack.  
  
One, organize before they rise."  
  
"Done." said Trent.   
  
"Two," read Daria. "They feel no fear, why should you?"  
  
"Hey, Jess," said Jane. "Got any more fuzzy things to pet?" Jesse shook his head and started  
  
thumbing through Danny's role playing books. Maybe there was something they could use.   
  
"Three, Use your head, cut off theirs. Four, Blades don't need reloading."  
  
"I'll ask Senor Moreno if he's got anything like that." Jane left.  
  
"Five, Daria continued to read. Ideal protection equals tight clothes, short hair."  
  
Jesse shrugged out of his shirt. "I'm not about to get another hack job." He opened a drawer  
  
and pulled out two hair ties. He tossed one to Daria and used the other to tie up his hair.  
  
Daria handed the book to Trent. As she tied up her hair, Trent read. "Six, get up the staircase,  
  
then destroy it."  
  
"We can't hide from the zombies." said Jesse. "We have to destroy them before they kill someone."  
  
"Seven, Get out of the car, get onto the bike."  
  
"Sure." said Daria. "The four of us will just pile up on a twin speed Schwin and plow through."  
  
"Eight, Keep moving, keep low, keep quiet, keep alert. Nine, no place is safe, only safer.  
  
Ten, The zombie may be gone, but the threat lives on."  
  
"Everyone," said Jane. "Senor Moreno showed me some stuff in his garage. Let's lock and load."  
  
Meanwhile, the Osaka family was watching the eclipse from their roof-top patio. After watching  
  
the sun slip behind a black disc through smoked glass, the family lit a lantern and had a picnic.  
  
Mima bobbed her head as she listened to the music on her CD player. "Are you listening to that  
  
stupid Cham CD again?" Asked Keitaro, her 10 year old brother.  
  
"They're not stupid." said Mima. "They play really catchy dance music. And do you know how  
  
hard it is to get a Cham CD in the States? I had to order this on the internet!"  
  
"You only like them 'cuz one of the singers has the same name as you."  
  
"Hey, you don't tease me about Cham, I won't tease you about Dragonball Z."  
  
Let's eat now, children. Hoshiko said in Japanese, handing out sandwiches and mochi balls.  
  
Kenji paused in midbite when he saw a strange being wandering below. It shambled about. Kenji  
  
at first thought it to be just some drunk. Then the streetlamp kicked on. The being hissed as it was  
  
bathed in white light. Kenji saw the flash of claws and hideous jaws before it retreated to the  
  
shadows. "Nani?" he gasped.  
  
"What is it, Oto-chan?" asked Mima.  
  
I saw something down there. Kenji replied in Japanese. Hoshiko-chan, the lantern.  
  
Hoshiko gave her husband the lantern. Kenji saw more of the shambling beasts. The family   
  
squinted in the dark, trying to see who-or what-was on the street below.  
  
I see them! Hoshiko gasped. Even in dim light it was horrible to see. "Yoma!"  
  
They have seaweed draped on them. said Mima. Are they kappa?   
  
No. said Keitaro. They're oni. Kappa don't have fangs and claws. They have bowls of water  
  
on their heads.  
  
They were stories. Hoshiko shook her head. Just stories.  
  
Hoshiko-chan, take the children to the basement and hide. I will handle this.  
  
"Hai." she sighed.  
  
Assured that his family was safe, Kenji took the sheathed katana and wakizashi from their  
  
place of honor on the mantlepiece. As a practitioner of judo and karate, Kenji perfered unarmed  
  
combat, but he was no fool. He rememberred something his grandfather had once said of these  
  
weapons. He said they belonged to an anscestor who was part of the secret society called "The  
  
Brotherhood of Life". He said their sworn duty was to protect the innocent from undead demons-  
  
generally by lopping off their heads. Kenji had doubts, but never questioned the old man. Perhaps  
  
there was truth to old Oji-chan's tale after all.  
  
"We can't just stay here." said Mima.  
  
If your father says stay, said Hoshiko. Then you must stay.  
  
He can't take those-things all by himself. Mima pulled out of a box something she had been  
  
stowing in the basement. She had been training with them in secret. It seemed now she would use  
  
them for real.  
  
Where did you get those sai? Hoshiko demanded.  
  
"The internet." Mima shrugged.  
  
"You get everything off the internet." said Keitaro.  
  
Oka-chan, can you take care of Keitaro?  
  
Of course I can.  
  
Then I am going.  
  
Mima! You will not stir outside this basement!  
  
Just then, the basement door shattered. One of the zombies fell through. At the sight of   
  
the family, it raised its scaly arms and opened its fanged maw into a hellish moan. Keitaro   
  
screamed and hid behind his mother. Mima thrust the blade of the sai into the creature's brain  
  
pan. It fell dead at her feet. Just as Mima was taking note of how little blood the yoma had,  
  
yet another one had busted down the door and was coming down the steps.  
  
Run, Mima-chan! Hoshiko grabbed the naginata leaning against the wall. I'll take this one!  
  
Mima tucked the sai in her belt, scrambled through the broken basement door and ran across the   
  
yard as her mother fended of the scaly creature.  
  
The Formidable Four went through the Moreno garage. "Hello!" Jane hefted up a chainsaw.   
  
"Any one else seen any of the /Evil Dead/ trilogy?"  
  
"That's not such a good idea, Jane." said Daria, consulting the book. "According to Brooks,  
  
chainsaws are too heavy for effectivness."  
  
"That's what we got Hercules for." Jane gave Jesse the chainsaw. "Knock 'em dead, Ash." she  
  
said, squeezing a rock hard bicep.  
  
"They also need fuel." Daria pointed out.   
  
"This one's full." said Jesse.  
  
"And looky here." Jane picked up a can of gasoline. "Back up for the chainsaw and a little  
  
toy for Flamin' Jane to play with."  
  
"Got any guns, Jesse?" Trent asked.  
  
Jesse shook his head. "We haven't had guns here since..well...you know." He still didn't   
  
like to talk about his brother's suicide.  
  
"They wouldn't do any good anyway." said Daria. "It says here that an effective weapon must  
  
either crush the skull in one blow or decapitate in one blow."  
  
"Hedge trimmers?" Trent considered a pair he found.  
  
"Unweildy."  
  
"Weed eater?"  
  
"Fuel supply problem again."  
  
"Crowbar?"  
  
Daria considered a monent. "Remember to aim for the head. In fact, give me one of those.  
  
And flashlights. We need those too."  
  
Jesse was talking to his father. Papa, he said in Spanish. Gather some food together,  
  
take this flashlight and take Astrid upstairs. Fill the bathtub with water and destroy the staircase.  
  
Destroy the staircase?!  
  
Zombies won't get to you that way. Astrid's anemic, so take some fruit and cereal with   
  
you. I have a bag of sunflower seeds in my room. She can have as many as she wants. Jesse looked   
  
at the chainsaw. Just get up there. I'll take care of the stairs.  
  
Luis gathered some food together in a grocery sack, complaining about his 'hijo loco' the  
  
whole time. Jesse took Astrid aside. "Astrid, this is my dad, Luis Moreno. The two of you will be  
  
safe upstairs. I'm going to use this chainsaw on the stairs so the monsters can't get up to you.  
  
It will be noisy, but I don't want you to be scared, OK?"  
  
"OK." she whimpered.  
  
"Take care of Nibbles for me. If you get scared, just pet her." Astrid gave Jesse a hug.  
  
"Go upstairs now." He said as he hugged her.   
  
The child craddled the hamster in her hands and ran up the stairs. Luis paused with his  
  
bag of food. "Be safe." he said, embracing his son. As soon as they were on the top floor, Jesse  
  
revved up the saw's engine. The roar was deafening in the small room. Wood splintered in all   
  
directions as Jesse made the stairs unusable.  
  
"Let's go kick some zombie tail!" said Jane.   
  
The zombie threw Quinn at Nautilus' feet. "Upchuck!" she screamed. "Eeew!"  
  
"Upchuck is dead!" he said loftily. "Long live King Nautilus the Seventh!"  
  
"Like, whatever!"  
  
"Nautilus," Amphetrite said warningly. "I said you could have ONE Drylander concubine."  
  
"Sorry, kid," Nautilus said to the zombie. "But you've brought me the wrong Morgendorfer  
  
sister. I want Daria as my concubine and only Daria."  
  
"What!" Quinn shrieked. "You want my four-eyed geek of a sis-uh-cousin to be a-a porcupine  
  
or whatever? What's wrong with me!?"  
  
"Braaaains?" the zombie politly asked his master.  
  
"I don't think you deserve it." Nautilus sighed. "But go ahead."  
  
The beast gave out a bloodcurdling scream and grabbed Quinn. It was about to bite through  
  
her skull when it paused and sniffed at her. It gave a moan of disgust and tossed her away.  
  
"What, so I'm not good enough to eat either?" Quinn complained.  
  
"Zombies live on brains." said Amphetrite. "But Haagendaaz always throw the little ones back."  
  
The Formidable Four set out for their zombie hunt. They didn't have to trek very far. It  
  
wasn't long at all before the group found themselves surrounded by a score of drooling beasts.  
  
Their fangs flashed as they waved spears, tridents and taloned webbed hands. Jesse restarted the  
  
chainsaw and shut his eyes tightly. Daria shined her flashlight in one of the monster's eyes.  
  
As it recoiled, Trent smashed its skull in with the crowbar. Jane doused three of them with   
  
gasoline and tossed them a fireball. They were but smoldering skeletons in seconds.   
  
More of them kept coming. Daria trapped some in invisible spheres. Trent took both crowbars  
  
and tested his stretch powers to their limit. Jane kept tossing out the fireballs and had to duck  
  
a wide arc Jesse made with the saw. "Whoa! Watch where you're pointing that thing, Jess!" she said.  
  
He turned off the motor. Jane noticed why he had been so clumsy. "Jesse, maybe it would help if  
  
you opened your eyes."  
  
"There's blood everywhere, isn't there?" he kept his eyes tightly shut.  
  
"Actually, there's hardly any blood at all."  
  
Jesse slowly opened his eyes. The end of his chainsaw was covered in a thick black ooze,  
  
nothing he'd recognize as blood. Just then, he saw one of the zombies come up behind Jane with  
  
a serated spear. Before he could react, A lithe figure somersaulted over the beast's head. When  
  
the person landed, the zombie fell with two deep holes in its cranium.   
  
"May I join your party?" asked Mima.  
  
"The more the merrier." Trent shrugged.  
  
"What are those things?" Daria pointed to Mima's weapons.  
  
"They're called sai. I got them on E-bay some months ago and I've been training with them  
  
ever since. Don't tell my dad. He doesn't believe in using weapons."  
  
Jane picked up the fallen zombie's spear. "Think we could use this?"  
  
Daria shook her head. "Serated edge. It would get stuck in one zombie. And while you're trying  
  
to pull your weapon out, another zombie will be free to eat your brain."  
  
"You know you're enemy." said Mima. "That is good."  
  
"I read a little about Haagendaaz in Danny's books." said Jesse. "They're commonly known as  
  
sea demons. They don't like bright lights and they can only stay on the surface for a little while."  
  
"They're zombies." Daria reminded him. "Human zombies don't need air. Maybe Haagendaaz   
  
zombies don't need water."  
  
"They usually carry spears or tridents and their claws are razor sharp. You can see what   
  
one of them did to me." Jesse showed Mima the dressed wound on his back.  
  
"If they can do that kind of damage to Jesse," said Trent. "They're some bad mothers."  
  
"Brace yourselves, guys." said Daria. "Here comes more of them!"  
  
More zombies closed in on them. They moaned the word "brains" continuously. The roar of   
  
Jesse's chainsaw soon drowned them out. One grabbed Daria from behind and started to walk off with   
  
her. Trent clubbed it on the back of the head with the crowbar. Mima let one get close to her   
  
then stabbed it in the eyesocket, puncturing the brain. "Daria," said Trent. "Maybe you should go  
  
invisible for a while. They keep trying to grab you."  
  
"Too dangerous." said Jane, flaming another zombie. "We might get her by accident if we   
  
can't see her."  
  
"There's too many of them!" Daria was exhausted from trying to put up so many bariers.  
  
"Startegical retreat?" Trent suggested. Everyone agreed. Jesse plowed through the crowd of  
  
zombies with the chainsaw, creating a path for the others. Daria set up an invisible wall to hold  
  
the zombies back for at least a while.  
  
They ran down the street, looking for a possible hide out. They heard battle noises down an   
  
ally way. Daria went invisible and checked it out. She reported back to her friends. "It's Master  
  
Kenji." she said. "He's fighting off zombies with a pair of swords." Mima was the first one down  
  
the ally. Kenji was facing down seven zombies and had decapitated one. Mima and the Formidable   
  
Four made short work of them. "Ah, Formidable Four." he said. "I had a feeling you would be out  
  
here." He glared at Mima. "Mima! I told you to stay home with Keitaro and your mother!"  
  
"Gomen nasai, oto-san." she said with a bow.  
  
"We need to find someplace to hide out for a while." said Daria.  
  
Kenji tried a back door in the ally. "This is unlocked." he said. They all went in and were  
  
suddenly face to face with a screaming maniac wielding an aluminum bat. Daria quickly put up her  
  
shield. The bat bounced off. The attacker grunted in surprise.   
  
Trent recognized their attacker. "Axl?" he asked. "Axl Cunningham, is that you?"  
  
"Trent Lane? Is it you, then?" Axl put aside his bat. "Sorry 'bout that, mate. Thought you  
  
were one o' them zombie blighters. Oh, 'ello, Jesse. Long time no see."  
  
"Hey." he waved at him.  
  
"Everyone," said Trent. "This is Axl Cunningham. Old school friend."  
  
"At yer service." Axl said with a mock bow. "Well, come in and have a cuppa. Mind barring   
  
the door there, love? Don't want no uninvited guests."  
  
They found themselves in the interrior of Axl's Tattoo hut. Axl had some rations stored under  
  
the counter that he was happy to share. "Never know when disaster might strike." he said, pouring  
  
hot water into styrophome cups. "That's why I keep the aluminimum bat where's I can get it." He  
  
put tea bags in the cups and decided to change the subject. "Knew Trent and Jesse when we was   
  
nippers, I did." He said handing the tea around. "Those Maori tats Trent's wearin', my work. Dumb  
  
wanker of an assistant did the anarchy symbol."  
  
Jane looked out the big picture window of Axl's Tattoo Hut. Dega Street was dark and deserted.  
  
She kept a look out for zombies. "I take it you've had to mess with these zombies." she said.  
  
"I saw 'em." said Axl, taking a seat. "Standin' out on the corner, kinder watchin' the eclipse  
  
like 'alf the other people in Lawndale. I was thinkin' o' just closin' up shop and goin' back to  
  
me flat when I heard this bloody awful scream. There's this big stinkin' bugger all covered in  
  
scales, got a girl's 'ead in its great fangy mouth. Well, I already hadta deal with Morlocks.   
  
Ever since then I'd been keepin' rations tucked away here, just in case."  
  
Mima looked at the tattoo designs on the walls of Axl's establishment. "You're not getting  
  
one." Kenji said, as if reading her mind.  
  
"I was thinking a yin yang symbol," she said. "Maybe on my hip."  
  
"Mima-chan, no."  
  
Mima rolled her eyes. She noticed the kanji symbols Axl displayed and burst into a fit of  
  
giggles. "What's so funny?" asked Kenji. He looked at the kanji, blushed and covered his daughter's  
  
eyes. "Don't read that." he admonished.  
  
"'Ere, now," said Axl. "Let us in on the joke."  
  
"Do you know what those kanji symbols mean?" Kenji asked as Mima tried to compose herself.  
  
"The Japanese type designs, you mean? Nope. But, people like gettin' tattoos of 'em."  
  
"This portion," Kenji pointed out. "translates as 'I like to fornicate with pigs'."  
  
"So glad I went with the Maori design." said Trent.  
  
"Yeah." said Daria. "It helps to understand the culture you're ripping off."  
  
"Good one, Daria."   
  
Daria sipped her tea and tried to think. "So, Nauseous is using the undead in an attempt   
  
to bring me to him. What I want to know is /how/ is he controlling the undead Haagendaaz?"  
  
"Wasn't he carrying a shell?" Jane suggested.  
  
"A giant conch shell." said Daria. "That must be the key."   
  
Jesse turned on the TV. "This is Diana Wolfgang of channel 7 News giving an on the spot   
  
report." Ms. Wolfgang was on a dark street where panicked civilians were running from zombies in  
  
the background. "Just moments after the long awaited eclipse, a horde of alledgedly undead creatures  
  
arose from the sea and began laying seige to Lawndale. Is this a sign of the end times? Let's   
  
ask a man on the street." She tried to stop a passerby. "Excuse me, sir..." He ran away screaming.  
  
"And there you have it. The community spirit seems to be one of total panic." She didn't notice  
  
one of the Haagendaaz shambling up behind her. "Residents are advised to stay indoors and.." The  
  
camera panned away sharply. "Theo, where the hell are you going? We're live!"  
  
"Braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains!"  
  
"Well, she's not live anymore." Daria remarked. "We better get going before they contact   
  
the National Guard. Thanks for the tea, Axl."  
  
"Any time, love." he said. "An' if ya ever want somethin' pierced or tattoed, you know who  
  
to come to."  
  
"So, where do we go now?" Trent asked. "Back to the beach?"  
  
"Sounds like a plan." said Daria.  
  
"Bit of a walk from 'ere." Axl tossed Trent his keys. "Parking garage down the road a bit.  
  
Red Grand Prix on level two. Six people might be a bit of a squeeze though."  
  
"Mima and I will stay in town." said Kenji. "We'll try to protect as many people as we can."  
  
"Did you say we?" Mima said with a smile.  
  
"Hai," Kenji sighed. "You have proven yourseslf."  
  
"Thanks, Axl." said Trent. "We'll try and bring it back in one piece."  
  
"Best o' luck, mates."  
  
"Daria-san." said Kenji as they prepared to part ways. "You need a better weapon." He gave  
  
her his wakizashi. "The wakizashi is shorter and lighter than the katana and is mostly used for  
  
defense. But it can do damage as well."  
  
"Thanks, Kenji-sempei."   
  
"You are welcome. Sayonara." He bowed and walked away. Mima gave them a thumbs up and followed  
  
her father.  
  
They were almost at the parking garage when they came across something rather gruesome.  
  
It appeared to be a decapitated corpse. Jesse ran to an ally way and became sick.  
  
"That's Jesse." Jane sighed. "Muscles of iron, heart of gold, and stomache of Kleenex."  
  
"Actually, this /is/ kinda gross." said Trent. "We oughta cover her up or something." The  
  
body seemed to be that of a husky girl dressed in black. Trent took off his shirt for a makeshift  
  
shroud. Daria recognized the departed's jewelry. She felt like she was going to be sick too.  
  
"Oh, God, Jane, that's Andrea! She was at the beach earlier!"  
  
"Damn." was all Jane could say. "Hey, Jess, it's OK. Trent's covered her up."  
  
Jesse rejoined them, shuddering.  
  
"C'mon, guys." said Daria. "Let's do this for Andrea!"  
  
"You know," Jane said as they trecked. "Mom asked me if I wanted to spend this summer at  
  
an artist's retreat. I said 'No Mom, I'd rather stay here with my friends. The Formidable Four  
  
might need Flamin' Jane.' That was before I knew we were going to deal with the aquatic undead!"   
  
They made their way to the parking garage. No sooner had they entered the cavernous structure  
  
they heard it. "Braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiins."  
  
"Again with the brains!" Daria said, wakizashi in her right hand, flashlight in her left.  
  
The Formidable Four got into fighting stance, backs together. Jesse revved up the chainsaw.   
  
"Fireball coming online!" said Jane, her hands glowing red in the dark.   
  
Trent had his crowbars at the ready. "Cue the theme music!" he said. (A/N: The theme music consists  
  
of Splendora singing "la la la la" to the tune of the Batman theme.)  
  
Daria blinded a Haagendaaz zombie with her flashlight and cut off its head. Trent cracked  
  
one's skull and gouged the eyeball of another. Jesse kept his eyes open this time and swiftly   
  
lopped off the heads of advancing zombies. Jane decided that her fire was not something she wanted  
  
to get out of control in a building full of cars, so she used the flames mainly for their blinding  
  
light. As soon as there was a let up in the advance, they ran for the red Grand Prix. More zombies  
  
came out of the woodwork. Trent falshed the highbeams. The zombies hissed in pain. They were soon  
  
little more than speed bumps. "Maybe we should have it washed before we give it back to Axl." Trent  
  
suggested.  
  
"We should have it fumigated." Daria wrinkled her nose. "What's that smell?"  
  
Trent took a few whiffs. "It's not the zombies. They smell like fish. This smells...bad.   
  
Just bad."  
  
"It's coming from the glove box." said Daria. Foolishly, she opened it. "Gaaaaah!!"  
  
"Looks like a kidney pie." said Jesse. "Axl eats them sometimes."  
  
"And it's an antique!" said Jane.  
  
"I think it's achieved sentience." said Daria.  
  
"If it really bugs you," said Trent. "Just throw it out. I don't think Axl was gonna finnish  
  
it anyway."   
  
The red stinkmobile arrived at the beach. A frightened Quinn ran up to them. "Daria, you  
  
gotta help me!" she cried. "Iwaskidnappedbyanuglymonstertriedtoeatmybrainbutitwastoosmall."  
  
"Quinn, calm down." said Daria. "Take a deep breath and tell us what happened."  
  
"OK, the Fashion Club was, like, having a meeting. We were about to make Stacy confess to  
  
being a zithead when this monster came to the door and asked for brains. Naturally, I thought it  
  
was looking for you. Then it totaly just barges in and scares everyone and starts dripping all  
  
over the carpet. Mom and Dad are gonna so freak! Of course I'll tell them it's your fault."  
  
"Of course." Daria glared.  
  
"Anyway, I start laying down the rules when the thing just picked me up and carried me here!  
  
He throws me down before-ugh-Upchuck and this lady who coulda been a fashion model told him he  
  
could only have one porcupine, or something."  
  
"Quinn," Daria sighed. "Are you sure the word she used wasn't 'concubine'?"  
  
"Like, whatever." Quinn rolled her eyes. "Like I waste time learning vocationary words."  
  
"That's 'vocabulary', you dim bulb." Jane growled.  
  
"Did he have a conch shell with him?" asked Trent.  
  
"He had one of those shell thingies you put up to your ear and hear the ocean, if that's  
  
what you mean." Quinn replied. "He and the fashion model were over there, around that dune." she  
  
pointed.  
  
"Quinn, listen." said Daria. "Get in that car. Roll up the windows, lock the doors and hide  
  
under the back seat."  
  
"OK." Quinn took Jesse by the arm and tried to lead him away.  
  
"Uh, I think she meant by yourself." Jesse told her.  
  
"You mean you can lie down in the back of a car by yourself? Never tried that before."  
  
"That was more info than I needed." Daria said after Quinn was hidden.   
  
They saw them. Nautilus was standing in the shallows with the shell under his arm. Amphetrite  
  
stood nearby in her human form, nude but for some strategically placed starfish. The Formidable  
  
Four huddled behind the dune and made their plan.  
  
"OK," Said Trent. "Daria, could you go invisible and sneak up and grab the shell?"  
  
"As dark as it is, definatly."   
  
"I'll cover you." said Jane.  
  
"Hand the conch to me when you get it." said Jesse. "I can break it."  
  
"There's a few zombies still in the area." said Trent. "I'll hold 'em off."  
  
Daria went invisible and approached the pair as quietly as she could. She knew she was leaving  
  
footprints in the sand, but it was so dark that perhaps the enemy wouldn't notice. She stepped into  
  
the shallows, noting that even invisible, she still displaced water. She made her legs glide silently  
  
through the brine. Nautilus was right infront of her. She grasped the shell, easily wresting it  
  
from his weak grasp.  
  
"What!" he cried.  
  
"Yoink!" Daria shouted as she ran through the water. Nautilus watched his source of power  
  
float above a trail of ripples. He ran after it, only to be thwarted by a sheet of flame. He conjured  
  
a wavelet to douse it. He saw the conch being placed in the hands of Hercules.  
  
"Noooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Nautilus screached as Jesse snapped the shell in two.  
  
Trent was fighting back three zombies armed with only a crowbar, a flashlight and his stretching  
  
capabilities. It was right after he heard Nautilus' scream when the zombies suddenly fell to the  
  
sand like marionettes with their strings cut. He left them and ran to the source of the scream.  
  
Nautilus pounded his fists on the beach and wept openly. "Why? Why!" he shouted. "I come so  
  
close to my prize only to have it snatched!"  
  
"Daria is not a prize, Nautilus." Trent said as he approached. "She is a person who has the  
  
right to decide who she loves. Now, go back to the cave you crawled out of and take your surgically  
  
enhanced girlfriend with you."  
  
"Surgically enhanced!" cried Amphetrite. "I'll have you know these are the real thing! Feel  
  
for yourself!" She grabbed Trent's hand and forced him to touch her oversized breasts.  
  
"Let's go, Amphetrite." Nautilus sighed, leading her away. He glared over his shoulder at  
  
his foes. "You haven't seen the last of me!" he vowed before disappearing in an enormous wave.  
  
All that was left to do was clean up the mess. Everyone in Lawndale gathered to see the   
  
bonfire of zombie corpses.   
  
"Smells like a fish fry." Daria commented.  
  
"Hey Daria," Jane said teasingly. "Are you jealous that your boyfriend copped a feel on a  
  
mermaid?"  
  
Jesse went home to check on his dad and Astrid. He climbed the tree to get to his bedroom   
  
window. Luis let him in. Astrid greeted him with a hug. "The zombies are gone now." said Jesse.  
  
"It's safe."  
  
"Good work, mi hijo." Luis patted Jesse on the back. "Now, when are you going to rebuild  
  
my staircase?"  
  
Mima felt she had to warn her father as they returned home. "Some of the zombies broke in."  
  
she said. "I think Oka-chan may have gotten out but..."  
  
"Hosiko-chan!" Kenji yelled as he went inside his house, The fishy smell was rank. "Kei-Kei!"  
  
he called. Where are you?  
  
We're here. Hoshiko stepped out of the basement, Keitaro at her heels. She straightened   
  
her disheveled hair with one hand and bore a gore encrusted naginata in the other. What shall   
  
we do with the bodies in the basement? she asked. Thay smell like rotten fish.  
  
Kenji smiled and shook his head. His dainty, polite, neat to a fault wife had taken down  
  
brain eating zombies. We'll take them out and burn them. he said.  
  
IN THE NEXT ISSUE OF THE FORMIDABLE FOUR:  
  
It's like, a heavy-handed metaphore or something!  
  
The devil made me do it!  
  
How'd you like to see a picture of her naked?  
  
I've done it with Kitty. This may hurt a little.  
  
A/N Sorry for the wait! Writers block combined with projects I had to do for college. The next one  
  
is another X Evolution crossover. I call it "Attack of the 50 Foot Cockroach."  
  
BTW, there really is a book called /The Zombie Survival Guide./ Check it out.  
  
The Haagendaaz are a parody of a D&D race called the Sahaugin. Yes, I know it's a brand of ice cream!  
  
Let's learn Japanese! The katana is a long slightly curved sword. The wakizashi is shorter but  
  
just as deadly. They are often use in combination. Sai are pronged daggers made famous by Electra  
  
and Raphael of TMNT fame. The naginata-also called "cat's claw"-is a pole with a blade on one end.  
  
In mideival Japan, women were often trained in it's use. After all, if the men were out in the fields,  
  
SOMEONE had to be able to protect the children from Mongol hordes.  
  
Nani? = What?  
  
Oto-chan = Dad  
  
Oka-chan = Mom  
  
Yoma = demon/monster  
  
Kappa = Water demon of Japanese mythology.  
  
Oni = A sharp clawed monster of Japanese mythology.  
  
Gomen nasai = Pardon me.  
  
Hai = Yes  
  
Mochi balls are rice cakes. GOOD rice cakes, not the styrofoam crap we Americans eat when we're   
  
dieting. Cham is the music group featured in the movie /Perfect Blue/. It's not your typical  
  
anime movie. But it's really good.  
  
Let's learn Spanish!  
  
hijo loco = crazy son  
  
mi hijo = my son  
  
Let's learn English! (British English)  
  
Cuppa = cup of tea (or other hot beverage)  
  
aluminimum = (pronounced al-yoo-min-ee-mum) aluminum.  
  
love = The British call everyone love, even if they don't know them well.  
  
mate = friend  
  
blighter = contemptable person  
  
bugger = see blighter  
  
nipper = young boy  
  
Axl's back story- Axl's family moved from London to Lawndale when he was 14. Sherman and his friends  
  
made fun of his accent, so naturally he made friends with Trent and Jesse. Axl didn't join Spiral  
  
because he's completly tone deaf.(Insert sarcastic comment here) But he was good at drawing intricate   
  
designs and had a head for business so he opened Axl's Tattoing and Piercing Hut as seen in the ep  
  
"Pierce Me." 


	15. Attack of the 50 Foot Cockroach

Formidable Four XIV: Attack of the 50 Foot Cockroach  
  
Daria came to Casa Lane with her over-night bag packed. Jane was still packing. "Nice of   
  
the X-Men to return the favor." said Jane, folding up her swimsuit. "To bad we're gonna miss Jodi's Fourth of July barbeque."  
  
"It would just be several hours spent with people we try to avoid during the school year." said Daria. "I'd pick it over another session with the Terror Bears or deep sea zombies, but still..."  
  
"Speaking of Bears, look what I found in the hall closet this morning." Jane held up a pale blue stuffed bear. It had sleepy looking eyes and a crescent moon embroidered on its stomache.  
  
"A Care Bear. Just when you thought the 80's were dead. Thanks for sharing your beloved   
  
childhood toy with me, Jane."  
  
"Oh, this wasn't mine. It was Trent's."  
  
Daria looked the stuffed toy over. "Bedtime Bear. How- appropriate."  
  
"Janey," said Trent, entering the room. "Max just called, he's..." He saw the bear and   
  
turned a little pink. "Where did you find that?"  
  
"Hall closet." said Jane.  
  
"Um, yeah. Anyway, Max is going to pick us up soon so put your little toys away."  
  
"Jane already told me." said Daria.  
  
Trent put a hand to his forehead. "It's like this, Daria." he said. "Our parents didn't   
  
believe in gender biased toys so, um..."  
  
"Trent, I don't think any less of you." She gave him Bedtime Bear. "Here you go."  
  
Trent looked at the bear a minute, smiled and said "Daria, I had Bedtime Bear long enough. Why don't you have him?"  
  
"You're giving me your teddy bear?"  
  
"You can snuggle him at night when I'm not there."  
  
"And you think me and Jesse are gross!" said Jane.  
  
Meanwhile, at the Moreno house, Danny got off the camp bus and came home. He knew his dad   
  
would be at work for awhile. Maybe his brother was home. He heard a thumping noise coming down   
  
the stairs. It was Nibbles in her plastic ball. Danny picked it up and took it upstairs.  
  
He met Jesse coming out of his room with a bag of garbage. "Hey, Danny." he said. "How was computer camp?"  
  
"It was awesome!" said Danny as he followed his brother downstairs. "I learned this new   
  
code for DOS Windows..." Jesse had no idea what his brother was talking about, but he listened   
  
anyway as he took out the garbage. "And I learned a new joke. What did the Univac say when it   
  
downloaded the Commodore 64? Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!"  
  
"Um, yeah." Jesse didn't get it.  
  
"Oh, here's Nibbles." Danny gave Jesse the hamster in a plastic ball.  
  
"Thanks." Jesse took Nibbles out of the ball and stroked her fur with one finger. "I just   
  
cleaned her cage. Could you do me a favor, Danny? I'm gonna be at a friend's house for a while   
  
and I need someone to take care of Nibbles for me. And by 'take care of' I do not mean attach   
  
electrodes to her brain and make her run a maze."  
  
"Aw, are you still mad about that? Look, her fur grew back nicely." Danny sighed and shook his head. "Weird. as soon as I get home, you're getting ready to leave."  
  
"Tell you what, when I get home, I'll give you another driving lesson."  
  
"Really? I know how you hate it."  
  
"You sped through nearly every red light and ran down 6 or 7 mailboxes."  
  
"What are you worried about? Hercules is damn near indestructable. Plus, how was I supposed to concentrate with you mumbling all that stuff about the Lord being your shepherd?"  
  
"With the way you drive, Danny, I'm considering investing in a St. Christopher medal."  
  
"Don't be so superstitious."  
  
"It's not superstitous."  
  
"St. Christopher, rabbit's foot; what's the dif? Anywho, I met this guy at computer camp   
  
who doesn't live far from here. Can he come over?"  
  
"Danny, now that Papa's sobered up, you need to stop acting like I'm your dad. It's fine by me if it's fine by him."  
  
"Old habits die hard." Danny shrugged.  
  
There was a knock at the door. It was Max. "You ready to go, Jess?" he asked.  
  
"Yeah. Lemme go put Nibbles up and get my bag." Danny went upstairs with Jesse.  
  
Jesse showed Danny where he kept the hamster food. "I left the numbers for the vet and where I'll be staying on the fridge. Make sure Nibbles has food and water everyday. Give her a lettuce leaf every once in a while." He gave his brother a hug. "Behave yourself, kid."  
  
"So, how come your friends told you to meet them at the football field?" Max asked as he drove.   
  
"I dunno." said Trent. "Just got an E-mail the other day saying to meet them there so they could pick us up."  
  
The group waited by the Tank II. A strange humming sound came from the distance. It grew   
  
louder and louder. The sun was blocked out by a huge black form. It was an aircraft, but one like none of them had seen. It hovered over the field for a few moments and then settled on the ground. A hatch just beneath the nose opened and a flight of steps were revealed. A little blue man with pointed ears and a tail came out. Holy crap! thought Max. The Martians have landed! "Guten tag!" said the "Martian", waving a three fingered hand.  
  
"Jesus Christ!" Max gasped.  
  
"Where?" Kurt turned rapidly, as if expecting Jesus to be standing behind him. He turned   
  
back to Max. "Oh, I remember you. You were at that 3 Doors Down concert last month. Which one are you again? Merry or Pippin?" Max made some stammering sounds. "Oh, you probably don't recognize me. One moment." Kurt turned on his image inducer. "Is that better?"  
  
"Oh, you were that guy with the cute chick with the frosted hair."  
  
"I wouldn't say she was /with/ me. She's my sister, more or less. But, I'll be sure to tell Rogue you think she's cute."  
  
A tall, slender woman with dark skin and white hair exited the craft. "Is everyone ready?" she asked in a faintly accented voice.  
  
"Halle Berry?" Max said in surprise.  
  
"Me?" The woman seemed surprised at the mistaken identity.  
  
"Don't be too flattered, Storm." said Kurt. "He thinks I'm Jesus Christ."  
  
"It's time to go. Everyone ready?" asked Storm.  
  
Max watched his friends enter the craft. He decided it favored the Stealth Bomber in design. The craft effortlessly lifted of the ground, reached enough altitude and darted away.  
  
"Welcome aboard the Blackbird." Kurt said to his friends. "Fasten your seatbelts and please observe the no screaming sign." Jane took her didgital camera out of her bag and snapped a few pictures of the clouds outside her window. "This is a good time to vistit the X Mansion." Kurt said, settling into his seat. "My birthday is tomorrow."  
  
"Your birthday falls on a holiday too, huh." said Trent. "Sucks, doesn't it?"  
  
"Not really." Kurt shrugged. "In Germany, July fourth is just another day. Here, I get   
  
fireworks on my birthday. Then again, Jubilee makes sure everyone gets fireworks on their birthday."  
  
"Who's Jubilee?" asked Daria.  
  
"You'll find out." Kurt said with a smile. "Actually, I'm not sure July fourth is my real   
  
birthday, but it's the day my parents always celebrated it."  
  
"So you're-um-adopted?" asked Daria.  
  
"Sort of. They said I couldn't have been more than a week or two old when they found me.   
  
I've probably been 17 years old for a week and not known it." He smiled sardonically. "If it was much longer than that, I've been reading the wrong horoscope all these years."  
  
Jane took out her sketch book as the others settled in for the flight. She started sketching Storm's head. She just liked how serene the woman's facial features were as she piloted the Blackbird. She liked the sharp contrast of white flowing hair against light brown skin. She wondered if Storm was a mutant too.  
  
Kurt peeked at Jane's book. "That's pretty." he said. Jane showed him the nearly finished   
  
sketch. "It's Storm. You drew her very well." He took a closer look. "You know, she does kind of look like Halle Berry-sort of"'  
  
"Sort of." said Jane. "But not really."  
  
"Could you do me next?"  
  
Jane smiled. "I think Jesse would object to that."  
  
"Oh, I didn't mean..."  
  
"I was teasing you. Sit still." Kurt looked Jane's way as she got her sketchbook and pencil ready. "Could you turn of the holo? I wanna draw you the way you really are."  
  
Kurt was flattered. He turned off the inducer and posed for Jane.  
  
The Blackbird landed less than an hour later. Scott, Jean and Rogue met them and introduced them to everyone. "Professor X is out giving a lecture." said Scott. "He'll be back this afternoon. He's been dying to meet you four."  
  
"Oh, Rogue," said Kurt. "Remember the bald guy from the concert? He thinks you're cute."  
  
"Shut up. I ain't cute." she retorted.  
  
A girl introduced as Kitty saw Jane's sketchbook. "Could I see?" she asked. Jane showed her the book. "Wow, this is a really good drawing of Storm. Wish I could draw like that." Jane thanked her. "I like this one of Kurt. You managed to capture that mischivous look in his eyes."  
  
Daria approached Jubilee. "Jubilee, right? Kurt says you do fireworks."  
  
Jubilee made a hand gesture. A small explosion popped in the air and fizzled. "It's a talent. I'll bring out the big stuff at the party tomorrow. I'm doing fireworks, Logan's barbequing and Storm's providing the sno-cones."  
  
"Swell. Do you know of a mall around here? I'd like to get a birthday present for Kurt."  
  
"Know of a mall? I used to live in one!"  
  
"Did someone say 'mall'?" asked a girl with pink spiky hair.  
  
"What's your name again?"  
  
"Kelly Osbourne." she had a British accent. "The Prof calls me Foulmouth. I just got here   
  
last week. Do you mind if I ride along? I'd like to get Kurt something. He's been nice to me and my Pussy."  
  
"Your /what/?"  
  
"She means her cat." Jubilee explained.  
  
Jean drove them to the mall in her SUV. Kitty joined in. She wanted to get a gift to. "So, Kelly Osbourne," said Trent. 'Are you related to.."  
  
"He's my dad." she said before he could finish.  
  
"No way!"  
  
"That's right, my dad's the Prince of Fucking Darkness."   
  
The SUV's engine backfired. "Kelly!" Jean scolded.  
  
"I'm sorry, it just leaked out. That's my mutant power." she explained. "Whenever I say bad words, I cause energy waves. That's why my codename is Foulmouth."  
  
"You ever think about going into music?" Trent asked her. "Like your dad?"  
  
"I have actually. One reason I didn't mind living here so much is we're pretty close to   
  
New York. I've been recording my own album."  
  
"What's it called?"  
  
"Shut Up."  
  
"I'm sorry?"  
  
"That's the name of my album. Shut Up."  
  
"Oh. Got a band yet?"  
  
"Pure Rubbish."  
  
"So...you don't have a band."  
  
"Oh, no, that's the name of my band. Pure Rubbish."  
  
They got to the mall and went to Fencer's gifts. Jane teased Daria with some of the naughtier gifts on display. "The Honey Moon Kit." she said, reading a box. "Comes with blindfold, peacock feather and a jar of honey. Now I know what to get you for your bridal shower."  
  
"You do and I'll get you this." She showed Jane a thong with a monkey design. She sqeezed   
  
it, it made a sound like a monkey screaming.  
  
Jesse looked through the posters. "We're here to get something for Kurt." Trent reminded him.  
  
"Trent," said Kitty. "Could you give me a little advice?"  
  
"Sure." She took him to the jewelry counter.   
  
"What kind of jewelry do guys like?" she asked.  
  
"Silver's always good, I guess."  
  
"I can't get him a ring. His fingers are to big. I was thinking maybe.." She slapped her   
  
hand to her forehead. "Like, what am I thinking! I can't get Kurt jewelry! It's, like, too- commital. We're just friends."  
  
"You can give someone jewelry and just be friends." said Trent. He showed her one of his   
  
rings. "My buddy Max gave me this for my 18th birthday. And Jesse gave me this pendant for   
  
Christmas one year. Take a good look at it." Kitty looked at the pendant. It was a half circle   
  
with the letters FRIE FOR engraved on it. "Jesse has the other half. When you put them together   
  
it spells out 'friends forever.' So, you can give jewelry and just be friends."  
  
"Maybe if it's guy-to-guy or girl-to-girl." said Kitty.  
  
"I think Trent's right." said Jubilee. "I'll get Kurt one of those pendants shaped like a   
  
crab. It's his birth sign."  
  
"I'll get something else." Kitty decided. "I just can't get him jewelry, I, like, have   
  
a boyfriend. OK, he's a self-centered controlling jerk, but he's still my boyfriend."  
  
Kelly had bought a tee-shirt but wouldn't let anyone see. "Wait for the party." she said. Jubilee bought the crab pendant. "They had a special. Every Zodiac pendant comes with a free matching charm. I think only girls do charm bracelets, but I'll give it to him anyway."  
  
An Ell-See Toys was just across from Fencer's Gifts. A display near the entrance featured   
  
Dancing Hamsters. They were basically animatronic hamsters that would move to the beat of a   
  
Chipmunks-style song when a button was pressed. "Hey Jesse," said Jane. "Doesn't this one kinda   
  
look like Nibbles?"  
  
"I guess so." He pressed its paw. It danced to Kool and the Gang's "Celebration."  
  
"You have a hamster, Jesse?" asked Kitty.  
  
"Yeah. I'm thinking of getting a male to keep her company. You have any pets?"  
  
Kitty smiled. "His name is Lockheed. I'll introduce you when we get home." Kitty looked at the hamsters. One had drumsticks in its paws and was dressed like Ringo Starr circa '62. When she pressed its paw it danced to The Beatles' "Birthday".  
  
"I think I found the perfect gift." she said.  
  
The group broke for lunch in what Kitty called "Junk Food Ally." She had a Caesar salad   
  
while everyone else had burgers or pizza. "I'm serious," she said. "That stuff will totally kill you."  
  
"But what a way to go." said Daria.  
  
"I still refuse to eat anything that has a face."  
  
"This doesn't have a face." said Jane, displaying her burger. "At least, not any more."  
  
"Kitty's right." said Daria. "This thing once had a face." She contemplated her burger.   
  
"It probably had a name, a family, brothers and sisters. And if they were here, I'd eat them too."  
  
"Eat me, Kitty." Kelly used her burger as a puppet, teasing her friend. "Eat me now!"  
  
"Have you guys decided what you're gonna get?" asked Jubilee.   
  
"Um, I got this at Fencer's." Trent showed them a birthday card he picked out. It had a   
  
particularly busty swimsuit model on the front. /Hey, big guy,/ it read /How'd you like to see a picture of her naked?/ Inside the card was a picture of a bare bottomed baby. /She was a lot   
  
younger then!/  
  
"Maybe the four of us could pitch in on one gift." suggested Jesse.  
  
"It's an idea." said Trent. They finally decided to go four ways on a karioke machine that came with a "Hits of the 80's" CD.  
  
"That would be perfect for Kurt." said Jubilee. "He's always been a bit of a ham. I think   
  
he kinda misses the spot light. He grew up in a circus."  
  
As soon as they got back they were greeted by a large friendly dog. "Is this Lockheed?" asked Jesse, rubbing the dog's neck.  
  
"Um, not exactly." Kitty tried not to giggle.  
  
"Actually," said Jean, "That's..."  
  
"Quiet." Kelly whispered. "I wanna see how this plays out."  
  
The dog licked Jesse's face. "Good boy." he said. The dog rolled over on its back. "Oh, I   
  
mean, good girl." Jesse rubbed the dog's belly, causing her leg to thump. Kelly, Kitty and Jean   
  
all tried hard not to laugh.   
  
"OK, that's enough, Rahne." said Jean. Suddenly the dog morphed into a teenaged girl with   
  
pigtails. She blew Jesse a kiss and got up and walked away. Jesse blushed while Jane glowered.  
  
Professor X was back and eager to meet them. He was a thin bald man in a wheelchair with an intelligent glimmer in his eyes. "The Formidable Four." he said. "I'm honored to meet you. I   
  
understand you've found acceptance in your hometown. Not many mutants are so fortunate."  
  
"You save a kid here, bust a bad guy there." Jane shrugged. "No problem."  
  
"I wish it was that easy." said Professor X. "Many of my students have been both verbally   
  
and physically attacked while trying to help. My dream as that some day, humans and mutants will learn to live together."  
  
"Are you a mutant, to?" asked Daria.  
  
"Yes, Phantom. I'm a telepath. And yes, Sir Stretchalot, this is my real head. No, my neck is not blowing bubble gum."  
  
"Whoa, that's scary." said Trent.   
  
That night Daria had trouble sleeping. Professor X wasn't as lax as Amanda was about sleeping arrangments. She was sharing a room with Jane, who was snoring pretty loudly. How does Jesse stand it? she wondered. Daria looked at Bedtime Bear. "You're not doing your job." she told it. "You're gonna get kicked out of the Care Bear Corps." She went downstairs to the library. Maybe a book would help her sleep.   
  
Daria opened the door to the library and came face to face with a huge monster covered in   
  
blue fur. "Eep!" she squeeked.  
  
"I'm sorry," said the monster in a cultured voice. "Did I frighten you?"  
  
"Uh, no." she lied. Get a grip, Morgendorfer. She told herself. He's probably just another mutant. "Are you Kurt's dad or something?"  
  
"We are of no relation. Oh, where are my manners? Dr. Henry McCoy, M.D." He put out a large furry hand. Daria shook it and introduced herself. "Well, Daria, I came here for a Dosteovsky I was reading earlier. Anything I can help you with?"  
  
"I was hoping I could get something to read before going to sleep."  
  
"In that case, stay away from Lovecraft."  
  
"Thanks. You've got a lot of books here."  
  
"It's the professor's private collection, but he's quite generous about lending them. I'm   
  
the de facto librarian. We got a collection of Poes the other day."  
  
"He's one of my favorites, but it's not something you read before bed either. I'll find   
  
something."  
  
"Well, I'll be going then. Good night, Daria." Dr. McCoy left.   
  
Did I just have a literary conversation with a hairy blue monster? Daria asked herself.   
  
Did I just have a literary conversation with a teenager? Dr. McCoy asked himself.  
  
Daria took a book off the shelf. A passageway slid open. Wonderful, I'm having a Nancy Drew moment. She entered the passagway. She walked down a winding corridor until she saw the strangest thing. Professor X had some sort of helmet on his head and was looking at a computer projection of a world map. Hundreds of glowing red dots were spread across every continent. Before Daria could do anything Professor X said "Hello, Phantom. You're up rather late."  
  
He has his back to me. she thought. How did he...oh, that's right. "Um, should I leave?"  
  
"You don't have to. But if you remain, you must be very still." Daria didn't dare breathe. "Every red light you see up there represents a mutant in the world. Some were made by accident like you and your friends. Some were made by experimentation, such as the Terror Bears. But for the most part, mutants are who they are because nature intended them to be. Right now, there's a young man in The Commonwealth who can't explain why a metal shell covers his skin sometimes. There's a girl in Texas who was expelled from her church when it was discovered she had super strength."  
  
"Not surprising." said Daria. "Religious leaders have been refuting the theory of evolution for years. When evolution is staring them straight in the face, they don't know what to do."  
  
"You're wise beyond your years, Daria."  
  
"Thanks. It's a gift. And a curse."  
  
The next day a party was held pool side. Logan was at the grill wearing an apron that read "Don't touch the cook." Storm was making sno-cones- with real snow. "Hey, Ororo." said Logan. "Make me a sno-cone."  
  
"What flavor?"  
  
"Beer."  
  
"We have cherry, grape and blue coconut."  
  
"Beer." Storm gave him a look. "Oh, alright, grape." Storm's eyes glowed white as she created just enough snow to fill the paper cone. She squirted it with the grape flavored syrup.  
  
The stereo was blasting Eiffel 51's "I'm Blue". Kurt was dancing to it as the other mutants chanted "Go Kurt, go Kurt, It's your birthday."  
  
Daria was gingerly entering the pool, trying to get used to the cold when she was splashed by cold pool water. "Sorry." said Kurt, paddling up to her. "Never could resist a chance to do a cannonball."  
  
"I was planning to get wet anyway. Oh, happy birthday."  
  
"Danke. Daria, maybe we shouldn't swim so close together. Your boyfriend is giving me that weird look again."  
  
"I told him about Amanda."  
  
"Uh, yes, about that." he seemed uncomfortable. "We.. just couldn't make it work. I'm single again." He came closer as if to tell her a secret. "But there's someone else I like." Oh, God, don't let it be me. Daria thought. "Keep a secret?" She nodded. "I really like Kitty." he whispered. "I have for a long time."  
  
Daria sighed with relief and entered the pool. She grabbed a passing inner tube and floated with it for a while. Kurt found a Wet Noodle and leaned against it. "I don't know if she likes me that way. I kinda tease her sometimes. Do you think that's immature?"  
  
"To tell the truth, yes."  
  
Kurt sighed. He asked for the truth and got it. "I don't know if you'd like her. As Rogue   
  
would say 'She's such a girl.' She likes cute pink sparkly things. Likes clothes shopping."  
  
"Sounds like my sister."  
  
"Ja, but, you've told me about your sister, Daria. Kitty's not like her. She cares about   
  
other people and she's very smart. She has her faults, but..." He couldn't seem to find the words.  
  
"But you don't care." said Daria. "You'll take the whole package, because you know everything that's good about that person outweighs anything that's bad. And what anyone else thinks-including siblings-just doesn't matter."  
  
"That's how you feel about Trent, ja?"  
  
"Ja." She exhausted her knowledge of the German language.  
  
"He's a lucky man." Kurt floated lazily in the pool. "And what you said makes sense. Take   
  
Rogue's boyfriend...please."  
  
"Rogue has a boyfriend?"  
  
"She started seeing him about the same time Kelly joined us. He's a mutant called Toad   
  
because he has the powers of a toad."  
  
"What do you mean powers? All toads do is hop around and eat bugs."  
  
"Bingo."  
  
"He eats bugs!? Like Rhenfield from /Dracula/?"  
  
"Nein, he has a long, sticky tongue like a toad. Did I mention he spits slime?"  
  
"Does she kiss this guy? Wait, I forgot, she can't kiss."  
  
"Daria, I don't want to think about what they do together. The boy has no morals. He doesn't have the manners God gave a pig. And he smells horrible. And this coming from someone who once lived in a circus."  
  
"Maybe Rogue sees something in him that you can't."  
  
"Maybe." he shrugged. "To each his Dulcinea, I guess."  
  
Jesse reclined in the chaise lounge and watched Jane play Marco Polo with 5 Jamies and   
  
Jubilee. He adjusted his shades and remembered the first time he kissed Jane. It had been after   
  
they put the goalpost back up. They sat on the bleachers and talked untill the sun went down.   
  
When she promised that she'd always be his friend he put his arms around her and held her close. "Jesse," she whispered as the sky began to darken. "I can feel your heart beat." Jesse didn't know what to say. He just stroked her short black hair and looked into her sky blue eyes. He never knew who leaned in first, but he found himself kissing her. He couldn't believe it. He was kissing Jane Lane, the little girl he used to play Chutes and Ladders with. I guess we've both grown up. he thought. He walked her home in silence, hand in hand. When they got to her door he asked her if they could be more than friends. "We can arrange that." she said as she stood on her toes and put her arms around his neck. She kissed him, slipping in just a little tongue. Jesse was suddenly drenched with cold water.  
  
"Trent!" Jesse was rudly awakened from his daydream by Trent splashing him.  
  
"You could use a shower." Trent joked as he climbed out of the pool. He sat in a lounge   
  
chair next to Jesse and whispered "You should thank me. You were pitching a tent."  
  
"Oh." Jesse blushed.  
  
"Think you can go five minutes without having dirty thoughts about my sister?"  
  
"They weren't dirty thoughts."  
  
"So you were thinking about her." he teased.  
  
Daria came up behind Trent and gave him a kiss on the cheek. "What was that for?" he asked.  
  
"Someone told me you're a lucky man. And I realized I'm a very lucky woman."  
  
"Kitty!" yelled Logan. "Your soy burger is ready." Kitty came to the grill and got her   
  
burger. "How you can eat that crap, I'll never know." Logan shook his head.  
  
"Soy is better for you." she said, spreading mustard on her bun. A little purple dragon   
  
sniffed around Kitty's bare feet. "Do you have something for Lockheed?"  
  
Logan tossed a raw frankfurter in the air. "Go fetch." he told the dragon. Lockheed flew   
  
into the air and grabbed his prize on the wing.  
  
"Hey," someone on the perrimiter of the mansion property yelled. "Is someone here having a party?" He was a tall African American boy with bleached hair and covered in spines like a porcupine.  
  
"Evan!" Storm dropped the sno-cone she had been working on and ran over to him.  
  
"Spyke!" Kurt ported out of the pool and went to greet his friend.  
  
"Hang on," he said, keeping them at arms length. "I don't want either of you getting   
  
impaled just because you're glad to see me."  
  
"Evan, you've come home!" Storm was trying her best not to cry.  
  
"Only for a little while, Aunt Ro." he said. "I belong with the morlocks now. But I'd never miss my buddy's birthday. So, the big one-seven, huh?"  
  
"I'm glad you came, Spyke." said Kurt.   
  
When the sun went down, Jubilee started her fireworks display. The sky was lit up with   
  
whistling, glowing flowers of color. Jubilee's finale was making her fireworks spell out "Happy   
  
Birthday, Kurt." She took her bow as everyone applauded. Then it was inside for cake and ice cream.  
  
Jane took pictures as Kurt opened his presents. He liked Kitty's present. "It's cute, fuzzy and likes to dance." he said. "Just like me." He kissed her forehead. He put on the Cancer pendent Jubille gave him and put the charm in his pocket. "Jubilee, thank you for giving me crabs." Everyone laughed. He laughed as soon as he saw the tee-shirt Kelly got him. Jane took a picture of him holding it up. The shirt said "Things to do with a pussy" and illustrated options with a hapless cartoon cat. Options were such as "Shave it", "Eat it", "Wash it", "Stuff it", "Ram it" and so forth.  
  
He liked the karioke machine. He and Trent set it up. Kurt looked at the list of songs   
  
included on the CD. "99 Luftballoons." he read. "Hope no one minds if I sing the orriginal German lyrics."  
  
Kurt took the mike as the music started. "hast Du etwas Zeit fuer mich Dann singe ich ein   
  
Lied fuer Dich Von 99 Luftballoons Auf ihrem Weg zum Horizont."  
  
"Everyone's a superhero." Trent whispered to Daria. "Everyone is Captain Kirk."  
  
"How true." she agreed.  
  
After his song was done, Kurt asked who wanted to go next. "Why don't you go, Jesse?" asked Jane. "It's just us."  
  
"I don't know."  
  
"Please? You have such a nice voice."  
  
Great, thought Jesse. She's making the boo-boo face. "Alright." He picked a song he knew   
  
the lyrics to so he could keep his eyes closed throughout his performance. He chose "Like A Prayer."  
  
Daria commented "A song also known as 'Are You There, God? It's Me, Madonna.'"  
  
Trent grabbed Daria and danced with her. "It's like a dream," Jesse sang. "With no end and no beginning. Oh, God I think I'm falling out of the sky I hear your voice."  
  
Kurt got Kitty to dance with him. Near the end of the song, he got on his knees, immitating Madonna's dance from the video. "When you call my name it's like a little prayer. I'm down on my knees, I wanna take you there. In the midnight hour I can feel your power. Just like a prayer, no choice your voice can take me there."  
  
Rahne was practically drooling as she watched Jesse's performance. Jane tapped her on the   
  
shoulder. "Just remember, he's taken." She backed up her claim by conjuring a small fireball.  
  
"Cor, ducks," Rahne replied. "Can't a girl look?"  
  
"Look, don't touch."  
  
"Jesse's a good singer." Kurt said to Kitty. "I didn't know guys could do Madonna."  
  
"What are you talking about?" she replied. "Guys do Madonna all the time. She has two kids and a rash to prove it."  
  
"I did it again! I meant I didn't know guys could sing Madonna songs."  
  
"So, that wasn't you singing 'Open Your Heart' in the shower last night?"  
  
"Uh, why don't you go next, Kitty?"  
  
Kitty was up next. She gave a livly rendition of "Girl's Just Wanna Have Fun", complete   
  
with the Cyndi Skip. After she was done, Rahne did her interpritation of "Hungry Like The Wolf."   
  
Jean and Daria went to the kitchen for more chips and dip. Kitty followed.  
  
"Jean," said Kitty."I just had an epiphany."  
  
"Don't have it here," said Daria. "We just cleaned the floor." The two other girls laughed.  
  
"Anyway," Kitty continued. "It happened while I was singing the last verse of 'Girls Just   
  
Wanna Have Fun.' It made me think about Lance. He wants to hide me away from the rest of the   
  
world, but I wanna be the one to walk in the sun. Next time I see him, I'm calling it quits."  
  
"Wow," said Daria. "Immagine what would happen if she sang 'She Bop' instead."  
  
"I don't think I want to." Jean laughed.  
  
Somehow, Logan had been talked into performing "If You Want My Body." He didn't seem thrilled about it. Daria got back with her friends. "Well, Cyndi Lauper inspired Kitty to break up with her boyfriend." she said.  
  
"She told me about him at the mall." said Trent. "She said he was kind of a jerk. Wonder if she'd be interested in Kurt."  
  
"He told you too?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Oops, I think I just told you something he told me not to tell."  
  
"He didn't have to tell me." said Trent. "I could tell from the way he looks at her. I'll   
  
admit, I was affraid he was interested in you at first. But, the truth is, you're just an interesting person."  
  
"Thanks."  
  
"Do I smell matchmaking opportunity?" asked Jane.  
  
"That's not such a good idea." said Daria.  
  
"C'mon!" urged Jane. "It'll be the best birthday present he ever got!"  
  
"How do we go about it?" Trent asked as Jubilee took the mike and sang "Total Eclipse of   
  
the Heart."  
  
"OK," said Jane. "We suggest a game of Truth or Dare. One of our potential lovebirds will   
  
eventually choose dare, and we'll just dare one to kiss the other. And they'll live happily ever after!"  
  
"There's something wrong with this plan." said Daria. "Won't they notice if the members of the Formidable Four start picking on Kurt and Kitty?"  
  
"You're right." said Jane. "So it'll be up to you and Trent."  
  
"I'm gonna get you for that one, Janey." Trent warned.  
  
Everyone seemed interested in playing Truth or Dare. Everyone sat in a circle. Lockheed   
  
rested in Kitty's lap while a pampered Siamese purred in Kelly's lap. That must be the Pussy she talked about. Daria decided. Trent went first. "Kurt, truth or dare?"  
  
"Truth." he decided.  
  
This is going to be harder than I thought. Trent decided. He came up with a good truth.   
  
"Describe your first make-out session."  
  
"Oh, that was a long time ago." said Kurt. "I guess I was 14. Her name was Griselda." He   
  
closed his eyes and smiled as he caressed the air. "I can still feel her beard now." he sighed.  
  
"Her beard?!" chorused several players.  
  
"Ja, my first love was Griselda, the Bearded Lady back in the circus. Our love was simply   
  
too hot, too passionate to last very long." Several people laughed. "Scott, truth or dare?"  
  
"Dare."  
  
"I dare you to kiss...Lockheed!"  
  
"Kitty's dragon? You're serious?" Kurt nodded. "OK, here it goes." He gave Lockheed a peck on the head. Lockheed responded by giving him a slurp on the cheek. "Gross!" He whiped his face. "Kelly, truth or dare?"  
  
"Truth."  
  
"Did your dad really bite the head off a bat?"  
  
Kelly rolled her eyes. "Why does everyone ask me that? OK, yes, he did, but he thought it   
  
was a rubber Halloween bat. Jean, truth or dare?"  
  
"Truth."  
  
"Have you ever snogged Scott?"  
  
"Umm...what's a snog?"  
  
"Tongue kissing."  
  
Both Scott and Jean blushed. "Well, yes. We've snogged." Among other things. she mentally   
  
added. "Jane, truth or dare?"  
  
"Dare."  
  
"I dare you to talk like Yoda for the rest of the game."  
  
"Talk like Yoda you ask of me? Hmm...Talk like Yoda I shall then. Jesse, truth or dare you must pick. Be not affraid of either."  
  
"Uh, truth."  
  
"Ah, set you free, the truth shall. Most sensitive part of your body, what is?" Jesse blushed. "The one eyed rancor I mean not." Everyone but Jesse laughed.  
  
"Well," Jesse said. "I guess that would be my feet." Jane gave him a questioning look. Jesse shrugged. "I just like having them rubbed."  
  
"Hmmm..." Jane stroked Jesse's instep. "How feel you?"  
  
"It doesn't work when I'm wearing shoes. Trent, truth or dare?"  
  
"Dare."  
  
Jesse thought a moment. "I dare you to put on lipstick."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Have some in my bag, do I!" Jane raced to her room to get her lipstick and raced back.   
  
She even brought a small mirror for him. Trent smeared the lipstick over his lips and blotted   
  
them together. The effect was hideous.  
  
"Kitty," Trent said. "Truth or dare?"  
  
"Truth." she giggled.  
  
What is it with these people and the truth? "Tell us about your boyfriend."  
  
"Well, he's a jerk and I'm breaking up with him." A few people applauded. Kurt smiled.   
  
"Daria, truth or dare?"  
  
"Um, Dare."  
  
"I dare you to kiss Trent, hard enough to smear his lipstick."  
  
"Well, OK." She grabbed Trent and kissed him fiercly. When she was done, half of the lipstick he had smeared on was on her mouth. "Kurt, truth or dare?"  
  
"Truth."  
  
Damn, he likes the truth. "Um, what's it like having a tail?"  
  
Kurt seemed perplexed. "Hard to say. I've always had it. It's useful for when I need a third hand. Getting it caught in a doorway hurts like Hell, especially when you're trying to pretend you don't have a tail. Spyke, truth or dare?"  
  
"Dare."  
  
Kurt smiled mischivously. "Go pants Logan."  
  
"Do I look suicidal?"  
  
"Spyke, I've seen you do things on your skateboard that they wouldn't do on 'Jackass'."  
  
"OK." Spyke went to the kitchen where Logan and Storm where talking. The others followed   
  
quietly.  
  
"They've been quiet for a while." said Storm. "Should we check on them?"  
  
"I checked a moment ago. They're playing Truth or Dare." said Logan.  
  
"Now I really think we should check on them."  
  
"They're good kids. Ororo. No one's gonna run out cryin' and the dares won't go beyond a   
  
little smooch face." Just then, Spyke grabbed the waist of Logan's jeans and yanked, revealing   
  
white briefs. Storm screamed. Logan unsheathed his claws. "YOU'RE ONE DEAD PORCUPINE, DANIELS!" he roared.  
  
Spyke ran for it. Logan hitched his pants back up and chased him. Storm followed, begging   
  
Logan not to kill her nephew. Everyone else followed to watch the gore that was sure to come.  
  
Professor X was in the study having tea with Beast and discussing /Crime and Punishment/.   
  
"What was that noise?" asked Beast, hearing the commotion.  
  
"The party's probably becoming a bit rowdy." Xavier paused, and took the teapot off the   
  
table. "Henry, would you mind helping me remove the crockery from the table? I'd like to keep it a matching set."  
  
"Of course," said Beast, removing the sugar bowl. "But why..." He was interrupted by Spyke leaping over the table, closly followed by an angry Logan who had the claws on one hand ready, the other hand holding up his pants. Storm was trying to hold him back. A crowd of young mutants rushed by. "Ah, another day at the X Mansion." Beast sighed, putting his teacup back on the table, just in time for a baby dragon and a Siamese cat to scamper across and scatter it into Beast's lap. "You couldn't see that one coming, Charles?"  
  
"Animals are harder to read."  
  
Logan caught up with Spyke. "Any last words, Porcupine?"  
  
"The devil made me do it!" Spyke laughed, pointing at Kurt.  
  
"Let it go, Logan." said Storm.  
  
Logan sheathed his claws. There would be no bloodshed tonight. Or matchmaking either.  
  
It was late into the night before the party started to wind down. Spyke slipped off and   
  
returned to the Morlocks before Storm could convince him otherwise. "Kurt," Daria asked him as   
  
they tidied up the living room. "Why did you keep chosing truth? Just curious."  
  
"Well, Daria, when everyone knows you're a circus acrobat they keep asking you to do silly things. It's always 'Kurt, do a backflip' or 'Kurt, stand on your head.' I perform on my own terms."  
  
"Right. People never dare you to do something dignified like pants a homicidal maniac with adamantium claws."  
  
"Daria, Logan isn't all that bad. Sure, he comes off a little gruff, but he has the heart   
  
of a little boy."  
  
"Which he keeps in a jar."  
  
Kurt picked up a white stick-on bow that had come with one of his presents. "Here," he said, sticking it on the top of Daria's head. "That looks pretty on you." Trent was giving Kurt another "hands off my woman" glare. "I'm sorry, Trent." said Kurt. "Did I make you jealous?"  
  
"Not really."  
  
"Ah, but I did. I'm sorry. Here, I'll make it up to you." He stuck a green bow on Trent's   
  
head. Trent was not amused. "Listen," Kurt whispered. "I'm actually flattered that you think I'm competition for Daria. It means you see me as a person, not as a blue furred monster."  
  
"Daria likes stimulating conversation. I'm afraid I don't give her enough of that."  
  
"She loves you. I think she's nice, but not the one for me."  
  
The next day they did some training in the danger room. "You're not gonna work out wearing that are you?" asked Logan when the Formidable Four showed up in street clothes. Everyone else was in spandex uniforms.   
  
"It's what all the crimefighters in Paris are wearing this season." Daria deadpanned.  
  
"I've been thinking," said Jane. "We really do need costumes of some kind. Every good   
  
crimefighter has a costume that says what they're all about. I've made some designs." She took   
  
out her everpresent sketchpad and showed the designs to her teammates.  
  
"You can borrow four spare uniforms today." said Logan.  
  
"Jane," said Daria, looking at the sketchpad. "Every one of the outfits you have for me   
  
would over reveal my assets-or lack thereof."  
  
"Where'd you get the inspiration for my costume?" asked Jesse. "Chippendales?"  
  
"I'm not wearing spandex." Trent stated flatly. "No way in Hell, uh-uh, forget it."  
  
Five minutes later, Trent was wearing a spandex unitard. He was plainly unhappy while Kurt was gigling. "What's so damned funny?" he challenged.  
  
"This is just like on F-Troop when Corporal Agorn says 'No way! I'm not wearing a dress!' Then in the next scene he's all dressed up and going 'Yoo-hoo! Mr. Diablo!' It's very funny!"  
  
"No it's not." said Trent. "And just for that, you can't be on my team."  
  
"Here's how it goes." said Logan after he split every one into two teams. "The name of the game is 'Capture the Bacon'. Each team will be given a flag they have to protect from the other team while trying to steal the other's flag. This ain't laser tag where you get 3 chances. You get tagged, you're out. And just to make things interestin', lasers will be firing at random. The safeties are on so it won't hurt-much."  
  
Trent really got into the game. Jane had turned off her flames to grab the flag. Trent grabbed her from behind, put her in a judo roll ending with her on the floor, his knee in her back. "Told you I'd get you." he said. As she went to the benches, Trent saw Jesse trying to take up where Jane failed. Trent stretched an arm over to block him while he grabbed a steel post to use as a staff. "Hey, Jess? You ever see that episode of Star Trek called 'Amock Time'?" Before Jesse could answer, Trent was attacking him while humming the fight music from said episode.  
  
Meanwhile, Daria was hiding behind a partition, assesing the situation. The opposing team's flag was 25 feeet away from her. Kurt was on guard duty. Nightcrawler, she reminded herself. When he's like this, he's Nightcrawler. Daria had managed to get this far by going invisible and being quick. She decided to take off her boots so Nightcrawler wouldn't hear her approach. She held her breath and tried to slip invisibly past Nightcrawler. Good, she thought. I haven't done anything to get him to notice me.  
  
Nightcrawler's nostrils twitched. He turned to Daria. Oh crap! Before Daria could finish   
  
her thought, Nightcrawler tackled her. "But, how?" asked Phantom. "I was invisible!"  
  
"Ja, Phantom, but I could smell you. I'm not as good as Wolverine, but my sense of smell is rather sensitive."  
  
"In that case, you might want to get off me. You're touching a couple of parts of my anatomy that are rather sensitive."  
  
"Oh, sorry." He quickly took his hands away.  
  
Phantom hopped up and grabbed the flag. "Yoink!"  
  
"Ach! That's not fair!"  
  
The rest of the stay was fun but uneventful. All to soon, it was time for the Formidable   
  
Four to pack up and get on the Blackbird back to Lawndale.  
  
"Think you can stay the night, Jane?" Jesse whispered to her en route. "With Logan and Storm watching us like hawks, I haven't been able to touch you for nearly a week."  
  
"You got it, babe."  
  
The morning after, Jesse was awakened by Jane's shrieking. He leaped out of bed. Jane slammed the bathroom door behind her and ran into Jesse's arms. Normally, Jesse would've been turned on by this, but Jane's screams told him something was wrong. "What is it?" he asked.  
  
"There-there's a cockroach in the bathroom. A really, really big one."  
  
Women. Jesse sighed and picked up a shoe. "Alright, I'll go kill it."  
  
"Jesse, no!"  
  
To late, Jesse had opened the door to find a cockroach the size of a cocker spaniel in his bathroom.  
  
Jesse slamed the door, trapping the cockroach inside. "That," he said "Was the biggest   
  
cockroach I've ever seen."  
  
"Cockroaches don't get that big!" said Jane.  
  
"I'm gonna have a talk with Danny. He said he was gonna have a friend over, someone from   
  
computer camp. Maybe they know something about it."  
  
"Let me get dressed first." Jane put on some clothes she had been keeping at Jesse's place and looked for her boots. She had tossed them over by Nibbles' habitat. Jane noticed something odd. "Jesse, you might wanna have a look at Nibbles."  
  
"Is she OK?" He threw on some clothes. "I asked Danny to feed her."  
  
"She's alive. Just bigger than I remember. Maybe it's nothing. She might still be growing."  
  
"No, after I rescued her I had a vet look her over. She's fully grown."  
  
They went to Danny's room and knocked loudly. Danny answered the door in his pajamas, whiping sleep from his eyes. "What?" he mumbled. "You keep me up all night with your banging and moaning and then you wake me up when I'm right in the middle of a cool dream. I invented a mobile fighter droid and..."  
  
"Danny, there's a huge ass cockroach in my bathroom." Jesse interupted. "And I mean huge."  
  
Danny's eyes widened in recognition. "Oh, you found Spanky! Doug and I thought he was gone for good."  
  
"Doug?"  
  
"Doug Boothroyd, my friend from computer camp that I told you about. He brought over this   
  
chemistry set he made himself and a hissing cockroach he called Spanky. We mixed up our own mutagens. It was really fun, but Spanky got away."  
  
"Danny," said Jane. "You didn't by any chance use this mutagen on Nibbles, did you?"  
  
Danny looked very guilty.  
  
"Danny!" Jesse groaned. "I specifically told you not to do experiments on my hamster!"  
  
"I'm sorry." he said pathetically.  
  
"You call this Doug Boothroyd." Jesse told his brother. "The two of you better do something about this cockroach. And you better hope you haven't poisoned Nibbles." Danny obediently went downstairs to use the phone.  
  
Just then, a crash came from Jesse's room. Spanky, now the size of a great dane came skittering down the hall at a break neck speed. Jane screamed as she edged out of the arthepod's way. Jesse went to his room. Apparantly, Spanky had chewed a hole in the bathroom door. Nibble's cage was toppled and broken. A small furry face with two shiny eyes peeked from beneath the weight bench. A furry creature crawled out and stood on two feet. Jesse guessed it to be 12 inches tall. He recognized the oversized rodent's white and gold-brown markings. "Nibbles?"  
  
The mutated hamster ran over to Jesse and hugged his leg.  
  
Downstairs in the dining room Jane sat in a chair and shivered. It was no use pretending   
  
that a giant cockroach didn't just speed by her, creeped downstairs and chewed a hole in the front door in five seconds. Danny was now dressed and making Pop-Tarts. Jane found herself completly without an appetite. Jesse limped into the room with a furry mass attatched to his leg. He folded his arms and gave Danny a baleful glare. Danny tried to placate him with a Pop-Tart.  
  
Luis came downstairs dressed in a suit and tie. "What's all the commotion?" he asked. "And why is there a hole in our front door, huh? First the staircase, then the door!"  
  
"Danny started it." said Jesse.  
  
"Well, end it." Luis took a Pop-Tart. "Escuchen, I've got an AA meeting to go to, plus an   
  
interview for a better job. When I come back, I expect our door to be in one piece. Ah, Jane,   
  
buenos dias."  
  
"Buenos dias, Senor Moreno."  
  
"Call me Luis, por favor." He left.  
  
"He didn't notice Nibbles clinging to your leg." said Danny. "Maybe no one else will."  
  
Jane called home. Daria answered. Apparantly, she had also spent the night with her fiance. "Jane, you'll never believe this." Daria said before Jane could explain what was happening. "I went out to get the paper when I saw a cockroach the size of a horse crawling down the street."  
  
"Really? It was the size of a great dane when I saw it. While we were gone, Jesse's brother had a little fun with science and now we've got a creepy crawly on the loose."  
  
"I'll wake up Trent and be there shortly."  
  
"Doug should be over soon." said Danny. "I IMed him. He was glad to know Spanky is OK."  
  
"OK?" Jane was exasperated. "According to Daria that bug is getting bigger by the minute!"  
  
"Must be an effect of the mutagen. And Spanky's not a bug, he's an insect. True bugs include beetles such as..."  
  
"Spare me the biology lesson, kid."  
  
"Danny," said Jesse. "Help me get Nibbles off my leg. I don't wanna hurt her."  
  
"Looks like she's developed an Electra Complex." said Danny.   
  
"C'mon, Nibbles," Jesse coaxed, prying the clawy fingers off his leg. "Let me go."  
  
Nibbles looked up at Jesse with her dewy black eyes. She opened her mouth and uttered a   
  
squeeky sound.  
  
"Jeh-she."  
  
The three humans gaped at the hamster. "Did, did she just..." stammered Jane.  
  
"Yeah." gasped Jesse.  
  
"Cool! It worked!" said Danny. "I wasn't sure if it would, but..."  
  
"What did you do to her?" Jesse demanded.  
  
"The mutagenic compound I used was designed to increase IQ and conscousness levels. I knew it might make her smarter than the average hamster, I didn't think she'd be able to talk. Can you say something else, Nibbles?"  
  
"Shumting elsh Nibblesh." was her squeeky reply.  
  
"The speech impediment is likly due to her buck teeth." Danny observed.  
  
"Well, thank you, Mr. Wizard!" Jane retorted.  
  
Trent and Daria arrived at almost the same time Doug did. Doug Boothroyd was a pudgy kid   
  
with red hair and freckles. "Hey, Danny." he said. "Whoa, is that your hamster? Your experiment   
  
worked!"  
  
"Nibbles is /my/ hamster, thank you." said Jesse.  
  
"Nibblesh ish Jeshe'sh hamshter!" Nibbles squeeked happily.  
  
"So where's Spanky?" asked Doug.  
  
"Somewhere in Lawndale." said Jane. "He shouldn't be to hard to find. You two start working on an anti-mutagen, we'll go get Spanky." God, I can't believe I'm referring to a roach by name.  
  
There were now reports all over Lawndale of an enormous cockroach. The size descriptions   
  
kept getting bigger. People fled in panic from the giant insect as it crawled over houses and cars and chewed up everything in its way. The Formidable Four tracked it down to Dega Street. They tried to surround it. Trent used his stretch powers to try and subdue the monster, but he couldn't get a grip on the sleek exoskeleton. Jesse went for the front legs in an attempt to wrestle it, but Spanky's strength was a match for Hercules. Jane surrounded the insect with a ring of fire. A hiss filled the air. "Problem solved!" she spoke to soon. Spanky's back split, revealing filmy wings. With a hum, Spanky zipped into the air and flew west. He was out of sight in seconds.  
  
"That's...not good." Daria observed.  
  
"OK, let's not panic." said Trent. "We're probably gonna have to ask Max for the Tank II   
  
so we can track down Spanky. There will probably be news reports on the radio about a giant   
  
cockroach real soon."  
  
Max reluctantly let them borrow the Tank II. "Bring it back in one piece this time!" he   
  
requested. As soon as they walked back into the Moreno house, Nibbles squeeked "Jeshe!" and   
  
pounced on him, hugging his neck. "Nibblesh ish mishing her Jeshe sho much!"  
  
"Hang on," said Jane. "Let's get a few things straight, Furry. Jesse is /my/ man."  
  
"Jane," said Daria. "You do realize you're jealous of a rodent."  
  
Doug and Danny loaded their make-shift chemistry lab into the back of the van. "Couldn't   
  
go for IQ, could you, Doug?" Danny mixed some viscous chemicals together. "No, you had to go for humungous size."  
  
"There isn't much I could do with Spanky's IQ." Doug contested. "Insects have very primitive nervous systems. Nibbles at least has a spinal column, even if her brain was literally the size of a pea. And I proved you wrong, didn't I?"  
  
"Simple physics and laws of gravity, Doug. I was sure that if an insect got too large its   
  
legs would snap under the weight."  
  
"I just made the legs stronger. Unfortunatly, that made the wings stronger as well." Doug   
  
took out a calculator. "Let's see, the average hissing cockroach can fly 6 feet at a time. Spanky started out at 3 inches and is now approximatly 10 feet in length and still growing..."  
  
Jesse had been unable to persuade Nibbles to stay home. "Look, Nibbles," he said. "I have   
  
to stop this giant cockroach. You have to stay in the van to keep out of trouble."  
  
"But, Nibblesh ish not wanting to leave Jeshe." she squeeked. "Nibblesh love Jeshe."  
  
"Back up, Furry!" said Jane. "What did I tell you about my man?"  
  
"Name ish not Furry!" she snapped. "Name ish Nibblesh! You ish bad woman! You ish hurting Jeshe!"  
  
"Hurting him? What are you talking about?"  
  
"Nibblesh ish sheeing you almost every night from cage. You-you bite Jeshe! You ish jumping up and down on him untill he shcream in pain! You ish doing it jusht lasht night!"  
  
Jane and Jesse blushed. "Um, Nibbles." said Jesse. "I wasn't in pain. Trust me."  
  
"Women who are jealous of their boyfriend's pets," announced Daria. "Next on Jerry Springer." She was a bit surprised by what Nibbles described. Jesse was a screamer. Who would've thought?  
  
"Quiet, everyone." said Trent. "I'm trying to hear the radio." Trent was driving while searching for a radio station that had news about a giant cockroach.   
  
"...a 35 foot long cockroach reportedly crossed the Massachusettes/New York border. I'm Casey Casem. My dear listeners, this can only be a sign of the upcomming appocolypse. I'm Casey Casem. In light of recent events, I, Casey Casem, would like to make a special request and dedication to all my loyal listeners. I'm Casey Casem. I've enjoyed my last fifty years broadcasting and hope you have to. I'm Casey Casem. More than my Top 40 show, I hope you have enjoyed life. I'm Casey Casem. Here's R.E.M with 'It's The End Of The World As We Know It'. I'm Casey Casem."  
  
"Gee," said Daria as the enigmatic song played. "You think that was Casey Casem?"  
  
"He's probably getting senile." said Trent. "At least we know where to go now."   
  
As they crossed the state line, Trent heard a faint staticky voice in his ear. "Trent, Daria, anyone of the Formidable Four. Can you hear me?" Trent knew the voice was coming from the communication earring Danny gave him. He fished around in his pocket for his pen.  
  
"Sir Stretchalot speaking."   
  
"Good, we're in range now. This is Cyclops. I'm in the Blackbird with the rest of the X-Men. No doubt you've heard about the 45 foot cockroach seen flying towards New York City."  
  
"Forty-five? Last report said 35."  
  
"Meet us in Central Park."  
  
"See you there."  
  
The denizens of New York would've been at least surprised to see a craft as large as the   
  
Blackbird land in Central Park, if they hadn't been panicked by a 50 foot cockroach that had just landed on 5th Avenue. The first thing Spanky did upon landing was tear a Mercedes Benz in half with his grusome mandibles. The Formidable Four weren't the only Lawndalians in New York.  
  
"This is it!" Diana Wolfgang said excitedly. "I'll do an on the spot report of the Roach   
  
That Ate New York and finally get out of that podunk town and do some serious journalism! Oh, I knewthere was a reason I survived that zombie attack! Theo! Get out there and get me some footage of that giant cockroach."  
  
"No, Ms Wolfgang."  
  
"Dammit, Theo! I'm not going to let a piss ant like you stand in my way to fame!"  
  
"Go to Hell, Ms Wolfgang."  
  
"You're fired! Give me that damn camera, I'll do it myself!"  
  
"Your funeral, Ms Wolfgang."  
  
Ms Wofgang stood out in the middle of the street filming the horde of people running in   
  
terror from the colossal Kirbian monster. She tilted the camera back to get a full shot of the   
  
creature. A hairy jointed limb came inches from trampling Ms Wolfgang. As soon as the monster   
  
passed, Ms Wolfgang found herself in need of a clean pair of pantyhose.  
  
The Fashion Club was on an excursion at Macy's. "So anyway," Quinn was saying. "I told Mom that if Daria gets to stay at a mansion with some creepy mutant freaks, then surely I can go to New York for a shopping trip. Good thing I'm still her favorite."  
  
"Of course you are." said Stacy. "I mean, Daria's your cousin so that makes her only your   
  
mom's, umm...."  
  
"Her niece, you chowderhead!" Power had made Quinn downright nasty.  
  
"Chowder." breathed Tiffany. "Calories. Faaat. Eew."  
  
"Attention, Macy's shoppers." said a voice on the overhead. "Macy's will be closing in 30   
  
minutes due to an attack by a giant cockroah. Please take your purchases to the check-out and   
  
thank you for shopping at Macy's."  
  
Brooke dropped the Christian Dior she had been admiring and sprinted towards the doors.   
  
"And just what do you think you're doing, Brooke?" Quinn demanded.  
  
"Uh, running for my life?"  
  
"That is, like, so geeky. And is the floor any place for a Dior to lay, where it can get   
  
all creased and wrinkly? Really, Brooke, if you can't show a little consideration for others,   
  
maybe the Fashion Club isn't for you."  
  
"I-I'm sorry, Quinn." Brooke picked up the dress.  
  
"Now, we'll just take our purchases to the counter and- hey, this handbag is cute!" Quinn   
  
picked up a leopard print bag.  
  
"Ooh, get it, Quinn!" said Stacy. "It'll match that new scarf you got!"  
  
Meanwhile, at Central Park: "Is it safe to look, yet?" Kitty asked Kurt.  
  
"Yes, Katzchen, the Blackbird has landed." There was one thing Kurt liked about Kitty's   
  
fear of heights. It gave him the perfect excuse to hold her hand. "Rogue, did you really need to bring /him/?"  
  
"His name is Todd." said Rogue. "And he wants to help just like the rest of us."  
  
"Don't worry about it, Rogue." said Todd. "I ain't gonna let what some pointy-eared hairball says get to me."  
  
"Better a hairball that a pus filled wart." Kurt retorted.   
  
"Cool it, kids." Logan pulled up the hood on his uniform, becoming Wolverine.  
  
The X-Men exited the Blackbird. "Everyone remember where we parked." said Wolverine. They   
  
met with the Formidable Four. "Hey, Hercules." said Wolverine. "You plannin' to fight with that   
  
furball glued to your leg?"  
  
"Uh, this is Nibbles. My pet hamster. Nibbles, what did I say about waiting in the van?"  
  
"Nibblesh want shtay with Jeshe!"  
  
Jesse saw a greengrocers cart just down the street. "Hold on, I got an idea." He limped   
  
over to the cart. "Nibbles, you've gotta stop this. You're making Jane upset." Not to mention me.  
  
"Jane no love Jeshe like Nibblesh do."  
  
"Nibbles, wouldn't you rather have another hamster to love? I could get you a male."  
  
Nibbles' large shiny eyes shimmered, and then burst into tears as Nibbles let out agonized sobs. "Nibbles, you-you don't have to cry about it. I'm sorry if I..."  
  
"Nibblesh ish having mate at one time." she whimpered as huge tears matted her fur. "But,   
  
but...bad lady make Nibblesh kill mate!" She started crying again. Jesse bought a head of lettuce from the costermonger and showed it to Nibbles. "Ish that a..." Her tears were starting to dry. She even looked almost happy.  
  
"It's all yours." said Jesse. "But you have to eat it in the van. OK?"  
  
"Oh, thank you, Jeshe! Nibblesh ish loving lettush!" She grabbed it in her forpaws and   
  
scurried back to the Tank II. She sat in the back and dug in, much to Doug and Danny's consternation.  
  
"There it is!" Trent pointed to the giant cockroach approaching.  
  
"A cockroach." Shadowcat shuddered. "Why did it have to be a cockroach?"  
  
"You were expecting the Attack of the 50 Foot Bunny?" Nightcrawler shrugged.  
  
"It's like," said Jesse. "A heavy handed metaphore, or something."  
  
"Let's do this!" Cyclops fired an optic blast at Spanky. It hissed and waved its feelers in anger. It crawled towards them.  
  
"Fuck off, you goddammed six-legged freak!" shouted Foulmouth. The shockwave threw Spanky   
  
back, knocking into a half-built skyscraper. Hercules grabbed one of the foundation girders to   
  
keep it from falling. Beast grabbed another. A gossamer thread grabbed the upper half of the   
  
building an tugged it back into place. A scarlet clad figure swung down and joined them.  
  
"Hiya." he said, bracing against a support beam. "Name's Spider-Man. Thought I'd help you   
  
keep this giant bug from destroying the city. First, let's keep this building from crushing anyone."  
  
"Are you strong?" Hercules asked.  
  
"Listen, Bud! I've got radioactive blood!"  
  
"We're not enough!" Beast. "If we had one more," he grunted against the weight. "With super strength," another grunt. "To hold onto the fourth support, we might make it."  
  
"Sorry," Spidy was grunting with exertion himself. "My webs are a bit busy keeping the roof from tumbling. " Hercules wished he had Sir Stretchalot's powers. Suddenly, a small slip of a girl with a short shock of brown hair rushed to the scene. Before Hercules could yell for her to get out of the way, she grabbed the fourth support girder and pushed with all her might. The building finally seemed like it was easing back into place.  
  
Spanky was hissing and skittering down Broadway at top speed, knocking down billboards as   
  
it went. "Hey, Rogue, I got an idea." said Toad. "You know how a roach motel works, right? It's   
  
got this sticky stuff that glues down the roach's legs..."  
  
"I see where you're goin'." she said. "But I don't think even you can produce that much slime."  
  
"Yeah, but, maybe you could, y'know, zap me-just a little- and we could both do it."  
  
Rogue thought it over a minute and removed her glove. "I've done it with Kitty. This might hurt a little."  
  
"I'm no stranger to pain." He brushed his fingers against hers for half a second. Shock and nausea waved over Toad, but only for a minute. Rogue looked dazed. "C'mon! Let's squash this bug!" They leaped in front of Spanky and coated the street before it in viscous green slime. Spanky stepped in it, and for a minute, looked stuck. Then it raised up a front leg with a crumbling chunk of pavement still attached. The other front leg was soon free simularly. "Oh shit!" Toad grabbed Rogue and hopped off to safety in a back ally.  
  
"I think we're safe here." he said. When Rogue didn't respond, Toad looked at her. Tears   
  
were rolling down her cheeks and she was biting her lip to keep from sobbing. Whoa, is Rogue crying? This is unreal. "Listen, Rogue...Marie, I know that was pretty scary back there, but we're OK, yo."  
  
"Todd," she whispered. "I didn't mean to, but I got some of your memories." She wrapped her arms around him and held him tight. "I'm so sorry!"  
  
"Look, Marie," he patted her back. "I know my life ain't been no bowl of cherries, but, I   
  
survived, didn't I?"  
  
"If I ever find that sick bastard who did that to you, I'll kill him!"  
  
"Oh. You, you got that memory. I've been tryin' to forget it."  
  
"Todd, I think you need..."  
  
"Marie, don't say the C word. It was a long time ago, I've gotten over it."  
  
"You don't just 'get over' something like this!"  
  
"Look, there's nothing anyone can do about it. Taking down this giant roach is more important anyways." He hopped away, ending the discusion.  
  
Cyclops fired more blasts at Spanky. Spyke shot spines at it. Jean tried to contact Spanky's mind, only to receive an angry hum like a hornets' nest. She had only marginal success in using her TK to subdue it. Spider-Man hit it from behind with his webbing. He found himself being dragged down the street behind the insect like a strange water skier. Everything they did only made Spanky hiss and thrash in anger. It lashed out a sticky foreleg and grabbed Shadowcat, who gave a scream of sheer terror.  
  
"Katzchen!" Nightcrawler screamed as Spanky crawled away on five legs. It skittered up the side of the Chrysler Building.  
  
"Flame on!" Flamin' Jane shouted. She flew up to the giant insect perched on the Chrysler   
  
building. Storm and Jean Grey followed. Spanky swatted at the flying mutants as Shadowcat shrieked in its grasp.  
  
"Shadowcat," Storm tried to stay calm. "Just phase through. I'll catch you."  
  
"It's no use." said Jean. "She's hysterical with fear. She can't hear us."  
  
"I'll burn through its leg." said Flamin' Jane. "One of you catch her."  
  
"I'll slow her fall with my TK." said Jean. "And you can grab her, Storm."  
  
"Very good. Positions!" Flamin' Jane soared higher above the insect. Jean perched on a   
  
gargoyle so she could focus her TK. Storm swooped lower. Jane fired a flame jet at the leg holding Shadowcat. Spanky whipped its leg out of the line of fire, causing its hostage to shriek just before vommiting. The errant flame jet knocked Storm out of her position. Jean turned on her TK to lower her safely to the ground. Oh my God, thought Flamin' Jane. I really hurt someone! Just then, Shadowcat lost all conscousness and phased through the insect's leg.  
  
Nightcrawler had been watching the whole scene with his heart in his throat. When he saw his beloved plummet, he did the only thing he could do. He teleported hundreds of feet in the air, grabbed her tight, and 'ported back to the ground in a span of seconds.  
  
Phantom saw Nightcrawler standing there with Shadowcat lying limp in his arms. His eyes   
  
swam with tears. "She's not breathing." he said. "Tell me you can do something for her."  
  
"Lay her down." He did so. "She's gone into convulsions. I'll just open her airway." She   
  
tilted the younger girl's head back. Phantom felt Shadowcat's carteroid artery. "She's got a pulse. I'll give her a few puffs." She pinched her patient's nose shut and breathed into her mouth four times. Nightcrawler took Shadowcat's hand and murmered something in German. Phantom guessed it to be a prayer. "OK, she's breathing now, barely. Help me roll her over." He helped her roll Shadowcat onto her front. Phantom arranged her limbs so that one arm and one leg were perfectly straight and the other arm and leg were bent at right angles. "Recovery position." Phantom explained. "It'll make it easier for her to breathe."  
  
"She-she's so...pale." Nightcrawler's voice was choked.  
  
"She's going into shock. I'll find something to cover her with. Stay with her." He had no   
  
other intentions.  
  
Jean was holding an injured Storm in a sitting position. Flamin' Jane landed nearby. "Omigod, I'm so sorry!" she cried.  
  
"Accidents happen." Storm winced. The front of her costume had been scorched. An angry looking burn covered her abdomen. "I could use some ice, though."  
  
"Great idea." said Phantom. "If you want to peel like a frog on a cheese grater tomorrow.   
  
We need some cold running water and get that spandex off her. Storm, I need your cape. Kitty's   
  
gone into shock."  
  
Storm removed her cape as Jane tore the spandex unitard. Jean used her TK to open a nearby hydrant.  
  
Meanwhile, in the Tank II, Doug and Danny finished mixing their compound. "How can we be   
  
sure it works?" asked Doug. Danny turned to Nibbles, who was gnawing the heart of the lettuce   
  
head, and poured some of the chemical on her. She suddenly shrunk to the size of a normal,   
  
unmutated hamster.  
  
"Say something, Nibbles." said Danny. She only skittered mindlessly on the floor of the van.   
  
"Good, it works." said Doug. "But how do we douse Spanky with it?"  
  
Danny had an idea. "Follow me!" The two boys grabbed the bucketful of compound they made   
  
and ran down the street. They stopped outside FAO Shwartz.   
  
"Danny! This is no time to add to your toy robot collection!" said Doug. Danny ignored him and went inside. He bought two Super Soakers. "Sweet." Doug saw what Danny was getting at.  
  
It wasn't to hard to find Spanky, seeing as how it was perched on the Chrysler Building   
  
doing a perfect impression of King Kong. "OK, smart guy." said Doug. "Just how do we reach him?"  
  
"I can help with that." said Storm from the gutter she was lying near. Her uniform had been torn open, her sports bra lending only a modicum of modesty. Jean was focusing the water onto the burn.  
  
"You can't, Storm." said Jean. "You need to lie still."  
  
"I can still control the winds, Jean. I'll help Danny, you use your TK on the other one."  
  
"My name is Doug!" he protested. "Doug Boothrooooooooooooooyd!" Jean had already lifted him into the air. Danny was blown skywards. As soon as they were in range, they pumped up the Super Soakers and opened fire. Spanky was covered in ooze. It thrashed for a moment and started to shrink.  
  
"Keep at it, Doug!" yelled Danny. "Give him the whole batch!"  
  
As Spanky shrank, it lost its grip on the spire and plummeted to the street below. By the   
  
time it hit the ground, it was only 3 inches long.  
  
Toad quivered at the sight. Not more than 5 feet from him was a big, juicy roach, lying   
  
flat on its back, its legs wiggling enticingly. He shot out his tongue and gulped it down while   
  
everyone shouted a collective "Oh gross!"  
  
"Spanky!" wailed Doug. "Nooooooooooooooooo!!!!"  
  
"Todd, you said you weren't gonna do that anymore!" Rogue scolded.  
  
"I-I can't help it!" Toad protested. "I'm weak!"  
  
Shadowcat stirred under Storm's cape. "Ummm...what happened? Am I dead?"  
  
"Nein, Katzchen. You are very much alive." He took her in his arms and squeezed her close   
  
to him. "I was so scared!"  
  
"You were scared?" She hugged him tight. "I was the one being swung hundreds of feet off   
  
the ground by a mutated roach!"  
  
"I love you Kitty!"  
  
"What?"  
  
He let her go. Did he just say that out loud? He knew what was coming and braced himself.   
  
"Go ahead and do it." he sighed.  
  
"Do...what?"  
  
"Go on, I know you want to. If it'll make you feel better."  
  
"Kurt, what are you..."  
  
"Go on, right across the cheek. Just get it over with!" He shut his eyes tight and stealed himself for the slap he knew was coming.  
  
"Well, OK." She leaned forward and kissed him on the cheek. Nightcrawler's eyes popped open.  
  
"I-I wasn't expecting that."  
  
"Were you expecting this?" She pulled him close and gave him a tender kiss on the lips.   
  
"Am I a better kisser than Griselda?"  
  
"Ah, I, uh, kinda made that up. I didn't really want to talk about Tabitha. It wasn't a very good experience."  
  
"So, I'm a better kisser than Tabby?"  
  
"Much better!"  
  
"Am I better kisser than Amanda?"  
  
Kurt needed a moment to think. "I'm not sure. I think I need to kiss you more to find out."  
  
Just then, Kitty felt something skitter across her feet. She gave a little yell and cringed in Kurt's arms. Crawly things were going to make her jumpy for a few days. Kurt saw what it was. It was a little hamster with white and gold-brown fur. He let it crawl into his hand."It's only a hamster, Katzchen." he said gently. "Hey, guess which movie this is." Kurt   
  
set Nibbles on his shoulder, pointed at her and said in The World's Worst Cajun Accent, "I done   
  
tamed me dat mouse!" Kitty laughed.  
  
Jesse came up to them. He took up his pet. "Nibbles?" he asked, looking into her shiny,   
  
beady eyes. He shook his head. "I guess it's better this way."  
  
As they all began cleaning the mess Spanky made, the small brown haired girl that had helped secure the building approached. She was wearing faded jeans, a yellow tank top and a pale green sweatshirt tied around her waist. She carried a duffle bag. "Excuse me," she said in a small, shy voice. "Do any of you know Charles Xavier?"  
  
"He's a dear friend of mine." said Beast. "A friend to all mutants. What's your name, miss?"  
  
"Raianne Michaels." she had a Texas twang in her voice. "I saw Mr. Xavier on TV talking 'bout mutants and how they oughta be treated like human beings. I knew there wasn't no place left for me back in Landover, Texas, so I hitch-hiked my way here."  
  
"Welcome to the team, Miss Michaels." Beast held out a massive blue paw. Raianne shook it.  
  
Rogue and Todd cleared away some debris on 42nd Street. "Hey, uh, Marie." he said. "Do me   
  
a favor? Don't tell nobody 'bout what you saw in my head. I don't want them to start being all   
  
nice to me just 'cuz they feel sorry for me."  
  
"I won't tell, Todd." she promised. This explains so much. She thought. Why he kept himself so filthy for so long, why he gets antsy whenever I get too dominant when we're making out. Why he has trouble trusting anyone. "Todd, I still think you need to see..."  
  
"I'm not seein' anyone Marie." he said flatly. "It hurts just thinkin' about it. I don't   
  
ever want to talk about it."  
  
"Alright, have it your way." she sighed.  
  
"Marie." he said after an uncomfortable silence. "Do you still wanna be my girlfriend? Even knowin' about..."  
  
"Todd, listen. I know you've done a few things in your life that you ain't proud of. But   
  
this is one time that you were completly blameless. It wasn't your fault."   
  
Todd hugged her close. "I've told myself that a thousand times, and never believed it." he whispered. "I needed to hear that from someone else."  
  
Jesse put a street lamp back in its place while Magma wielded it back together. (Jane was   
  
helping Jean replace the billboard for /Mamma Mia!/) Danny and Doug swept away broken glass. "Danny," said Jesse. "I hoped you learned something from this."  
  
Danny looked uncomfortable. "I-I tampered in God's domain. And-and it was wrong. I'm sorry."  
  
"You do realize you're grounded for a week."  
  
"I guess so." Danny sighed.  
  
"And let that be a lesson to you." Jesse went back to cleaning up.  
  
"Oh, Danny." Doug sighed sympatheticly.  
  
When New York was more or less how they found it, the heros returned to Central Park. The   
  
Tank II was up on blocks and the Blackbird was covered in graffiti.  
  
"Who did this?" Logan demanded. "I'll kill the little punk!"  
  
Kurt inspected the graffiti. "You'll have to find someone named 'Crypt' and someone named   
  
'Blood', who apparantly doesn't like Crypt."  
  
"I'll explain it to you later." said Evan. "Right now, we gotta get Aunt Ro back to the   
  
Institute."  
  
"Whoa," said Danny. "That is the single coolest jet I've ever seen!"  
  
"Ja," said Kurt. "And Logan's going to make me repaint it."  
  
Danny turned to Kurt. "Cool! It's Drizzt Do'Urden!"  
  
"Who?"  
  
"Forgotten Realms, R.A Salvatore?" Kurt shook his head. None of the names were ringing any bells. "I'll tell you all about it on the plane."   
  
The X Men let the Formidable Four stay at the X Mansion while the Tank II was being repaired. Danny and Doug volunteered to use their mutagen on the Terror Bears, who had been in suspended animation for the longest time. When they were done, the Terror Bears were no more than 4 roly-poly bear cubs who chased each other playfully. "What do we do with them now?" asked Danny.  
  
"We could release them into the wild." Scott suggested.  
  
Logan shook his head. "Without Mama Bear, these cubs won't last 5 minutes in the wild."  
  
"We can take them to the zoo." was Scott's second suggestion.  
  
"Great." said Daria. "And next week, we'll take them to the movies."  
  
"You do know that joke's older'n I am, right darlin'?" asked Logan.  
  
"Someone had to say it." she shrugged.  
  
As Logan started calling zoos to ask if they'd accept 4 orphaned bear cubs, Daria went down to the library. Beast and Professor Xavier were there, talking and having tea. "Sorry, am I interupting you?" she asked.  
  
"Not at all." said Beast. "I was just telling the professor about you. Have a seat." Daria sat on one of the nuagahyde chairs. "You're a remarkably intelligent young lady, Daria. And you make an excellent field nurse. Ever consider studying medicine?"  
  
"I'd have a terrible bedside manner."   
  
"Well, whatever you choose to do in life, I'm confident you'll succeed. Tea?"  
  
"Yes, thank you." Beast poured her a cup. "I've never tasted this before. What blend is it?"  
  
"My personal favorite." said Xavier. "Earl Grey."  
  
Somehow, that seemed appropriate. "Have you read /Crime and Punishment/, Daria?" asked Beast.  
  
"It's on my 'to read' list."  
  
"You can borrow my coppy." Beast handed her a thick hardback book. "I've finished reading it."  
  
"Thank you, but I'd like to finish reading this Steven King I'm in the middle of. I think he might be a mutant himself. Most of his characters could be classified as mutants. You know what they say, write what you know."  
  
"You have a point." said Beast. "Carrie White, John Coffey, Doc... they all seem to have   
  
mutant abbilities."  
  
Xavier was just giving his opinion on the metaphor behind /Needful Things/ when they heard a ruckus coming from the living room. "I'll go check it out." Daria volunteered.   
  
Kelly and Kitty had been sitting on the couch watching TV as Daria had tea with Beast and   
  
Xavier while their respective pets laid in their laps. Kurt and Jesse returned from a trip to the mall. "Guess who?" asked Kurt, covering Kitty's eyes.  
  
"Hmmm, furry hands. Could only be...Keanu Reeves?"  
  
"Close enough." He sat next to her and gave her a kiss. Jesse took the armchair.  
  
"Oh, Jesse," said Kelly. "The garage called. Your van will be ready this evening."  
  
"Cool."  
  
"We spent the whole night repainting the Blackbird." Kurt sighed.  
  
"Poor baby." said Kitty, hugging him. "What'd you get at the mall?"  
  
"I went to Stable & King and picked up a few books." Kurt took them out of a bag. "Danny   
  
recommended that I read /Homeland/ before any of the Drizzt saga. I also got this Dungeons and   
  
Dragons players handbook. Danny's invited me to join his role playing group."  
  
"You should've seen him when I introduced him to Lockheed." said Kitty. "He said there was nothing in the Monster Manuel about purple dragons. He totally confused me when he asked what alignment he was."  
  
"Plus, Jesse's been teaching me Spanish, and I've taught him a little German."  
  
"Donkey chains." said Jesse.  
  
"Grassy ass." Kurt repled. "I also got /The Complete Idiot's Guide to Astrology/." Kurt   
  
took it out and opened it. "Jesse, what's your sign?"  
  
"Pisces."  
  
Kurt looked it up. "It says here, Pisces are daydreamers."  
  
"Huh?" said Jesse. "I didn't hear you. Must've been daydreaming again."  
  
"It also says they're very gullible."  
  
"If you say so." Jesse shrugged.  
  
"What did you get, Jesse?" asked Kelly, looking at the cardboard box with holes that Jesse had brought with him.  
  
"I got a friend for Nibbles." He opened the box and took out a plump black hamster. "Kurt   
  
suggested I name him Schwartz. I think it's a good name."  
  
Suddenly, Puss leapt from Kelly's lap to Jesse. Schwartz scrambled from Jesse's hand and   
  
fell to the floor, Puss in persuit of what she perceived to be a free meal. "No, Puss!" Kelly   
  
yelled getting to her feet. "Bad cat!" She started chasing Puss while Jesse tried to grab Schwartz. Lockheed, thinking this was a new game, pounced into the chase. Kitty chased after her dragon. Kurt just decided to kick back and read more on Astrology, occasionally lifting his feet or ducking his head to avoid the chase.  
  
Daria came in to see 3 animals and 3 people racing around the living room. Kurt casually   
  
used his tail to save a vase Puss nearly knocked over and turned a page. "What the Hell is going on?" Daria asked.  
  
"Oh, you know," Kurt sighed. "Just another day at the X Mansion. You know, I think I might really be a Gemini after all."  
  
IN THE NEXT ISSUE OF THE FORMIDABLE FOUR:  
  
Remember kids, just say no!  
  
The next chapter is also in progress. Our heros go up against drug dealers. No title yet.  
  
Spanish translations:  
  
Escuchen = listen (When addressing 2 or more people)  
  
Buenos dias = Good day.  
  
Por favor = please  
  
When Kurt says 'grassy ass' at the end, he's trying to say 'gracias'.(Thank you.) Last time I  
  
put him in an FF fic he lamented the sad lack of quality chocolate in the states.  
  
Kar: Hey, Kurt. Cheer up. There's places where you can get Lindt bars stateside. Here, have one.  
  
(Throws Kurt a chocolate/raspberry Lindt bar.)  
  
Kurt: For me? Dankeschoen! Dankeschoen! (Jumps in Kar's arms and peppers his/her face with kisses.)  
  
Hey, Kar, I'm curious. Are you a girl or a guy? It's not important, I'm just curious. And Kurt  
  
doesn't care either, as long as you keep him in chocolate.  
  
I know a little German. (Kurt: Hey, who are you calling little?)  
  
Guten Tag = Good day  
  
Ja = yes  
  
Schwartz = black  
  
Hast du etwas Zeit fuer mich Dann singe ein Lied fuer Dich Von 99 Luftballoons Auf ihrem zum  
  
Horizont = You have a little time for me when I sing a song for you of 99 (airborne)balloons  
  
up over the horizon. Interrestingly, "Lied" can translate as either "song" or "air". Perhaps  
  
this was a pun that didn't translate well? The orriginal version sounds better. The English   
  
lyrics don't have the right rhythm and Nene sounds like Elmer Fudd. (Send the twoops out in a  
  
huwwy.)   
  
When Jesse says 'donkey chains' he's trying to say 'dankeschoen'. (Thank you)  
  
I also think Kurt might have been born under Gemini, adopted under Cancer. He has the dual persona thing. (Kurt Wagner-the cute, semi-normal German teenager/Nightcrawler-the furry blue demon.)The animal best associated with Gemini is the monkey. He has long, graceful arms and likes to chat with other people. What really made me decide he's Gemini was this astrology book I read thatcontained quotes from kids born under different signs. A girl born under Gemini said "SometimesI wish I could snap my fingers and poof, be somewhere else." Yep, that's the 'crawler. Cancers(AKA Moon Children) have an intense love for thier friends and family. He definatly has that, but it seems to be the only Cancer trait he really has.  
  
Happy Thanksgiving! 


	16. Drugs Are Bad, M'kay

"Oh no!" said Jane. "No way are we doing this!"  
  
"We have to." said Daria. "It's a law enacted by First Lady Nancy Reagan in '85." Daria read an official looking document. "All television programs aimed at viewers between the ages of 6 and 18 shall have at least one episode confronting the issue of drug abuse. Drug use shall not be glorified or otherwise shown in a positive light. The characters will learn a valuable lesson from the experience as will the young viewers."  
  
"But this isn't a TV show!" Jane protested. "It's a fan fic!"  
  
"Section C, paragraph 2." Daria sighed. "Should said program fail to produce an anti-drug  
  
episode, a fan fiction author will be chosen at random to write one." She looked up. "Tough luck, cygna."  
  
"We covered alcoholism." Jane said.  
  
"Yeah, as the B story in the series finale. Mrs. Reagan specified drug use."  
  
"Can we still use our super powers and beat up monsters?"  
  
"Absofreakinglutly."   
  
JUST SAY NO  
  
The school year started normally in Lawndale. It was a few weeks into the school year that Daria realized something strange was happening. It was the usual morning. Jake read the paper. Helen talked to Eric on her cell. Daria helped herself to OJ and toaster pastries. Quinn came downstairs with a scarf wrapped around her head. Helen noticed her. "Quinn, come and have breakfast."  
  
"Can't. Makesmefat." she said quickly, sprinting out the door.  
  
"Why was she wearing that scarf?" Helen asked.  
  
"Who's wearing a scarf?" Jake asked, finally looking up from his paper.  
  
"Your daughter, dear."  
  
He looked at Daria. "Daria's not wearing a scarf."  
  
Helen sighed. "Your /other/ daughter. You know, the one who /isn't/ desperate to marry out of the family." Daria shot her mother an angry glare. Helen shot back an angrier one. Their  
  
relationship had gotten even more precarious when Daria stood up to her.  
  
Daria walked to Jane's house. Trent's Ford pulled up. Jane and Jesse were in the back. "Need a lift?" asked Trent.  
  
She got in. "Guess what!" said Jane. "Jesse's going to be a grandfather!"  
  
"Excuse me?" Daria replied.  
  
"Schwartz, that new hamster I got," he explained. "Kinda got Nibbles pregnant. This book I got about hamsters says that when the pups are born I gotta keep Schwartz seperate from them. The males sometimes eat the babies."  
  
"What some guys do to get out of paying child support." Trent shook his head.   
  
"Well, my mother still hates me." said Daria. "My Dad is still clueless yet lovable. And my sister is back on the Skip-Breakfast-and-Pass-Out-During-PE Diet. She was also wearing a head scarf for some reason."  
  
"Converting to Islam?" Jane suggested.  
  
"Why not?" Daria shrugged. "I hear femenine oppression is all the rage this season."  
  
"Good one, Daria." laughed Trent.  
  
Jane noticed something peculiar when they got to school. Many of the students had extra appendages. Some had tails, some had horns, some had snouts.   
  
"It's the School of Dr. Moreau." said Daria.  
  
"Oh, yeah," said Jane. "I smell plothook."  
  
Daria noticed her sister whispering and giggling with the fashion club. Tiffany had a long tail and was covered in short tawny fur with brown spots. She had streaks under her eyes like a cheetah. Stacy had antlers like an antelope and had several sparkly baubles hanging off the prongs. Brooke had grown an extra set of arms and was using them to her advantage; brushing her hair and putting on make-up at the same time. Quinn removed her scarf to reveal a pair of long, pointed ears that she could move independantly.  
  
"Kurt would love it here." said Jane. "He'd fit right in."  
  
"Hi Daria! Hi Jane!" Brittany squeeked. "Look what I got!" She also had a pair of long ears. Hers were slender and covered in short white fur, like a rabbit's.  
  
"OK, joke's over." Jane tried to tug one of the ears off.  
  
"Ow! Don't do that!" Brittany whined.  
  
"That's some strong adhesive you got there." said Jane.  
  
"I didn't use anything adversive." said Brittany. "These are mine, for real! And look! I got a cute powder-puff tail to match!" She turned around and lifted up her skirt.  
  
"Brittany," Daria sighed. "The last thing I ever want to see is your ass, powder-puff tail or not."   
  
"Hey, babe!" said Kevin, dragging himself down the hall on hairy gorilla-like arms. "Check me out!"  
  
"Ooh, Kevvie! Your muscles are so big and ripply!" She embraced him.  
  
"Hey, Diane Fossey," said Daria. "Care to explain what's going on?"  
  
"Shyeah, like she'd explain anything to a couple of norms like you." said Kevin.   
  
"You can't even get my name right! It's Brit-ta-ny. Not Diane Falsie or whatever."  
  
"Later, losers." The two walked away.  
  
"Kevin isn't usually that rude." said Jane.  
  
"Come, Lane." said Daria. "The game's afoot." The bell rang. "We'll check up on it after English."  
  
"Wonder who the substitute will be this time?" Jane wondered as they sat in class. Since Mr. O'Niel had been institutionalized for aiding and abbetting Man-Hater, they had a string of substitutes for English.  
  
The new teacher was tall, craggy, with salt and pepper hair and patch over his left eye. "Listen up, kids." he said in a no nonsense voice. "Since your regular teacher is up in the funny farm, I'm gonna be your teacher for a while." He wrote his name on the board. "My name is Mr. Fury. You call me either that or sir. Do I make myself clear?"  
  
"Mr. Furry." said Brittany. "How did you lose your eye?"  
  
"That's Fury. And none of your damn business! Now, open your books to page 36. We're gonna read about Walt Whitman."  
  
"Ooh, I just love his chocolate samplers!" squealed Brittany.  
  
Mr. Fury pulled Brittany to a standing position by pulling on one of her rabbit ears. "Listen good, girly. You open your mouth one more time and I'll be wearing your foot on my keychain. Do we have an understanding?"  
  
"Yes sir." she said meekly.  
  
Mr. Fury dropped Brittany back in her seat and went up to the board where he wrote notes on /Leaves of Grass/. I think I'm gonna like this guy. thought Daria.  
  
After English, Daria slipped up on the Fashion Club. "So, anyway," Quinn was saying. "I'm thinking of going back tonight. See if he has anything that will get me a tail, preferably a long fluffy one like a fox."  
  
"Hey, Quinn, isn't that your cousin or whatever?" For once, Tiffany's speech wasn't nauseatingly slow.  
  
"Go /away/, Daria." Quinn huffed.  
  
"I just want to know where you're going back to tonight." she said. "And who's giving you the tail?"  
  
"Don't you know it's, like, rude to listen in on people's conversations?" Brooke folded one pair of arms and let the other pair of arms rest on her hips.   
  
"Yeah," said Stacy. "And why should we tell a norm like you anything?"  
  
"Sorry, Daria." said Quinn. "You have to earn your tail if you wanna be cool like us."  
  
Over lunch, Daria and Jane discussed the clues they pieced together. "OK," said Daria. "Quinn's exact words were 'See if he has anything that will get me a tail.' I'm guessing that means everyone is taking something that causes them to mutate."  
  
"I've noticed that everyone seems a bit closed mouthed about the whole thing." said Jane.  
  
Jodi sat with them, looking sad, but unmutated. "Hey, guys." she said.  
  
"What's wrong, Jodi?" asked Jane.   
  
"Mac just told me I'm not 'cool' just because I don't have fur or a tail like everyone else." Mac was sitting at a table with some other football players. He sported a spiky tail like a stegosaurus. Jodi picked at her food. "He's never been like this before."  
  
"That's another thing I've noticed." said Daria. "Whatever they're taking to give them these mutations is also giving them an attitude."  
  
"Hey guys." said Mima, sitting with them. "The three of you are practically the only ones who don't have any extra body parts."  
  
"What do you make of this, Mima?" asked Jodi.  
  
Mima looked around to make sure no one was listening. "OK, it's like this. You see that guy with the spines on his head? His name's Peter. He's in my biology class. I went out with him last weekend. He offered me some little red pills. I told him on no uncertain terms that my parents would have my ass on a platter if I took drugs. Then he took off his hat and showed me the spines. I freaked out and ran. Sorry that I can't give you more info."  
  
"Lane, Morgendorfer." They turned to see Mr. Fury. "I want to have a word with the two of you. Alone."   
  
They went with him into the English classroom. Mr. Fury closed the door. If he tries anything funny, thought Jane, he's getting a fireball up the ass.   
  
"So, Phantom and Flamin' Jane." he said. "Pleased to make your acquaintance."  
  
"You're not a real teacher, are you." Daria made a statement, not a question.  
  
Mr. Fury smiled. "You're quick, Phantom. Quicker than any of the morons who attend this school. I'll cut to the chase. The drug is called ReNew. It's being sold under the highway a couple blocks east of here."  
  
"How do you know this, and why are you telling us?" asked Jane.  
  
"That ain't important." said Mr. Fury. "But this is. You didn't hear it from me. Do we have an understanding?"  
  
"If we don't," said Daria. "you'll wear our feet on your keychain."  
  
"Get out." He opened the door.  
  
After school, Daria and Jane waited in the parking lot to be picked up by their boyfriends, eager to tell them what was happening. They saw Danny standing by the bike rack, looking too depressed to move.  
  
"Hey, future brother-in-law." said Jane. "What's wrong? Computer system crash?"  
  
"My best friend Artie won't talk to me." he said saddly. "He says I'm not cool like he is. He now has Vulcan ears and antennae like an Andorran. Not fake ones either."  
  
"Wow." said Daria. "Next thing you know, he'll want a tail like a Talaxian."  
  
"Talaxians don't have tails." said Danny.  
  
"Geek test!" said Daria. Danny shook his head and unlocked his bicycle.  
  
"There's no way I'm gonna get a girlfriend now." he lamented. "For some strange reason everyone now thinks deformities are cool. I'm an even bigger loser than I was before."  
  
"You're not a loser, Danny." said Jane. "And not all girls are on the freak wagon. Daria and yours truly for example."  
  
"You're engaged." Danny pointed out.  
  
"There's Jodi Landon." Jane added.  
  
"Has a boyfriend."  
  
"They're on the outs right now." said Daria. "And Mima isn't seeing anyone."  
  
"Jodi and Mima are both older than me." Danny tucked the chain in his book bag. "Girls usually don't like guys to be younger than them."  
  
"Isn't Iggy Tyler your age?" Jane suggested.  
  
"Yeah, but she's not exactly girlfriend material."  
  
"How so?" asked Daria.  
  
"Well, she's a good friend, really smart, hell of a roll player, but just not what I'd call a girlfriend."  
  
"Because she's non-threatening?" said Jane.  
  
"Non-threatening, plug-ugly." shrugged Daria. "Means the same thing to a guy."  
  
"That's not what I meant!" said Danny. "I meant...ah, hell, I don't know what I mean."  
  
Trent's Ford soon drove up. "Hey, Danny," said Jesse. "Wanna ride home with us?"  
  
"Nah," Danny sighed. "I know you guys like to be, you know, couples."  
  
"Actually," said Daria. "We might need Danny. Formidable Four business."  
  
"In that case," said Danny. "Just give me a couple of minutes to disassemble my bike." He took out his trusty screwdriver and started taking the bike apart.  
  
"What adventure are we up for this time?" Trent asked as Jesse put bicycle parts in the trunk. "Giant rats taking over the school?"  
  
"Everyone in school is willingly turning themselves into walking freak shows." They all got in the car. "It's a drug being sold under the highway called ReNew. We suspect it may be mind altering as well as body altering. I believe what we should do is go down to the highway tonight, secure a sample and have Danny here analize it."  
  
"Uh, no can do." said Danny.  
  
"Why?" asked Daria. "You do chemistry."  
  
"My forte is electronics and gadgeteering. I only dabble in chemistry."  
  
Jane slapped her forehead. "Danny, you 'dabble' in watercolors. You 'dabble' in poetry. You do not 'dabble' in chemistry!"  
  
"My Aunt Amy's a chemist." said Daria. "She'd probably help us."   
  
Daria borrowed Trent's cell phone. "Hello." Aunt Amy answered.  
  
"Aunt Amy, it's me, Daria."  
  
"Hey, how's my favorite niece?"  
  
"Um, Aunt Amy, the Formidable Four needs your help. Some people are selling drugs to the students and we need someone who can analize a sample of the drug. How soon can you get here?"  
  
"I'll leave as soon as I hang up the phone."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"I just got back from a business trip in Bangor. The phone rang as soon as I got in the house. I'm still packed. I can drive to Lawndale in a little over an hour."  
  
"Great. See you then."  
  
Trent and Daria met Amy outside the Morgendorfer house. "So, you're Daria's fiance." she said when she met Trent. "She's told me all about you. You know, you're a lot better looking when you're not a walking popsicle."  
  
They shook hands. "I wasn't a walking popscicle, Miss Barksdale. I was so frozen I couldn't walk. Had to have Jesse carry me around for awhile."  
  
"Please, call me Amy. And let's try to put the whole Slashers business behind us."  
  
They got in the car. "Jesse's brother Danny has a lab set up in their garage."  
  
"What form is the drug in?" asked Amy.  
  
"Mima said it was little red pills." said Daria.  
  
They were greeted at the Moreno house by Luis, who was just leaving. "Are you going to blow up my house?" he asked Amy.  
  
"Do you want us to?" she replied.  
  
"My house has taken much damage latly. First, my older son tears up the stairs with a chainsaw to keep zombies from getting at me and a little girl. Then a cucacaracha grande tears holes in my doors! My sons, I love them, but they are loco. Well, I must be leaving. Adios."  
  
"You guys have been busy." Amy remarked.  
  
Daria reintroduced Amy to Jane and Jesse. "Nice to know you when we're not running for our lives." said Jane.  
  
"Where's Danny?" said Amy. "I'd like him to show me his lab."  
  
"He's in his room." said Jesse. "I'll get him."   
  
Jesse knocked on Danny's door. "What?" he answered surily.  
  
Jesse cracked open the door. "Danny? Miss Barksdale's here. She wants you to show her the lab equipment."  
  
"You show her." Danny hadn't budged from the bed he was reclining on.  
  
"Danny, you know I don't understand any of that stuff you got put together." He sat on the edge of Danny's bed. Danny's room had walls of shelves loaded with his toy robot collection and several role playing and fantasy books. "What's wrong, really?"  
  
"I can't face her. Jesse, that woman and I were captives together. She-she saw me cry!" Danny blushed at the admission. He let no one see him cry, not even Jesse.  
  
"So?" Jesse shrugged. "I had a nervous breakdown on international TV. C'mon, She really wants to meet you."  
  
Danny reluctantly came down. "H-hi, Miss Barksdale." he said nervously.  
  
"Hello, Danny." said Amy. "And I told you, you can call me Amy. Now, why don't you show me your lab?"  
  
He showed her the garage. "It's not much." he admitted. "I kinda havta scrounge for parts. You've probably got a big fancy one at DuPont."  
  
"Yes, Danny." said Amy. "A big fancy laboratory with big fancy technitions always under foot." She looked at the assorted lab tools. "Yes, this will suffice for a simple analysis. All I need is a sample."  
  
"We'll get that tonight." said Daria. "Under the highway, after dark."  
  
"You be careful, OK?" said Amy.   
  
"Anyone for pizza?" asked Trent, taking out his cell phone.   
  
They left for the highway at dusk. They saw two vans parked under the overpass near the warehouse district. Some strange looking characters were milling about. The Formidable Four watched from Trent's car. "I'll go first." said Daria, going invisible. She walked right up to the scene of the crime. She halted dead in her tracks when she heard her sister's voice.  
  
"So, this stuff will make me grow a tail, right?" she was saying.  
  
"Look, doll," the dealer was saying. "I don't make no guarantees. Ya takes your chances."  
  
"Whatever." Quinn sighed. "Here's your two-hundred."  
  
"Uh-uh, doll." said the dealer. "Price went up to two-fifty."  
  
"What! It was just two-hundred last time!"  
  
"Supply and demand, doll, supply and demand! However, I'm willin' to negotiate with a pretty thing like you. Tail for a tail. How's that sound?"  
  
Daria gave the dealer a slap kick to the kidneys. He went down. "Quinn, run!" Daria shouted.  
  
"Daria! Is that you?" she asked.  
  
"No, it's Casper the Friendly Ghost." The dealer moved to get up. Daria kicked him in the jaw. "Go home, Quinn!"  
  
"Why?" Quinn demanded. "You affraid I might become cooler than you?"  
  
"Now is neither the time nor the place." The dealer's goons had been alerted and an invisible Daria had to fight them off. "Go home."  
  
"NO!" Quinn said defiantly. "Ever since you became a super hero everything's been about you! You're just holding me back!" A ball of fire exploded just a few feet from Quinn.  
  
"Go HOME Quinn!" Jane ordered as she hovered in the air.  
  
Quinn ran away. "What the fuck is that?!" One of the goons shouted, pointing at Jane.  
  
"I don't know, homes," said another goon. "But I bet it ain't bullet proof!" He whipped out a pistol and fired twice at Jane. She conjured a sheet of fire to melt the bullets before they got to her. The two goons soon found themselves bound up in a pair of super flexible arms.  
  
"I don't like it when people try to shoot my sister." Trent said calmly.  
  
Jesse snatched the pistol away from the second goon. "Today is not a good day to be a bad guy." he said as he tore the gun apart like a cheap toy.  
  
"D-don't hurt me mister." stammered the first goon, as Jesse searched him for weapons. Jesse found a knife on him, which he broke in two.  
  
"Yeah," said the other one. "Don't waste time on small-time hoods like us. Go after him!" He nodded towards the dealer. "He's the one you want!"  
  
"Thanks." said Trent. "You know what to do, Jess." Jesse knocked the two goons heads together, just hard enough to knock them out for awhile. "Is is just me or did they sound like a couple of coconuts being knocked together?" A bullet bounced off Trent's rubbery skin, leaving a hole in his shirt. He turned to the goon that fired on him. "The one day I wear something clean..." he said, thoroughly annoyed. He turned to the shocked goon. He kept firing at Trent, only to see bullets bounce off him as his arms stretched for him. He soon ran out of bullets. He dropped the gun as Trent grabbed him. "Jesse, the Vulcan nerve pinch if you will."  
  
Jesse squeezed at the base of the goon's neck, decommisioning him.  
  
There was a fourth goon, but Jane had him trapped by several rings of fire. Daria trapped the dealer in a force field. The dealer banged at the walls of the force field. He whipped out a pistol. "I wouldn't do that if I were you." Daria said, becoming visible. The dealer fired at her, the bullet merely ricocheted off the invisible wall, nicking his arm. "I warned you."  
  
Jane landed near the trapped dealer. "You're gonna run out of air pretty soon." she said.  
  
"Or," said Daria. "I can make the bubble smaller untill it crushes him."  
  
"Ladies, ladies!" the dealer said nervously. "Let's talk this over!"  
  
"We want a sample of the drug." said Jane.  
  
"Drug? What drug?"   
  
"The drug you tried to get my sister to prostitute herself for!" said Daria.  
  
"Yeah, sure, you can have the drug, take all of it! Just, just lemme go."  
  
"Drop the gun." said Jane.   
  
The dealer dropped the gun. Daria nodded her head, signaling to Jane that the force field was gone. Jane threw a bolt of flame at the gun, melting it into a useless lump of iron. The dealer tried to make a run for it. Daria put an invisible wall in his way.   
  
"You're not leaving untill you answer a few questions!" said Daria.  
  
"I'm thinking torch to the groin." said Jane, conjuring a fireball in her hand.  
  
The dealer threw a packet of red pills at them. "Take 'em!" he said. "Go away!"  
  
Daria took up the packet. "Who is your supplier?" she asked.  
  
"Up yours, doll!"  
  
Jane brought a fireball dangerously close to the dealer's groin. "Who, is, your, supplier?" she said slowly.  
  
"She'll kill me!"   
  
"And that's preferable to a life with no genitalia?" asked Daria. "Now, who is your supplier?"  
  
"She calls herself The Duchess, that's all I know!"  
  
"Where can we find The Duchess?" asked Jane.  
  
"Go to Wonderland, ask for Alice." Jane threatened him with a fireball.  
  
"Where can we find The Duchess?" asked Daria.  
  
"The Duchess goes wherever she wants. How should I know where she is?"  
  
"For the last time," Jane's flames singed the dealer's slacks. "Where is The Duchess?"  
  
"I meet her at the Zen Club. She'll be there tomorrow night. Now let me go!"  
  
"Take over, Jess." said Jane, retracting the fireball. Jesse knocked the dealer out. They approached the goon trapped by the fire rings, surrounding him. Jane removed the flames. "You saw everything, didn't you?" she asked.  
  
The goon nodded. "You're gonna tell the police what you saw tonight, right?" asked Daria.  
  
"Who-who are you?" he asked.  
  
"We are the Formidable Four." said Trent. "And you should really rethink your life."  
  
"This might sting a little." Jesse said, knocking the goon out.  
  
Trent took out his cell and called the police. "Yeah, Sarge, Sir Stretchalot again... Dude, when do we /ever/ need back up? I need your boys to come over to the overpass in the warehouse district and clean house as it were...Five of them. All KOed for your convienence. Hercules is searching them for weapons as I speak...No problem. Later, dude."  
  
Danny stared at the floor with his shoulders hunched as Amy examined the sample through his microscope. He was trying not to have flashbacks to his captivity in Japan. He thought he had put that behind him. /"Let him go!"/ Amy had said to the guards. /"Can't you see he's scared? He's just a kid!"/ Just a kid. On some level Danny knew Amy had meant well, but those words still hurt.   
  
Amy crushed the pill to powder and examined it further. She mixed it with other chemicals and observed the effects.  
  
"Ever notice," said Jane. "that bad guys always need to be questioned 3 times before they give you any information?"  
  
"Wonder why that is?" mused Daria.  
  
"What do you find, Amy?" asked Trent.  
  
Amy shook her head. "I need a purer sample if we're going to find a cure. It seems street level ReNew is cut down so that it creates only one mutant out of a thousand. The rest will only acchieve strange appendages. Tails, antennae, extra arms and the like."  
  
"Tiffany." said Jane. "She was all muted out. Fur, ears, tail, super speed...well, super speed for her, anyway."  
  
"The chemicals used to make this drug," Amy continued. "are derived from an artificial component of the X gene. I strongly advise the four of you not to take the drug yourselves. It could be detrimental, perhaps even fatal to a mutant. All the more reason, Daria, for you to make sure Quinn doesn't take another dose."  
  
"Why?" asked Daria. "She's not a mutant."  
  
"No, but as your sister it is possible that she carries the X gene, even if she never mannifests. At least, that's what Professor Xavier wrote in an article posted in /Modern Science/ magazine."  
  
"Miss Amy," said Danny. "Jesse's my brother. Does that mean I have the X gene?"  
  
"It is possible." said Amy. "But, unless you really want to take your chances with radioactive nuclear waste, you may never manifest. However, should you choose to have children someday, they may become mutants."  
  
"Assuming I ever get a girlfriend." Danny said morosly.  
  
"You will be married before you start having kids." Jesse said a bit sternly.  
  
"Yes, Daddy." Danny teased.   
  
"The supplier calls herself The Duchess." said Daria. "She'll be at the Zen tomorrow night."  
  
"We'll be there." said Trent.  
  
"Good." said Amy. "Danny, would you help me put the equipment away? And I need to know the where to find a descent motel."  
  
"You can stay at our house, Aunt Amy." said Daria.   
  
"Thank you, Daria, but I really don't want to deal with my sister just now."  
  
"Hey, I have to deal with her every day." Daria shrugged. "She's angry that I'm going to marry Trent after graduation and move to New York. She's also mad that I got seven million dollars from saving you on /Slashers/ even though I did the smart thing and put it in the bank for college."  
  
"Helen is a control freak." said Amy. "You have more money than she's ever dreamed of and thus, near complete control of your own life. Check that, you turned 18 last August giving you /complete/ control of your life. Honey, you can do anything but buy liquor and you can take a road trip to Canada if you really want to do that."  
  
"Well," said Jane. "I know what we're doing for my birthday!"  
  
"Daria," said Trent. "If things get too bad at home, you can always move in with me and Janey. Mom and Dad love you and the Formidable Four is going to move into a townhouse anyway."  
  
"Thanks." said Daria. "But I think I can tough it out. After all, I've got less than a year to continue making Quinn's life a living Hell. Might as well make the best of it."  
  
The next day the Formidable Four made some large withdrawels from their bank accounts, just in case they needed to make a buy. At dusk they parked in the lot across the street from the Zen. An SUV with smoked mirrors was parked by the street. Six people of various mutations were huddled about it. A red haired boy with antenae and pointed ears approached the biggest one. "Arthur McAllister." said Daria to her friends. "AKA 'Artie'."  
  
"I know him." said Jesse. "He's in Danny's role playing group. Can't believe he's into drugs." They got close enough to hear them.  
  
"Hi! I'm Artie!"  
  
"Ask me if I give a shit." said the scaly dealer.  
  
"Do you have anything that will give me a Klingon forehead?" Artie asked. "Or at least spots like a Trill?"  
  
"Man, what the fuck is a Trill?" Asked a girl with a snout and whiskers like a rat.  
  
"A symbiotic lifeform." Artie tutted. "Don't you watch /Deep Space Nine/?"  
  
"Look, junior," said the dealer. "ReNew gives ya what it's gonna give ya. Ya don't get to pick and choose. Now, you gonna cough up two hunnert dollars or are ya just wastin' my time?"  
  
"Go home, Artie." said Jesse.   
  
"Who the fuck is this asshole?" asked a three eyed punk with six inch talons on his hands.  
  
"They call me Hercules." Jesse said calmly.  
  
A muscle-bound thug with a snout like a rhino, complete with horn, charged at Jesse. Jesse grabbed the horn, stopping Rhino-boy in his tracks and flipped him over his shoulder. Rat-girl shrieked and ran at him. Jesse grabbed her, picked her up and held her at arm's length. "You know," he said. "I really don't like fighting girls."  
  
"I don't have a problem with it." Daria said, drop kicking Rat-girl. Rat-girl hissed and bared her razor sharp inscisors. "Hey, Minnie," Daria quipped. "Do you brush those teeth or do you sandblast   
  
them?" Rat-girl lunged at her. Daria hit her with an inviso-shield.  
  
Artie stood by and watched the free for all that insued as the theme music played. A fiesty female feline leaped onto Jesse's back and sank her fangs into his neck. "That's /my/ job, bitch!" Jane screamed, shooting a jet of flame close enough to singe the mutated girl's fur. Trent was squared off against the scale covered dealer. He gave as good as he got. The taloned punk tried to claw Trent. His rubbery skin turned them aside and Trent gave him an elbow to the face. Jesse grappled with Rhino-face. A punk with tusks growing out of his mouth charged at him. Jesse picked up Rhino face and slammed him against the tusked mutant. Daria found Cat-girl more of a challenge than she thought. Her reflexes were lightening quick and her claws were like needles. Daria trapped her in an invisible bubble. Cat-girl yowled as she banged on the sides of her prison. Rat-girl gave out a shrieking squeal as Jane trapped her in her fire rings. Scales and Talon tried to run away, but Trent stretched out his arms and captured them. Rhino-face and Tusks jumped in the SUV and tried to drive away. Tusk stamped down on the accelerator, but found he wasn't moving at all. He looked in the rearview mirror. Jesse had grabbed the SUV by the back bumper and had lifted the rear axel off the ground. He hefted the whole vehicle up over his head.  
  
The thugs captured, it was time for interigation. "Where is the Duchess?" Trent asked Scales, giving his neck a bit of a squeeze.   
  
"In the Zen." gasped Scales.  
  
"We thought as much." said Daria. "What does she look like?"  
  
"You'll know her when you see her." said Talon. "She's got horns and a trunk like an elephant. Now will you let us go?"  
  
"Nah," said Trent. "Think we'll let Lawndale's finest deal with you. Daria, you what to do." He let them go and Daria trapped them in invisible bubbles. Trent took out his cell and called Captain Granger.   
  
"Can I put this down now?" asked Jesse, still holding up the SUV.  
  
"Getting heavy for you?" asked Jane.  
  
"Nah. But their transmission's got a leak and I'm getting fluid all over me."  
  
Daria trapped the thugs in invisible bubbles and left them for the police. The Formidable Four entered the Zen. Loud music was coming from the stage. The band was made up of four severly mutated musicians. "The lead singer of that band makes Sy Snootles look like Madonna." Jesse commented.  
  
"Who's Sy Snootles?" asked Daria.  
  
"Lead singer for the Max Rebo band from /Star Wars/."   
  
"Geek test!" said Daria.  
  
"I saw it in one of Danny's role-playing books." Jesse shrugged.  
  
"That's her." Trent pointed to a shady corner of the Zen. "That's the Duchess." The Duchess was seated at a booth in a dark corner. She was ill lit, but her horns and trunk were all obvious. She was surrounded by a harem of slightly mutated males.  
  
They approached her. As they got closer, they could see that the Duchess was dripping in glittering gold and sparkling diamonds. "You're the Duchess, right." said Daria.  
  
"Who wants to know?" asked the Duchess in a husky, superior tone of voice.  
  
"We just wanna know where Her Ladyship is getting this stuff." Jane said, pulling up a chair. "ReNew, I believe it's called."  
  
"And /why/ would I tell /you/?" Daria was sure this voice was familiar, if only she could place it.  
  
"Maybe we want a cut of the action." said Trent, taking a chair.   
  
"Maybe," Jesse said, squeezing in between the Duchess and a harem boy with green hair and feathers. "you've got room for another guy?"  
  
"Well," The Duchess trailed her fingers over Jesse's bicep. "I do like them big, strong and handsome." She teased his face with her trunk. Jane valiantly fought the urge to turn the Duchess into a crepe suzette. He's only pretending. She reminded herself. He's just trying to seduce info out of her.  
  
"Yeah," said Jesse, resisting the urge to push the creepy trunk away from him. "But, to be one of your boys, I'm gonna need some ReNew. The good stuff. I was thinking of maybe a tail...prehensile of course."  
  
"Well, apparantly the strong man knows some big words." the Duchess teased.  
  
Daria recognized the voice. She pulled the lamp closer to see who the Duchess really was. She had horns growing from her temples and a trunk where her nose once was, but she recognized the superior visage and overdone nut brown hair. Sandi had returned.  
  
Daria was affraid Sandi would recognize her. Fortunatly, she seemed enrapt with Jesse.  
  
"I could teach you some other big words." Jesse said, stroking the Duchess' hand flirtatiously. "Maybe you could teach me a few things." Daria noticed Jane's hands were glowing bright red. She gave her friend a kick under the table.  
  
"Well, I think it's time for class, then." said the Duchess. "I'll take you to where the good stuff is, get you that tail, and then, perhaps, see what kind of fun we can have afterwards. Alright, boys, take the night off. I'm breakin' in a new one." The harem gave mous and pouts, but obeyed. The Duchess noticed the other three. "Why are /you/ still here?" she demanded.  
  
"Hey, we know when we're not wanted." said Trent, getting up. "Let's go, girls." They moved away, watching Jesse and the Duchess leave together.   
  
"I'll follow him." said Daria.  
  
"The Hell you will!" said Jane. "I'll follow them!"  
  
"Jane, I can go invisible, remember?" Daria went invisible.  
  
"We won't be far behind." said Trent. "When you need us, we'll be there."  
  
Daria caught up with Sandi and Jesse. She grabbed Jesse's hand and gave it a squeeze. "It's me." she whispered. Jesse nodded his head once to show he understood.  
  
A candy apple red convertable was parked outside. Daria clambered in the backseat and gave Jesse's shoulder a squeeze to let him know she was there. Sandi got in the driver's seat. As she drove she went into a long boring talk about herself. Jesse responded with "Yeah" and "Cool" when appropriate, playing up the himbo role that was expected of him. All the while he kept glancing at the rearview mirror. Trent's Ford was trailing them. He hoped the Duchess wouldn't spot them.   
  
They got out at a toxic waste plant. Mutated guards were milling about. They let the Duchess and her "friend" pass by without question. Daria followed invisibly.   
  
Once inside they met a heavy set man with no mutations. "Hello, Duchess." he said. "Looks like you picked up a new boy toy. A norm, this time."  
  
"That's why I'm taking him to see Dr. Felix, Boss." she said.  
  
"You know, Duchess," said Boss. "It has come to my attention that some of the Lawndale students aren't on ReNew yet."  
  
The Duchess shrugged. "I can't help it if some geeks decide they'd rather not be cool."  
  
"Ah, yes," said the boss. "Squeeky clean types who would rather spend Friday night with a book than 'rolling with the crew' and looking for a score. I know what you mean, and I have just the thing." Boss took a strange looking gun out of his jacket. "This is a dart gun. It's been loaded with six darts of ReNew. You see a norm, you shoot 'em, they mutate, they're hooked on the drug." The Duchess took the gun and pocketed it. "Wanna try it on your little friend?"  
  
"I'm going to have Dr. Felix customize something for him. A prehensive tail, perhaps."  
  
Boss sighed and rolled his eyes. "I'm sure you mean prehensile. That means it can be used to hold things, like a monkey's."  
  
"I-I knew that." the Duchess sputtered.  
  
"I'll be off then." Boss eyed Jesse and smiled. "Don't break him on your first try, now."  
  
The Duchess led Jesse across an iron grated catwalk. Jesse's nose wrinkled at the stench of chemicals and sludge being kept in vats below them. Daria had to cover her mouth and nose. "Sorry about the mess, dear." said the Duchess. "After your appointment with Dr. Felix, I promise to take you somewhere more romantic."  
  
She took Jesse inside a blue tiled lobby. She opened a door to a laboratory. There, in a white lab coat was a small balding man. "Dr. Felix," said the Duchess. "I have a custom job for you."  
  
"Such a perfect speciman." Dr. Felix commented, rubbing his long thin hands together. "Would you like him mutated now or can it wait for the pills to be formed?"  
  
"Now, of course!"   
  
"You do realize the pure form of ReNew must be injected."  
  
"Hey, not a problem." said Jesse, hoping neither of them realized he was screaming on the inside.  
  
"He wants a prehensile tail, doesn't he?" the Duchess said, toying with Jesse's hair.  
  
"Splendid." said Felix. He unlocked a cupboard and took out a case of vials of clear liquid. "I know I have some essence of spider monkey around here somewhere. That may make him grow fur and lengthen his arms a bit. Will that be a problem?"  
  
"Not at all." she said.   
  
As Felix went to look for his essence of spider monkey, Daria eyed the vials of ReNew. She grabbed Jesse's shoulder and stood on tiptoe so she could whisper in his ear. "Distract her. I'll grab the ReNew."  
  
"Um, Duchess?" said Jesse.  
  
"What is it?" Jesse lifted up her trunk and kissed her full on the mouth. Meanwhile, Daria lifted one of the vials and hid it in her jacket pocket. She elbowed Jesse to let him know the job was done.  
  
Meanwhile, Trent and Jane were on the roof spying on the scene through a skylight. "I'mgonnakillher,I'mgonnakillher,I'mgonnakillher..." murmered Jane as she watched the Duchess smooch with her fiance.  
  
"Cool it, Janey." said Trent. He watched one of the vials lift itself out of the case and disappear. Daria had it. Now to get her and Jesse out of there.   
  
"Well," said the Duchess. "Aren't we frisky?"  
  
"Here it is," said Felix, returning with a vial and some test tubes. "Essence of spider monkey. Won't take a minute to whip this up."  
  
He put on a pair of goggles and took one of the ReNew vials.  
  
"Um, Duchess," said Jesse. "I'm having second thoughts."  
  
"Darling, a boy as cute as you shouldn't have to think." the Duchess said teasingly.  
  
"But, it's just..."   
  
Her trunk laid against his lips. "Shh, don't worry your pretty little head."  
  
"Here we go." said Felix, tapping the air bubbles out of the hypodermic. "Duchess, be a dear and grab that bottle of rubbing alcohol, would you? And one of the cotton balls in the box next to it."  
  
Daria slap kicked the hypo out of Felix's hand. Flamin' Jane and Sir Stretchalot smashed through the skylight.   
  
"Run for it, Daria!" Trent shouted. The sound of Daria's Doc Martins slamming against linnoleum filled the air.  
  
"Quinn's cousin was here!?" shrieked the Duchess.  
  
"Sister, actually." said Jane.  
  
"I-I'm innocent!" said Felix. "She-she threatened my life if I didn't go along with her!"  
  
Jesse tore some metal piping off the wall. "Tell it to the judge." he said, twisting the pipe into make-shift handcuffs. Felix put up no resistance.   
  
"You were with them?" said the Duchess. "Well, it doesn't matter." She hit a button hidden under a table. A door slid open. Three reptillian mutants walked in. "Sharkface, Slasher, Whiplash, you know what to do with them."  
  
"Great, another fight scene." said Jane.   
  
"Jess, you go after the Duchess." said Trent. "Janey and I can take these guys out."  
  
"On it." Jesse chased after the Duchess. Whiplash tried to stop him. Jesse grabbed the tail that was coming at thim and swung the reptile across the room.   
  
He chased the Duchess out to the blue tiled lobby. "Not as dumb as you pretend to be, are you?" she asked.  
  
"I'm smart enough to know when to keep my mouth shut." he replied.  
  
"Shall we dance?" She swung at him with the trunk. He dodged. She punched, he blocked.  
  
"I don't like to fight with ladies." he said. "But you are no lady." He took a swing. She used her trunk to block and jumped back. She lowered her head and charged at him. He spun about, dodging her. She turned and careened towards him, horns at ready. She got very close, but he still managed to spin out of her way.  
  
"You are as agile as you are strong." she commented.  
  
"Spent a couple summers in Madrid." he shrugged. "Learned a few things."   
  
The Duchess grinned. She burst through the door leading to the plant. Jesse followed her. The iron catwalked clanged as he persued her across it. Then she stopped short and turned, aiming the dart gun at Jesse. "Did you forget I had this?" she asked.  
  
Jane and Trent made short work of the reptiles. Jane inflicted a heavy burn on Sharkface. Whiplash had been knocked out by Jesse. Slasher's claws were turned by Trent's rubber skin. Trent grabbed a flask and threw it at Slasher. It turned out to be a highly corrosive acid. "I'll call Granger." said Trent, taking out his ever-present cell phone.   
  
"I'll check on Jesse." Jane left the lab. No one in the lobby. She went into the plant, the smell of harsh chemicals burning her nose. She saw them on the catwalk. The Duchess was holding Jesse at gunpoint.  
  
"Story of my fucking life, you know." the Duchess was saying. "People always using me, saying what they think I want to hear."  
  
"Shall I get out the violins?" asked Jesse.  
  
"You shouldn't be so flippant with someone who has a dart gun pointed at you!" Jane's heart was in her throat as she heard Sandi's words. "You'll either fall into that vat of sludge beneath us after you're shot, or spend your life addicted to ReNew. All the same to me."  
  
An orange-red blur sped infront of Jesse as the Duchess fired. Jane fell upon the iron grating, a dart embedded in her neck.  
  
"NO!!!" Jesse shouted.  
  
"Idiot girl!" shouted the Duchess as the chemicals below bubbled and sulpheric smoke filled the room. "Doesn't she know the slightest spark could set this place ablaze!" Jesse ignored her and took Jane's lifeless body in his arms. Trent came out on the platform. The Duchess fired on him. He used his stretch powers to dodge. Jesse barreled down the catwalk, knocking the Duchess over into a vat of sludge.   
  
"TRENT, RUN!!!" He shouted, carrying Jane. The two of them ran out of the toxic waste plant, just barely jumping out of the blast zone just as the whole building exploded in flame.   
  
"Ever notice," Trent panted. "That when good guys run out of a burning building, they always get out just before the whole thing explodes?"  
  
Jesse didn't say "Wonder why that is?" as Trent expected. He tried to revive Jane. "Janey? Janey, it's me Jesse. Please wake up." he begged as he removed the dart from her neck.  
  
"What happened to her?" Trent was at her side.  
  
Jesse bit back tears. "She shot her, Trent. Shot her with a dart full of ReNew." A shot meant for me.  
  
"Get her in the car. We'll take her home."  
  
Trent burned rubber getting onto the road. Almost as an afterthought, he called the fire department.  
  
"Janey," Jesse whispered to her as she lay across his lap in the backseat. "Those things I said at the Zen, I didn't mean them. I hope you know that." He gave up fighting the tears. "I love you. You're the only one I want to be with, ever. Please, if you love me, come back to me."  
  
"Jesse..." she hoarsly whispered.  
  
"Shh, don't try to talk."  
  
"Cold... so cold." She was shivvering.  
  
"I'll keep you warm." he promised, holding her as close as he dared without hurting her.  
  
Daria had hailed a cab to take her back to the Moreno house. Amy was more than pleased with the sample she brought back. The phone rang. "Daria," said Danny. "It's Trent." She took the phone.  
  
"Trent?"  
  
"Daria, did you get the ReNew back to your aunt?"  
  
"Yeah, she's working on an antidote right now."  
  
"Tell her to put a rush on it. Janey's been hit."  
  
"What!?" No, not Jane.  
  
"I'm in the car now, en route, pedal to the metal. See you in a few."  
  
"Yeah, see you." Daria hung up, fighting the urge to cry. Don't be stupid. she told herself. Did you think you were just playing Cops N Robbers? You knew it wouldn't be long before someone got hurt.   
  
Jesse laid Jane down on the couch. She let her head rest in his lap and murmered to her. Daria and Trent held each other. Danny flopped into an armchair. Jane's skin was pale and clammy. She broke into a sweat and babbled nonsense. Daria grabbed an afghan and covered her. She returned to Trent's arms. Was it to comfort him or to be comforted? She didn't know. The radio blared news about the Lawndale Fire Department bringing a blazing toxic waste plant under control.  
  
"Alright," Amy emerged from the garage. "I've made an antidote that can be taken orally. Open her mouth."  
  
Jesse parted Jane's ruby lips. Amy let drops of blue liquid fall in Jane's mouth and massaged her throat.  
  
"Now what?" asked Jesse.  
  
"Now, we wait." said Amy. "This could take a while. Up to 24 hours."  
  
Jesse took Jane into his arms. "I'll take her to my room. She'll be more comfortable in a bed."  
  
Jesse took Jane into his room and put her in his bed. He made sure she was tucked in and took a chair. She didn't need a tossing and turning body next to her. He needed to be awake anyway, in case she needed him. He closed his eyes. Next thing he knew, the sun was on his face and he heard Jane's voice.  
  
"Jesse..."  
  
"Huh? Janey?"  
  
"Did you get the serial number of the Sherman tank that ran me over?"  
  
"Oh, Janey!" He wrapped his arms around her, choking on a sob.  
  
"I'm OK." she said. "Feel like Hell, though. What happened?"  
  
"Jane, don't ever do that again." he scolded. "I'm not worth dying for."  
  
The events of last night came running back to Jane's mind. "Jesse, I love you." she said. "And I'm every bit as capable of defending you as you are me, so get any macho save the damsel ideas out of your head right now."  
  
"Whatever you say."  
  
"Did you stay up all night for me?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"You shouldn't. Not sleeping is bad for you."  
  
"Then Trent must be the healthiest guy in the world."  
  
"Do you hear something?"  
  
"Hear what?" They were both quiet. They heard squeeky peeping sounds. They were coming from Nibble's cage. Jesse came near and smiled. Four miniscule pink pups were wriggling under his pet's fur. He sat on the bed next to Jane. "Nibbles had her babies." He couldn't help himself. He laid back on the bed and laughed with shear joy. Everything was going to be alright.  
  
23 DAYS LATER:  
  
"C'mon, drink it."  
  
"Jesse, I hate this stuff."  
  
"It's TheraFlu, Janey. It'll clear up your sinuses."  
  
Jane begrudgingly sipped the hot liquid. "I feel better than I did yesterday. God, this sucks. It's like the worst case of the flu ever."  
  
"Side effects of the antidote." Jesse explained. "Amy has had us distributing it to as many ReNew heads as we could. Everyone will be back to normal soon, but Lawndale's gonna have a bit of a flu epidemic."  
  
"You've been really good to me, Jess. Thanks."  
  
"It's nothing, really." He took her hand and stroked it. He fondled the engagment ring she wore. Opals and emeralds. Hope and Love. He had recently learned that he had his birthstones mixed up. His birthstone was aquamarine- Courage.   
  
"You're going to be a good father someday."  
  
"Hinting something?" he smiled.  
  
"Not now. I wanna finnish college first. But, you're loving, caring, responsible. You can even be strict when you have to be."  
  
"Janey, will you marry me?"  
  
"You've already asked."  
  
"No I didn't. I babbled like a moron and threw a ring in your face. I can do it right now."  
  
"Yes, Jesse, I'll marry you."  
  
Someone knocked on the door. "Come in." Jesse sighed.  
  
Amy, Daria and Trent came in. Jane hugged her brother and best friend as she lay in her fiance's bed.   
  
"Everyone's back to normal." said Daria. "Or a reasonable fac simile."  
  
"God, all the make up work I'll have to do." Jane groaned.  
  
"We got a notice from some orginization called SHIELD." said Trent. "They were unable to find Dr. Felix or the Duchess after the explosion, be we halted their operation."  
  
"And Daria and I gave a full description of the Boss." said Jesse. "They've been unable to get that much so far."  
  
"What do you have here?" asked Amy, motioning to the cage.  
  
"My pet hamster had babies." said Jesse. "I've been looking for good homes for them. Nibbles has been nipping them when they try to nurse, and they eat the seeds I put out for them, so I think they're ready to leave their mother. I'm keeping the one with the black and white spots. I call her Dotty."  
  
"How about the one with the calico pattern?"  
  
"You can have her, if you promise not to experiment on her or anything."  
  
"I wouldn't dream of it. You did say her?"  
  
Jesse took the young hamster out of the cage. "See how the back end is kinda bowed? Male hamsters kinda taper off. You can have her."  
  
"Thank you. Let's go home, Hypatia."  
  
"Hypatia?" Trent shook his head. What a weird name for a hamster. Well, at least all would be quiet for a while.  
  
Hope this was worth the wait. Final Exams+Christmas+Other Projects=A Long Time Between Updates. And they say I'm bad at math!  
  
I have an idea for another story. May be a while before it's up. It features strange visitors from another time.   
  
And remember, "Drugs are bad, m'kay. You shouldn't take drugs." 


	17. Days of Future Pest

Days of Future Pest  
  
JULY 13, 2027  
  
A teenaged boy with long brownish hair and grey-green eyes dashed through the corridors of the multi-story parking garage. "Halt, mutant." said a robotic voice. "Surrender or be annhilated."  
  
"Annhilate this!" The boy focused on the robot. Circuitry sparked as the droid imploded on itself.  
  
"Do you have any idea how much those things cost?" He turned to see a slim, smug looking man approaching him.  
  
"Thomas Sloan." said the boy. "Financer of the Sentinal Project. We meet at last."  
  
"You forgot, VP Thomas Sloan. Didn't the Formidable Four teach you any manners?"  
  
"Take one more step and you'll see why they call me the Brick!"  
  
"Ah, yes, the Brick." Sloan said condescendingly. "AKA Matthew Jacob Morlan. Adopted by two families. An odity, but since no one wanted a mutie baby, no one put up a fight. Ah, yes, Matthew, I know all about you."  
  
"Not exactly top secret, you know." said the Brick.  
  
"I know something you don't know." Sloan mocked. "At age two, you turned up in a hospital lobby with a note pinned to your shirt that said 'Mutant, parents don't want him.' When the staff found out you weighed 200 pounds and could turn Jell-O into rocks, they found out why. Your mother wanted to keep you. Cried her eyes out when you were taken from her. Your father had to divorce the stupid bitch. Thank Heaven for prenups."  
  
"You're talking too much, Sloan."  
  
"And you're still listening. I'm going to tell you the truth about your father."  
  
"Jesse and Trent are the only fathers I've ever needed!"  
  
"Matthew, I'm your father."  
  
"NO!! It's not true! It's not possible!"  
  
"I'm affraid so." Sloan smiled. "I couldn't let a mutie get in the way of my political career, you understand. Brooke didn't. I see you have her stringy hair and crooked nose. Lying bitch never told me about the plastic surgery or the dye jobs and perms. You know, I ordered to have you rubbed out. Vito must've gone soft on me and just abandoned you. Hard to find good help."  
  
"SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!!!"  
  
"Very much like /Oedipus Rex/, don't you think?" Sloan said calmly. "Only, in this case, the father will kill the son." He drew a gun from a concealed shoulder holster.  
  
"Drop that gun, Sloan, or you're toast!" Sloan smiled at the sound of the young woman's voice. The Brick saw the woman he came to know as his big sister. Tall, athletically built with wavy brown hair tied on top of her head in two bunchy pigtails. She was dressed in bright colored, form fitting clothes. Her blue eyes smouldered as did the fireball in her hand.  
  
"Jasmine Rae Moreno." Sloan said calmly, still keeping the gun on Matthew. "AKA, 'Fire Blossom'. Stop and think a moment, Fire Blossom. You are in a garage which is filled with cars, they in turn are filled with gasoline. Do you really want to hurl fireballs in here?"  
  
A blue blur hurled itself at Sloan. The gun went off. A girl's scream was heard. "Gabs!" Matthew screamed.  
  
"I'm alright, lieb." a blue furred female said, clutching her arm. "I have his gun. It was only a flesh wound." Sloan stared at his attacker. Her blue eyes glowed in the gloaming of the garage. Gleaming white fangs shone as she spoke.   
  
Sloan felt blood on his neck. The bitch bit me! Like a fucking vampire! "Of all the muties," he said. "Your kind is the worst! You don't even LOOK human!" Indeed, with her pointed ears and long tail, she looked quite demonic.  
  
"I'm more human than you'll ever be, Sloan!" she retorted.  
  
A hum filled the air as a hover craft sped up to them and stopped cold. "Get in the truck, let's go!" urged the driver. Gabs, Matthew and Jasmine piled into the craft, leaving Sloan to curse at them as they flew out of the garage and over the city.  
  
"Nice save, twin brother." said Jasmine.   
  
"Yeah, thanks Jason." said Matthew.   
  
"Don't mention it." Jason was Jasmine's fraternal twin. They were both tall and athletic with wavy hair and were about 20 years old. That's where the simularities ended. Jason's hair was pitch black and curled up at the nape of his neck. His eyes were a deep hazel-brown color and he dressed in a dark purple tank top and black jeans. Jason was the more sedate of the twins.  
  
Gabs moaned in pain. "Jason," said Matthew. "Gabs was shot."  
  
"Can't take her to the hospital." said Jason. "They'll kill her as soon as they see her."  
  
"She has an inducer!" Matthew said desperatly.  
  
"Think, MJ." said Jasmine. "When they work on her, they're gonna feel fur."  
  
"I wanna go home!" Gabs cried.  
  
"It's OK, baby." MJ said soothingly, taking her in his arms.  
  
"Halt, mutant, or be annhilated."   
  
"Holy shit!" yelled Jasmine. "When did those things learn to fly?"  
  
Jason tried to out-manuver the Sentinal. It kept tailing him. "Only one way outa this situation." he said, opening a panel in the steering wheel.  
  
"No way, Jason!" said Jasmine. "Uncle Danny hasn't had a chance to test it yet!"  
  
"We're testin' it now!" Jason pressed buttons and the hover car disappeared in a green streak of light.  
  
MARCH 19, 2002  
  
"Where are we?" asked Jasmine.  
  
"Not where." said Jason. "When."  
  
"Well, we better land somewhere." said MJ. "If this is before hover cars were invented, we might give someone a heart attack."  
  
Jason landed the hover car behind a copse of trees beside a lone stretch of highway. He took a med kit of the glove compartment and tossed it to MJ. "Dress Gabs' wound as best you can." he said.   
  
"Um, Jason?" asked Jasmine. "Is it bad when wires are poking out of the steering wheel like that?" Sparking wires poked out of the wheel.  
  
"Ah, son of a..!" Jason slapped at the wires with his shirt tail. "MJ, stay with Gabs. Me and Jasmine will have a look around."  
  
The twins walked down the road, looking for a clue for when or where they were. "All I see is corn." said Jasmine. "And not very helpful corn."  
  
"Here's a clue." said Jason, picking up some litter.  
  
"A soda can?"  
  
"With one of those old fashioned pop-tops. You know, the kind that would have this metal tab that could break off and fall in your drink."  
  
"Oh, I remember those. Back in Kindergarten us girls would make necklaces out of them. I think I was in first grade when they made the new ones that you just poke your thumb in."  
  
"So we're more than 13 years in the past. Find something with an expiration date. That might help us approximate what year it is."  
  
"Here's an old newspaper." Jasmine picked up a faded newspaper page. "Bush vows to capture Saddam, Bin Laden." she read. "Well, one of two wasn't bad. Well, we know this is after the Nine-Eleven Massacre and before the capture of Saddam Hussein. The date says January 17, 2002. It's too warm to be winter, too cold to be summer. So it must be Spring of 2002."  
  
"Brilliant, Holmes." said Jason. "There's a sign. Let's see where we are." They approached the green road sign.  
  
"Lawndale City Limits." Jasmine read. "Population 24,650. Wow, Lawndale used to be small."  
  
"Lawndale, spring, 2002." Jason mused. "Our parents will get married this summer. They're probably still living here."  
  
"We could stay at Abuelo's house."   
  
"Jasmine, remember, whatever we do, we can't polute the timeline."  
  
"Duh! I've seen all those movies too. Even the flatsies like /Back to the Future/."  
  
"But we're stuck here. Until we can fix the time teaser."  
  
"Jason! Uncle Danny's here! He could fix it!"  
  
Jason shook his head. "In this time, Uncle Danny's just a kid. He hasn't even been to college yet, let alone developed something as complex as the time teaser."  
  
"Got any better plans, twin?"  
  
"Let's go check on Gabs and MJ."  
  
MJ cleaned and dressed Gabs' wound. "Gabs..." he said.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Before Sloan, um, shot you, he-he told me something. I-he...He's my father."  
  
"Is that all?"  
  
"What do you mean 'Is that all?'! I'm the son of one of the most evil men in the world! The only reason Kelly is president is because Sloan was too young to run. Sloan was a major financer of the Sentinel Project. And, and he's my father!"  
  
Gabs smiled and brushed a furry tridactyl hand against his cheek. "Matthew Jacob, I would love you were you the son of Satan himself. Besides, my own father had a brush with the whole 'Luke, I'm your father' bit. My 'granny' was Mystique, remember?"  
  
MJ looked into her clear blue eyes and stroked her braided chestnut hair. "I love you, Gabriele."  
  
"Gabs." she corrected. "Only Vati calls me Gabriele, and then only when he's saying something like 'Vere do you sink you're goink dressed like zat, Gabriele?' or 'You need to take gute care of your leetle seester, Gabriele." MJ laughed. Gabs always did the funniest impression of her dad. She was always trying to make him laugh. He cradled her and kissed her.  
  
"Are we interrupting something?" Jasmine teased.  
  
"We gotta hide the car." said Jason. He picked up the vehicle and carried it to where the trees were thickest. The rest of them covered the vehicle with branches.  
  
"Now what?" asked Gabs.   
  
"We could hitch a ride into town." said Jasmine.  
  
"That's pretty dangerous, Jasmine." said Jason. "Even in the 'good old days'."  
  
Jasmine conjured a fireball in her hand. "I got insurance."  
  
"Alright," Jason sighed. "Gabs, does your inducer still work?"  
  
Gabs pressed the button on the watch she was wearing. Her image flickered and was replaced with that of a fair skinned teenaged girl. Even her wounded arm looked normal.  
  
"I don't think girls in 2002 wore vinyl mini dresses." said Jasmine.  
  
"I don't think they wore hot pink bicycle shorts either." said Gabs. "But I can change."  
  
"Right here?" gasped MJ.  
  
"Nah. Mom and I programmed my watch to induce holographic clothes. I've got a whole wardrobe in here." She touched a button and was wearing lavender capris with a /Les Miserables/ T-shirt. MJ gave her a look. "What? It's my favorite musical."  
  
"What I have on will do." said Jason. "Jasmine's gonna get weird looks, but she'll pass." Jasmine had on hot pink bicycle shorts and a peach and yellow floral print sleevless top. "And MJ.." MJ wore a green gi top, sweat pants and kung fu slippers. "I guess it'll do."  
  
The walked towards Lawndale, hitchhiking. "We can't use our real names." said Jason. "It might pollute the time line."  
  
"We can go by our codenames." said Gabs. "I'm good with Sapphire."  
  
"Brick's fine by me." said MJ. "Say, should I increase my density? Incase we run into trouble?"  
  
"Wait till we get to town." said Jason.  
  
"I can always decrease it again." said Gabs.  
  
"If we're going by codenames," said Jasmine. "Then I'm Fire Blossom and Jason's Bamm-Bamm."  
  
"How'd you get a codename like Bamm-Bamm?" asked Gabs.  
  
"It's a funny story, really." said Jasmine.  
  
"That we don't have time for." said Jason.  
  
"We're waiting for a ride, twin brother, we have time. It's like this. When we were three years old, Mom told Jason to go wake up Uncle Trent. Next thing they know, Jason picks up the bed with Uncle Trent still in it and bangs it up and down on the floor yelling 'Geddup, Unca Twen! Geddup, Unca Twen!'" MJ and Gabs laughed. "Uncle Trent said there used to be a cartoon called /The Flintstones/ that featured a super-strong toddler named Bamm-Bamm, so that's what he called him."  
  
They got a ride into town in the back of a pick-up truck. The twins led the way to "Abuelo's house" as they called it. "One more thing." said Jason as they stood at the door of the Moreno house. "We can't let him know about the future. We don't tell him who we are, and we don't call him Uncle Danny."  
  
"I guess I can't call him Dr. M either." said Gabs.   
  
Jason knocked on the door. He and Jasmine were momentarily shocked by the appearance of the one who answered. Abuelo never looked so young. "Hola," he said to the four people on his porch. "Are you here for Danny's role playing game?"  
  
"Uh, yeah that's what we're here for!" said Jasmine.  
  
"Bueno. He is in the basement."  
  
They went to the basement. Danny was there, seated at a card table with a plump girl with red hair, a young man with an eye patch and another young man with long blackish-blue hair. Gabs turned back.  
  
"What is it?" Jasmine whispered.   
  
"I can't go in there! That's my dad!" she whispered, pointing at the boy with the long hair.   
  
"You sure?"  
  
"He's wearing an inducer. Looks just like the photo in his yearbook."  
  
"Big deal." said Jasmine. "He won't know you. And that's our Uncle Danny and Aunt Iggy down there. Don't ask me who the guy in the patch is. Just play cool, OK?"  
  
"So, has anyone seen that /Lord of the Rings/ movie yet?" Danny was saying.  
  
"Ja, it was great!" said Kurt. "Can't wait for the next one."  
  
"When's that Artie guy getting here?" asked the guy with the patch.  
  
"He said he'd be coming, Ron." said Danny. "Be cool."  
  
"Kurt had to come all the way from Bayville and he's early." said Ron. "What's keeping Artie? I'm ready to role play here."  
  
"That might be him." Danny heard some people coming in the basement. "Artie?" The four visitors came in. "Um, are you guys looking for my brother, Jesse?" he asked. "He's probably at the Zen tonight."  
  
"We need to talk to you..Danny." said Jason.  
  
"Can it wait? The last game session ended on a cliff hanger."  
  
"Hi, I'm Artie!" said someone at the top of the stairs.   
  
"We know who you are, Artie." sighed Iggy. "You don't have to announce it."  
  
"They don't know me." Artie pointed at the visitors. "Who are they, anyway?"   
  
Danny was at a loss. "I'm Fire Blossom." said Jasmine.  
  
"Bamm-Bamm." said Jason.  
  
"Brick." said MJ.  
  
"Sapphire." said Gabs.  
  
"Going by your D and D names?" asked Artie. "Cool! I'm Crom the half-orc barbarian."  
  
"I'm Assilem Brandywine," said Iggy. "The halfling thief."  
  
"I'm Felylos Bluearrow," said Kurt. "The elven paladin."  
  
"And I'm Mortimus Arcane," said Ron. "The human wizard."  
  
"By the way, guys," said Artie. "Sorry I'm late, but you'll never guess what I saw on the way over!"  
  
"Oh, gee." said Iggy. "Could it have been a UFO? You always see UFOs!"  
  
"I saw TWO UFOs! One was this green streak of light. It must've landed near the highway. I didn't wanna be late for the game, so I didn't check it out. But the other one, wow, we're talking close encounter of the third kind!"  
  
"So you were abducted and probed," sighed Ron. "Again."  
  
"Hear me out, OK? This big black spaceship just hovered over the football field at the high school and started to land. Then this hatch opens and out walks this blue alien dude! He was all weird, covered in fur, had this long tail."  
  
"Oh, that was my ride." said Kurt, much to Iggy and Ron's amusment. Only Danny and the four visitors knew the truth.  
  
"Real funny, Drizzt." Danny said, using his nickname for Kurt. "Now, on with the game!" He set up the game shield. "OK, when we last left off you were about to take the medallion of Bahmet from the red dragon's horde when the dragon woke up. Roll for initiative."  
  
Iggy rolled highest. "I waste him with my crossbow!" she said.   
  
"OK, roll for wasting with crossbow."  
  
"You doin' OK, Gabs?" MJ asked.  
  
"My shoulder still hurts." The hologram disguised her wound.  
  
"C'mon, let's find you some Tylenol or something."  
  
They left the basement and went through the living room just as Jesse came in with a giggling Jane on his arm. "Uh, hi." said Jesse. "You Danny's friends?"  
  
"Uh, yeah." said MJ. "I'm Brick and this is Sapphire. She, uh, has a headache so we're looking for some Tylenol or something."  
  
"Bathroom's just dowm the hall. It'll be in the medicine cabinet."  
  
"Thanks, Mr. Moreno." said Gabs.  
  
"Call me Jesse."  
  
"And I'm Rainy Janey Laney." Jane slurred. "No, that's not right. I'm...I'm...I'm drunk!" Jesse shrugged apologetically.  
  
"C'mon, Jane, you need to go to bed."  
  
"Mmmm...will you come with me?" He said nothing but carried her upstairs.  
  
"That was disturbing." MJ said as he got the pills from the cabinet.  
  
"Which part?" asked Gabs. "Seeing your mom drunk or hearing her come on to your dad?"  
  
"Both." he opened the bottle. "I'm gonna have some questions for her when I get home. She nearly burned my ass when she found out I had a fake ID. You saw her, right Gabs? Did she look much older than 18?"  
  
"No, but, MJ, I like what you said, about when we get home." She swallowed the pills.  
  
"You think we'll make it?"  
  
"I know we have to."   
  
"How long is this going to take?" Jason grumbled as they sat at the kitchen table.  
  
"Relax, twin." said Jasmine. "Uncle Danny's games usually last 3 hours." Jason sighed. "Remember, Jason, we have a time machine. We have nothing but time. Besides, remember what you said about the timeline? We have to let Uncle Danny and Aunt Iggy bond or they might never get married."  
  
"You're an incurable romantic, you know."  
  
"Says the guy who's sculpted more than 50 statues of Rachel Summers." Jason blushed. "Look, if they don't get together, JayMax will never be born, which means our band will be short one drummer. Second, they may never collaborate and invent the INSANE."  
  
"I still think that's a silly name for a sophisticated piece of medical equipment."  
  
It's an anagram for Internal Neural Scanner and Neutralization Emmiter. Uncle Danny wanted to call it the Tumornator. Anyway, if the INSANE is never invented, an effective cure for breast cancer is never found, which means yours truly is dead at 17 or at best, mutilated."  
  
"Yeah, I remember that. Scary. Dad bought a whole bunch of St. Agatha medallions and Nathan barely left your side."  
  
Jasmine sighed. "I hope Dr. Jean and Dr. McCoy find a cure for him soon."  
  
"Dr. Jean should step off the project. She's too emotionally involved. Jasmine..his whole arm is metal now. It may be metal permanently. Are you prepared for that?"  
  
"Jason, when I was in the hospital he told me he'd still love me even if I had to go through with the mastectomy. I love Nathan, not his body."  
  
"I still can't believe it..you and Nathan Summers. How did that happen?"  
  
"Remember that big party we had for our 16th birthday? He heard me tellin Quinn what for. She was trying to force me into yet another make-over. More make-up than I was comfortable with, trying to get me to straighten my hair and, get this, she told me I should stoop so I wouldn't look so tall. Plus she was telling me I should dump track and basketball for a wuss sport like yoga. I told her she wasn't my mother, technically, not even my aunt and that she had no business telling me how to look or what to do with my life and that if I had to stoop and slump to get a boyfriend, maybe I didn't want one. Nathan told me he heard me stand up to her and thought it was cool. We danced all night together."  
  
"Nathan's kinda tall himself. So's Rachel. We decided to start dating that night too." He sighed.   
  
"Say, those sculpts you made of her. Did she pose for them?"  
  
"Some."  
  
"Even the nudes?"  
  
"Shut up, Jasmine."  
  
"You love Rachel Summers! You wanna hug her and kiss her and marry her and have a zillion babies."  
  
"Yeah. Right. I really wanna bring kids into a world ruled by the likes of Kelly, Sloan, Trask and Stryker."  
  
"Jason and Rachel, sittin' in a tree-ee..."  
  
"Shut up, or I'll tell Nathan you still sleep with Rajah."  
  
"Oh, he knows all about Rajah. I had him at the hospital with me."  
  
"Who's Rajah?" asked Gabs as she and MJ came in.  
  
"Her stuffed tiger." said MJ.   
  
Kurt came in the kitchen. "Came in for some Mountain Dew." he said, going through the refridgerator. "Are you friends of Jesse?"  
  
"You could say that." said Jason.  
  
Kurt looked at Gabs. "You know, my girlfriend has a necklace just like that."  
  
Gabs covered her necklace with one hand. "Um..it's a popular style."  
  
Kurt shrugged. He had never seen a necklace like Kitty's, but he wanted to get back to the game. "Well, I got to go do some laying on of hands. See you." He left.  
  
"Lemme guess." said Jasmine. "That /is/ his girlfriend's necklace."  
  
"It has the Star of David etched on it. It was a Bat Mitzvah present."  
  
"You know," said MJ. "You're the only person I know who's had both a Confirmation and a Bat Mitzvah."  
  
"TJ will be getting her Bat Mitzvah soon."  
  
"Hey, Gabs. if we have kids, what will they be?"  
  
"Little soon to think of that, don't you think?"  
  
"Well, you're half Catholic, half Jewish. I was raised by 4 parents. Jesse Dad's Catholic. Granmanda is into New Age stuff. Daria Mom's a quarter Jewish."  
  
"Religeon isn't heriditary." said Jason. "You believe what you believe."  
  
"Yeah, I guess you're right." said MJ. "I wonder if Sloan has any religeon."  
  
"Moneytheism." said Jasmine. "Worship of the Almighty Dollar."   
  
Jason peeked into the basement. The game was still going on. "How long are they going to take?" he wondered.  
  
"Jason," said Jasmine. "Maybe we should tell them about.."  
  
"No, Jasmine." Jason cut her off.  
  
"But we should warn Aunt Daria that.."  
  
"I said no."  
  
"Could we at least warn them about Madrid?"  
  
"Jasmine, no."  
  
"People died, Jason! Dad's cousin.."  
  
"Died a hero." Jason shook his head. "I know it's hard, but we have to preserve the timeline."  
  
The game had reached a stopping point. The players recorded their experience points, said their good-byes and departed. Iggy lingered.  
  
"Danny, I brought those Chobits DVDs you wanted to borrow." she said, taking them out of her bag.  
  
"Thanks." he said, taking them. "Iggy, could I tell you a secret?" She nodded. "I-I want to fall in love someday. I used to think all I wanted was a cute girlfriend, but what I really want is love."  
  
"What brought this on?" she laughed.  
  
"I guess hanging out with the Formidable Four. Daria likes to come off as tough, like nothing can hurt her, but she softens up around Trent. And Jesse. Not long ago, Jane got hurt real bad. Jesse was completly miserable when he thought he was going to lose her."  
  
"You want to be miserable?"  
  
"Iggy, when it was clear that she was going to live, Jesse was happier than I've ever seen him. She was pretty sick for a few weeks after that, but he took care of her without a single complaint. I want someone who can make me feel that way."  
  
"I understand, Danny." she said. "I want someone who can make me feel that way too." She sighed. "I hope you find that someone, Danny."  
  
"Yeah, well, I'd better see what those guys want. Drizzt said they were still there when he went on his Mountain Dew run."  
  
"Later, then." Danny walked out of the basement with her.  
  
"Iggy? Do you think you could come over tomorrow night? Maybe we could, um, watch Chobits together."  
  
"Sure. IM me. Bye."  
  
"Bye." He turned to the four visitors. "What can I do for you?"  
  
"Danny," said the one called Bamm-Bamm. "We need you to fix something."  
  
"What is it?"  
  
"There's no way around this," sighed the one called Fire Blossom. "It's a time machine."  
  
"Riiiiiiight. You do realize the concept of time travel violates the Einstein theory, not to mention the laws of physics."  
  
"That didn't stop you from building it." she said.   
  
"Ixnay, ixnay.." hissed Bamm-Bamm.  
  
"We're from the future."   
  
"This is one of those hidden camera shows, isn't it?" asked Danny. "Fine. Who's the president in the future?"  
  
"Edward Kelly." answered Fire Blossom.  
  
"No way, Drizzt says he's the principal of Bayville High! Now comes the part where I slam the door in your faces and say Good day, future kids!"  
  
"I can prove it." said Sapphire. "Look." She turned of her inducer, revealing blue fur, pointed ears and a tail. "Remind you of anyone?"  
  
"You- you're related to Drizzt aren't you?"  
  
"If you mean Kurt Wagner, yeah. He's my dad."  
  
"How bout the rest of you?" Danny faced the others. "Related to anyone I know?"  
  
"Well," said Fire Blossom. "These two guys are my brothers and you're our uncle. Will be our uncle." she corrected herself.  
  
Danny looked at them critically. "Well, you do have Jesse's mop of hair." He looked at Bamm-Bamm. "Your eyes are kinda like Jesse's. Which of you is older?"  
  
"I am." said Bamm-Bamm.  
  
"Yeah, by 10 whole minutes." snorted Fire Blossom.  
  
"We're twins." Bamm-Bamm explained.  
  
"How bout him?" Danny motioned to The Brick. "He doesn't look like anyone I know."  
  
"I'm adopted." said The Brick.   
  
"Sweet. So, just where is this time machine?"  
  
"Remember that streak of green light in the sky Artie mentioned?" said Fire Blossom. "That was us. We have it hidden in the woods near the highway."  
  
"Well, It's a bit late to go after it. I can get Jesse to give us a lift in the morning."  
  
"Danny," said Bamm-Bamm. "Maybe you shouldn't tell Dad, um, Jesse about us. It could pollute the time line."  
  
"You sure?"  
  
"Well, that's what you told me. Or, will tell me."  
  
Danny seemed to think for a while. "Come with me." he said, leading thm to the garage. He showed them a metal box with dials and a pair of wires emerging from it. "This is a lie detector I cobbled together for fun. So far, I've only used it at parties. It's 90 percent accurate. Bamm-Bamm, right? I want you to grasp a wire in each hand." He did so. "The needle's not moving," Danny observed. "You're not nervous. Good. What's your name?"  
  
"Bamm-Bamm." The needle gave the slightest of flickers.  
  
"Your real name?"  
  
He sighed. "Jason Ray Moreno." The needle didn't move.  
  
Danny nodded. "Are you my brother's son?"  
  
"Yes." The truth.  
  
"Did you come from the future?"  
  
"Yes." Danny nodded. He had told the truth so far.  
  
"How many times have you boned Rachel?" Fire Blossom asked. The needle waggled as Jason blushed.  
  
"That's enough." said Danny, putting away the lie detector. "It's homemade, a tad unstable and built to respond to production of sweat and change in pulse. So, care to tell me your real names?"  
  
"I'm Jasmine."  
  
"I'm Gabriele, call me Gabs for short. Do NOT call me Gabby."  
  
"I'm MJ. Short for Matthew Jacob."  
  
Danny stopped short. "Did-did Jesse name you Matthew?"  
  
"Yeah. I was adopted by the whole Formidable Four. They gave me Morlan as a last name. Daria-Mom wanted to name me Jacob after her dad. I don't know where Matthew comes from."  
  
"Never mind. Well, there's some couches in the basement. There's another couch and a recliner in the living room. I can get you some blankets and sleeping bags and...what happened to your arm?" He finally noticed Gabs' wounded arm.  
  
"I got shot before we got here. Long story."  
  
"We can take you to see Dr. Phillip in the morning. He's mutant friendly."  
  
That night, Jason settled into the sofa and Jasmine took the recliner. "Jason," said Jasmine.  
  
"What?"  
  
"You feel weird sleeping in the same room?"  
  
"We've done it before."  
  
"Yeah, but not like this. Remember when we used to share a room when we were real little?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"I hated that."  
  
In the basement, Gabs nudged MJ. "MJ? Could-could I sleep with you tonight?"  
  
"Do you trust me?" he asked with a smile.  
  
"Of course I do." She got under the covers with him.  
  
"Your dad will kill me if he ever finds out."  
  
"Vati is my age now." she sighed. "I miss him already."  
  
"Try and get some sleep, babe." MJ kissed Gabs on her furry forehead.  
  
Sorry it took so long people. I've had writer's block plus other projects. I'll post the rest of this story later. I know, since I had to introduce 4 OCs I had to use a lot of exposition. I'm sorry for that. More action in the next chapter.  
  
OK, foreign words. Vati is German for "Daddy". Abuelo is Spanish for "Grandfather". The name Gabriele is pronounced gah-bree-EH-leh. 


	18. Days of Future Pest: Issue 2

Sorry it took so long to update, people. Special thanks to Arthur Pendragon for getting me off my ass.  
  
At daybreak, MJ woke to find Gabs still in his arms. "Good morning." he said.  
  
"Morning." she answered. "Should we get the others?"  
  
"Nah, the twins like to sleep late." He kissed her and stroked her hair. "You know, I think I saw my biological mom once."  
  
"MJ, stop it."  
  
"I was about seven. I woke up to hear Jesse-Dad yelling at someone. You know Jesse-Dad, he never yells. I sat at the top of the stairs and saw him yelling at this woman. She was kinda pretty, I guess. But even I could tell she had bleached hair. Jesse-Dad told her something to the tune of 'You'll have to crawl over my damned dead body to get him.' I hid in the hallway and listened. They were talking about me. After a lot of arguing they finally made her go away. Jesse-Dad found me and carried me back to bed. He told me to forget everything I saw and heard. Easier said than done."  
  
"He meant well." Gabs conceded.  
  
"Sloan told me I take after her. She had a crooked nose and stringy hair like me, but she got them fixed."  
  
"MJ, I have pointy ears, blue fur and a TAIL for cripes sake. Your nose is nothing. And I like your hair." She ran three furry fingers through it. "Besides, Vati told me that if God wanted us all to be the same he'd give all of us tails."  
  
"My cousins Leo and Winona always make fun of me for being funny looking. Cousin Keanu doesn't make fun of me. He's nice, dumb as a box of hammers, but nice. I feel sorry for my Cousin Neve, though. Her brothers and sister are always a pain to her and Aunt Quinn is always on her case for not being pretty and popular like Winona. Thing is, Neve is smart and funny, but no one seems to notice her."  
  
"Should I be jealous?"  
  
"Gabs, Neve is my cousin."  
  
"By adoption."  
  
"Same thing. You know, last summer Winona got busted for pulling a five finger discount and Aunt Quinn just bailed her out. But if it's homecoming and Neve doesn't have a date her mom will bitch at her till the cows come home."  
  
"What does her dad think?"  
  
"He's never home. It's a good thing we're all there for her. One time all the pressure was to much for Neve and she became bulemic. She probably would've died if Daria-Mom hadn't stepped in." MJ sighed and changed the subject. "You know what my name would've been if the Sloans kept me? Hunter."  
  
"Hunter?"  
  
"Hunter Sloan. Sounds real dumb, doesn't it?"  
  
Jesse came downstairs. Someone had slipped something in Jane's drink last night when they were at McGrundy's and now he had to mix up a batch of Hair o' the Dog. He saw two strangers barely younger than himself sleeping in the living room. A muscular young man was curled up on the sofa. A statuesque young woman snoozed in the recliner. Jesse nudged the girl. "Hey, wake up."  
  
"mmmm...Dad, I had a bad dream." she murmered, still half asleep. "Robots were chasing us. And Gabs got shot."  
  
"Well, don't worry, you're safe now. You're at my house."  
  
The girl blinked her sky blue eyes. "Wha- where am I?"  
  
"Like I said, my house." said Jesse. "In Lawndale, Massachusettes."  
  
"Lawndale!" Jasmine snapped herself awake. So it hadn't all just been a dream. She saw her father standing there, now scarcely older than herself wearing just a pair of old jeans. The words shot out of her mouth "Go put on a shirt!"  
  
"Huh? Who's got a shirt?" Jason woke up and saw what his sister saw. "Oh, um, hi."  
  
"Hi." said Jesse.  
  
"Um...you're probably wondering who we are and what we're doing here." said Jason.  
  
"The thought had crossed my mind." Jesse responded.  
  
"I'm, I'm Bamm-Bamm."  
  
"Uh huh. And she must be Pebbles then."  
  
"No," said Jasmine. "I'm Fire Blossom."  
  
"Were your parents hippies?"  
  
Jasmine couldn't help smiling. "They were a bit..bohemian."  
  
"And you're here because...?"  
  
"We're friends of Danny's" Bamm-Bamm said quickly.  
  
"You're a bit old for his usual crowd."  
  
"We're uh, from the Dungeons and Dragons League." Fire Blossom thought quickly. "We're inviting his group to be a recognized team for game cons and stuff."  
  
"Oh. That explains the weird names, I guess."  
  
"Yeah, Bamm-Bamm's our barbarian and I'm a fire mage. Could you please put on a shirt?"   
  
"Alright." Jesse sighed and left.  
  
Jason looked at his sister. "Barbarian?" She could only shrug.   
  
Jane woke up with a throbbing headache. Jesse put something in her hand. "Drink this." he said. "It always worked for my dad." She gulped the concoction..and promptly vomited in the wastebasket. "Hate to tell you this, Janey," said Jesse. "But that just means it's working."  
  
"What the hell happened to me last night?"  
  
"Some jerkoff slipped some ruffies in your drink last night at McGrundy's. I was in the middle of a set when I saw you walk off with him. I ran after you and while I was cleaning the guy's clock, you kinda got away from me."  
  
"Why does my ankle hurt so much?"  
  
"I dunno. We finally found you passed out in front of some tattoo parlor. You should really keep a better eye on your drink, Janey."  
  
Jane pulled back the covers to look at her foot. Jesse had removed her shoes but left the socks. She took off the left one to reveal a swolen black and blue ankle..with a thorn pattern tattooed around it. "Aw, crap...." she moaned.  
  
"Don't worry. Trent's kinda looked like that when he first got 'em. It'll probably look cool once it heals up." Jesse went to his closet and got out a shirt. He gave himself a critical look in the mirror. "Janey, tell me the truth, am I...sagging?"  
  
"Sagging? You're kidding, right?"  
  
"I think I might be slacking off on my workouts." He pulled on the shirt. "This girl downstairs told me to go put on a shirt."  
  
"What girl downstairs?"  
  
"Just this girl I found sleeping in the recliner in the living room. She says she's Danny's friend from the Dungeons and Dragons league or something."  
  
There was a tap on the door. It was the girl from downstairs and she had a friend. She had long chestnut hair in a braid down her back and wore a Les Miserables T-shirt. "Um, could we borrow some clothes? We-uh-lost our luggage."  
  
"Sure, you can borrow some of mine." said Jesse. "Who's she?"  
  
"This is Sapphire. She's our..elven paladin."  
  
"Of course." What was a D&D party without an elven paladin?  
  
"What's that smell?" asked Sapphire.  
  
"Oh, uh, I'll take care of this." Jesse took out the wastebasket.   
  
"So, what were you doing last night?" Asked the tall girl with the pigtails.  
  
"What are you, my mom?" Jane challenged. Sapphire cocked an eyebrow and smirked. "Not that it's any of your business, but someone slipped me a ruffie last night. I'm lucky my boyfriend was there. I'm Jane, by the way. And you are?"  
  
"Fire Blossom."  
  
"No kidding. Well 'Fire Blossom', I'm in need of a shower. I keep a few things in the closet, you can borrow them if you want."  
  
Jane limped off to the bathroom, leaving Jasmine and Gabs in the room. "Nice to know Mom wasn't all that irresponsible." said Jasmine. "Now I know why she tells me never to let someone buy me a drink when I go out."   
  
"I need to change too." Gabs turned off her image inducer. "Vinyl gets ripe after awhile."  
  
"How's the arm?" Jasmine asked, undoing her top.  
  
"OK. Little sore. Not bleeding anymore. Where did you get that?" She pointed at a tattoo just a bit above and to the left of Jasmine's clevage. It was a yellow jasmine blossom surrounded by five tongues of flame.  
  
"This? I was in Soho last month with May and we got tattooed."  
  
"What did your parents think about it or have you told them?"  
  
"Gabs, I'm 20 years old. They treat me like an adult now. Besides, Mom has that thing on her ankle, Dad has our names tattooed to his left shoulder blade and if Uncle Trent gets another tattoo, Aunt Daria is going to sell him to a circus!" Jasmine looked through the closet. "And this is nothing compared to the spider May had done on her butt. God, Mom has the most boring taste in clothes. Black and red, black and red..." She considered one of Jane's shirts. "Too small. I'm gonna havta wear one of Dad's shirts.   
  
The shirt fit Gabs well. She put a pair of Jane's jeans on backwards, letting her tail hang out of the fly. She looked in the mirror. "This isn't exactly my style either." She pressed a button on her watch. Her image flickered and was replaced with her "normal human" facade wearing a denim skirt and a T-shirt with the /Cats/ logo on it. "No, I've tortured MJ enough with my Broadway obsession." She pressed a button again and appeared in an electic blue mini dress with lime green stripes. "No, gotta think retro." Her clothes changed into bell bottoms and a tie dyed tee. "A little /too/ retro." Her clothes changed into flared hip hugger jeans and a pink baby tee with a yellow smily face. "Yuck!" Gabs went through a few more wardrobe changes. "Nope, nope, nope...hmm, how 'bout this? Turned heads at the last Mardi Gras parade." It was a purple and green jester's costume. Jasmine smiled and shook her head. "You're right. Too outre. How 'bout this?" It was the black and white tee she had put on and the jeans, appearing to have been put on right.  
  
"Perfect."   
  
Jesse was changing the liner in the waste basket when the doorbell rang. It was Trent and Daria. "Came to see if Janey's alright." said Trent.  
  
"She was kinda hungover." said Jesse. "So I gave her a dose of Hair of the Dog."   
  
"Who are those guys?" Daria asked when she saw Jason and MJ.  
  
"The big guy's called Bamm-Bamm. And you are..?"  
  
"They call me The Brick."  
  
"He's our..ranger." said Bamm-Bamm. The Brick gave him a questioning look.  
  
"They're friends of Danny's from the D&D League. They're kinda crashing here awhile. They lost their luggage, so we're lending them a few clothes."  
  
Jane limped down in a tee shirt and shorts with a towel wrapped around her head. "What happened to your foot?" Trent asked her.  
  
"Remember that tattoo parlor you found me at?" she answered. "Well, apparantly, I picked up something while I was there."  
  
"A raging case of hepatitus?" suggested Daria. Jane gave her a Look.  
  
"Hey, better tattooed than screwed." shrugged Trent. "Watch your drink next time, OK?"  
  
"Yes, Daddy. By the way, Jesse, I told those girls they could use the shower too. That OK?"  
  
"It's cool."  
  
"Other girls?" Daria asked, a mental image of a Roman orgy running through her head.  
  
"They're from D&D too." Jesse explained. "I'm gonna get some stuff for Bamm-Bamm. Brick, I think Danny might have something that would fit you."  
  
Jasmine sat on Jesse's bed and had a look around while Gabs had her shower. She's singing that medly from "Man of La Mancha" again. thought Jasmine. So, this is what Dad's room looked like when he lived with Abuelo. The walls were covered with posters of 'dinosaur bands' such as Creed and Three Doors Down. A weightbench had been converted into a hamster habitat. So, this is where it all started. She thought as she watched three little hamsters run about. Nibbles and Schwartz who begot Dotty, who begot Tinkerbell, who begot Amber, who begot Gidget, who begot Bijou, who begot...A knock at the door interrupted her train of thought.  
  
"You decent?" asked Jesse.  
  
"Nope, never have been." Jasmine joked.  
  
"Funny." Jesse came in and opened his closet. "I wanted to get some things for Bamm-Bamm. Is he your boyfriend?"  
  
"Eeww! No!" Jasmine couldn't help saying. OK, thought Jesse. She doesn't like muscular guys. "He's my brother."  
  
"Really? Which one of you is older?"  
  
"He is, by ten minutes. We're twins." Gabs' scream came from the bathroom. Jasmine went to go see what was wrong.  
  
"Gabs, what is it?"  
  
She came out of the shower, damp fur clinging to her body, and clutching her bleeding arm. "All I did was stretch a little and the wound opened."  
  
"Anything wrong?" Jesse asked outside the door.  
  
"Don't come in!" Jasmine quickly said. "She's naked!" The truth, but not why he didn't want him to see her. "OK, Gabs, don't panic. Just sit down and raise it." Jasmine saw a bottle of peroxide on the sink. (Jane had it out to clean her new tattoo.) Jasmine poured some on the open wound, making Gabs bite her lip as it hissed and foamed. Jasmine threw open the medicine cabinet looking for something to dress it with. The Bandaids were useless. She found some maxi-pads Jane had been keeping there "just in case" and grabbed one. She tied the pad in place with nearly a yard of toilet paper. She helped Gabs dry off and put on her clothes. "We're taking you to that doctor Danny told us about."  
  
"Is there anything I can do?" Jesse offered.  
  
Gabs put on her image inducer. "Um..Sapphire needs a doctor." Jasmine said, coming out of the bathroom. "Danny told us about the guy you go to, Dr. Phillip."  
  
"Yeah, he's cool. What's wrong with her?"  
  
"Uh..we got mugged last night and she was shot. Yeah. That's how we lost our luggage."  
  
"C'mon," said Jesse. "I'll give you a ride to the hospital."  
  
Jesse brought the two girls downstairs. The boy called The Brick was now dressed in a set of Danny's clothes and was at Sapphire's side in a heartbeat when he saw her wounded. "I need to take Sapphire to the hospital." said Jesse. "She was shot last night."  
  
"I'm going with her." said Brick.  
  
"I'll come too." said Danny.  
  
"And I." said Bamm-Bamm.  
  
"We'll hold down the fort." said Trent. "Six people's gonna be a squeeze as it is."  
  
Jesse drove the group to Cedars of Lawndale in his Range Rover. Brick held Sapphire's hand the whole time. They hurried inside. "We need to see Dr. Phillip." Danny said to the receptionist.  
  
"Dr. Phillip is in surgery." said the receptionist. "Do you have an appointment?"  
  
"This is an emergency." Danny said. "She's been shot." He motioned to Sapphire. "We need Dr. Phillip."  
  
"What's her insurance carrier?"  
  
"Dammit!" screamed Brick. "She could bleed to death and all you care about is her fucking insurance!?"  
  
"What seems to be the problem, Lisa?" Dr. Phillip asked as he approached.   
  
"These kids insist on seeing you. I don't think they're insured."  
  
"This girl's been hurt." Dr. Phillip noted the improvised dressing on Sapphire's wound. "I'll take care of her."  
  
"But she's not insured!"  
  
"Ask me if I give a damn. You guys wait out here, I'll fix her up." He led her to his office. "So, what's your name."  
  
"Sapphire."  
  
"Pretty name. No last name to go with it?" No answer. "Well, no matter. Have a seat on the table while I scrub up." She sat on the paper lined table while he washed his hands. "So, how'd this happen?"  
  
"I-I got shot. Dr. Phillip, Danny tells me you're mutant friendly."  
  
"Yes. Are you a mutant, Sapphire?" She answered his question by turning off her image inducer. His only reaction was a nod. "I've seen only one other mutant with your appearance before. Kurt Wagner. Any relation?"  
  
"He's-uh'my dad."  
  
Dr. Phillip chuckled. "Only if he started making babies when he was two. Which I doubt."  
  
"We have doctor-patient confidentiality, right? OK, I'm from the future."  
  
"Uh-huh." Dr. Phillip undressed the wound. "Not Daria's field dressing. She's methodical, this was a rush job. Well, at least it's clean."  
  
"Do you believe me?"  
  
"It doesn't matter if I do or not. Did you find the bullet?"  
  
"It passed through. I was shot by the vice president. Can you believe that? Do me a favor, doc, if a guy named Edward Kelly runs for president with a guy named Tom Sloan as his running mate, don't vote for him."  
  
"Well, I like to vote Independant when I can. You're going to need stitches."  
  
"Stitches?" Sapphire chuckled. "It sounds like you want to take a needle and thread and sew me up!"  
  
"Well, actually..."  
  
"What's taking so long?" MJ complained.  
  
"Relax." said Danny. "Dr. Phillip knows what he's doing. Oh, I IMed Forge this morning. He said he'd be here by three to help with the machine. By the way, did you say I invented it?"  
  
"Well, you, Forge and Amy Barksdale collaborated on it."  
  
"Cool!"  
  
"I got us some sodas." said Jesse, handing out bottles of Coke.   
  
"I'm not thirsty." said MJ.  
  
"I'll take it." said Jasmine. She pulled at the bottle cap. It seemed stuck on. She tugged at it harder. Jesse took it back and twisted the cap off. "Oh yeah, twist caps. Uh, I mean. Yeah, shoulda tried twisting it!" She took an embarressed sip of the Coke.  
  
There was little to do but drink Coke and read magazines. Jason found Newsweek as dry as one of his old history texts. Danny immersed himself in Popular Science. MJ would've laughed at the cover if he hadn't been so worried. Jesse flipped through an issue of Rolling Stone while Jasmine read an article in Redbook about "The Modern Karma Sutra". Yep, she thought. Done it, done it, done it, tried it and pulled a muscle, done it, done it...  
  
"Here she is, good as new." said Dr. Phillip. Gabs looked positivly shell shocked.  
  
"Are you OK, Gabs?" MJ whispered to her.  
  
"Get me the hell out of here, Matthew!" she said. "They're butchers!"  
  
"How's your arm?"  
  
"I don't know. It's completly numb! You wanna know what happened? First, he shaved off a chunk of my fur then he jabbed me with a needle!"  
  
"A needle?"  
  
"A needle! Oh, and he said that it was to keep it from hurting if you can believe that! Then, he takes a SEWING needle and some thick black thread and starts sewing me up like a rag doll!"  
  
MJ was horrified. "I've heard of people sewing wounds together when the didn't have any suture gel, but I never believed it!"  
  
"Oh, that's not all. He jabbed me with yet another needle! He said it was an antibiotic shot."  
  
"Didn't they have oral antibiotics by now?"  
  
"He said they do, but they don't work fast enough. I jokingly asked him if leeches were next. He said they only use them to reattach ears and fingers."  
  
"I guess they haven't figured out how to clone body parts yet." MJ shrugged.  
  
"I've been treated like a pin cushion and now I have a scar like the Frankenstein monster!"  
  
"But you're OK. That's all that matters." He kissed her forehead.  
  
"I also warned him not to vote the Kelly/Sloan ticket. Don't know if that will change history or not."  
  
"You never know. One vote was all it took to put Hitler in charge."  
  
"How's your arm?" Jasmine asked.  
  
"Let's go. Now." Gabs groused.  
  
As they piled back in the car, Danny took Jesse aside. "Um, Jesse, I need you to drive us somewhere else." Damn lousy learner's permit.  
  
"Where do you need to go?"  
  
"Um, it's like this, their-uh-car broke down and they want me and Forge to fix it."  
  
"Car broke down /and/ mugged? These people are having some bad luck." Jesse turned on the ignition. "So, where's your car?"  
  
"You know of a corn field just outside the city limits?" asked Jasmine.  
  
"Do I?" Jesse couldn't help smiling a bit.  
  
"What's so great about a cornfield?" Jasmine asked.  
  
"Well...Janey and I went there a couple times and..." he shrugged and blushed.  
  
"You told me you waited!" she snapped.  
  
"Huh?"  
  
Jason gave his sister a kick in the shins. "What my sister means," he said. "is...um...well...I guess you remind her of someone else."  
  
"Oh." Jesse let it drop and kept driving. Jason sighed with relief. Luckily Dad had never been the prying type. Jasmine pouted and growled the word "liar" through gritted teeth.  
  
They drove to the cornfield. Bamm-Bamm showed them where he had hidden the car. "Dude, someone stole your tires." said Jesse.  
  
The visitors looked at each other. Could they risk letting Jesse know about the hover car cumma time machine? "Jesse," said Danny. "Did you bring your cell phone?"  
  
"Yeah. It's in the car."  
  
"Could you please call home and ask Trent to drive Forge out here when he gets to our place? And remind him to bring my tool kit. It's in the garage."  
  
"No problem." he walked off.   
  
Danny popped the hood and had a look. "Whoa. I've never seen anything like this before! This looks more like positronic circuitry rather than the innards of the cars I'm used to. I'd like to get an ohm reading on this baby."   
  
"They said it was cool." Jesse said, surprising Danny. The visitors crowded around the hood, hoping Jesse hadn't seen that this was not a normal car. "Need some help, bro?"  
  
"Uh, no, that's OK."  
  
"You sure? I took auto shop back in high school. I could probably help."  
  
"No, really, I can do this."  
  
"Cool." Jesse shrugged his shoulders. "Gonna be a while before they show up. I'll go get some take-out. Anyone wanna come with?"  
  
No takers. With Jesse safely out of the way, Danny could explore the workings of the car as best he could. "I've never seen half the components used to make this thing." he said. "Hope I don't need to replace anything that hasn't been invented yet. I can splice these wires together as soon as I get my toolkit."  
  
As Danny examined the car, Jason noticed his sister leaning against a tree, staring at the sky. She was in one of her contemplative moods again. "Whatcha thinking 'bout?" he asked.  
  
"Jason," said Jasmine. "Do you realize what we could do while we're here? We could stop the sentinal program before it starts. Personally, I'd love to be left alone in a room with Kelly and Sloan with a bottle of kerosene for just five minutes."  
  
"Jasmine, remember, if anything happens to Sloan in this timeline, MJ may not exist."  
  
"I know." she sighed. "But can't we warn Aunt Daria about.."  
  
"No!" Jason emphasized. "Jasmine, we are not to meddle. We are to get the hell out of this timeline as soon as possible!"  
  
"But Jason, by not telling her, we could be preventing.."  
  
"No."  
  
"How do you know what I was going to say anyway?"  
  
"We're twins. That's how."  
  
"Sure Nathan hasn't been giving you Teep lessons?"  
  
"I don't need telepathy to know what you're thinking, Jasmine. I've known you for too long."  
  
Jasmine sighed. "Jason, I've been thinking a long time about Nathan's problem. I've figured something out, but it might be grasping at straws, and would require the use of the time teaser."  
  
"Jasmine," Jason said patiently. "For the last time, don't fuck with the past!"  
  
"I wasn't going to 'fuck with the past' as you put it. However, the future's up for grabs. Maybe, just maybe, they have a cure for Nathan's virus in the future. Jason, when we get back, and I know we will, I'm going into the far future with Nathan to find a cure."  
  
"What? Why would you need to go with him?"  
  
"We don't know what the future will be like, Jason. Only a fool would go alone."  
  
"So let him go with his dad, or with Logan. Why you?"  
  
"Because I love him."  
  
"That's the best you can come up with?"  
  
"If it was Rachel who had the virus, you'd move Heaven and Earth to save her, and you know it!" Jasmine became angry to find tears on her face. Jason softened and embraced his sister.  
  
"You know me all too well, too." he whispered. "Sh, like you said, it's all gonna be OK." He toyed with her wavy brown pigtails. "Mom and Dad would never agree, you know."  
  
"I'm 20 years old, dammit! I'm not a child!"  
  
"We nearly lost you just a few years ago. We don't want to lose you again." Jasmine smiled at her brother's use of the word "we". Jason liked to come off as the strong, tough leader, but she knew better. Jason kissed her forehead. "You will do what you think is right, as you've always done. But I will miss you, sister."  
  
"Hey, guys!" yelled Danny. "Jesse's back!" 


End file.
